Not sure what to do with my brother (children, holidays, sister)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Oh, trust me, I don't give them constant input on what they do. Nor do I force them to eat correctly or exercise regularly. My whole thing right now is to encourage them to exercise and change their diet. From what I've seen, it's not a matter of them not wanting to, but rather them lacking the tools to do so. Same with the budgeting aspect. All three are things I'm good at, so they have asked me to help them. And with their upcoming switch to medicare (where they will have to pay more out of pocket), it's especially important for them to get on a good budget so that they can afford the medications and health care they need. If they choose not to follow through on things, that'll be their choice and I'll be OK with that.
I also realize that within the next 4-5 years, I will likely be married with my own family. So these are the last years I will be able to help them out in such a dedicated capacity. I already do have my own separate life--despite living with them--and plan to have my own place soon. My goal is to balance my own life with making sure they get all of the help and care they need going forward.
Oh, trust me, I don't give them constant input on what they do. Nor do I force them to eat correctly or exercise regularly. My whole thing right now is to encourage them to exercise and change their diet. From what I've seen, it's not a matter of them not wanting to, but rather them lacking the tools to do so. Same with the budgeting aspect. All three are things I'm good at, so they have asked me to help them. And with their upcoming switch to medicare (where they will have to pay more out of pocket), it's especially important for them to get on a good budget so that they can afford the medications and health care they need. If they choose not to follow through on things, that'll be their choice and I'll be OK with that.
I also realize that within the next 4-5 years, I will likely be married with my own family. So these are the last years I will be able to help them out in such a dedicated capacity. I already do have my own separate life--despite living with them--and plan to have my own place soon. My goal is to balance my own life with making sure they get all of the help and care they need going forward.
OK, I can see your point, within reason. Any ideas on a timeline? I mean, as a parent, that would be my question. Three months, six months, a year?
See, I come at it from another angle. Not that your brother is right in any of this - remember, I support totally your decision to get him off the phone bill, and to try to protect your mother from his emotional manipulation.
But I have a brother who keeps trying to move in with my parents - who have a guesthouse. In fact, he's pretty much succeeded - he's there every weekend and now those weekends extend to four day weekends most of the time. He's been moving his stuff in there - every time I go there, he's got more of his stuff moved in. They still insist that he's just visiting.
He tells me all the time how much he is helping them around the place, how they place demands on him and expect him to do all sorts of demeaning, petty little favors and jobs for them (they are in their 70s). He makes it sound like he's a house servant and they are petty despots.
What I hear from THEM is how frustrated they are that he comes there and does absolutely nothing - how he won't spend any time with them or help them with any projects (they have a large place).
I suspect the truth lies somewhere in the middle.
However, one thing is certain - he's not helping them enough and they're enabling him too much.
The ironic thing is, he feels a need to criticize me all the time to my parents. He needs to tear other people down in order to make himself feel better - plus, he knows I encourage my parents to lay down healthy parameters with their new "squatter" and therefore I AM THE ENEMY.
It stresses my parents out, but a lot of their stress would be relieved if they would just tell him, "Hey, news flash - you don't live here. We don't need you here. We love you but we prefer that you visit us instead of move in with us."
This may not be the case with you at all - I just have a built in skepticism button because of my brother's situation.
Why don't these grown men act like grown men? And why are our mothers so besotted with them that they find it impossible to be firm with them?????????? SHEEZE.
Your brother sounds just like the son of someone I know. He's in his forties now and is still able to manipulate his parents. He is bi-polar. He too talks of suicide when he is off his meds, which is often. The trouble you describe sounds just like him. His parents keep bailing him out of everything. They are major contributors to the problem. They think of it as love, but their son has almost driven them to financial ruin, and his father had a heart attack from all the stress. Even with this, their son does not stop. They are finally trying to change what they are doing. It has been hard on them because they love their son. But because of his mental problems and the problems it causes the family, they now have no other choice.
So I totally agree with SCGranny's post. Such a sad situation. In my opinion, you are doing the right thing. Good luck to you.
I second both Beth56 and SCGranny. I, too, thought bi-polar when I read OP's first post and what you have said since seems to confirm it to me. Untreated bi-polar makes for next-to-impossible interpersonal relationships and terrible parenting. The kids have no stability — they don't know who's going to be waiting for them when they wake up. It suits people like your brother to have a "designated bad guy" to blame their terrible outcomes on, and unfortunately you're it. He will attach awful ulterior motives to the assistance you give to your parents because that's the way HE conducts HIS life.
