Depressed friend wants to live with me. How can I help her? (wife, talks)
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My mom said the same thing. It's such an effed up position to be in. MA is expensive, tho, I wouldn't ask her for rent. I would expect her to earn her keep via house keeping, yard work, and fixing up the apartment. But, maybe she won't do a damn thing, but loaf. Still, I look at all that I have- a great mom, where she doesn't have one, a great husband, a great job that provides me a home. A home that has an empty, unused basement apartment. In theory I absolutely love the idea of that space being utilized to help someone get back on their feet. But, I know my friend too. Unlike my dh, and unlike me, she's not a worker bee. She doesn't hustle. And she keeps gaining weight. She gets depressed, can only afford crap food, gets bigger, and it keeps getting worse. How can I turn her away? Damn.
Honestly, if the threat of possibly ruining your own life and losing your marriage isn't enough...
The good thing about charity is the good forces of nature will make sure you will be returned the favour not one time but ten.
~ From the Mahabharatha (I delivered that dialogue painted as Krishna in blue, about 15 years ago)
Very sweet quote.
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Originally Posted by SifuPhil
If you truly are her friend, you wouldn't be trying to change her. I understand your logic re: weight related to job, etc. and agree, but that's where it all falls apart. If you and your husband place that many restrictions on her, then none of you will prosper.
Sometimes it's a GOOD thing to refuse a request from a friend, in the name of friendship.
Indeed. I have no doubt it could possibly, most likely, destroy the friendship. I'm not so much worried about that to be honest. At least not on my end. With the restrictions, all would be laid out way in advance. I'm thinking of emailing her a list, give her time to digest and consider it, and then make a decision (vs just calling her a laying it all out there). And you're correct. It would be a matter of trying to change her and that's a recipe for disaster, but I can see no other way if she comes here. Another aspect here is that she has mentioned self harm in the past. She's at the end of her rope.
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Originally Posted by spinx
I would consider what it will do to your marriage above anything else. From what I remember, you two are also trying to conceive and having a visitor could create issues with that (lack of privacy, stress, etc.).
Be her friend, not her mother.
My mother mentioned that as well. Trust me, I don't want to mother her. If she's under my roof, tho, I don't see a way around it. Well, not yet. That's one of the reasons I'm here with the issue.
It sounds to me as if this will be the most likely outcome.
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A home that has an empty, unused basement apartment. In theory I absolutely love the idea of that space being utilized to help someone get back on their feet.
But you said it wasn't done, so it's not like she could move into it immediately...
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But, I know my friend too. Unlike my dh, and unlike me, she's not a worker bee.
Well, that's the writing on the wall...
I don't know why you feel so bad about it. You said:
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She has indicated that she would be receptive to coming out here (MA).
"Out there" doesn't mean in your house...
Even if you try to set some boundaries and time limits, you know in your heart this arrangement will not work out... Eventually, you'll wonder how to get rid of her and the friendship will be over for sure. I know the employment opportunities in MI are even worse than in other states, but MA is not a place for such a person at all! She'll probably do better in some lower-cost place where you can survive on minimum wage.
BUT, she's given up on helping herself. You cannot fill in for that.
You have more plans for her, than she seems to have for herself.
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Originally Posted by Fashion Girl
I think your very last sentence will answer your own question.
also
You can't help her help herself....she needs to do that or at least try to do that before anyone else can help her.
I would be torn too though so I just hope things work out...for you and for her ( and for your husband )
I've been saying the same to myself...leading a horse to water and all.
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Originally Posted by 1208
Don't make your husband have this person move in with you.
People will only change when they want to. I have tried, believe me, to help people with everything I can. Ultimately, it is up to them, if not they will squander anything you send their way. If she genuinely wants help, do what you can for her. Go to the gym with her, sympathize, etc. But don't put her problems on your shoulder. They are her problems, not yours.
