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Old 09-12-2011, 11:16 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 81,501,178 times
Reputation: 22814

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OK, I'm staying here trying to save YOU instead of getting my beauty sleep! Nitie-nite, B!

That's an example of my final answer to the thread!
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:18 PM
 
19,059 posts, read 22,818,090 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
Well, that sounds OK, but I doubt she'll stay there most of the time... Does it have any sort of a kitchenette? You said your home was quiet and she's loud. Your life will turn into hell!
Yep, that's the fear. It does have a kitchen, but it leads to my husband's den.

Quote:
Then she's not totally unemployable and you mentioned she had some experience (I assume in the same field), but if she is as huge as being almost immobile, probably nobody will hire her...
Yes, she was at a hospital for those years. She really enjoys the work. She's the person that hands the surgeon his/her instruments. As a first assistant she does the suturing. So, it's a career. It can lead to a good job. She just can't get another job in MI. It's strange. She can't even get an interview most of the time, which doesn't account for the weight issues. She thinks she might be black listed, but who knows.

Quote:
Still, I just don't like this situation one bit, Braunwyn... It sounds like this is an early-life friendship, then you've both grown up in different directions, and now you feel compelled to "save" her for old times' sake, but it's way too big of a burden...
This is true. As I mentioned earlier, it wasn't too different when we were kids. She had a hard time holding down a job. We did not hold the same work ethic and I'm not sure why. It's not like she comes from money or an easy life. She's had it rough.

I think back almost 20yrs ago and wish for different decisions, even then. What if I dragged her on tour with me? (hard work). What if I didn't leave her in Key West where she got into trouble (turned born again Christian, married one who was crazy, that led her life to where it is now). But, people are who they are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crabman1 View Post
I have done this and it didn't work out at all. In my case it ended much as sierra describes, the friendship was not the same after and we have since grown apart. I had very specific rules in place before hand but they were not onerous or at least I did not think so. I had no need of rent money and the like but I did not want my wife to have to pick up after him and told him he would have to clean up after himself. At the time I had young children and there would be no carrying on with women or drugs or anything whatsoever that would not be rated G. He had to actively pursue seeking a job. No excuses. That was it and it was the last one that he failed on. He started out ok but fizzled after a few weeks. If I had to do it over I would still make the same choice. I don't give up easily and it is my way to do something rather than nothing. Who knows, it may be that one day I teach a horse to sing.
Yep, I think you are being my fortune teller now lol. We'll see!

Quote:
Originally Posted by spinx View Post
Being on board doesn't mean there won't be problems. And of course your husband was there for you when your brother passed, that's what a good husband does. He was worried about you. However, this is a completely different scenario.

You sound like you are a great friend and are trying to do what's best for her, but you may be failing to see the true potential for harm to your family. I don't think there's anyone here who can convince you otherwise (and it seems as though everyone here is in consensus).

Good luck. Hopefully it all works out for you.
I will take warnings of potential harm to my family under consideration. Actually, due to you folk I will include those concerns in my email to her. She is a good person and she loves me. I will give her that food for thought as well as my own.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:20 PM
 
Location: Wu Dang Mountain
12,941 posts, read 19,949,519 times
Reputation: 8668
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn View Post
Damn, that's so insightful. Excellent, Phil. I will take heart and consider. Thank you.
You're very welcome - I hope it helps.


Quote:
I will reconsider the rent option after your comments. I'll throw it out there that I've taken in people in the past and I have been screwed by it. I used to call it "taking in strays". Although, back then, I didn't have a husband to consider or my current responsibilities. I'm just walking off a financial tight rope since my dh has been in school F/T for the past years. It's a delicate situation on that end.
Yet another dimension to consider - yikes! I don't envy you at this point ...

Sorry to run on, but maybe relating a story of a situation that happened to me will add another pebble in your shoe (sorry, but it's good to know as many scenarios as possible going in) ...

I had a student, a girl of 16, who I had been teaching martial arts for 2 years. She was a prodigy - took to the movements and philosophy like a fish to water. I knew she had a tough home life, so I made allowances for tardiness, absenteeism and inability to pay tuition. I worked with her and I watched her blossom.

She left due to family difficulties after two years.

Fast forward a few months. A few people ask me if I've seen her around lately - she had left home shortly after quitting my classes. I hadn't seen her, but started putting out feelers, tracking her through friends, etc. Turns out she was now homeless, still supposedly in the area and off her depression meds.

I finally found her one day as I was driving along a few towns over. I didn't even recognize her for a long minute; I just saw this pathetic-looking girl hitchhiking. She had recognized my car (pretty recognizable at the time) and hoped I'd see her. I got her in the car, threw her pitiful small bag of belongings in the back and headed back to my combo school / home.

Back to my wife and infant son.

My wife was normally a lovely woman, but for whatever reason she took an instant dislike to my suggestion that my former student stay with us until she got back on her feet. We ended up having heated arguments about it for days, while my student sat in her room crying about it.

The upshot of all this was that in the end I sided with my wife and told my student she had to leave. I didn't like it, but I saw what it was doing to my wife and I. My student left with a quiet goodbye.

Fast forward 3 days. Watching the news on TV. A body was found floating in the river a few miles away - no ID. I had a chill go up my spine and ran down to the morgue, where I ID'd her.

I felt like a bastard. And I took it out on my wife.

I've had years to think this over. The thing is, I did what I thought was the right thing at the time, but it had disastrous consequences. I ask myself what I would do if I could have a do-over.

The answer I've settled with? I would have allowed my student to stay, even if it meant the dissolution of my marriage. A life is far more valuable than a marriage, at least in MY little brain. The guilt I carried for years, versus the heated arguments I had with my wife ... I would take the arguments in a heart-beat.