I think you're right to detach from this as much as possible. I have a feeling that deep down your parents know they need you and could never get what they need from your brother. But that won't stop their wishing and hanging on to every hope. It's likely they will always leave the door open for him. Is it possible that your mother might be receptive to reading some things about mental health? If anyone can steer your brother to a therapist, she would be the one. He probably needs medication and he certainly needs to stop drinking or drugging or whatever behavior is an offshoot of his mental problems. But I wouldn't hold my breath for it if I were you. Bi-polars are really difficult even for experts to treat.
Very best of luck to you. This is such a difficult situation you're in.
I second both Beth56 and SCGranny. I, too, thought bi-polar when I read OP's first post and what you have said since seems to confirm it to me. Untreated bi-polar makes for next-to-impossible interpersonal relationships and terrible parenting. The kids have no stability — they don't know who's going to be waiting for them when they wake up. It suits people like your brother to have a "designated bad guy" to blame their terrible outcomes on, and unfortunately you're it. He will attach awful ulterior motives to the assistance you give to your parents because that's the way HE conducts HIS life.
I think you're right to detach from this as much as possible. I have a feeling that deep down your parents know they need you and could never get what they need from your brother. But that won't stop their wishing and hanging on to every hope. It's likely they will always leave the door open for him. Is it possible that your mother might be receptive to reading some things about mental health? If anyone can steer your brother to a therapist, she would be the one. He probably needs medication and he certainly needs to stop drinking or drugging or whatever behavior is an offshoot of his mental problems. But I wouldn't hold my breath for it if I were you. Bi-polars are really difficult even for experts to treat.
Very best of luck to you. This is such a difficult situation you're in.
'
Yes, it is. And I agree - it's very difficult for a bipolar person to be treated. Since their moods are cyclical, when they feel better, they tend to get off their meds. Also, they may only go to the doctor when they are depressed, and many antidepressants are the WORST thing you can give someone who has a manic side simmering below the surface anyway.
The doctor really has to have their buy in -and needs to know specifically how to treat the whole RANGE of the disorder, rather than just the depression.
They need to be open to being "leveled out" - which unfortunately also means they have to give up the pleasant aspects of their disorder. And the euphoria IS pleasant - and exciting - to them. It's a hard edge to give up - many of them simply can't or won't do it.
This situation just keeps rearing its ugly head. We're all headed up north this weekend to my family's place (1/3 my oldest brother's (not the brother I'm fighting with), 1/3 my sister's and 1/3 my father's--and I have contributed items to the house and plan to put in money on it, too) for a family reunion this weekend. My brother apparently wants to come up, but only on his terms. Meaning, even if his kid is a brat, we cannot say anything because he'll "be upset." Additionally, he has said that there won't be any problems as long as "she keeps her mouth shut" (she being me--and I haven't said ANYTHING to him since he said what he said). Essentially, we kiss his butt and do what he wants. He seems to be angling for a fight. My mom actually called him tonight and told him if he's looking for a fight and expects people to let his kid do whatever he wants, it's probably best he not come. My dad said the same thing.
The funny--or sad thing--is that I'm not even the one who yells at his kid the most, nor have I ever "disciplined" the child for him. I've never spanked my nephew--at most, I've told him not to do that and then I've told my brother what the kid did--and my brother NEVER disciplines him. And he should realize that if the kid is misbehaving and he's doing nothing about it, people WILL speak up. We're not going to allow him or his child to disrespect the rest of us.
Anyway, of course, my brother is trying to turn it into an us vs. him-type situation, since my mom made it clear that she will not allow him to dictate things. I guess it just goes to show how mentally off he is right now, as literally everything my mom said, my brother wouldn't even listen to. And believe me, my mom was being far kinder than I would have been, considering the fact that he didn't even contact his parents for a whole month.
At first, when being told of my brother's potential up north trip, I thought I would stay home. Then I decided, no, I'm not going to stay home because that's exactly what he wants to happen. He truly is trying to ostracize me from the rest of the family by putting these "rules" in place and trying to make me sound like the bad guy. Not gonna happen and fortunately my family knows me well enough to know that little to none of this is my fault. (1) I am not the one who told him to have a nice bleeping life and (2) I care more about my family than some childish fight. I won't allow him to scare me away, and best believe I'll be at every single get together that I am invited to. Whether or not he chooses to be around is his choice.
