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I can't figure this one out. My goals are to not "get into it" with the person and not to get angry, because the person is not worth it to me.
Here is a recent scenario:
The disturbing person is the SO of a relative - the relative can be difficult too, but I want to keep that relationship intact for family political reasons.
I was at a sporting event. I was sitting in front of the relative and watching the game. Just before the game was over, the SO of the relative (whom nobody in my family likes) walked up the bleachers and as he passed me he said, "Hi. How are you?" and kept walking to his GF. I said, "Fine, and you?" but it was noisy in there and I guess he didn't hear me because he said to his GF "I said 'hi' to her but she didn't say anything." And then the GF said, "Uh, yeah . . ."
The guy is very aggressive and nasty and has no issues making snide remarks. It would do no good what-so-ever to try to school him . . . he just doesn't care and is ill-mannered. The relative has other issues and there is also no getting through to her to appeal to him (plus, she likes him which says something about her and her character).
I do not want my mood spoiled by him . . . I was at a loss as to what to do in the moment. I was seething. It ruined my day and I do not want to give anyone power to do that in the future, which is why I am on a message board, asking how to deal with this.
A holiday is coming up . . . I will try to avoid him, but if he come up to me and says something crappy, what are some things I could say that would diffuse the situation? I don't want to have to just get up and leave. I guess I am really asking how to control my own anger and fury . . . He is very disrespectful and that is a hot button for me.
Does anyone have successful experience dealing with aggressive people and not allowing them to upset you?
I cannot think of anything to say or do that would not escalate the situation and I do not want to do that.
Ok... so he got upset because he didn't think you responded, you readily admit it was loud and he likely didn't hear you, but you get upset too because... well because he didn't hear you?
Sorry... but that's just not making any sense to me. I don't see why you're upset over that.
If he gets aggressive with you, ignore him and walk away. But if it's something like what you posted, after the game walk up to him and say "Hey, I said I was fine and asked how you were, but I don't think you heard me over the crowd. So how are you doing?".
I have an uncle I do not get along with and to this day I do not know why he is such a nasty ass to me and I'm to the point I don't care I never see him that much. I was with my boyfriend at the time at the movies and it so happened he and his wife were sitting in the same row a few empty seats over and she gives me an enthusiastic 'Hi!" and then taps him on the shoulder to point out I was there. He literally got up and started walking through the row of seats in front of us (this was before the movie started) and looks at me and says, "You just can't go anywhere anymore." real nasty and kept walking out of the theater so I just held my cup up and said, "And nice to see you too" with a smile on my face.
It's hard to convey what really happened. He has a habit of exaggerating being nice - it is completely phony - and he expects you to be extremely nice back to him or he acts out - so as he passed me - he said "hi" - then IMMEDIATELY tattled - LOUD - like saying, "See, she's an a-hole - I said 'hi' to her but she didn't say anything back." And he said it so I could hear it.
I don't like him. I don't want to talk to him, so I would not go up to him after the game to say anything. My question is how not to let an aggressive a-hole ruin your day, in public or at a family gathering --both places where you want to be polite and not start a huge brawl, which would ruin the event or day for other people.
If it had happened in private at home or something, I would say, "What the Hell is wrong with you?" but in public or at a family gathering, how do you keep your cool and not make a scene.
I think my anger arose so strongly because I could not say anything, plus even if I did, it would do absolutely no good - it would not change him - so there is no point.
Can you give a better example of how he disrespects you and your family? Your only example is a misunderstanding.
It wasn't a misunderstanding. His saying "hi" to begin with was sarcastic and I don't know how to explain it . . . he is over-the-top cheery - and demands that you match it, and when you don't, then the insults start.
He says stuff like "ISN'T THIS AN AMAZING DAY?" and if you don't respond with the proper amount of zeal, then he trashes you and says stuff like "Wow. You are grumpy. You should cheer up. Do you want some ice cream?"
Every time I saw him for awhile, he would ask me if I wanted some candy or ice cream.
If he talks to you and you don't answer him right away (because you don't hear him or are talking to someone else), he actually TATTLES to his girlfriend and then she gives you the evil eye or tries to defend him somehow. It's pretty sick.
It's hard to convey what really happened. He has a habit of exaggerating being nice - it is completely phony - and he expects you to be extremely nice back to him or he acts out - so as he passed me - he said "hi" - then IMMEDIATELY tattled - LOUD - like saying, "See, she's an a-hole - I said 'hi' to her but she didn't say anything back." And he said it so I could hear it.
I don't like him. I don't want to talk to him, so I would not go up to him after the game to say anything. My question is how not to let an aggressive a-hole ruin your day, in public or at a family gathering --both places where you want to be polite and not start a huge brawl, which would ruin the event or day for other people.
If it had happened in private at home or something, I would say, "What the Hell is wrong with you?" but in public or at a family gathering, how do you keep your cool and not make a scene.
I think my anger arose so strongly because I could not say anything, plus even if I did, it would do absolutely no good - it would not change him - so there is no point.
Honestly... based off everything you've said it sounds like you're incredibly sensitive and he can be a bit rude sometimes so both of you play into each other's insecurities.
I honestly don't think you're average person would have gotten so angry because someone didn't hear them or pretended not to hear them. It's really not a big deal.
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