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She sounds just like my mother and I'll keep reading the replies with interest. Yep, all of it--mild dementia, narcissistic, people ripping her off, etc. What we do know is that we can't take it personally when she accuses us, but it sure is hard and standing your ground won't teach her a thing b/c she is not rational.
I think you should pursue the legal route. It isn't going to get any easier and her condition won't improve. The sooner you get the legal stuff out of the way, the easier it will be to manage her care and assets later on. In the long run it protects her as well.
She sounds just like my mother and I'll keep reading the replies with interest. Yep, all of it--mild dementia, narcissistic, people ripping her off, etc. What we do know is that we can't take it personally when she accuses us, but it sure is hard and standing your ground won't teach her a thing b/c she is not rational.
I have trouble not taking it personally because she tells every individual she comes into contact with (neighbors, workers, police, the tax preparer, etc.) that her daughter is a worthless crook. She even told my own son -- her only grandchild -- this stuff. I have always treated her with such love and care and put up with the abuse for years. It is such an unfair situation. I know that no one believes her but it is so offensive. I am a semi-retired executive and I have always been above board and have assumed so much personal expense in helping Mom. This is also unfair to my brother, I realize, that my withdrawal places it all on his shoulders.......still, with so much blame being thrown my way, I am not wanting to handle her issues without legal authority, because it means handling her finances and maybe selling her house and finding a place for her......
I haven't read all the responses, but please go to alz.org. There are plenty of people there in your same situation and they will give you tons og GOOD advice. Not saying that you haven't had good advice here, but they are the experts for sure.
I haven't read all the responses, but please go to alz.org. There are plenty of people there in your same situation and they will give you tons og GOOD advice. Not saying that you haven't had good advice here, but they are the experts for sure.
Peachy, thanks so much, I just went to the website and I will be referring to it often I bookmarked it.
I don't live locally so it would be very hard to do this alone.......but that's worth exploring. We've been in this together, so I guess I have never thought to do anything unless we were united......
I would strongly suggest that you continue to do it together, or if one of you does it alone, let it be him. You took a step back several years ago, and your brother has been the one handling her affairs most recently, so if you step in now, alone, and want to take legal control? And your mother already accuses you of stealing? I just can't help but think that the united front with both you and your brother is the way to go, in this particular case!
I own this t-shirt and I know from experience what you are going through.
As long as she knows who she is, where she is, and when she is, and who is president....she is competent and has the right to make her own decisions/mistakes. And btw, don't be surprised when you find out she has given away a lot of money too. People like this are consistently taken advantage of.
Did you get any access to her psych eval? If you can get the info, it may be exactly what you need. Was she assigned a social worker? If she was, talk to him/her. Was she classified as competent? Was she told not to live alone or that she needs care?
Start by writing down a list of actions and dates. A history of your Mom's irrational behavior and your efforts on her behalf. Include everything that you and your brother have tried to do. And her unsafe living conditions she refuses to fix. Add in all the medical documentation available to you. Everything you can get from law enforcement/neighbors, etc. The next time you are in CA, go to a CA attorney who specializes in eldercare with your brother and see what he/she suggests. Most offer a free consult. Perhaps you can meet with her social worker too. See what they suggest as well. You will run into the patient confidentiality issue and there are limits on what they can divulge. It's not their fault, it's the law of the land. You may have a case that will allow you conservator-ship and be able to place her in assisted living.
If it's determined you don't have a case, there isn't much you can do but wait for the inevitable broken hip or some other incident that will force the issue. Just do what you can and accept that she won't let you do what needs to be done. She doesn't want to give up her rights.
I hope both of you know this isn't really your Mom. Your Mom is already gone. Try to keep the memories of when Mom was Mom. Best of luck to you!
So here is the update: hospital psychiatrist said Mom has moderate Altz. and a severe urinary tract infection. They have been giving her antibiotics thru IV and dr. says when it clears up she should return to her "normal." They recommend she live at home with daily supervision to make sure she takes meds (including an anti-psychotic med to be replaced by an alz. med) and hydrates (she doesn't drink many liquids). She was released last night and my SIL spent the night. My SIL's father died last month and had a live-in caregiver who is available. This lady will come this weekend and stay with Mom - she wont commit to anything longer knowing Mom's history of accusing everyone of theft. My brother won't work with me on the involuntary guardianship - he thinks Mom will fight it and doesn't want to spend the money even though we can afford it. He thinks this episode will be pivotal in having Mom to give voluntary conservatorship. The hospital social worker and my SIL have both told my brother that, given her history of taking back all agreements we make, the involuntary is the only way to go. I am standing my ground that I will not be on the scene to help unless I have the legal right since Mom has reported me to the police as a thief and told many neighbors that I am a bad person. Yes, I know its the brain malfunction talking -- not my real Mom -- but I will not handle her issues unprotected....
So here is the update: hospital psychiatrist said Mom has moderate Altz. and a severe urinary tract infection. They have been giving her antibiotics thru IV and dr. says when it clears up she should return to her "normal." They recommend she live at home with daily supervision to make sure she takes meds (including an anti-psychotic med to be replaced by an alz. med) and hydrates (she doesn't drink many liquids).
Oh wow! My great-grandmother had the exact same thing as you're described above - a slight case of Alzheimer's and a urinary tract infection - it didn't make her angry though - just ditzy and sort of out of her mind. And she never kicked the urinary tract infection - she lived the last two years of her life with it. She was a really good sport, but it was not fun - and then add in dehydration and Alzheimer's? It's just tough.
So it's really really good that there will be someone checking on your Mom everyday, to make sure she takes her medications and just does a general check of how she's doing!
Good luck! It sounds like everything is on the right track, as long as Mom doesn't fire the home health supervisor!
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