Wife/Father in law issue (person, children, divorced, alcoholic)
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First, a little backstory. My in-laws were big chain smokers for many years. My wife and I are and have never smoked. Three years ago before we had our first daughter, they decided to quit smoking and promised to stop altogether and there was no issues until now..
On Memorial Day, me, my wife, and my two young daughters were at my in-laws house for a cookout. We were all playing in the pool. My oldest daughter, who is 3 years old, was calling out to my father in law because she wanted to play with him in the pool. No one could find my father in law as he disappeared from the backyard. After a few minutes, my wife went to go look for him. It turned out she caught him smoking at the next door neighbors house with some 18 year old friend of neighbors. According to my wife, my father in law panicked when she saw her coming and quickly threw the cigarette on the ground. When my wife asked what he was doing he said "nothing" and told the neighbor's friend that he would "see him later". My wife saw the cigarette on the ground and confronted him about it and he told her to, "go away and shut up". So he was off doing some secret smoking while his granddaughter was calling for him and he got caught and didn't like it. Note that the relationship between my wife and FIL has been pretty decent the past few years, but it has been strained in the past. Details are later on in the post.
Basically, my wife and FIL haven't talked since Memorial Day. She wants an apology but he feels like he shouldn't have to apologize and she overreacted. IMO, I don't think she overreacted. The day before, our four month old daughter was in the Emergency Room with a bad ear infection. It was a hard day for us so I'm sure my wife's nerves were already stretched thin. My MIL says he feels bad about him and that he was having a bad day, thus the need for a smoke. But we had been there for two hours before this incident and it sure didn't seem like he was having a bad day. My MIL didn't seem like it was a big deal which is odd since she apparently didn't know (or care) he was doing this behind her back and she is the type to usually find out things and confront them at the get go. My wife talked to a family friend who smoked heavily for many years and decided to quit for health reasons. She was appalled that my FIL would do such a thing.
This behavior from my FIL isn't too surprising to me, unfortunately. He cheated on my MIL about 12 years ago and they almost divorced (My MIL caught him and he lied about it at first). Around that same time, he spied on my wife and MIL by installing keyloggers on their computers and installing microphones in the ceiling of their basement. He also lost a longtime job he had due to him snooping around too much at work. He has told my wife countless times that he "wished I could have been around more" when she was growing up (she is an only child) and he didn't want turn into HIS father who was an alcoholic chain smoker who was never around his family. He has started many home improvement projects around his house and has never finished them. He has offered to help us with things at our house, but it never happens. We bring it up and he says, "You can do it". That is fine if you think that way, but don't offer to help us and we handle different things and then we are left hanging!
My wife doesn't want an apology that he was smoking, but that he lied about it and broke his promise. What if he starts smoking more frequently and what if it is around our daughters? I have known him nine years. He has been fine to me personally, but I know he has hurt my wife. It ticks me off that he has hurt my wife, breaks promises, selfish, and doesn't learn from his mistakes and is becoming like the person he doesn't want to be. This whole thing feels like a black cloud over our family and I just wish it was gone.
I know, he isn't smoking around the kids so why get upset? Yes, he isn't doing it by the kids but it is the principle of the matter. If someone was a big alcohol drinker, had a drink at home with a friend after being dry for three years, should they get a pass because they weren't around anyone at that moment and hiding it from their family? What if that one taste of alcohol leads them back down the path and soon they are behind the wheel or in charge of children and no one knows what is up? I know cigarette wouldn't impair judgement, but what if our kids smell like smoke when we pick them up from the grandparents house and our toddler is asking what her grandfather was doing?
Maybe I am exaggerating, I don't know. Sorry for the vent. I am just looking for some thoughts. Thank you.
The kids can be affected since they are so young with immature lungs by the smoke products that cling to his clothes, his skin/hair, and the inside of the house.
I would not let them visit over there unless you are around to do the sniff test.
I think you're TOTALLY exaggerating....I mean..really...he wasn't any where near your kid, and he IS an adult...at least he stepped away to indulge...and boo hoo if the kids smell it....
I quit smoking 9 years ago. I know what it's like to be addicted - and your FIL has a serious addiction. Your wife should not have confronted her father - he was taking care of his addiction far enough away from your children, and her, that it would not have affected your children. What your wife did was not her place to do - this is her father and she is not his parent, nor jailer. She has no right to tell him what he can or cannot do when it is not affecting her or her children. I really think she was out of line.