If only I had thought of that back then ...
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:21 PM
 
19,059 posts, read 22,818,090 times
Reputation: 13453
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
OK, I'm staying here trying to save YOU instead of getting my beauty sleep! Nitie-nite, B!

That's an example of my final answer to the thread!
Me too. I have to get to bed. Thanks to all in this thread. You guys rock.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:23 PM
 
257 posts, read 543,040 times
Reputation: 382
Hopefully she'll get the welfare...and by that I mean that is what it is supposed to be for...people who experience a temporary severe life set-back...But unfortunately what was meant to be a temporary safety net has turned into a life-style for many

The welfare will probably give her shelter and food stamps and some small amount of money and hopefully she can get that job and you won't have to have her come to live with the two of you....your paying for her physical is extremely kind on your part due to your not like swimming in money.....

The welfare is the big key here I feel and I now feel better that things will work out....she needs to get off the couch and follow through with all interviews with welfare....

When I was a young teen a just married couple bought the house next to ours...had two kids one after the other..then the husband started doing drugs...it got bad...fired from his job...he didn't care...one day he got up and left her and the kids.....never to be heard from again.

She was forced to apply for welfare...received it and that kept the roof over their heads and helped provide food....she then found a job...then went to night school....found out she like business....went to a real estate license class...got her license....today she is a multi-million dollar producer......and she says if she never had that temporary assistance from welfare after her husband left her and the kids she never would be where she is today..

So please insist on your friend following up on welfare.....but I sure hope she doesn't use it like a life-style....you know what I mean...

Once again, best of luck with this very sticky situation.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:23 PM
 
Location: Rockwall
678 posts, read 1,368,846 times
Reputation: 1123
Is she covered by Medicaid? She could have the bariatric surgery to help with the obesity.

I have an image of you and your dh working to get the basement ready, making special meals for her, being intentional in planning your activities to include and involve her because you care about her. With her BMI, she may not feel like getting off the sofa.

She has to feel the need and have the desire to change/improve. If not, she will drain every bit of energy you have.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:33 PM
 
19,059 posts, read 22,818,090 times
Reputation: 13453
Quote:
Originally Posted by SifuPhil View Post
The guilt I carried for years, versus the heated arguments I had with my wife ... I would take the arguments in a heart-beat.
Wow. That's heavy and it's really what I'm talking about here. Or, at least the possibilities. I don't know if I'm capable of that kind of guilt if something were to go really wrong at this point. Gosh, you're a sensitive man. Since my brother died I've lost some emotional depth, but I'm still compelled by right/wrong, obligation, and compassion. The potential crash could really rock me in a bad way. That's another delicate balance I have going.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:37 PM
 
19,059 posts, read 22,818,090 times
Reputation: 13453
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fashion Girl View Post
Hopefully she'll get the welfare...and by that I mean that is what it is supposed to be for...people who experience a temporary severe life set-back...But unfortunately what was meant to be a temporary safety net has turned into a life-style for many

The welfare will probably give her shelter and food stamps and some small amount of money and hopefully she can get that job and you won't have to have her come to live with the two of you....your paying for her physical is extremely kind on your part due to your not like swimming in money.....

The welfare is the big key here I feel and I now feel better that things will work out....she needs to get off the couch and follow through with all interviews with welfare....

When I was a young teen a just married couple bought the house next to ours...had two kids one after the other..then the husband started doing drugs...it got bad...fired from his job...he didn't care...one day he got up and left her and the kids.....never to be heard from again.

She was forced to apply for welfare...received it and that kept the roof over their heads and helped provide food....she then found a job...then went to night school....found out she like business....went to a real estate license class...got her license....today she is a multi-million dollar producer......and she says if she never had that temporary assistance from welfare after her husband left her and the kids she never would be where she is today..

So please insist on your friend following up on welfare.....but I sure hope she doesn't use it like a life-style....you know what I mean...

Once again, best of luck with this very sticky situation.
Wow, what a heart warming story. I have been telling her for awhile to consider welfare. I am glad she finally took the step. I'm thinking I should probably have an honest conversation with her. One she won't like, and maybe not until she has her bearings, but soon.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:41 PM
 
19,059 posts, read 22,818,090 times
Reputation: 13453
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonfly8 View Post
Is she covered by Medicaid? She could have the bariatric surgery to help with the obesity.

I have an image of you and your dh working to get the basement ready, making special meals for her, being intentional in planning your activities to include and involve her because you care about her. With her BMI, she may not feel like getting off the sofa.

She has to feel the need and have the desire to change/improve. If not, she will drain every bit of energy you have.
She doesn't currently receive any form of aid. She did get money for her newest cert. Her BMI is no doubt playing into the cycle. She's always been a bigger girl (maybe 150lbs when she was 20), but having the kids was the beginning of the end weight wise.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:41 PM
 
1,592 posts, read 3,094,163 times
Reputation: 2146
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn View Post
As far as my dh goes, sure, it will affect him, his life, his day-to-day. It would be a big sacrifice. With that said, as privileged people, and in my mind a safe a home, my dog laying under the blanket next to me, the great food, the health insurance, the freedom we have to live comfortably should only compel us to share. A bit of sacrifice for others should be ok.

For the second part of your post, I would love that. But, we live so far from each other. My gym membership is only $10/mo. I could swing that for her. When I cook, I always cook enough for left overs. And I cook great food. There's a bus stop two blocks from my house. She would not have access to our cars.

The biggest issue would be to separate our space. She's loud and a bit of yapper. My dh and I have a relatively quiet home.
Well, it sounds like you will not be swayed. Just do this -- Listen to your husband, and when he wants her gone, it is time for her to go. If he is willing to put up with her for a while, great. But don't make this an issue that could affect your marriage, she is your friend and not his. Appreciate his patience and respect when it has run out.
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