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I guess after 48 years of life I finally figured out what's wrong with me (socially), I don't know how to talk to people, even good friends. This came to light this past week because a good friend (female like me) stressed once again how she prefers the phone whereas I prefer texting. I thought long and hard about why I hate talking on the phone so much and it's because I usually have nothing to say. Sure occasionally there is an issue I need advice about, that could warrant a phone call, but that's few and far between.
Since 2011 I have been a meetup organizer off and on and I love planning social outings and meeting people. I am great at small talk, getting to know someone, but after the initial questions, if we don't have a big thing in common, I can't think of anything to talk about. I don't have children so that's a big topic I cannot share in. I've always been good at asking questions, I'm not real smart about any topic. I'm always the listener in social groups. I think about my friends who like to talk, they usually have interesting stories to tell, and I just don't seem to have many stories or I guess I tell them quickly (short and sweet, I am not an exaggerater or embellisher).
My sister in law once asked me if everything was OK because I am so quiet. What's wrong with my brain that I can't think of things to tell someone? It shouldn't matter if they are a close friend or an acquaintance or a stranger, there really are plenty of topics....should I just pay better attention to the news (NOT politics) so I have that knowledge on hand?
Would really appreciate hearing from others who have the same problem. I think that I have lost friends over the years because I am boring.
I guess after 48 years of life I finally figured out what's wrong with me (socially), I don't know how to talk to people, even good friends. This came to light this past week because a good friend (female like me) stressed once again how she prefers the phone whereas I prefer texting. I thought long and hard about why I hate talking on the phone so much and it's because I usually have nothing to say. Sure occasionally there is an issue I need advice about, that could warrant a phone call, but that's few and far between.
Since 2011 I have been a meetup organizer off and on and I love planning social outings and meeting people. I am great at small talk, getting to know someone, but after the initial questions, if we don't have a big thing in common, I can't think of anything to talk about. I don't have children so that's a big topic I cannot share in. I've always been good at asking questions, I'm not real smart about any topic. I'm always the listener in social groups. I think about my friends who like to talk, they usually have interesting stories to tell, and I just don't seem to have many stories or I guess I tell them quickly (short and sweet, I am not an exaggerater or embellisher).
My sister in law once asked me if everything was OK because I am so quiet. What's wrong with my brain that I can't think of things to tell someone? It shouldn't matter if they are a close friend or an acquaintance or a stranger, there really are plenty of topics....should I just pay better attention to the news (NOT politics) so I have that knowledge on hand?
Would really appreciate hearing from others who have the same problem. I think that I have lost friends over the years because I am boring.
I am very much the same. But I have a very small, close circle of friends and with them, we never run out of topics.
Generally, people ask me if everything is okay because I don't talk much. At least I am not babbling all day about stuff no one cares about like many others. I am rather too quiet than annoying and I do not understand how women can talk about makeup/celebrities/clothes and other boring crap all day long. I get along better with men, they don't talk so much boring stuff either.
I have managed to come across more mysterious than boring. Probably because WHEN I actually open my mouth, people are surprised (I have done a lot of fun stuff in my life) so they listen. If I am around more than 2 people, I usually let them talk - if they want my input, they will ask and if they need to be the center of attention so be it.
I think I am boring but I have never been called boring by anyone, not even an ex. I think it is more what you do than what you say - I don't say much but I do much fun stuff.
I guess after 48 years of life I finally figured out what's wrong with me (socially), I don't know how to talk to people, even good friends. This came to light this past week because a good friend (female like me) stressed once again how she prefers the phone whereas I prefer texting. I thought long and hard about why I hate talking on the phone so much and it's because I usually have nothing to say. Sure occasionally there is an issue I need advice about, that could warrant a phone call, but that's few and far between.
Since 2011 I have been a meetup organizer off and on and I love planning social outings and meeting people. I am great at small talk, getting to know someone, but after the initial questions, if we don't have a big thing in common, I can't think of anything to talk about. I don't have children so that's a big topic I cannot share in. I've always been good at asking questions, I'm not real smart about any topic. I'm always the listener in social groups. I think about my friends who like to talk, they usually have interesting stories to tell, and I just don't seem to have many stories or I guess I tell them quickly (short and sweet, I am not an exaggerater or embellisher).
My sister in law once asked me if everything was OK because I am so quiet. What's wrong with my brain that I can't think of things to tell someone? It shouldn't matter if they are a close friend or an acquaintance or a stranger, there really are plenty of topics....should I just pay better attention to the news (NOT politics) so I have that knowledge on hand?
Would really appreciate hearing from others who have the same problem. I think that I have lost friends over the years because I am boring.
I find this very interesting. You say that you now know what is "wrong with" you and that is you don't talk that much. And you are stressed out that a good friend wants to talk on the phone.
Do you personally mind not talking that much? Do you mind just being on the phone while someone else talks? If you don't mind either of these, I'm not sure you have much of a problem. If you don't mind spending time on the phone, you can maybe just listen while she talks? Does she seem to have a problem with you doing more of the listening? Some people really, really appreciate this.
