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Old 09-12-2011, 09:53 PM
 
19,059 posts, read 22,695,153 times
Reputation: 13453

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I have a close friend. We've known each other for two decades. She's never had her shyte completely together, but she did have a career of sorts pre-recession. Her job was one of things keeping her together. She did five years at that place, which was so good for her. She has two kids, who she loves, but they live with her ex's parents. I don't think her ex has had a steady job at any point. Either way, she lost her job, car, apartment, everything. She has made a series of mistakes, coupled with the recession, that have left her without a pot to **** in or a window to throw it out of.

She's depressed, extremely obese, which is just getting worse by the day, and is now couching it. She doesn't want to leave the state (Michigan), but it's really tough out there. She needs to work. She needs food, money, etc. She actually got a job a couple of months ago, but failed the physical due to high blood pressure. I have no doubt this is obviously due to the obesity, but she argues it. She's at the point where she has nowhere to go. She has indicated that she would be receptive to coming out here (MA). At this point, once her welcome is worn on that couch, I don't know where she can go. I'm the only main stay in her life.

My husband is not excited about the prospect (he's pissed). Neither am I to be honest. She's a long time friend. I love her. But, as you all know living with someone and being just friends with someone are entirely two different things. When we were kids (late teens/early 20s) I had her live with me. Then she'd go out on her own. Then she'd come back; wash/repeat. She's my girl, but our worldviews usually don't jive. I don't like the way she handles her business, never have, but I typically don't voice a lot of objections because I'm not her mamma and it strains our relationship. She's often not receptive to it any way. My husband says that if she were to come then it would have to be under serious stipulations. I get that and agree with him. I want to help my friend. I'm just at a loss in how to approach this situation.

The first and most important thing is that she needs to lose weight. It's affecting her ability to get a job (BMI>43). It's affecting her self worth. I can feed her and cook healthy vegetarian food for her. I can buy her a gym membership. I can have her stay with me and fix up our crappy in-law apartment (needs a lot of work). I have a long list in my head of what she should do. What she will do is another story. The way I see it- if my husband is going to give up his privacy, which is a huge deal for him (me too), then it should only happen if it's going to result her bettering her life. But! I don't have a magic wand. I'm not a therapist, life coach, etc.

I can't have a person loafing in my house either. I'm so torn.
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:05 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,020 posts, read 26,507,112 times
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The good thing about charity is the good forces of nature will make sure you will be returned the favour not one time but ten.

~ From the Mahabharatha (I delivered that dialogue painted as Krishna in blue, about 15 years ago)
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:08 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 81,165,390 times
Reputation: 22814
I think you'll make a huge mistake if you go through with this. It may even cost you your marriage.

She is obviously not marketable, MA is expensive, this will go on forever, she won't change, and your husband will be furious and so will you.
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:14 PM
 
Location: Wu Dang Mountain
12,941 posts, read 19,869,778 times
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If you truly are her friend, you wouldn't be trying to change her. I understand your logic re: weight related to job, etc. and agree, but that's where it all falls apart. If you and your husband place that many restrictions on her, then none of you will prosper.

Sometimes it's a GOOD thing to refuse a request from a friend, in the name of friendship.
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:16 PM
 
11,818 posts, read 15,074,969 times
Reputation: 19797
I would consider what it will do to your marriage above anything else. From what I remember, you two are also trying to conceive and having a visitor could create issues with that (lack of privacy, stress, etc.).

Be her friend, not her mother.
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:17 PM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
36,684 posts, read 23,005,715 times
Reputation: 52459
I'm sorry, I know you're a kind person....

BUT, she's given up on helping herself. You cannot fill in for that.

You have more plans for her, than she seems to have for herself.
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:18 PM
 
257 posts, read 537,853 times
Reputation: 382
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn View Post

I can't have a person loafing in my house either.
I think your very last sentence will answer your own question.

also

You can't help her help herself....she needs to do that or at least try to do that before anyone else can help her.

I would be torn too though so I just hope things work out...for you and for her ( and for your husband )
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:19 PM
 
1,592 posts, read 3,072,317 times
Reputation: 2146
Don't make your husband have this person move in with you.

People will only change when they want to. I have tried, believe me, to help people with everything I can. Ultimately, it is up to them, if not they will squander anything you send their way. If she genuinely wants help, do what you can for her. Go to the gym with her, sympathize, etc. But don't put her problems on your shoulder. They are her problems, not yours.
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:21 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 81,165,390 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
You have more plans for her, than she seems to have for herself.
Great point!
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:21 PM
 
19,059 posts, read 22,695,153 times
Reputation: 13453
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
I think you'll make a huge mistake if you go through with this. It may even cost you your marriage.

She is obviously not marketable, MA is expensive, this will go on forever, she won't change, and your husband will be furious and so will you.
My mom said the same thing. It's such an effed up position to be in. MA is expensive, tho, I wouldn't ask her for rent. I would expect her to earn her keep via house keeping, yard work, and fixing up the apartment. But, maybe she won't do a damn thing, but loaf. Still, I look at all that I have- a great mom, where she doesn't have one, a great husband, a great job that provides me a home. A home that has an empty, unused basement apartment. In theory I absolutely love the idea of that space being utilized to help someone get back on their feet. But, I know my friend too. Unlike my dh, and unlike me, she's not a worker bee. She doesn't hustle. And she keeps gaining weight. She gets depressed, can only afford crap food, gets bigger, and it keeps getting worse. How can I turn her away? Damn.
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