Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have a really close (or at least, very close in the past) friend of the same gender, who I have basically known since the 6th grade in elementary school. He and I have kept in touch over the years, with usually a few in-person visits every year. I am also very close to his immediate family. I care about him and his family, very much. I was invited multiple times by he and his familly to visit with them over the holidays, even to the point where they were extremely kind and hospitable, and allowed me to temporarily live with them, for a few months when I was out of town. His family members are very kind, and have a heart of gold.
The only thing that troubles me is the fact that I have always felt the friendship itself was rather one-sided. Whenever he needed someone to talk to and was sad (such as when his ex-fiance dropped him a few months before his planned wedding, and he was literally crying and in tears over the phone), I was always there for him, and comforted and sympathized him, as any good friend would do. But he has practically never once reciprocated the gesture, on the rare occasion when I needed to talk to him about something. Everything, all of our conversations together, were always "me me me me...everything me" ("me" referring to "him"). We talked about whatever *he* was interested in. If I started talking about something he wasn't interested in, he would get bored, interrupt, and quickly change the subject. When I called him the other day, he was actually ruder than usual about it, b/c when I was talking to him about the girl I am currently interested in, he interrupted me before I could finish talking, and in a rather impatient / displeased tone of voice, he practically snarled "Can we change the subject?!"
The other thing is, although he is a professional and works in science / health profession, we have a rather dramatic difference in salaries that we make, which has always been a rather sensitive subject for me, and I find I'm always "walking on eggshells" with him, whenever I talk about my job (when he's actually receptive to hearing about it, anyway). From what I understand, he is making in the mid-five figures, and so I can understand why he wouldn't like me to gloss about my own salary, as I make in the lower-six figures. But I have to catch myself literally every time I talk about my job, to the point where it almost feels like I have to be "ashamed" for some reason, for merely making more than he. But as far as I am concerned, it's not a competition at all, and I don't think I'm any better than he, just b/c I happen to make more. But somehow I don't think he sees it the same way
What would you do, if you were in my situation? The blatant one-sidedness of the friendship has at times made me seriously consider just dropping him as a friend, but I do care deeply about his family (as they are almost like my own family, to me in a way). Further, he is pretty much my only remaining male friend, IRL anyway. I just can't stand his condescending attitude sometimes though, and the way he puts me down indirectly a lot, during our conversations
Last edited by Phoenix2017; 06-16-2011 at 11:01 AM..
Reason: Corrected typos
I'm sorry to hear that your friend has always acted like that, and I know you care for him and his family deeply, but I really think it's time to let go even if it's painful. A true friend doesn't act like that. They should be supportive in anything you do (as long as it doesn't hurt anyone). I think it is time to say goodbye. A friend shouldn't have to make you feel like youre walking on eggshells with them
I have a really close (or at least, very close in the past) friend of the same gender, who I have basically known since the 6th grade in elementary school. He and I have kept in touch over the years, with usually a few in-person visits every year. I am also very close to his immediate family. I care about him and his family, very much. I was invited multiple times by he and his familly to visit with them over the holidays, even to the point where they were extremely kind and hosipital and allowed me to temporarily live with them, for a few months when I was out of town. His family members are very kind, and have a heart of gold.
The only thing that troubles me is the fact that I have always felt the friendship itself was rather one-sided. Whenever he needed someone to talk to and was sad (such as when his ex-fiance dropped him a few months before his planned wedding, and he was literally crying and in tears over the phone), I was always there for him, and comforted and sympathized him, as any good friend would do. But he has practically never once reciprocated the gesture, on the rare occasion when I needed to talk to him about something. Everything, all of our conversations together, were always "me me me me...everything me" ("me" referring to "him"). We talked about whatever *he* was interested in. If I started talking about something he wasn't interested in, he would get bored, interrupt, and quickly change the subject. When I called him the other day, he was actually ruder than usual about it, b/c when I was talking to him about the girl I am currently interested in, he interrupted me before I could finish talking, and in a rather impatient / displeased tone of voice, he practically snarled "Can we change the subject?!"
