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Old 09-12-2011, 11:43 PM
 
Location: Wu Dang Mountain
12,941 posts, read 19,952,718 times
Reputation: 8668

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Normally I look at government assistance the same way I view a trip to the proctologist, but in this case I agree that it's a vitally important first step.

As a BTW - a surgical tech? People in THESE parts would KILL to have that career!

Which brings me to my last point before I fade off to sleep: I rarely say this, but your friend probably WOULD benefit from professional counseling.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:48 PM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
37,516 posts, read 23,547,068 times
Reputation: 53759
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn View Post
Wow, what a heart warming story. I have been telling her for awhile to consider welfare. I am glad she finally took the step. I'm thinking I should probably have an honest conversation with her. One she won't like, and maybe not until she has her bearings, but soon.
If your going to do this... lay down the law. You do not want your household disrupted (you will be her only social contact), you expect her to improve her health, be out by X date...

If she get defensive on any point, expect worse while she's with you.

You are a totally awesome person, make sure she is the same!
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:52 PM
 
Location: SWUS
5,421 posts, read 8,232,530 times
Reputation: 5825
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn View Post
I have a close friend. We've known each other for two decades. She's never had her shyte completely together, but she did have a career of sorts pre-recession. Her job was one of things keeping her together. She did five years at that place, which was so good for her. She has two kids, who she loves, but they live with her ex's parents. I don't think her ex has had a steady job at any point. Either way, she lost her job, car, apartment, everything. She has made a series of mistakes, coupled with the recession, that have left her without a pot to **** in or a window to throw it out of.

She's depressed, extremely obese, which is just getting worse by the day, and is now couching it. She doesn't want to leave the state (Michigan), but it's really tough out there. She needs to work. She needs food, money, etc. She actually got a job a couple of months ago, but failed the physical due to high blood pressure. I have no doubt this is obviously due to the obesity, but she argues it. She's at the point where she has nowhere to go. She has indicated that she would be receptive to coming out here (MA). At this point, once her welcome is worn on that couch, I don't know where she can go. I'm the only main stay in her life.

My husband is not excited about the prospect (he's pissed). Neither am I to be honest. She's a long time friend. I love her. But, as you all know living with someone and being just friends with someone are entirely two different things. When we were kids (late teens/early 20s) I had her live with me. Then she'd go out on her own. Then she'd come back; wash/repeat. She's my girl, but our worldviews usually don't jive. I don't like the way she handles her business, never have, but I typically don't voice a lot of objections because I'm not her mamma and it strains our relationship. She's often not receptive to it any way. My husband says that if she were to come then it would have to be under serious stipulations. I get that and agree with him. I want to help my friend. I'm just at a loss in how to approach this situation.

The first and most important thing is that she needs to lose weight. It's affecting her ability to get a job (BMI>43). It's affecting her self worth. I can feed her and cook healthy vegetarian food for her. I can buy her a gym membership. I can have her stay with me and fix up our crappy in-law apartment (needs a lot of work). I have a long list in my head of what she should do. What she will do is another story. The way I see it- if my husband is going to give up his privacy, which is a huge deal for him (me too), then it should only happen if it's going to result her bettering her life. But! I don't have a magic wand. I'm not a therapist, life coach, etc.

I can't have a person loafing in my house either. I'm so torn.

Help her out, but with stipulations (like your husband said). Tell her that she should be looking to find a job and looking to better herself while she is there.. don't be ashamed to ask for help with cooking and cleaning. If she's gonna stay in the in-law apartment, have her help you fix it up. Do what you can for your friend; if she doesn't change, then it is on her and not on you. As you stated, you are not her mama.

