Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
You can MAKE them change things sometimes, but there's going to resentment, and that's not good to have in a relationship.
In a relationship, you don't make people change things because there will be resentment. It is these kinds of things that determine if you want to be with a person who is sensitive to your feelings or not. OTOH, it is these kinds of things that determine if the SO wants to be with a person who appears to have trust issues. It goes both ways so you have to pay attention to overall behavior and be careful on how things are said.
In a relationship, you don't make people change things because there will be resentment. It is these kinds of things that determine if you want to be with a person who is sensitive to your feelings or not. OTOH, it is these kinds of things that determine if the SO wants to be with a person who appears to have trust issues. It goes both ways so you have to pay attention to overall behavior and be careful on how things are said.
That's why I specified if the requests are reasonable.
If I took issue with something my SO would probably respect it and take appropriate action. Why? Is he whipped? No, because I've never asked anything like that in 8 mos. it's not in my nature. I've never even looked through his friend list on FB. I trust him so who they are doesn't matter to me.
I would never make my SO do anything. Getting your way via brow beating seems like a crappy way to live. For both parties.
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,429,775 times
Reputation: 4611
Things can be misread and misunderstood on FB. Especially when
2 use the same page. I'd Remove myself and all info, from my SO's
page and start my personall one allowing only known friends to see my Info, Profile, and Wall. If a question arises, I'd say, "I'm tired of being an open
book to the public" or something to that effect.
I've been friends with a previous co-worker now for 12 years. When we worked together we were very close. I was single and dated his best friend for a bit. He worked the same shift with my best friend who was killed in a car accident a year after we started working together. It's a very close friendship.
I moved about five years ago and we lost touch for a while. My husband has a lot of medical problems (hubby and friend are friends as well) and I took a job that left me about 4 to 5 hours of sleep a day, so I lost touch with almost everyone. Recently we got back in touch on Facebook. We usually 'chat' late at night. I keep late hours now that I'm not working and he usually hops on before he goes to bed, so we catch up for a few minutes.
Last night he sent me a chat just as I was about to get off line and head to bed. We only talked a couple minutes and I hopped off. I noticed he was back on line this morning when I logged on so I posted on one of his links that it was good to talk to him, sorry I couldn't talk longer, missed him and told him to give me a call.
Now, if you look at my wall, I'm a very emotionally open person with all my friends, male and female. Most posts to my friends I tell them I love them and miss them, etc. So it's not like my post to him was odd or anything.
I logged off FB and went about the day. I get text message updates from FB and got one from him telling me my post was totally inappropriate and he didn't think my husband would appreciate knowing I was chatting with him in the middle of the night (hubby was right next to me while we were chatting - it's not a big deal), just like he knew his new GF wouldn't like it and he'd appreciate if I didn't post things like that on his wall.
I was floored and wondered if I'd accidentally posted something on his wall that I meant for someone else (I've got some friends that I'm pretty outgoing with, in a fun way) so I logged back on and looked, but no, it was just what I thought I'd posted. So I deleted the post and sent him a private message and explained that I didn't think it was inappropriate at all and I was very sorry if she'd seen it and it caused problems, but I'd deleted it (it was there maybe 5 minutes) and wouldn't post on his wall again.
He sent me a message back saying they'd had a lot of problems and him being on Facebook was a major issue in their relationship. Now, this is such a new GF that he's never even mentioned her to me. Anyway, I apologized up and down, told him I'll never post anything at all on his wall ever, and we can keep our friendship a secret and only talk on chat and message. He seemed ok, said he didn't mind but it was his GF that has an issue with him having female friends.
Now, it's his life. But WTH? He's in law enforcement. Some of the people he works closely with are female. Including a very good mutual friend of ours. Those people, including the women, will be the ones to save his butt if he gets in a tight situation at work and needs back up. Close relationships are vital there. This is a HUGE agency but each district gets together every 3 to 5 weeks with the family and goes to dinner and has drinks and just hangs. It's a VERY tight group. Including the guys and women. So how in the world is this going to work for them?
Like I said, it's his relationship and his problem, but it's kind of left a bit of an odd tension in our friendship now. I don't deal well at all with insecure people. My husband has female friends from years of work and even women he went to school with. They message and chat on a regular basis, as well as talk on the phone and e-mail. It's something I encourage. A friend is a friend. I have a very strong marriage and don't worry in the least that he'd stray anymore than I ever would. He had some insecurity issues when we started dating and within a few months I told him if it would be an issue the relationship won't work. I get along much better with guys than women to begin with, so he needs to accept that I will always have guy friends. It was hard for him for a while but he dealt with it. He has my password for my e-mail and Facebook account and knows he can look there anytime he wants, as well as in my cell phone or purse. He never has, but if he wanted to he could. I have nothing to hide from him and he hides nothing from me. So for a friend to be going through something like this, and it to result in a strain in our friendship is odd. I've never had a problem like this before. Has anyone else dealt with something like this? If so, did it eventually resolve itself or was there a change forever in the friendship?
For the record, we are several states away from each other. I'm not sure how in the world she can be insecure or jealous of someone happily married a few states away.
I've been friends with a previous co-worker now for 12 years. When we worked together we were very close. I was single and dated his best friend for a bit. He worked the same shift with my best friend who was killed in a car accident a year after we started working together. It's a very close friendship.
