Childless Couples - Ever Feel Talked "Down to" by Parents? (introvert, dysfunctional)

[marie5v]

Originally Posted by Austinitegirl

So I figured I'd start this thread here rather than in the parenting section because it is sort of the opposite of what those folks are chatting about, and more likely to get some hits in this section.

Husband and I are a childless couple by choice, so my question to other childless couples out there - ever feel like you're being talked "down to" by parents? Like they know some secret to life, and you can't possibly understand?

Or that your life/time commitments are somehow less important because you aren't responsible for a child?

I just sometimes feel like there is a bit of a void between parents and childless couples - like we sometimes have difficulty relating to one another.

Thoughts?

There is definitely a void. It's actually hard for those of us with children to even fathom a couple who can have them actually not wanting them. This wouldn't really apply to younger couples, because we assume they'll change their minds. But an older couple that never had any is kind of hard to understand. However, I wouldn't talk down to anyone about it. I would actually feel sorry for them, and would privately assume that they actually wanted children but for some reason couldn't have any.

At a certain point in life everything revolves around the child, so it really is hard to connect with people who are just not into it at all. I don't think I'm better than anyone else - my life is just so consumed with the kid that I have a hard time even talking to someone who can't relate.

[jazzcat22]

Originally Posted by marie5v

There is definitely a void. It's actually hard for those of us with children to even fathom a couple who can have them actually not wanting them. This wouldn't really apply to younger couples, because we assume they'll change their minds. But an older couple that never had any is kind of hard to understand. However, I wouldn't talk down to anyone about it. I would actually feel sorry for them, and would privately assume that they actually wanted children but for some reason couldn't have any.

At a certain point in life everything revolves around the child, so it really is hard to connect with people who are just not into it at all. I don't think I'm better than anyone else - my life is just so consumed with the kid that I have a hard time even talking to someone who can't relate.

But---you are using your own interests, preferences, biological need, etc. in deciding to feel sorry fora childfree couple. Just as blue may be YOUR favorite color, you can understand that someone else may prefer red, correct? You'd probably feel sorry for me because I live in a smallish condo...and if you are like most Americans, a bigger home is better....but for me, it's the right choice (and I feel sorry for people being enslaved to their lawns!). Just remember different strokes for different folks.

And what cracks me up is that parents connect just because they have kids. As far as I can tell, kids come in all flavors and one parenting experience is not necessarily indicative of another. When I listen to conversations between parents, all I hear are parallel conversations: "My Jennifer is so busy with dance lessons." The response usually isn't even to ask what type of dance, but to reply, "My Jason is taking karate lessons three times a week."

This is not just me speaking as a childfree woman: being so consumed with the kid that you have a hard time even talking to someone who can't relate does not bode well for you or the kid. Kids grow up and leave the nest---being so consumed with the kid may make it difficult to not have the kid in your life 24/7 and let him/her develop independence. Authorities do feel that this being so consumed with kids has led to a generation of narcissists.

[Osito]

No, but some parents definitely have a sense of entitlement, just like other people in certain situations.

[EvilCookie]

Wow. Sooo many stereotypes and generalizations in this thread
If this was a discussion about cultures or races, the politically correct police would've shut it down a long time ago.

FWIW, I have a child. I've always wanted children, although I never particularly cared for other children, and still actually don't really love many other kids, especially those who are unpleasant in some way - my own is enough to stretch my patience, lol!
I never saw being childless as an option for myself, yet I can completely understand why some have made that choice, and would never think of judging them. It is true, however, that you can't understand what parents go through until you're one - and it makes sense! Think about it, say if someone who has fought a war told you you can't understand some things in life until you've been in a war, would you get offended? I wouldn't, because it's true. Parenting is one of those things that just changes you so profoundly (and not always in a good way!).

That said, I actually love socializing with people who lead very different lifestyles from me - I recently met with an old friend who has chosen a very different life, she's a single party girl while I've settled down very early, and I had more fun than when we hang out with like-minded 'mommy' friends. Oh, and I didn't bring up my kid once, other than answering questions when she asked. If anything, I'm very conscious of not talking about my kid with others who may not care, because I don't want to bore people with conversation that doesn't interest them. I'd much rather listen to the person talk about their interests, and I'm fascinated by people with different mindsets or those who lead unconventional lives.
There are types of people who'll take over any conversation by only talking about themselves and/or their own interests - and that can be kids, or it can be their hobby or car or money or vacation, some people just adore blabbing about their own fabulous selves. This is a character flaw, not a factor of whether or not they have kids.

[silverwing]

Originally Posted by marie5v

There is definitely a void. It's actually hard for those of us with children to even fathom a couple who can have them actually not wanting them.

I assume by the bolded red that you possess some sort of authority to speak for everyone with kids?

Originally Posted by marie5v

This wouldn't really apply to younger couples, because we assume they'll change their minds. But an older couple that never had any is kind of hard to understand. However, I wouldn't talk down to anyone about it. I would actually feel sorry for them, and would privately assume that they actually wanted children but for some reason couldn't have any.

You can save your sympathy and alter your assumptions.

There are many paths taken to being childfree. Probably the smallest number are the people who, indeed, cannot have kids and have made peace with it as best they can. Doesn't mean that they are unhappy, just that they will have to follow a different path than originally intended. Some people analyze the choice, weighing all the factors involved, and come to the conclusion that being a parent is not the life for them. Some people simply never had the interest or desire to be parents (we take a broader view and don't simply say "have kids" because we know that having the kid is the least of it, being a "parent" is what becomes an absorbing part of one's life).

