How do you deal with a lazy daughter-in-law? (wife, husband, person)
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She does get up and go to work, but on weekends sleeps in and the rest of the day just sits and watches TV. She's over 350 pounds. The dirty clothes and dishes are piling up, things are scattered everywhere and it's tough just to find a empty space to walk. My son told us that they each have their things they do around the house. Her's is doing the laundry, but I've noticed that they end up making a trip to the laundromat to do them because she's let them pile up for so long. I know this because they call and ask if we wanna take care of the grandbaby while they are at the laundromat.
We usually stay outside when we have to go over to their place, don't like seeing them live in that messy house. It is upsetting. My son was not raised this way.
The grandbaby...that's another thing. Momma will sleep in late on the weekends and my son takes care of baby when baby wakes up early. And he is the one getting up with him at night to feed him because she won't do it and very seldom changes a diaper. My son and her argue about who's turn it is, but she always seems to win out. I know my son is just trying to keep peace, but I hate to see what's happening and have not tried to discuss it with him. I want to keep peace as well. He's a hard worker and always on the go, right now building on to their house in his spare time. I realize I cannot control their lives, we all have our lives to live. But I just don't like what I see.
Does anyone else have such trouble with a lazy daughter-in-law? We try to overlook it, sometimes it's harder than other times. And we pray alot. But so far there has been no breakthrough.
Any other suggestions?
Flat out tell her to get off her lazy a$$ and do something around that pig stye of a house! I know of some folks like that in my area. I refuse to even get out of the car in their driveway. Outside is just as bad as the inside.
You may want to mention to your son that if it gets too bad, and DCFS gets a wind of that condition it's in, it would be a sticky situation to have to explain why the kid is living in a pigsty.
Another thought, DIL may be in depression or something. Don't say too much though, otherwise they may take offense and you won't see that baby again. I would offer to have them come visit your house til they clean up. Or drop just the baby off once in a while, in order to give them both time to go clean up their house.
talk to your son - if you want to keep seeing your grandbaby, do not try to school your DIL. I have seen this sort of situation many a time, and it will do you no good trying to talk to her. It doesn't matter how sweetly or how rudely you would phrase anything - she will take it as a personal attack and try to retaliate.
It sounds like she needs some help based on what you've stated (and I'm not talking about the kind of help that you do with a broom or a mop and bucket). Your son is the one who married her, and he's the one who has to live with her. If he doesn't have an opinion about it, then the best thing is to let it go (as hard as that may seem). If he opens up about it, STAY POSITIVE! Don't rattle off all the bad things around the house or with his wife. Encourage him by explaining that you are concerned and open to supporting them emotionally though whatever it is they (or she) is going through, and focus on what the positive outcome would be.
No one wants to feel judged, or patronized. But your son has to be the one to deal directly with your DIL - he's going to have to learn to communicate effectively and to stick to his guns. In all honesty though, if you weighed 350 lbs would you feel like doing anything at all? She seems to have something emotionally she needs to confront which she has been trying to cure with food (wrong medicine). I think counseling would definitely be a good start, as it could help her find out what is making her eat excessively and she'd be better equiped to deal with it. Once she gains control over her weight, she will feel more in control of her household and keeping things orderly.
Your son told you "they each have their things they do around the house." And you say the laundry is one of her things, what are some of his things? Is he unhappy? If not, the best thing out can do is stay out of it. If you become the enemy of your daughter-in-law, your son will NOT take your side, as hard as that may be to believe.
Last edited by fuzzymystic; 10-04-2007 at 12:46 PM..
He usually works 10-12 hour days keeping up with his own business, comes home and helps cook, gets the baby ready during the week for her so she can have time to get herself ready and the other things mentioned above.
He seems to be happy with her. They do a lot together, take trips, go sightseeing. They do a real good job cleaning house when they have company. It's not as bad as it sounds, just a real cluttered house.
Thanks for the advice, I do believe staying out of it to be the best option because I don't want to get either one mad or we won't be seeing that sweet grandbaby of ours as often, if at all.
It doesn't matter how sweetly or how rudely you would phrase anything - she will take it as a personal attack and try to retaliate.
it IS a personal attack! someone needs to attack her fat lazy bum, even if it means chasing her for a few laps around the living room couch with a spatula!