As far as my dh goes, sure, it will affect him, his life, his day-to-day. It would be a big sacrifice. With that said, as privileged people, and in my mind a safe a home, my dog laying under the blanket next to me, the great food, the health insurance, the freedom we have to live comfortably should only compel us to share. A bit of sacrifice for others should be ok.
For the second part of your post, I would love that. But, we live so far from each other. My gym membership is only $10/mo. I could swing that for her. When I cook, I always cook enough for left overs. And I cook great food. There's a bus stop two blocks from my house. She would not have access to our cars.
The biggest issue would be to separate our space. She's loud and a bit of yapper. My dh and I have a relatively quiet home.
Honestly, if the threat of possibly ruining your own life and losing your marriage isn't enough...
Clearly, my dh would have to be fully on board with the compassion. It's not necessarily his nature, but he has leanings. I wouldn't do it if he flat out said no. I would hope our marriage is strong enough to survive this kind of thing. Frankly, after my twin's death, all the crap that came with that, I saw that my dh is such an amazing rock.
I'm thinking of emailing her a list, give her time to digest and consider it, and then make a decision (vs just calling her a laying it all out there)
Being so torn over this I feel the emailing the list is a smart thing to do.....I would consider adding to the list.."Must seek therapy" or something like that.
It's called tough love. Never easy to give or to get, but sometimes necessary.
But, what would that mean? Self harm? A homeless shelter?
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Originally Posted by sierraAZ
It sounds to me as if this will be the most likely outcome.
Yes, that is the most reasonable outcome. I have to be real with myself there.
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But you said it wasn't done, so it's not like she could move into it immediately...
It's pretty gross, but folk were living down there when we bought the place. She could camp it in the den for a week or so, and then be able to inhabit it. Fortunately, it's a walk out. The room by the walkout door is ok. A good scrubbing and it's ok to go.
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Well, that's the writing on the wall...
I don't know why you feel so bad about it. You said:
"Out there" doesn't mean in your house...
Even if you try to set some boundaries and time limits, you know in your heart this arrangement will not work out... Eventually, you'll wonder how to get rid of her and the friendship will be over for sure. I know the employment opportunities in MI are even worse than in other states, but MA is not a place for such a person at all! She'll probably do better in some lower-cost place where you can survive on minimum wage.
I thought it might be better here because she's a certified surgical tech and just got her first assistant cert. These are OR certs and MA probably has more medical centers and hospitals than any where in the US. Still, she's too big. She needs to lose weight first.
Indeed. I have no doubt it could possibly, most likely, destroy the friendship. I'm not so much worried about that to be honest. At least not on my end. With the restrictions, all would be laid out way in advance. I'm thinking of emailing her a list, give her time to digest and consider it, and then make a decision (vs just calling her a laying it all out there). And you're correct. It would be a matter of trying to change her and that's a recipe for disaster, but I can see no other way if she comes here. Another aspect here is that she has mentioned self harm in the past. She's at the end of her rope.
The eternal struggle between the rational mind and the emotional heart.
I think in the end the instinct of self-preservation takes over. It almost seems like you're trying to do an intervention here, and that's scary ground - you can lose a lot of yourself when you attempt to rescue others from themselves. It's like rescuing a drowning person - unless you're trained and experienced in the techniques, you can end up at the bottom of the ocean too.
But obviously the friendship is strong, and in a perverse way that complicates matters. If you didn't care so much you could just say "go to hell" and be done with it. By caring, you're dropping your defenses and opening yourself up to emotional injury. Unless you know how to psychically protect yourself in a situation like that, to dissociate yourself from the situation, there will be THREE of you going down instead of just one.
"The needs of the many ... "
Just a small hint that might prove useful if you decide to go ahead and accept her into your home - charge rent. It doesn't have to be fair-market value, but it needs to be enough that she'll be shamed into finding a way to pay it. Her downward slide might even be reversed by such a tactic, and you might want to consider including it in your emailed conditions to her.
I wish you luck - I've been in similar situations with both successful and disastrous results.
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