As half of a couple; one of us in our 50s, the other 60s; I can say that we have not one single regret about the choice (actually a non-choice for us. we are among those who would look at someone with surprise and say "kids? oh, yeah, they exist. never had an interest") made over 30 years ago. And we certainly aren't alone.

Originally Posted by marie5v

At a certain point in life everything revolves around the child, so it really is hard to connect with people who are just not into it at all. I don't think I'm better than anyone else - my life is just so consumed with the kid that I have a hard time even talking to someone who can't relate.

Right back at you. Many childfree people would have a hard time relating to someone who is totally absorbed in being a parent. I know I'm one of them. I am conscientiously polite in making inquiries about the children of an acquaintance, I know all the key words to make the person feel praised about the kid and its accomplishments, I certainly would never purposely be rude or show my boredom. But if I'm around a person who can't talk about anything else except their kid, I'll make a polite amount of conversation, excuse myself in the same vein, and go find someone else with whom to make more interesting conversation.

[aliss2]

Well, I admit, I have kids. I can totally understand why people wouldn't want kids. Since when does this planet need more children whose parents don't really want to be parents? lol. I have NEVER understood why other parents give childless people crap. But it's true it can be hard to relate at times. When with my childless friends, I try to keep it a minimum but my kids are just so young that I don't have much else going on in life!

[Soda120]

Originally Posted by Austinitegirl

So I figured I'd start this thread here rather than in the parenting section because it is sort of the opposite of what those folks are chatting about, and more likely to get some hits in this section.

Husband and I are a childless couple by choice, so my question to other childless couples out there - ever feel like you're being talked "down to" by parents? Like they know some secret to life, and you can't possibly understand?

Or that your life/time commitments are somehow less important because you aren't responsible for a child?

I just sometimes feel like there is a bit of a void between parents and childless couples - like we sometimes have difficulty relating to one another.

Thoughts?

Seriously, do YOU feel that way? That is unnecessary.

You can't be on the same wavelength with everyone, or even the majority of people - and why would you want to be? You're YOU. Live your life well.

[Joules21]

Obviously, some people have always wanted children or we wouldn't all be here today. But I really think the media has pushed the idea of babies like never before. Head over to People.com or Usweekly and you can get day to day updates on celebrities bumps or children. It's like having a baby is some sort of hollywood accessory now. It ridiculous.

Raising children is a whole lot more then cute outfits and afternoons in the park. Not everyone has this desire and it shouldn't be pushed as "normal". Let people live the lives they want.

[whatisthedealwith]

Originally Posted by marie5v

There is definitely a void. It's actually hard for those of us with children to even fathom a couple who can have them actually not wanting them. This wouldn't really apply to younger couples, because we assume they'll change their minds. But an older couple that never had any is kind of hard to understand. However, I wouldn't talk down to anyone about it. I would actually feel sorry for them, and would privately assume that they actually wanted children but for some reason couldn't have any.

At a certain point in life everything revolves around the child, so it really is hard to connect with people who are just not into it at all. I don't think I'm better than anyone else - my life is just so consumed with the kid that I have a hard time even talking to someone who can't relate.

This is the most condescending sentiment I have read on CD in a while. And that is saying something. Glad you are only speaking for yourself and not parents everywhere. Oh, wait, no...you ARE the spokesperson for parents everywhere! SO sorry I missed that.

One of my sisters wanted kids forEVER and when she got them she was absolutely starved for the things she enjoyed as a single person. Trips to exotic locations. Time alone to relax in the bath. Extra money. She ended up on antidepressants because she couldn't stand how much her life revolved around the kids and how much of her own identity she was expected to sacrifice. She also couldn't stand the other yuppie one-upsman moms who only wanted to talk about their fantaasssTTic spawn. Eventually, she found a balance when she hired a nanny and took a job which allowed her to travel and be more creative. It was a financial sacrifice for a while, but she kept her sanity.

My other sister has coddled her kids to the point of uselesness and doesn't make a move unless she checks in with them. Her entire existence is only tied to those kids. She has let herself go physically and intellectually (no time for the gym or to eat right! No time to finish up that degree! No time to read a book!) The kids are in their early twenties/college age now and she is panicking because she can't handle the fact that they may leave. She is doing everything in her power to keep them at home and acting like children.

From my perspective, parenthood is a very mixed bag. The modern viewpoint that you give up your identity for your kids is an excuse.

[roddma]

Witout having read all these comments, some parents do forget not all of us can choose to have kids. There are infertile and those that choose not to have kids because of mental/physical conditions that would prevent them from taking care of a child. That is why the' you don't understand until you have them 'line is condescending. Though you may hear stories of those who didn't think they wanted kids and had kids 'accidentally' relish being a parent, it isn't always the case. Being childless (by circumstance) myself has opened up my eyes to new ideas instead of just what is traditional.
It is easy to forget children are human. They need constant attention. You can't put them in a toy box when you are done with them. For some reason, society has a hard time respecting those who make sound reproductive choices. If you have a kid and lack a social life, you are unbalanced. Beleive me, I know plenty of parents who still find time for social lives. There is no reason to put down others regardless of their choices. Great if you are a parent. Great if you are not.