Can easily hug others, but not my mother (male, affection, feel)

[Jamie2494]

This is all down to your attachment styles. I’m the same.

There’s three main attachment types:
-Attachment avoidant
-Secure attachment
- Ambivalent attachment

These are all to do with our upbringing. You may ask yourself why relationships don’t always work; perhaps, maybe you wonder why you’re always arguing or feel insecure in other areas. I recommend looking at your attachment type and trying to figure it out. My attachment type – ambivalent.
Hope this helps,
Jamie

[greatblueheron]

Originally Posted by dfour

Growing up, my mother wasn't the hugging type. So, it pretty much stayed that way all along. I'm in my mid 40's and it just wouldn't feel right doing it. Maybe some know what I'm saying.

But I have no problem giving hugs to other people, whether it be some of my wife's friends or older people that I know. Feels fine and natural.

Anyone else this way?

Yes, I felt that way...but there was a history between us that was the causal factor.

[North Beach Person]

My mother was not a hugger either. Had she initiated one I would have immediately checked for a knife sticking out of my back.

[stan4]

My parents were huggers and kissers when we were little kids - very effusive and sweet.
But now it's awkward as adults, so not so much.
I think it is a cultural thing for them. You snuggle littles (they do with my kids) but not grownups.

I hug everyone I really like.

[LLCNYC]

Originally Posted by Jamie2494

This is all down to your attachment styles. I’m the same.

There’s three main attachment types:
-Attachment avoidant
-Secure attachment
- Ambivalent attachment

These are all to do with our upbringing. You may ask yourself why relationships don’t always work; perhaps, maybe you wonder why you’re always arguing or feel insecure in other areas. I recommend looking at your attachment type and trying to figure it out. My attachment type – ambivalent.
Hope this helps,
Jamie

Just fyi- 2011 thread. In case you were waiting for a reply from OP.

[irootoo]

Originally Posted by dfour

Growing up, my mother wasn't the hugging type. So, it pretty much stayed that way all along. I'm in my mid 40's and it just wouldn't feel right doing it. Maybe some know what I'm saying.

But I have no problem giving hugs to other people, whether it be some of my wife's friends or older people that I know. Feels fine and natural.

Anyone else this way?

My mom has passed, but I know exactly what you're talking about. Growing up, the only time I remember my mom even touching me was a brief hand on my forehead to see if I had a fever once or twice a year. It didn't seem strange to me, because I literally had never seen anyone hug, except on TV. (Since my main source of knowledge about the world was via "I Love Lucy" and "The Dick Van Dyke Show," I think I may have concluded that it was something only people from New York City did.)

When I got to college (in the late 1970s), people were hugging each other right and left. At first I felt terribly uncomfortable being hugged, but I made up my mind that since no one else knew of my discomfort, I was going to go with the flow and hug people until I got used to it.

Since my mom didn't expect hugs from me, I got away with not hugging her whenever I went home. But then a couple of years after I graduated, I was with my mom and my sister. My sister was a bigtime hugger and when we got ready to leave, she went up and hugged my mom. My mom got the biggest smile on her face and hugged her back, doing that kind of swaying back and forth thing people do when they are really into a hug. I thought it was so sweet, so I decided to hug her too. When I did, she immediately pushed me away, laughed and said, "Wow, I got a mouthful of hair on that one."

It took a long time before I could hug her again, and it never once felt right.

But I did get a reputation at the shop where I read Tarot for being the best hugger. People would ask me for one of my"Patented Irootoo Hugs," and I heard from the shopkeepers that people actually talked to each other about my hugs, like, "I've had such a bad day, I wish Irootoo was here so I could get a hug."

I was always delighted to give a big warm hug to anyone who wanted one, but I always remained uncomfortable when I had to hug my mom. And I say "had to" because really, I didn't want to. Not one time. Morale of the story: Hug your kids often when they're young and they'll likely want to hug you when you're old.

[fluffythewondercat]

As an adult, I tried hugging my mother once. She stepped to one side to avoid it.

[Cida]

Originally Posted by dfour

Growing up, my mother wasn't the hugging type. So, it pretty much stayed that way all along. I'm in my mid 40's and it just wouldn't feel right doing it. Maybe some know what I'm saying.

But I have no problem giving hugs to other people, whether it be some of my wife's friends or older people that I know. Feels fine and natural. Anyone else this way?

So what's the big deal? You recognized her preference and were considerate about honoring it.

[LieslMet]

Originally Posted by dfour

Growing up, my mother wasn't the hugging type. So, it pretty much stayed that way all along. I'm in my mid 40's and it just wouldn't feel right doing it. Maybe some know what I'm saying.

But I have no problem giving hugs to other people, whether it be some of my wife's friends or older people that I know. Feels fine and natural.

Anyone else this way?

Iceberg. In public, my mother is friendly and lovely and everyone loves her... she will allow herself to be hugged but doesn't hug back. It's not as noticeable unless you're her child. Heh.

My friends have noticed that all of us kids do a kind of an American version of "à double-biseau" with our mother. The side of our mouths make contact with her cheeks and there's a sort of hug happening but it isn't at all warm. And it only looks cold to our foreign friends... the American ones see kids kissing their mother. I just always figured it was 400 years of American WASP-y coldness and rigidity. I saw a picture of my great grandmother leaning over, holding me against the front of her dress as I clutched her legs when I was about 3, but I don't remember any hugs. I do remember her constantly for etiquette. I can hear her correcting my posture, my presentation, and my volume. I'm rolling my shoulders back, setting my jaw back and relaxed, at this moment, at the thought. lol

We don't really miss each other. Not our parents and not between siblings. We're affectionate with babies but by the time those babies are 3 or 4, the closeness has gone stale. We all live within 4-20 minutes of each other and might see everyone together once every other year or so? Even the siblings we really like will be only every few months. Unless there's a baby. We all love babies.

Among our friends, I'm a hugger. I cry with people. I hold them and stroke their hair. But in our family, that is not normal and would be very strange. You don't tell your family about your struggles... they might feel obligated to help you. And that's rude.

[Murk]

I grew up in a non-hugging family, too. My mother is lovely, warm, and not stand-off-ish in the slightest, but I can't hug her. It would be weird. My sisters and I were the same way until a year or two ago. We started hugging goodbye after family gatherings. Both of their husbands come from more physically affectionate families, it seems, and they always hugged and cheek-kissed goodbye. Maybe the habit rubbed off on my sisters. It still feels weird to me -- not that I think there's anything wrong with hugging your family -- but just not what we ever did.