Paternalistic and Maternalistic Elders.... (father, siblings, male, person)
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I've recently become familiar with the word 'paternalistic' as it relates to politics and government. When I think about the implication of this word, it brings to mind relational experience with elders - who are not my parents - and how they approach and interact with me. What the word implies to me is basically 'fatherly' - an elder who recognizes a significant difference in age and life experience in regard to their interaction and relationship with me. It's not a bad word or necessarily negative, but I've noticed some dictionaries seem to almost frame it as such (bias?). It works the same way with women.
I should mention that I'm 26, male, probably appear younger than I am, and am drawing on experience going back many years when thinking about this. I think that I actually like when elders come at me in the described fashion. I respect them for it. It can be helpful when somebody with more life experience and wisdom than yourself gives you advice, shows you the way, or even takes you under their wing.
Does what I've said say something about me (postive or negative)? Is this just normal? Why might some elders take this approach and others not?
Not to answer my own questions, but I wonder if maybe what I've described is a cultural thing. Perhaps 'paternalistic' and 'maternalistic' elders as I've described are more of a Southern feature than elsewhere?
One thing I do think might be true for sure is that what I've described was much more common in the past. If it was much more common in the past, why is that?
Anyway, to other young people, do you recognize different ways your elders approach you? Do you favor or dislike the style I've described? And older people, do you conciously recognize how you approach and deal with people much younger than yourself?
.... Why might some elders take this approach and others not?...
My answer to that one question, as a seventy-four year old guy, I would say that married people who have raised children seem to very often take the paternalistic/maternalistic role when approaching young people. (I am not, by the way criticizing it.)
Older people who have never married, in my experience, more often approach younger people in a manner that is closer to that of a peer. I think this may be because the unmarried person has often been in a co-worker situation with younger persons, but never in a parental role; therefore, when they are older this is still their approach to some degree.
I'm 27. Despite the fact that I am definitely a younger person...I work with a lot of high school girls who I try to speak to in a sort of paternalistic fashion (maybe)...not talking down to or patronizing them, but trying to be a kind of guiding fatherly figure who is glad to assist when necessary. They seem to appreciate it.
Some genuinely older people (older than say, sixty-five) seem to be better at getting along with younger people than some younger people are...but this probably depends on the environment.
When I was young I enjoyed spending time with adults. (My aunts and uncles and grandparents, my friend's parents, my parents' friends etc.)...I still have friends of all ages today. (I'm 63 now.)...I don't want to come across as "superior" just because I'm older now. And I don't want to act like a "know-it-all." (Because this is a big "turn-off.")...I may be "up in age" but I'm still a fallible human being! (And I'm subject to make mistakes just like everyone else.)...Every now and then I run into women (or men) who were probably the oldest sibling in their family. They view themselves as an "authority figure" and "parent" to everyone at times..People like this don't have any qualms about handing out "unsollicited advice." In their minds they "know best" for everyone..I try to avoid people like this when possible because I prefer to be on "equal footing" with friends and family members. I don't want to play "one-up" or "one-down" games in my relationships...I don't need another "mom" or "dad" and I don't want to play "mom" to the world either. Or "matriarch" of my family etc...I may encourage people to question things at times. (Versus being a "follower.") But I try not to come on "too strong" and I "back-off" when need be. (And keep my opinions to myself!)
Paternalistic and fatherly are two different things.
A person acting paternalistic assumes you cannot take care of yourself, you don't know what you're doing, you'll wind up on some disaster without assistance, etc.
