I am taking a break from my abusive father.2 family members HATE me now! (person, brother)

[ManhattanGirlz]

He is my uncle. But raised me. I look at him as my father. even though he does not feel the same. he always CORRECTS me and tell me i am his NEICE!

He is 85. in excellent health! I am cancer survivior. i beat it.
i have a little girl. sweet as pie.

my dad adopted a little boy years ago. the child is now 32. i look at him as my brother. but the bias and blatant prejudice my dad has shown me is unbearable. i am bi racial. my brother is caucasian and has 2 kids. my dad treats my daughter the same way he treated me coming up. kept me hidden! although my daughter's dad was italian and she looks more italian.

his mean spirit and prejudice have taken it's toll. my daughter invites him to events. he declines. my neice invites him and he accepts. ALWAYS! it has gone on for years. yes i have allowed it. i own it. but now that my daughter is 12, she thinks something is wrong with her. final straw was she invited him to a girl's basketball game bus trip. he said yes! she was overjoyed. now he says my sister in law says her child wants to go, so they signed up for it & ACCIDENTALY PUT HIS NAME DOWN ON THE FORUM INSTEAD OF HERS. !!!?? (how can you do that)? the solution seemed simple. I suggested we keep our original plans, and she take her daughter. we invited him!!! . he said "i can't do that i might hurt their feelings" well what about my daughter's? when he told her she was crushed!! this happens all the time. my daughter was done with him because of his constant verbal abuse with me. but wanted to try. he accuses me of turning her against him, when actually sometimes i LIE so she won't be hurt..

but she know came to this on her own. too many heart breaks and dissappointments.

i am taking a break. i know he is old. but he functions like a 60 year old! but i am so stressed i am sick constanly. my daughter as well! we treat him very kindly. they USE him. i just don't get it.

he does not understand my silence. i can't explain. everytime i try to tell him hoe his behavior affects us he says i am too sensitive. or he is not mean. but ask my neighbors and our mailman! all have witnessed his verbal abuse and commented.

he thinks how he treats us is fine. and now 2 relatives have called me saying i am ungrateful. they never heard his abuse. and he lies9hate saying that about my dad) and leaves out part of the story. he told them i was mad at him for taking my neice to a basketball game. leaving out we had invited him first and he switched up as always....

yes. he did raise me. yes. he did help me pay to repair my car 2 years ago. but what do you do when the person who is causing you so much pain is your own relative.
I LOVE HIM SOOOOO MUCH! but i love my child more! and i am so tired of seeing her cry and being sick because of his him.

i have tried just turning a blind eye. my child cannot.
thanks in advance.

[crisan]

It sounds like you are over thinking it and your daughter is not. If my daughter was done with someone, I would be too.

Madam, you don't have to be nice. So stop trying to prove that you are. That is being used against you.

[OngletNYC]

You are two old for this. It's time to move on, and consider your own household as your primary concern. My dad was a jackass too... oh well, such is life. You don't get to pick and choose your relatives, but you can decide to make the most out of your life. It's time to grow up and get over it.

[Sensei Han]

I agree with the two previous posters.

I took a permanent break from someone like this too - 28 years ago.

I was the "bad son" for it.

For a long time I was bothered about what was being said about me. One day I had a talk with my closest friend who kept asking me how's "things".

I finally expressed the whats and the whys and he never asked me again. Same thing with a cousin.

Now people are understanding why I did what I did. They can see as it became obvious.

When someone does you wrong, that wrong they did comes back to bite them in the ass.

I forgave and don't linger in it and I'm happy.

[Honeycrisp]

Would try not to dwell on it - not much you can do if others agree w/ him - he just may feel closer to his son b/c sometimes men identify more w/ their sons, it has nothing to do w/ anything else and I wouldnt read too much into it. Sounds like you see a lot of each other and it drags you down and is affecting your daughter and others are noticing it too. Now that spring's here and nice weather is around the corner, maybe it's time to branch out, get some new interests and make new friends, you can't replace your relatives but if you're unhappy bc of certain situations, time to let it go and move on and focus on the positive, in the long run it's a lot healthier for yourself, your daughter as well as your father - as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

[NY Annie]

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward.

It helped me.

You are not alone in your pain. But, as you said, your daughter is being hurt by him now and it is time to circle the wagons and stop leaving yourselves vulnerable to attacks. You don't have to attack him, just protect you.

Read the book - now, today. It will help.

[duvallwest]

i agree that you need to stop worrying about the other family making you feel bad...you are an adult and can choose who you talk to..period..none of no one's business....

and just because someone is family..they can hurt you..family or not....dont let that influence you....