It's really all about control for him. It's been that way in his past relationships (his last ex, he even controlled what television shows she watched etc.) and now that side of him seems to be coming through again with us. I can only hope we're all strong enough to stand up to him (I know I am).
Hopefully he stays away this weekend. I do not need the stress.
I'll try to make this as brief as possible, though it may be a bit long.
Me: I'm 23, college graduate, work full-time as a freelance web developer and writer. I live at home with my parents who are 64 and 62. Both have had health problems in the past (dad had a double bypass in 2004, has diabetes; mom had kidney cancer in 2010 and has had issues with gout and bad arthritis) but are still pretty active now and in fairly good health. I'm the youngest of 5. I mostly stay at home now to help them out when they need it. I could easily get a place of my own, but haven't because it's been most convenient to stick around here and help out when it's necessary (my mom babysits my sisters kids, so I end up helping them, too). I've contributed a lot to this household including appliances that we needed, improvements to the inside of the house etc. My dad and mom aren't the best with money, so I've been trying to help them budget and get things in order for their upcoming switch from private insurance to medicare. I've never really fought with my parents and have never given them any trouble. Essentially--and not to sound egotistical--I've done more to help my parents than any of my siblings have combined. And don't get me wrong, they HAVE helped in the past and are good people, but they've got families so it's a little hard for them to be there as much as I, as a childless person, can.
My brother: He's 32 and the next closest sibling in age. Unfortunately, he's the least mature of us. We've always joked that he's got the maturity of a teenager. Ever since he became an adult, he's gone from one bad situation to another. He moved out of state to attend college for a woman he met on the internet; they broke up and he starved out there because he didn't tell us what was going on. He came home and met another woman on the internet; this one had a child already that was 2. They basically lied to the kid and told him that my brother was his father. The kid is now a teenager and still doesn't know the truth. They had a kid together who is 6 and is the worst behaved kid I've ever seen. The kid cusses, kicks people, shrieks like a monkey anytime he is disciplined, gets in trouble in school etc. It's not the kid's fault, though, as his parents do not take care of him. They stick him in front of video games all day and let him do whatever he wants. No matter what he does, he rarely gets punished for it. Long story short, this relationship ended and my brother moved onto another bad one. That ended, too. At the end of both relationships he was suicidal to the point of needing to go to a mental hospital. Once released he refused to get on medication or otherwise get help for himself. Now he's dating a woman who isn't divorced yet, has two kids, no career etc.
This brother has continually taken advantage of the kindness of his siblings and his parents. He's made us do his taxes, fill out his financial aid documents, help him with fixing his problems around his house etc. Basically anything he can pawn off on someone else, he'll do it because he's too lazy to do it himself. He's currently stuck in a dead end job and is no where close to graduating college, despite having taken out $50,000 in loans and being nearly 7 years into college). When he's come up over the years (for 3-4 years recently, he stayed at my parents house nearly every weekend, eating their food, sleeping all day, making my mom watch his two kids for him, never cleaning up after himself) he's continued to take advantage of everyone. Yet no one says anything to him because of his past suicide episodes and his depression. They talk privately, though.
Out of the kindness of my heart and to help him financially, I offered to let him on my cell phone plan two years ago. That was a horrible mistake as I soon saw my bills go way up because he used so many texts and minutes. He never paid enough each month to cover his share. He also did not pay on time because he couldn't afford to (gave me the excuse that his paycheck before the due date was used for his mortgage). Eventually, they started hitting me with late fees and even put a notice on my credit report that payment was late. All because of him. What really made me mad was finding out he recently blew $300 in a big city with his new girlfriend, yet couldn't "afford" to pay his phone bill on time.
Well, this past weekend, he was being a huge jerk to me and also to my mom. Yet again, he wasn't watching his kids and was letting his 6 year old call my parents names, hit my dad, disrespect everyone else etc. Finally, after hearing him describe my job as "writing porn" (and it's not, it's writing technical computer articles) I got mad. I told him that he should be more concerned with parenting his child, that is child is the way he is because he is not a good father to him, that the reason why my other nieces and nephews are as well behaved as they are is that their parents actually discipline and do things with them etc. He of course started saying more stuff about me and continued to throughout the weekend. He even brought our mom into it, trying to get her to make me apologize.