I moved about five years ago and we lost touch for a while. My husband has a lot of medical problems (hubby and friend are friends as well) and I took a job that left me about 4 to 5 hours of sleep a day, so I lost touch with almost everyone. Recently we got back in touch on Facebook. We usually 'chat' late at night. I keep late hours now that I'm not working and he usually hops on before he goes to bed, so we catch up for a few minutes.
Last night he sent me a chat just as I was about to get off line and head to bed. We only talked a couple minutes and I hopped off. I noticed he was back on line this morning when I logged on so I posted on one of his links that it was good to talk to him, sorry I couldn't talk longer, missed him and told him to give me a call.
Now, if you look at my wall, I'm a very emotionally open person with all my friends, male and female. Most posts to my friends I tell them I love them and miss them, etc. So it's not like my post to him was odd or anything.
I logged off FB and went about the day. I get text message updates from FB and got one from him telling me my post was totally inappropriate and he didn't think my husband would appreciate knowing I was chatting with him in the middle of the night (hubby was right next to me while we were chatting - it's not a big deal), just like he knew his new GF wouldn't like it and he'd appreciate if I didn't post things like that on his wall.
I was floored and wondered if I'd accidentally posted something on his wall that I meant for someone else (I've got some friends that I'm pretty outgoing with, in a fun way) so I logged back on and looked, but no, it was just what I thought I'd posted. So I deleted the post and sent him a private message and explained that I didn't think it was inappropriate at all and I was very sorry if she'd seen it and it caused problems, but I'd deleted it (it was there maybe 5 minutes) and wouldn't post on his wall again.
He sent me a message back saying they'd had a lot of problems and him being on Facebook was a major issue in their relationship. Now, this is such a new GF that he's never even mentioned her to me. Anyway, I apologized up and down, told him I'll never post anything at all on his wall ever, and we can keep our friendship a secret and only talk on chat and message. He seemed ok, said he didn't mind but it was his GF that has an issue with him having female friends.
Now, it's his life. But WTH? He's in law enforcement. Some of the people he works closely with are female. Including a very good mutual friend of ours. Those people, including the women, will be the ones to save his butt if he gets in a tight situation at work and needs back up. Close relationships are vital there. This is a HUGE agency but each district gets together every 3 to 5 weeks with the family and goes to dinner and has drinks and just hangs. It's a VERY tight group. Including the guys and women. So how in the world is this going to work for them?
Like I said, it's his relationship and his problem, but it's kind of left a bit of an odd tension in our friendship now. I don't deal well at all with insecure people. My husband has female friends from years of work and even women he went to school with. They message and chat on a regular basis, as well as talk on the phone and e-mail. It's something I encourage. A friend is a friend. I have a very strong marriage and don't worry in the least that he'd stray anymore than I ever would. He had some insecurity issues when we started dating and within a few months I told him if it would be an issue the relationship won't work. I get along much better with guys than women to begin with, so he needs to accept that I will always have guy friends. It was hard for him for a while but he dealt with it. He has my password for my e-mail and Facebook account and knows he can look there anytime he wants, as well as in my cell phone or purse. He never has, but if he wanted to he could. I have nothing to hide from him and he hides nothing from me. So for a friend to be going through something like this, and it to result in a strain in our friendship is odd. I've never had a problem like this before. Has anyone else dealt with something like this? If so, did it eventually resolve itself or was there a change forever in the friendship?
For the record, we are several states away from each other. I'm not sure how in the world she can be insecure or jealous of someone happily married a few states away.
Anyway, I apologized up and down, told him I'll never post anything at all on his wall ever, and we can keep our friendship a secret and only talk on chat and message. He seemed ok, said he didn't mind but it was his GF that has an issue with him having female friends.
For the record, we are several states away from each other. I'm not sure how in the world she can be insecure or jealous of someone happily married a few states away.
Look at the two bolded sentences. The first is the answer to the second. She has every reason to feel insecure and jealous because in response to her being upset, the first reaction was, "Then, that's her tough cookies. You and I are friends and that takes precedence over her. Heck, I've known you for 12 years and you two just started dating. I might delete that message and play nice to her face, but let's go deep undercover, keep talking and hide it from her."
It's a power play. You aren't giving him up for her or any other girl. (And I don't necessarily think you should. Nothing inappropriate has happened.) But look at it from her side. Why would she trust you? Plus, it may not even be you that she doesn't trust, but him. He may have done this before.
Granted, you did nothing wrong in the message. He's your friend. Not a thing wrong with what you wrote. Not a thing wrong with having opposite sex friends. But there's also the chance that she may know him better than you think. He may be flirting it up with other girls through Facebook and your message may have been the 3rd such one she noticed. Yours was completely innocent. But the two before it might not have been.
Also, having secret relationships isn't the best thing, IMO. It leads to more lies and potential drama, not to mention it gives the insecure GF more reason to not trust you two. What if she has his passwords and reads the secret conversations between you and your friend?
It appears that FB has caused more grief with couples than it is worth and am happy I don't have it and all that drama. I've read thing after thing about exactly what you are posting about and I just shake my head. All that internet drama will kill a person or at least their relationships
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Opposite sex friend - new insecure GF
He seemed ok, said he didn't mind but it was his GF that has an issue with him having female friends.