She can let things go or continue on the way things are and she can watch her father die from emphysema or worse. Carrying this beyond the initial finding him smoking is only going to make his addiction stronger, not support him if he is willing to try quitting again.
As somebody who can't stand smokers and begged my mother every day to quit until her passing, I think your wife is over reacting. In reality, he is an adult and her parent. He does not have to answer to her. As long as he wasn't smoking in your daughters face, get over it. You were at their house as a guest. If this was your house and he was smoking in the bathroom- then yea have a fit and get him out.
You seem to be rolling a lot of your FIL's character flaws into that one incident, when anyone who has been a smoker can have a lapse. It seems that past transgressions reemerged with this issue - does that really need to happen? I'd suggest family counseling if his sneaking off for a smoke and getting caught brings up those bad memories.
Quote:
So he was off doing some secret smoking while his granddaughter was calling for him and he got caught and didn't like it.
OK, that raised a flag. I hope you and your wife don't foster an entitlement attitude with your child. Just because she is calling for someone doesn't mean that anyone should go off looking for them to be fetched back to her. A simple "Gramps is busy, I'm sure he'll be back soon" should suffice.
Your wife put her father in a defensive position. I would suggest trying to bring everything back to neutral ground. Giving up smoking is difficult (especially since you said they were heavy smokers in the past) and lapses will happen. Acknowledge that it was a disappointing episode, and your wife needs to own up to being excessively shrill. Add that it is hoped that your FIL will get back on track. Don't be accusatory, but firmly state that you do not want your daughter exposed to second hand smoke. Emphasize that you also want your FIL to be around - in a healthy state - so that his granddaughter will have many years of his presence. She seems to be very attached to him, so whenever he feels like lighting up, tell him to remind himself that there is a small child who loves him. Does he want to put her through seeing him fall ill and die before he ever gets to see any of the major events of her life?
You seem to be rolling a lot of your FIL's character flaws into that one incident, when anyone who has been a smoker can have a lapse. It seems that past transgressions reemerged with this issue - does that really need to happen? I'd suggest family counseling if his sneaking off for a smoke and getting caught brings up those bad memories.
OK, that raised a flag. I hope you and your wife don't foster an entitlement attitude with your child. Just because she is calling for someone doesn't mean that anyone should go off looking for them to be fetched back to her. A simple "Gramps is busy, I'm sure he'll be back soon" should suffice.
Your wife put her father in a defensive position. I would suggest trying to bring everything back to neutral ground. Giving up smoking is difficult (especially since you said they were heavy smokers in the past) and lapses will happen. Acknowledge that it was a disappointing episode, and your wife needs to own up to being excessively shrill. Add that it is hoped that your FIL will get back on track. Don't be accusatory, but firmly state that you do not want your daughter exposed to second hand smoke. Emphasize that you also want your FIL to be around - in a healthy state - so that his granddaughter will have many years of his presence. She seems to be very attached to him, so whenever he feels like lighting up, tell him to remind himself that there is a small child who loves him. Does he want to put her through seeing him fall ill and die before he ever gets to see any of the major events of her life?
Post of the day!
I agree, this is such a non-issue. OP, you really need to get a few genuine problems instead of creating them.
I agree, this is such a non-issue. OP, you really need to get a few genuine problems instead of creating them.
It gets pretty lonely on the moral high ground...
Totally agree with this.
Quote:
My wife doesn't want an apology that he was smoking, but that he lied about it and broke his promise.
Your wife needs to calm down. Your father isn't her child and does not answer to her.
I am very anti-smoking around children MYSELF, but even I think you and your wife are overreacting. He didn't smoke around your child and you two need to climb off your high horse.......JMHO.
He "broke a promise"? Sounds to me like your wife is still under the impression she's still "daddy's little girl." Tell her to get over it, grow up and realize that dad is his own man in his own house. And poor widdle baby had to wait for grampa for more than a few seconds? Well guess what, the baby is important, but NOT the central figure in his life. Your wife needs to lay off.
I'm sorry, but your FIL has the right to do as he pleases and he doesn't have to answer to his daughter.
He wasn't smoking around your kids or you or your wife. He had a slip, give the guy a break.
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