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How would you feel if you found out that someone you were close to was in contact with someone who hurt you? I don't mean someone who said something mean or even cheated on you. I'm talking someone who contributed to severe emotional and physical, life-altering harm. I won't go into detail but it was hell.
The person I am referring to is my ex, my son's father. I mentioned, in previous posts, that I already eliminated one sister. She actually contacted him to purposely put a wedge between me and my son, but she betrayed me in other ways before that happened, so she was already on the curb.
I have another sister I am very close to. I just found out she is in contact with him as well. I am trying to maintain an open mind as I know she is not doing this to hurt me. She has very loose boundaries of her own, so she puts up with what a lot of what most people won't. Still, I can't help but feel angry about it. If anyone had done 1/10th to her what he did to me, I'd have a hard time not committing a felony. I sure as heck would not be Facebooking with him.
We also, recently, had a huge fall-out over her unloading on me with years of pent-up anger over things she was told and chose to believe without even discussing it with me. I set the record straight, she apologized, but that really did a number on our relationship on my end. I have never turned my back on her, have always been there for her, never betrayed her, yet it is so easy for her to be swayed by an outsider or people who are notorious for troublemaking, family or not.
I am getting really close to pulling away from her. I feel as though I can't keep certain people out of my space because my family continues to enable them, let them back in and show them zero consequence. It is through my son or using him as the excuse that my other sister and this man have caused me grief. Now, my youngest sister is in touch with him.
I can't rationalize it. He was never a real father to my son, so he was never around. When he was, he was a negative and damaging presence. My brother and sisters were teens when they saw him last, until about 3 years ago. They are 30 and 31 now. Add to that what he did to me and I just can't help but be incensed. I feel dismissed, like none of what happened ever actually happened.
My father's dead. My mother won't stay in contact with either side of the family, and hasn't for years.
But that has nothing to do with ME. There's no reason I shouldn't be able to remain in contact with them, other than the fact that for most of my life she held the means of contact close, and refused to share it with anyone. Now we have Facebook, and I'm starting to reconnect with people. It would be nice if she could just see how carthartic letting the past go can be. But I guess she'll just always be bitter.
I would gather the now-adult family and explain to them in no uncertain terms exactly what he did. I would also explain that I consider having a friendship with this person as traitorous and like I don't matter. Then I would ask them who is more important to them, me or him, and I would make them chose. And if they choose him, bye-bye, nice knowing you. If they choose you, let them know that means they are ending communication/friendships with him and they don't they have chosen him and again bye-bye nice knowing you.
I'm sorry. I don't really have any advice for you. I know my uncle and grandma are...sympathetic...to my ex-stepdad. I don't know why they would put a friendship which consist of pretty much nothing more than drinking together, ahead of my mom and myself, but...yeah, it hurts, but I don't know what to do. When my uncle said something out of line, my husband went off on him. I guess I appreciated it, but it isn't going to change what they think... I know what it's like and I wish you luck. Sorry.
I would gather the now-adult family and explain to them in no uncertain terms exactly what he did. I would also explain that I consider having a friendship with this person as traitorous and like I don't matter. Then I would ask them who is more important to them, me or him, and I would make them chose. And if they choose him, bye-bye, nice knowing you. If they choose you, let them know that means they are ending communication/friendships with him and they don't they have chosen him and again bye-bye nice knowing you.
But what if you know what they'll say? that he isn't asking them to chose. and what if you aren't willing to lose a relationship with them or thier kids?
We often expect more from our family than we would someone who isn't blood related, simply because they are family. It's easy to forget that they are faulted just like anyone else. It sounds as though your siblings aren't as close as you suspected or hoped. You seem to be the one who perhaps feels more for them than they do for you. You're the older one, so you were probably more protective of them than they are of you.
Are they aware of the extend to which this person abused you? Maybe if they understood the severity and just how strong you feel about their contact with him, they'd come around to your way of thinking. Well probably not the first sister, but this one perhaps.
But what if you know what they'll say? that he isn't asking them to chose. and what if you aren't willing to lose a relationship with them or thier kids?
That works both ways: are they willing to lose me and the relationship with my child? If I made that request I would be fully prepared for them to chose him and not have them in my life.
It seems you come from a real f-ed up family. Its probably why you are involved in the work you are and why you got involved with that s-head in the first place. Funny thing about dumping toxic people out of your life...Its kinda like cleaning house...You get rid of a nasty couch and then you notice the nasty end table that was right beside it. You did not even see the table before because you are so focused on the nasty couch. Yeh..you may have notice it needed to go..but not as much as that couch.
But also in your life, you have to look at yourself and if all of it is making you pick unhealthy options. Like how you got really upset over the ugly soup incident. It should not of been that big of a deal to you. It was just a casual rude. It should of not stuck with you.
What are the reasons they have for contacting him? That is what I would like to know. And REALLY listen to the voice and watch the face when they tell you why.
I have a similar situation to this. My mother is in occasional contact with her exhusband who was a total ******* and put my mom, brother, and I through hell for about 15 years. She knows exactly what he did to us and that he has not changed. Yet she will still take his phone calls.
I get mad at her, yes. I think she's stupid (yes, STUPID) for talking to him, yeah.
But, you know what, that's her decision. She's old enough to know what she's getting into. I really don't think it has anything to do with me or my brother - or trying to hurt us.
The world does not revolve around you (or me, in my case) and I think it's important to look at it that way. It's not about you. They are not dragging you into the middle of their relationship, are they? If not, then just make it clear to her that you will not discuss him or have anything to do with him.
You are still letting him have control over your life by taking away your family (when you exile them for talking to him). You may not think of it that way, but that is exactly what is happening. Don't let him win.
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