The other thing is, although he is a professional and works in science / health profession, we have a rather dramatic difference in salaries that we make, which has always been a rather sensitive subject for me, and I find I'm always "walking on eggshells" with him, whenever I talk about my job (when he's actually receptive to hearing about it, anyway). From what I understand, he is making in the mid-five figures, and so I can understand why he wouldn't like me to gloss about my own salary, as I make in the lower-six figures. But I have to catch myself literally every time I talk about my job, to the point where it almost feels like I have to be "ashamed" for some reason, for merely making more than he. But as far as I am concerned, it's not a competition at all, and I don't think I'm any better than he, just b/c I happen to make more. But somehow I don't think he sees it the same way
What would you do, if you were in my situation? The blatant one-sidedness of the friendship has at times made me seriously consider just dropping him as a friend, but I do care deeply about his family (as they are almost like my own family, to me in a way). Further, he is pretty much my only remaining male friend, IRL anyway. I just can't stand his condescending attitude sometimes though, and the way he puts me down indirectly a lot, during our conversations
i wouldn't have a "friend" like that. he's not a friend at all it sounds like.
I'm sorry to hear that your friend has always acted like that, and I know you care for him and his family deeply, but I really think it's time to let go even if it's painful. A true friend doesn't act like that. They should be supportive in anything you do (as long as it doesn't hurt anyone). I think it is time to say goodbye. A friend shouldn't have to make you feel like youre walking on eggshells with them
Thanks for your thoughtful comments, my friend I deeply appreciate your feedback.
i wouldn't have a "friend" like that. he's not a friend at all it sounds like.
Thx for your input...and yes I agree...I think I am going to completely re-evaluate things with him, even to the point of considering terminating the friendship, if need be.
There are multiple sides to being a good conversationalist. Mind you, I do not consider myself particularly skilled at this, but I have spent much time observing those who are and trying to learn what they do.
**Asking appropriate questions and showing interest in the topic the other person is discussing. It sounds like your friend isn't very skilled in this area. It doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't care (he might not), but maybe that he's not good at that aspect of conversing.
**Steering the conversation towards topics of common interest most of the time. Yes, my dad will listen if I tell him about a shirt I got at the mall. His attention span for that topic lasts about 5 seconds. "That's nice, H. Good for you." That's all I can get out of him. He has no interest in the fact that I found it on sale at this store, that the cut does this for my hips, that it will go perfectly with these pants... my mother would blab with me about that for 10 minutes, but my dad would want to claw his eyes out. So 90% of the time, I need to pick topics of conversation with my dad that interest us both or else it will be an aggravating call.
**Avoiding topics that will make the other person uncomfortable. I'm wondering if maybe this is the case with the girl you are interested in. Is it the same girl from before? I wonder if there are aspects of that which give him pause, that make him uncomfortable with it. It could be her age, the internet thing, her parents not knowing about it. Or, he could just be still grieving the loss of his engagement and it still hurts. Hard to say. But it sounds like this is something that you two shouldn't talk about.
**Picking up on cues. Is it possible you talked about the girl you're interested in too much? If he's having to snarl and beg to change the subject (wow, HUGE waving flag), I'm wondering if you missed some earlier cues that he didn't want to hear about it. Sometimes that looks like no follow-up questions, halfhearted laughter, etc.
Many thx for your thoughts h886! In response to your questions / comments:
(#1) That could very well be a legitimate issue, as he does have ADHD
(#2) Over the many years I've talked and conversed with him, the topics have always seemed to be centered pretty much 95% around the details of his life. His relationships. His career. His higher-ed schooling. And so on. We rarely if ever talked about my life at all. (Maybe like a grand total of about 7 times, typically very briefly and for just a few minutes at most, in about the last 19 years.) That's why it makes me very frustrated, when I try to talk about some of the things / updates that are happening in my own life, just to share with him, but he basically doesn't want to hear it.
