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Without going into tedious details, I have a brother who is 12 years younger than me. We are not super close because a. We have different fathers, b. Our mom was a drug addicted, aggravated felon who was deported back in 2002 and never in the picture and c. We never really lived in the same household other than for a few years after he was born.
After our mom was deported, I was put in a foster home and he went to stay with his dad. Eventually I moved across the country for school and left that life behind in hopes of finding something better for myself. Unfortunately, my brother's dad died a few years ago at which point HE ended up in the foster care system. The family he was placed with eventually adopted him and he lives there to this day.
Anyway, my brother is coming out to visit me in a week. His adoptive family is at their wits end because he's going through a lot of emotional stuff. He just flunked 9th grade, he is threatening to seek emancipation, and they just found out he has been smoking (which probably means he's doing a lot more than just smoking). I know that a lot of this is because he's going through puberty, but he has been through a LOT and I know his mind is messed up to a certain extent.
My question is, when he comes here, how do I talk to him about that stuff? I don't want to start nagging and yelling because I want him to feel comfortable being open with me, but at the same time I'm so upset that this is the path my brother is taking in life. Even looking at his facebook, it makes me cringe because I know he is so smart and he is just headed down the wrong path. It really, really freaks me out to see my once bubbly, loveable baby brother turning into this cold, lazy, angry person. I feel immense pressure to make this situation right because I am the ONLY blood relative he knows.
Without going into tedious details, I have a brother who is 12 years younger than me. We are not super close because a. We have different fathers, b. Our mom was a drug addicted, aggravated felon who was deported back in 2002 and never in the picture and c. We never really lived in the same household other than for a few years after he was born.
After our mom was deported, I was put in a foster home and he went to stay with his dad. Eventually I moved across the country for school and left that life behind in hopes of finding something better for myself. Unfortunately, my brother's dad died a few years ago at which point HE ended up in the foster care system. The family he was placed with eventually adopted him and he lives there to this day.
Anyway, my brother is coming out to visit me in a week. His adoptive family is at their wits end because he's going through a lot of emotional stuff. He just flunked 9th grade, he is threatening to seek emancipation, and they just found out he has been smoking (which probably means he's doing a lot more than just smoking). I know that a lot of this is because he's going through puberty, but he has been through a LOT and I know his mind is messed up to a certain extent.
My question is, when he comes here, how do I talk to him about that stuff? I don't want to start nagging and yelling because I want him to feel comfortable being open with me, but at the same time I'm so upset that this is the path my brother is taking in life. Even looking at his facebook, it makes me cringe because I know he is so smart and he is just headed down the wrong path. It really, really freaks me out to see my once bubbly, loveable baby brother turning into this cold, lazy, angry person. I feel immense pressure to make this situation right because I am the ONLY blood relative he knows.
How do you get through to troubled teens?
The best you can do at this point is lead by example. Show him what life is like when you make the right choices. Listen to him and try and figure out what is going on with him to make him choose this path. Don't preach to him because that will only shut him down. Try and be a positive role model in his life and show him rather than tell him. Let him know that you didn't have it easy either, but you can either give in to the self pity or pick yourself up by the boot straps and make something of yourself.
If I were you, I'd try to build on your relationship with him first. Take him out doing some fun things. Maybe he likes to ski or bike or swim or rock climb or something like that. Even taking him to the movies and little things like that will help strengthen a relationship.
Once he starts using you as a support system and rock to lean on, I think he may open up with you and let you in his mind a little.
Remember, you can't build a sturdy house without a solid foundation.
Try your best to put yourself in his shoes. He may be angry with you too, and feel you have deserted him, even though it's not rational for him to feel this way (teenagers aren't rational). I would just be very calm and welcoming, and try to talk to him but more importantly, listen. Answer any questions he may have honestly. Try to get him to open up and see if he has any hopes or dreams, and see if you can gently give him ideas to help achieve them, no matter how outlandish they may seem. They will be very important to him. Find out his interests and use that as a way to get him talking. Maybe organise a special outing if you find out something he would enjoy.
So much depends on his attitude though. If he's unrelentingly sh*tty, don't take it on board or blame yourself or get angry. Hopefully he comes to you wanting love though, and then things will take care of themselves if you do the above.
I'm the parent of a teenage boy and that's how I'd handle it...you could even call a professional and see what they advise, before and during the visit. Good luck.
Thanks for the advice so far... all of you bring up very good points to think about.
I was depressed and lazy at 14, I look back and shake my head at some of the ridiculous things I did up until my early twenties and I turned out okay, actually MORE than okay and better off than a lot of my peers through my own determination and hard work. I know making mistakes is a part of being a teen, I'm just afraid that he won't learn from those mistakes, and that is key. He goes to a s--t school and hangs out with trash and his adoptive parents aren't so stellar either. He has everything working against him. I just... ugh, I don't know. I suppose this is why I tend to isolate myself. Other people's issues overwhelm me.
Poor guy. Sounds like he didn't get a very easy start to life. I think try to make the visit fun. Don't lecture him, don't try to tell him what he should or shouldn't be doing. Just be there. Don't be judgmental. My good friend has a cousin who is like this. She's pretty much doing everything she can to ruin her life - drugs, partying, being promiscuous, getting in trouble with the law, but my friend has been able to create a relationship with her where her cousin feels comfortable telling her all the things she's doing and calling her when she needs advice/help. That takes time though and I think if you push it he'll just isolate himself from you too.
First I applaud you for trying to help and for overcoming what sounds like a difficult childhood, at best. Lecturing probably won't help. I'd take the approach of "I want to spare you my mistakes" and talk to your brother about what he wants to do later in life and how he can get there. And what mistakes will hinder that. Wanna join the military? Dropping out of high school will hurt your chances.
I wouldn't assume that just because he is smoking he is doing other stuff. I'm assuming we are talking about cigarettes here, not heroin. I know with my sister, my mother got to the point were she just kind of accepted the smoking as "not the worst thing in the world". It may be a nasty habit, but at least it's legal. And it took 10 years, but she finally quit.
Would it be possible to set your brother up with a mentor? Either official (like through big brothers) or unofficial (a friend who might be willing to take him under his wing). As much as you try, you probably can't get through to him in a week, 14 years old are stubborn that way. Having someone to consistently reinforce good choices could make a huge difference in his life.
I was once a troubled youth, and I have two older sisters who are 10 and nine years older than me. I can tell you, even if I didn't always show them, their love and concern meant the world to me. I grew up ok, and I was very grateful that I had two sis's who were willing to be "little moms" (only cooler) for me when I needed them. Let your brother know you think he's got a lot of potentional, and let him know that a rough start early in life doesn't mean you have to be loser your entire life. Your example should help him too. Know though that the teen years are hard for everyone. Don't expect him to become a model citizen and straight "A" student overnight. Just let him know that you expect better from him than being yet another lame, druggie high school dropout. We have too many of those already.
Thank you everyone for the suggestions. Much appreciated and I have somewhat of an idea how I will approach this issue with him.
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