That was a low blow. Since my mom's cancer bout, she's been very emotional. She does NOT need the stress, yet that's all he's ever done to her. I told him to leave her out of it, that it's between him and I. He accused her of taking my side, yet she's ALWAYS been on his side because she worries so much about him.
Long story short, he went back home yesterday and I made the decision to end the cell phone contract since his 2 year plan was up. I had been thinking about doing it for a while and decided to finally do it. I texted him and told him that I would be ending it Wednesday (to give him some notice to get his own plan). I was nice in my message and explained that I was doing it because it cost me too much and they were marking payments as late. Well, him being the irrational person he is, he basically flipped out. He called my mom, asked her if she thought it was fair, she told him no, yet he said "I'm done with you now" and hung up on her! I then texted him to leave her out of it, that if he wants to be mad at anyone, it's me and I again explained why I was ending the contract. He texted me a long, very hate filled message saying we were poisonous and to have a nice bleeping life. He basically implied that he was cutting us out of his life. All this over the end of a cell phone contract!
If anything, his reaction to this just proves how badly he needs help. He treats every single "no" as being betrayed by his family. Abandonment issues. He's not stable. Despite the fact that we've ALL done a LOT over the years to help him and that he's never done anything to help us--we're still "poisonous". It's always been a "take take take" relationship for him. I don't honestly feel that bad about this, I'm ready for a break from his BS, but I do not want to see my mom upset over this and that's who I worry about most.
I guess I'm just looking for advice. What should I do next? Just ignore him? Reach out to him? Was I wrong in speaking my mind after being verbally attacked by him and wanting to end a cell phone contract that cost me thousands of extra dollars due to his overusage?
after reading all this.... my only question is... 'What's wrong with you?'...
Stop making excuses for him and walk away. This is what all of you need to do but I doubt your mom will get with the plan. You folks are helping him stay helpless. Why should he take care of himself when he knows you will do it for him?
This situation just keeps rearing its ugly head. We're all headed up north this weekend to my family's place (1/3 my oldest brother's (not the brother I'm fighting with), 1/3 my sister's and 1/3 my father's--and I have contributed items to the house and plan to put in money on it, too) for a family reunion this weekend. My brother apparently wants to come up, but only on his terms. Meaning, even if his kid is a brat, we cannot say anything because he'll "be upset." Additionally, he has said that there won't be any problems as long as "she keeps her mouth shut" (she being me--and I haven't said ANYTHING to him since he said what he said). Essentially, we kiss his butt and do what he wants. He seems to be angling for a fight. My mom actually called him tonight and told him if he's looking for a fight and expects people to let his kid do whatever he wants, it's probably best he not come. My dad said the same thing.
The funny--or sad thing--is that I'm not even the one who yells at his kid the most, nor have I ever "disciplined" the child for him. I've never spanked my nephew--at most, I've told him not to do that and then I've told my brother what the kid did--and my brother NEVER disciplines him. And he should realize that if the kid is misbehaving and he's doing nothing about it, people WILL speak up. We're not going to allow him or his child to disrespect the rest of us.
Anyway, of course, my brother is trying to turn it into an us vs. him-type situation, since my mom made it clear that she will not allow him to dictate things. I guess it just goes to show how mentally off he is right now, as literally everything my mom said, my brother wouldn't even listen to. And believe me, my mom was being far kinder than I would have been, considering the fact that he didn't even contact his parents for a whole month.
At first, when being told of my brother's potential up north trip, I thought I would stay home. Then I decided, no, I'm not going to stay home because that's exactly what he wants to happen. He truly is trying to ostracize me from the rest of the family by putting these "rules" in place and trying to make me sound like the bad guy. Not gonna happen and fortunately my family knows me well enough to know that little to none of this is my fault. (1) I am not the one who told him to have a nice bleeping life and (2) I care more about my family than some childish fight. I won't allow him to scare me away, and best believe I'll be at every single get together that I am invited to. Whether or not he chooses to be around is his choice.
It's really all about control for him. It's been that way in his past relationships (his last ex, he even controlled what television shows she watched etc.) and now that side of him seems to be coming through again with us. I can only hope we're all strong enough to stand up to him (I know I am).
Hopefully he stays away this weekend. I do not need the stress.
It is a "You vs. him" situation; and you are in the right; don't back off or back down.
Since when does he get to make rules for the rest of the family? (I know - since forever). Time it stops. He doesn't like it, his power is being taken away, and it is already in his mind to make trouble to 'prove' his superiority and enforce his power. Don't let him get away with it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
wow...