A person acting fatherly (or motherly) is sharing opinions based upon the accumulated knowledge of his/her experiences. If shared properly, the person sharing that knowledge will leave it at that and let the younger person make up his/her own mind.
paternalism and maternalism can be good things.....though personally I find the management of others affairs (as if they were children...your own, or not) to be demeaning to the fact that I am an adult with a mind of my own...I've never been a fan of patriarchy, which seems to be the end result of most paternalism.....now matriarchy is something that I think could make the world a better place.......I think "elders", especially those who've raised children of their own would find it hard not to be a tad paternalistic, or maternalistic...but it's only because as mothers and fathers we only want (what we feel) is best for our young friends....When I interact with my young friends, I do it as a peer...any advice or opinions on their life issues is only given when asked for, as sometimes happens when a young friend is aware and appreciative of the fact that I have more life experiences....but then there are also times when I need their help, and advice...for they live in more modern times...and I find are more understanding of modern technologies...plus sometimes it's just nice to hear anothers opinions or advice no matter what their age............I believe the word "elder" denotes respect, and I use it in that context.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohiogirl81
Paternalistic and fatherly are two different things.
A person acting paternalistic assumes you cannot take care of yourself, you don't know what you're doing, you'll wind up on some disaster without assistance, etc.
A person acting fatherly (or motherly) is sharing opinions based upon the accumulated knowledge of his/her experiences. If shared properly, the person sharing that knowledge will leave it at that and let the younger person make up his/her own mind.
I agree. I always appreciate knowledge that is handed down, not a lecture as in 'you should do this or that', stories and anecdotes are usually the best way to get a point across.
A young person who is wise will take whatever is useful from this helpful advice.
I wonder if people like me are more sensitive about being "talked down to" as I am the youngest of five siblings. If I think someone is patronizing me, it really rubs me the wrong way. Some older people (I'm 41, so they are fewer every year, lol!) are good at NOT coming off as all-knowing and superior. They usually have the best advice too. My oldest sister is still my most valued mentor.
One of my pet peeves is that I cannot share info with my MIL without her assuming that I am asking for advice.
I also think in the age of the internet, younger people rely on the wisdom of their elders less and less. Got a weird rash on your foot? Don't go to Uncle Joe, go to Web MD. Have a bad experience with your boss? Don't ask Mom for advice, go to City Data! Lol!
Paternalistic and fatherly are two different things.
A person acting paternalistic assumes you cannot take care of yourself, you don't know what you're doing, you'll wind up on some disaster without assistance, etc.
A person acting fatherly (or motherly) is sharing opinions based upon the accumulated knowledge of his/her experiences. If shared properly, the person sharing that knowledge will leave it at that and let the younger person make up his/her own mind.
I looked up the definition for 'paternalistic' specifically, but also looked up 'paternal'. For the sake of this thread, let's go more with a combination of the two. For whatever reason, many definitions of the former take a negative spin - I guess because some who can be described as such are like you described. The simplest definition and one I agree with most is 'benevolent, but sometimes intrusive'. Anybody can be tyrannical, but I don't think an elder person being paternalistic or maternalistic necessarily equals tyranny, but I acknowledge some of my elders who take on such a style can be a bit intrusive - and in such a way that's become less okay with young people over time.
I wonder if people like me are more sensitive about being "talked down to" as I am the youngest of five siblings. If I think someone is patronizing me, it really rubs me the wrong way. Some older people (I'm 41, so they are fewer every year, lol!) are good at NOT coming off as all-knowing and superior. They usually have the best advice too. My oldest sister is still my most valued mentor.
One of my pet peeves is that I cannot share info with my MIL without her assuming that I am asking for advice.
I also think in the age of the internet, younger people rely on the wisdom of their elders less and less. Got a weird rash on your foot? Don't go to Uncle Joe, go to Web MD. Have a bad experience with your boss? Don't ask Mom for advice, go to City Data! Lol!
Besides technology and instant information being the reason for less reliance on elders, I think smaller families and less family values is to blame too. Further, I think in recent decades as more and more kids have gone off to college amongst themselves and gaining a sort of independence has something to do with it too. Going off to college, away from one's home community, sort of severes the need or desire to look to one's elders since you have your peers. Plus, some may look up to their professors a great deal and how can elders who are layman compare? Perhaps there's truth to professors having a strong collective influence on students, such as many people claim to be the case in regard to politics.
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