I have striven my whole life to talk less and listen more. I know I am entertaining, am a good story teller, and have a variety of somewhat unusual takes on various topics, but I have always felt that a good conversation should be balanced and often felt embarrassed when I realized I was talking too much.
However, just recently, I finally realized that some of my best friends actually and sincerely like it when I talk a lot -- that they actually like to sit there and listen not 100% of the time, but maybe 75-80% of the time -- maybe like you do?
So, what I am trying to get at is maybe some people really like the fact that you listen and maybe the friends who wants to speak on the phone doesn't really care if the conversation is balanced.
Being a good listener is a valuable skill. You don't have to be clever. Just say, "interesting, tell me more about that" (that = whatever the person is talking about whether it's their job or a trip they took or anything).
I think it's fine not to have much to talk about, but if you think you're boring, it wouldn't hurt to learn some new stuff. Do you have good things to say about what others are talking about, or are you just sitting there listening without contributing anything?
My son is rather quiet and, while we don't see it as a problem, I explain to him that a conversation is rather like a game of catch. When someone tells you something, it's like throwing you the ball to join the game. Then, you have to put some oomph behind it to throw it back and engage. This could be additional related information or a question. If you just say, "Oh, yeah" or nod, it's like catching the ball and not throwing it back. If you don't say anything, it's like letting the ball hit you and doing nothing. If you change the subject entirely, it's like puncturing the ball, and forcing them to play another game entirely.
I think it's important for people to be well-rounded and knowledgeable about things. Not everything, and not even what everyone else seems interested in. Surely you have some interests or hobbies you could talk to someone about?
I think it's fine not to have much to talk about, but if you think you're boring, it wouldn't hurt to learn some new stuff. Do you have good things to say about what others are talking about, or are you just sitting there listening without contributing anything?
My son is rather quiet and, while we don't see it as a problem, I explain to him that a conversation is rather like a game of catch. When someone tells you something, it's like throwing you the ball to join the game. Then, you have to put some oomph behind it to throw it back and engage. This could be additional related information or a question. If you just say, "Oh, yeah" or nod, it's like catching the ball and not throwing it back. If you don't say anything, it's like letting the ball hit you and doing nothing. If you change the subject entirely, it's like puncturing the ball, and forcing them to play another game entirely.
I think it's important for people to be well-rounded and knowledgeable about things. Not everything, and not even what everyone else seems interested in. Surely you have some interests or hobbies you could talk to someone about?
Great analogy. I'm not much of a talker either. I'm actually somewhat better now than my earlier years. Good points, when engaging in a conversation if the person doesn't act interested then people will look elsewhere for socialization. No one wants to feel like they're talking to a brick wall.
Surely you have some interests or hobbies you could talk to someone about?
It's not that easy. Some people can talk hours about their hobbies. I have great hobbies but I don't know what to tell people about - do they even wanna hear it? Do I bore them? Not everyone has the need to push their opinion and thoughts onto other people. I think if they want to hear about it, they will ask. And even then I don't elaborate much on it because ... what's there to say??
I was married to a guy who doesn't say much either. When we did stuff, it was okay. We drove for hours not speaking, and it was comfortable silence. But when you sit in a restaurant where there is no other distraction, it was weird sitting across the table, not talking. I envied couples having conversations at their tables.
I noticed that there are a lot of people who talk a lot - they like having me as an audience. I ask some questions and they go on and on and all you have to do is nod or say "really?" "that's cool, tell me more..." and the conversation flows.
I was married to a guy who doesn't say much either. When we did stuff, it was okay.
You kind of hit the nail on the head here. Organize your friendships around activities. Making sure there is alcohol at those activities also helps get conversation flowing.
Another way to look at this OP. It's not that you are boring, its that you participate in a different way. I often think that there are two very basic types of people; observers and expressers. The expressers are the ones who process everything that crosses their mind by "sharing" it or bouncing it off other people. Regardless whether it's worth sharing or not. They tend to be spontaneous because they don't keep stuff internalized, they release it in order to make it "real".
Observers are the ones who prefer to listen, absorb and contemplate what the expressers are releasing. Information and ideas become real for them once they chew on it privately. They may know as much or more about something but they don't volunteer it right off the bat. They don't feel the need to. They don't tend to be spontaneous and sort of need a catalyst to join in the vocal activity. They process stuff internally first, then may contribute. IMHO it's not a matter of being boring or uninformed, its a matter of process.
The other thing that plays into it is whether a person happens to be comfortable with quiet...unfilled gaps in conversation. Many people hate those quiet pauses and feel the need to fill them. A very different situation than talking for effect. They tend to be uncomfortable or self-conscious around other people, so they talk to distract others' attention and feel more at ease. Ironically, people who are comfortable in a situation with other people don't necessarily talk. They don't feel the urge to bridge those gaps.
Last edited by Parnassia; 06-06-2019 at 12:37 PM..
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