People can only be helped if they want to change and help themselves.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:53 PM
 
19,059 posts, read 22,823,827 times
Reputation: 13453
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1208 View Post
Well, it sounds like you will not be swayed. Just do this -- Listen to your husband, and when he wants her gone, it is time for her to go. If he is willing to put up with her for a while, great. But don't make this an issue that could affect your marriage, she is your friend and not his. Appreciate his patience and respect when it has run out.
Indeed I will. He is my first priority. Although, to be clear, when we bought our house he knew my excitement about what the extra space could mean to those who needed it. He's not a stranger to my inclinations. I'm just like my mother in that regard.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SifuPhil View Post
Normally I look at government assistance the same way I view a trip to the proctologist, but in this case I agree that it's a vitally important first step.
Agreed.

Quote:
As a BTW - a surgical tech? People in THESE parts would KILL to have that career!

Which brings me to my last point before I fade off to sleep: I rarely say this, but your friend probably WOULD benefit from professional counseling.
I know, it's a good career! And even tho she made a host of mistakes during her unemployment, which coincided with her needed divorce, she did manage a first assist cert. All in all, she's in a bad area of the country and she's too big. Both are significant problems.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:56 PM
 
1,592 posts, read 3,095,062 times
Reputation: 2146
well then good. I wish you all the best of luck, it sounds like it could be a really good thing.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:58 PM
 
19,059 posts, read 22,823,827 times
Reputation: 13453
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
If your going to do this... lay down the law. You do not want your household disrupted (you will be her only social contact), you expect her to improve her health, be out by X date...

If she get defensive on any point, expect worse while she's with you.

You are a totally awesome person, make sure she is the same!
Thanks, Mikala. If anything, this thread is helping me put together that email game plan. I will first try to encourage her to maximize welfare. I will then have an honest conversation with her. If the former doesn't work out, then a bit of life stipulations it will be here in bean town.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JordanJP View Post
Help her out, but with stipulations (like your husband said). Tell her that she should be looking to find a job and looking to better herself while she is there.. don't be ashamed to ask for help with cooking and cleaning. If she's gonna stay in the in-law apartment, have her help you fix it up. Do what you can for your friend; if she doesn't change, then it is on her and not on you. As you stated, you are not her mama.

People can only be helped if they want to change and help themselves.
Yea, that's how it has to go if it goes at all.
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Old 09-13-2011, 12:25 AM
 
Location: Southern California
15,085 posts, read 18,389,655 times
Reputation: 10315
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn View Post
What would you do?
Nothing.

[literally - she's not your problem and based on the evidence I can't see why you're still friends]
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Old 09-13-2011, 06:56 AM
 
25,082 posts, read 14,811,471 times
Reputation: 41763
U got let people work their own life out no matter how much u love them. U cannot be their savior. It sounds like the Op thinks the weight is the problem for her friend, but really it is a symptom. I think if the weight bothers the OP so much then she should let her friend figure it out on her own. A fat depressed person who isn't a real go getter is not going to be able to do housework or eat right or exercise. It is the nature of the disease. Moving to MA won't cure it, but medical intervention might help. good luck
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Old 09-13-2011, 07:29 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 81,521,640 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by SifuPhil View Post
I've had years to think this over. The thing is, I did what I thought was the right thing at the time, but it had disastrous consequences. I ask myself what I would do if I could have a do-over.

The answer I've settled with? I would have allowed my student to stay, even if it meant the dissolution of my marriage. A life is far more valuable than a marriage, at least in MY little brain. The guilt I carried for years, versus the heated arguments I had with my wife ... I would take the arguments in a heart-beat.

If only I had thought of that back then ...
I understand you feel guilt considering what happened, Phil, but I can't agree that a stranger's needs and well-being should be put above your wife's and child's needs and well-being. You could've helped her in many ways that didn't involve bringing her home. That was an irrational and hasty "heart" decision. Had she not happened to die (pure coincidence), you would've still thought you made the right decision - because it WAS the right decision.
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Old 09-13-2011, 09:29 AM
 
3,457 posts, read 3,261,712 times
Reputation: 1532
with plenty of stored lipids to burn, she sounds ripe for manual labor. a hefty girl like her oughta be able to split logs for firewood, re-sod the yard, things of that nature.
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