Good Lord, worry about ever seeing the baby again? You would be the first ones to get custody if they declared her an unfit mother, or living in an unstable environment for the child. P'raps she IS depressed, but i'm sorry, when I went through my bout with self loating, weight gain and clinical depression, the only way I got better, was after getting PISSED OFF at myself first. So pissed that I actually DID something about it.
*hands you a spatula* ....attack!
...Sorry. /rant OFF. I've seen it too many times. And it just grosses me out. You don't want to take the antagonistic approach to it all, ya... but if you can't light a fire under her to stop being so lazy.. do you think it's gonna get better on it's own?
Well, I guess it's on me to be the first to say it...
Isn't this their business?
Your son is a grown man. If it's bothering him to get up with the baby, he'll say so. To her. Because, well. Um. This is their marriage.
I've known some MILs to be awesome, so I don't want to generalize, but of all the possible problems a DIL can have with her MIL, the top one as far as I've seen is when mother-in-law tries to be her son's husband.
Your son is a grownup. If this dynamic is working for them, that's wonderful. If it's not, and he wants your advice, he'll ask for it. If he hasn't asked, it's likely he doesn't want it.
I'm sorry to be blunt. I'd bet dollars to donuts that your daughter in law knows exactly how you feel about her. You may not mind that fact but I'll bet your son does...and it sounds to me like he loves her. Just keep that in mind. Please allow these two to row the boat they signed on for together.
By the way, if you're wondering "if" it will sound like an attack, no, it won't. It will sound like exactly what it is: inappropriate and boundary-crossing. To get an idea of this, imagine someone else is critiquing your daytime, evening and weekend habits and decides to call up your husband about it. I really doubt you'd be very receptive to all the kindly little suggestions.
p.s. If custody were routinely taken from the who parent doesn't get up with the baby at night, doesn't change diapers and snores obliviously until 10AM on weekends, my husband wouldn't have any children at all. Here's another thing to keep in mind, which may or may not be true for your son, but this is something I'VE seen all too many times, though it doesn't actually make me sick, it makes me kinda laugh. When my husband says he "always" does something and it's a "womanly" thing to do, what he means is, he's done it more than once over a period of time. Like for example four years. I remember when my husband and I were both working and I was sobbing and screaming to him one day about how I was going to die if he didn't start getting up with the baby (my middle son) and he said, "I switch off nights with you!" No joke folks, he had gotten up a total of four or five times in ten months with the baby. We have also had the "I do dishes" fight. "You never help with the house," I'll say. "I do dishes!" he'll shoot back, and in *his mind*, he does. About every four to five months, he'll take one night where he puts in the stopper, fills the sink of dirty dishes with soapy water and walks away. For several hours. When I'm standing there washing the final dish myself at 11PM, he'll wander into the kitchen and say, "Oh. I was going to do those."
He's not trying to be a heel. *In his mind*, even once in a while is blown up to "all the time" or "we switch off".
OMG...our third son breastfed. So that meant DH literally never got up with E, I mean seriously not once in E's first ten months, because, well, what was DH going to give him? :P A face full of hair? Well anyway...at EVERY family gathering DH would tell the family (Mommy too, naturally) that it is soooooooooo hard to have a baby because "you never get any sleep". I would just sit there and stare at DH with my mouth open. What he didn't add was, he woke up *slightly* when he heard the baby cry *from a distance* as I got up four or five times to feed, feed, feed, feed, feed. But he didn't give these details. Probably because he assumed nobody was taking notes and was going to end up accusing one or another of us with something. Which is pretty much as it should be, I feel.
(On the other hand, maybe my MIL left these gatherings and posted on some board about how her lazy DIL let DH get up and breastfeed the baby with chest hair, LOL. I mean ya never know...)
Again, these are things you wouldn't necessarily be able to know as it is not your relationship and not your marriage; you don't live there. I'm just throwing it out there because I've seen a lot of either husbands or wives saying something roughly similar to this.
Last edited by JerZ; 10-04-2007 at 02:21 PM..
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Which is pretty much as it should be, I feel.
