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I have been thinking about this a lot. In my family of origin, there was only one person I really resonated with (including extended family members). The other ones I got along with and get along with now, but there is no common interest or real affection (I would assume going both ways).
In the family I created, the feelings of affection are stronger, but there are many "difficult" personalities.
I have always craved a "happy family" and this has been a source of constant hurt and disappointment.
When I hear about happy families it sets up the craving, which is a dead-end . . . just not in the cards.
I am trying to lower my expectations for these relationships and be on guard when we get together (a pattern is that I get my hopes up and then someone starts an argument or there is some unpleasantness). Many people in my family are quite volatile and some are downright mean. Because of my yearning for family, I tend to set myself up again and again and this really has to stop.
I would love to hear from other people who have painful relationships with family and any tips they might have for "what helps."
I am not really interested in turning this into a complaint session. I could list pages and pages of heartbreak but that just keeps the problems entrenched in negativity.
I have done some spiritual work which has helped (Ho-Oponopono, a Hawaiin Huna method of healing and it has helped a lot, but the problems still remain).
In Buddhism it is said that the people you have the most problems with are your teachers . . . I am trying to entertain this thought in a way that might be useful (instead of resenting them for "being who they are" - which is not how I want them to be) - some of them have anger issues, some of them have various problems that go on and on, some of them are into drama and crises, some are just mean as snakes, etc. There is at least one dry drunk (and I have attended Alanon in the past but am not really into it at this point) . . .
I also get terribly upset when things go wrong in these people's lives. It is like it is happening to me, not them . . . I just get devastated if anything "bad" happens to them . . . again, I see that I have work to do in this area and am looking for any insight or tips that I can get because it is literally ruining my life to be so distraught over these people. I believe in reincarnation and I have no idea why I would have chosen to incarnate with most of these people.
Location: On the "Left Coast", somewhere in "the Land of Fruits & Nuts"
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It just seems to be the "luck of the draw" why some folks come from "happy families" and some do not. Coming from the latter situation myself, I feel for 'ya, and from speaking with other friends from similar backgrounds, it often seems to be a life-long dilemma, which we try to compensate for by finding "pseudo-families" thru friends, community, work, sports, etc..
That said, I think that expecting everyone in our "intentional" families to behave like "real" family members is unrealistic. They're not there to fulfill our "needs" anymore than we are to fill theirs. Which makes me wonder whether you might be "projecting" too much of yourself out onto others (including perhaps being overly involved in their emotional lives).
So I believe the short answer, is to go back to providing the nurturing for yourself that "family" never did.... partly so you can better observe what it is you're really looking for.
It just seems to be the "luck of the draw" why some folks come from "happy families" and some do not. Coming from the latter situation myself, I feel for 'ya, and from speaking with other friends from similar backgrounds, it often seems to be a life-long dilemma, which we try to compensate for by finding "pseudo-families" thru friends, community, work, sports, etc..
That said, I think that expecting everyone in our "intentional" families to behave like "real" family members is unrealistic. They're not there to fulfill our "needs" anymore than we are to fill theirs. Which makes me wonder whether you might be "projecting" too much of yourself out onto others (including perhaps being overly involved in their emotional lives).
So I believe the short answer, is to go back to providing the nurturing for yourself that "family" never did.... partly so you can better observe what it is you're really looking for.
Yes, this is absolutely "my problem," but I can't seem to "get over it."
The nurturing I need that I never got . . . that's a tough one, but I am working on it. If anyone has any examples that would be good.
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