choosing between new family and prior child (brother, neighbors, wife)

[tom1969]

I'd hope she'd be willing to as well. Toinght will be another endless night of talking about this topic with her. At least I have several different perspectives now.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by tom1969

I'd hope she'd be willing to as well. Toinght will be another endless night of talking about this topic with her. At least I have several different perspectives now.

See if she'd be brave enough to post here herself, lol. Maybe SHE could gain a new perspective too!

Seriously, why not let her read this thread you started?

Best of luck tonight

[jaida]

Are you near the Great Lakes area? If yes, then I will come and kill the cat for you. (Don't take it to heart, PETA kiddies.)

I'm a little surprised your wife would be so adamant about keeping her cat, especially being that she's about to become a mother herself. You need to drive home how important being a dad is to you and that if you are denied access to your first child, then it will affect your well-being. Surely, she isn't so cold-hearted not to understand that? Hopefully, she just needs some time to come around and see things from your perspective.

[h886]

Originally Posted by tom1969

I'd hope she'd be willing to as well. Toinght will be another endless night of talking about this topic with her. At least I have several different perspectives now.

I really hope BOTH of you are willing to listen to the other. There is a middle ground here... a middle ground where both parties could find a situation that while imperfect and not totally to their liking, they could live with.

I hope that you do not go into this discussion with ultimatums. There have already been too many ultimatums issued by all parties involved:

"I will never give up my cat no matter what."
"You will never have visitation while she has a cat."
"I will never sit down and talk with your new wife. End of discussion."
"I will not get my daughter tested. It's terrible and horrible."
"I will leave if you don't spend weekends with me."
"I will leave if you don't come to marriage counseling."

Every one of these positions is unreasonable and the end result is that the children suffer. Yet, there is common ground somewhere in the middle, if only parties are willing to give a little. Before you go home tonight, I want you to think about what things you have to have, and what things you really want that you would be willing to give up in order to find that common ground.

When all parties are issuing ultimatums left and right, the environment is very toxic and it's hard to be the one to give or find compromise. Instead of actually LISTENING to the concerns of the other person, they just keep rattling off their own feelings--that helps no one.

Under no circumstances do I think you should give up the relationship with your first daughter. That should be a hard line. But there is room for flexibility in other areas and it's critical that you explore it, because as you have wisely pointed out, it's not going to be much better for child #2 to get put in a divorced situation, both kids have fewer resources, etc.

Some ideas:

-You should concede that daughter #1 needs to be allergen tested and brought to a specialist immediately. Make the appointments before going home. Sometimes seeing the other person make a concession softens you to the fact that you may need to make one of your own.

-If there are carpets in the house rather than hard floors, you will likely need to replace them. Look into that, before going home.

-If it turns out that she has only a mild allergy to cats and it's some other allergen, a compromise could be feasible. If the carpets were replaced with hard flooring, the cat was sent to stay with a trusted neighbor on weekends and a cleaning service came in every Friday before the daughter came over to thoroughly clean, maybe it could work. I don't know. I'm not a doctor. But you aren't either. That's why you need to talk to someone who has worked with these situations before.

-Your wife is likely feeling very hurt by all of this and hormonal because she is pregnant. Many women do not think their clearest in these moments and tend to overreact. It does not excuse her behavior, but try to understand that as you talk to her. Her unreasonable actions aside, from her point of view, things were fine and then your ex went ballistic and started making all these nutty demands where she would have to give up her cat. You can't blame her for not being thrilled with the situation, even if you two do have to work to find a solution. Express how much you love her and want to make the situation work. Express how much you want to be there for both your children. Ask her what she would suggest. Listen while she talks. Talk through ideas, even if they seem like bad ones at first. Remember, none of your ideas sound good to her either. You are looking for common ground that neither of you think is perfect, but you can live with.

-What is important is maintaining a relationship with your daughter, being able to see her regularly and be in her life. Keep your eyes focused on that.

[miu]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

Regardless of when it happened, NOW you know you come second to the cat. Are you going to just take that lying down?

Gee... the second wife has to take second place after his daughter (which is fine with me), so why shouldn't her cat be first before her new husband? The cat will be more loyal to her in the long run.

Another thought, is to never let the cat be in the room that his 8 year old daughter sleeps over in. And when she visits, perhaps the cat could stay with a friend or be boarded.

What do you think is going to happen to this cat when it has to leave the house? Hardly anyone adopts an adult cat, so most likely an animal shelter will quickly put it to sleep. And the cat is an innocent in all of this mess and doesn't deserve to have this fate.