(#3) Perhaps a combination of both. For example, he and I have very divergent philosophies when it comes to love and physical intimacy. For example, he is relatively liberal when it comes to full physical intimacy and intercourse (he lives with his own current long-term g/f, who he's been with for almost 3 years now). He admitted to me in during our last phone conversation that he doesn't fully understand why I have decided on full pre-marital celibacy and abstinence. And yes, to answer your other question, the romantic interest is same girl from earlier. He disapproves of the age gap, and even though he knows I am fully celibate and would keep anything prior to a marriage with her (as I would with any gal), physically G- / PG-rated, he still strongly disapproved. I certainly don't judge or criticize him for his lifestyle, so I don't quite understand his strong disapproval of my romantic details.
(#4) Perhaps -- I am admittedly rather horrible at reading body language and cues like that (verbal and non-verbal). Although, his tone of voice was also rather snippy for about 90% of the phone call, even when we were discussing items of interest to him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by h886
There are multiple sides to being a good conversationalist. Mind you, I do not consider myself particularly skilled at this, but I have spent much time observing those who are and trying to learn what they do.
**Asking appropriate questions and showing interest in the topic the other person is discussing. It sounds like your friend isn't very skilled in this area. It doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't care (he might not), but maybe that he's not good at that aspect of conversing.
**Steering the conversation towards topics of common interest most of the time. Yes, my dad will listen if I tell him about a shirt I got at the mall. His attention span for that topic lasts about 5 seconds. "That's nice, H. Good for you." That's all I can get out of him. He has no interest in the fact that I found it on sale at this store, that the cut does this for my hips, that it will go perfectly with these pants... my mother would blab with me about that for 10 minutes, but my dad would want to claw his eyes out. So 90% of the time, I need to pick topics of conversation with my dad that interest us both or else it will be an aggravating call.
**Avoiding topics that will make the other person uncomfortable. I'm wondering if maybe this is the case with the girl you are interested in. Is it the same girl from before? I wonder if there are aspects of that which give him pause, that make him uncomfortable with it. It could be her age, the internet thing, her parents not knowing about it. Or, he could just be still grieving the loss of his engagement and it still hurts. Hard to say. But it sounds like this is something that you two shouldn't talk about.
**Picking up on cues. Is it possible you talked about the girl you're interested in too much? If he's having to snarl and beg to change the subject (wow, HUGE waving flag), I'm wondering if you missed some earlier cues that he didn't want to hear about it. Sometimes that looks like no follow-up questions, halfhearted laughter, etc.
Last edited by Phoenix2017; 06-16-2011 at 02:00 PM..
Reason: Corrected typos
I'm sorry to hear that your friend has always acted like that, and I know you care for him and his family deeply, but I really think it's time to let go even if it's painful. A true friend doesn't act like that. They should be supportive in anything you do (as long as it doesn't hurt anyone). I think it is time to say goodbye. A friend shouldn't have to make you feel like youre walking on eggshells with them
I think there are some large differences between you that are bound to cause issues. The one coming to mind is the attitudes towards love/physical love. I would steer clear of it if possible, if that isnt practical because of course you wish to discuss these aspects of your life, I would tell this to another friend. Don't take offense, but the innocent approach to love that you have, may come across as strange to others with more modern viewpoints. And also the age difference between you and the girl might also make him uncomfortable, its hard to say, technically unless he is the parent/brother of this girl he should probably just mind his own business.
I think there are some large differences between you that are bound to cause issues. The one coming to mind is the attitudes towards love/physical love. I would steer clear of it if possible, if that isnt practical because of course you wish to discuss these aspects of your life, I would tell this to another friend. Don't take offense, but the innocent approach to love that you have, may come across as strange to others with more modern viewpoints. And also the age difference between you and the girl might also make him uncomfortable, its hard to say, technically unless he is the parent/brother of this girl he should probably just mind his own business.
Thx for your advice darren -- I deeply appreciate the valuable feedback!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I deeply appreciate your feedback.