[Oildog]

The simple solution to me is get rid of the cat. I'm sorry if you married someone who values an animal higher than a child of a spouse (unlessthey are a crook or druggie).

I am also allergic to cats. Had many dates with women who said they loved their cat. When I mentioned I was allergic, they said we couldn't date. No big loss on my part.

[Raging-Hetero]

Originally Posted by miu

Gee... the second wife has to take second place after his daughter (which is fine with me), so why shouldn't her cat be first before her new husband? The cat will be more loyal to her in the long run.

Another thought, is to never let the cat be in the room that his 8 year old daughter sleeps over in. And when she visits, perhaps the cat could stay with a friend or be boarded.

What do you think is going to happen to this cat when it has to leave the house? Hardly anyone adopts an adult cat, so most likely an animal shelter will quickly put it to sleep. And the cat is an innocent in all of this mess and doesn't deserve to have this fate.

So his second wife is taking second place because he wants the cat out for his daughter's sake?

[miu]

Originally Posted by Raging-Hetero

So his second wife is taking second place because he wants the cat out for his daughter's sake?

No no no!!

1. The O.P. is placing his daughter's needs before his wife. His new wife is number 2 to the daughter. Which is fine with me. However, I don't think that all options have been explored for keeping the child's allergies in check AND keeping the cat.

2. The new wife loves her cat and seems to be placing her cat in front of the O.P. in terms of her loyalties. So her husband is her number 2 with her cat being number 1 in her life. And from his posts, she is correct in chosing her cat over her husband. The cat is like a child to her. Well clearly, many of you aren't pet people. And again, I don't see that all options have been explored to keep ALL involved happy and healthy.

And this is why I would never have a relationship with a man that hasn't had a beloved dog or a cat. People who haven't been close to a dog or a cat just don't understand the importance of a pet.

This is also why I would never have a relationship with a man that already has children. I don't mind that his first responsibilities are to his children, but I also choose not to be second fiddle to them.

This is also about respecting ALL forms of life. And the daughter can't be in a bubble all her life with all cats kept away from her. Allergies are common. Plenty of children and adults suffer from hayfever, mold, and dust mites. Or they are allergic to nuts or gluten. Life isn't perfect. Deal with it and stop being wussies.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by miu

Gee... the second wife has to take second place after his daughter (which is fine with me), so why shouldn't her cat be first before her new husband? The cat will be more loyal to her in the long run.

Another thought, is to never let the cat be in the room that his 8 year old daughter sleeps over in. And when she visits, perhaps the cat could stay with a friend or be boarded.

What do you think is going to happen to this cat when it has to leave the house? Hardly anyone adopts an adult cat, so most likely an animal shelter will quickly put it to sleep. And the cat is an innocent in all of this mess and doesn't deserve to have this fate.

It's not that simple

Cat dander is airborne. Once a cat lives in a house the dander goes everywhere.

Sure you can minimize the dander in some rooms by closing them off, but there is no way you could confine a child to a bedroom all weekend long. She would eventually have to sit on the couch or some other furniture the cat dander is on.

This is also why boarding the cat or sending it to a friends house when the child visits will not work.

The important thing is to have the child tested to determine how severe the allergies are.

It is very possible the child could only be minimally allergic and that keeping the room she sleeps in a "cat-free zone" could do the trick (once it's been thoroughly cleaned of course).

But it is also very possible the doctor will recommend the child have no exposure to cats if the allergy is severe. Wife number 2 needs to grow up and realize if that is the situation that her cat has to be given to a new home.

[Oildog]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

It's not that simple

Cat dander is airborne. Once a cat lives in a house the dander goes everywhere.

Sure you can minimize the dander in some rooms by closing them off, but there is no way you could confine a child to a bedroom all weekend long. She would eventually have to sit on the couch or some other furniture the cat dander is on.

This is also why boarding the cat or sending it to a friends house when the child visits will not work.

The important thing is to have the child tested to determine how severe the allergies are.

It is very possible the child could only be minimally allergic and that keeping the room she sleeps in a "cat-free zone" could do the trick (once it's been thoroughly cleaned of course).

But it is also very possible the doctor will recommend the child have no exposure to cats if the allergy is severe. Wife number 2 needs to grow up and realize if that is the situation that her cat has to be given to a new home.

Exactly. One cant just isolate the cat away, its dander will be all over. I don't care how much a person says they are clean, I can be in a dwelling for 5 minutes and know if you have a cat. My eyes start to itch.