Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My father passed on December 7, 2011 after a long battle with lung cancer
Back in 2000, my parents had seperated for a brief period. My mom had allegedly been cheating on my father with a man who lived down the street from us. Shortly after my mom told me father to "get out" she moved us (my younger sister, younger brother, and myself) in with this man and we lived with him for a year. During that year my mom got a restraining order on my father and my siblings and I didn't see or talk to him for over that 12 month period. Eventually that relationship with my mom's new man went sour and she wanted my father back.
By this time, my father was living in our home state of Connecticut and had a great paying job. He took my mom back and all of us. In 2005 we moved back to Orlando, FL (where this "story" began) and my parents were together until my father's death last year. In 2010 I had moved to Las Vegas to begin life on my own and after my father's death I returned to Florida in March 2012 to be with my family
This man who we'll call Louis, found my mom on Facebook and said he was now retired and living in West Virginia and owned 17 acres and had invited her to go visit him. My mom accepted and I completely flew off the handle. At first she told me she wasn't going to go but now I found out through my grandmother that she is going.
I won't lie I am still angry at her for breaking up our family 12 years ago and putting us through all the hell of not being with our father who although an alcoholic was a loving and caring father, don't get me wrong he was no saint but he was by no means a deadbeat dad either. And I told her how staunchly opposed I am to this idea of her going to see the man she left my father for back then, especially since my father has not even been gone for a year. I told her that I felt she had lied to me by keeping her travel plans a secret and that "If you choose to lie, then you choose to die" I don't mean that in a sense I'm wishing death on her but that was what I had been told (by a relative) when I found out Im HIV+ on top of my mom planning to see her old flame
I told her that my 20 year old sister is now her oldest child, that I want nothing to do with her and that I would be out of the house by the end of the week even though this would mean homelessness for me. I hate her THAT much for doing this. Am I right or wrong for being angry about this whole situation? And am I wrong for still harboring bad feelings from 12 years ago?
I understand your feelings, I think I would feel the same. It's anger, hurt, betrayal all rolled up in one. Dollydo has a good point though, your mom is going to act how she wants to act. Right or wrong. You can't control her or anyone else for that matter, but you can decide how you want to live your life.
I also think that a really good therapist will help you work through your anger with the situation. It's justified in my opinion, but it's not going to do you any good if you don't talk about it and get it out.
You mom sounds kind of lost, leaving your dad for another man, then going back to your dad and he passes away. Then this guy comes back in her life and she just goes to him. I think she is searching for some happiness, or trying to fill an emptyness.
My father passed on December 7, 2011 after a long battle with lung cancer
Back in 2000, my parents had seperated for a brief period. My mom had allegedly been cheating on my father with a man who lived down the street from us. Shortly after my mom told me father to "get out" she moved us (my younger sister, younger brother, and myself) in with this man and we lived with him for a year. During that year my mom got a restraining order on my father and my siblings and I didn't see or talk to him for over that 12 month period. Eventually that relationship with my mom's new man went sour and she wanted my father back.
By this time, my father was living in our home state of Connecticut and had a great paying job. He took my mom back and all of us. In 2005 we moved back to Orlando, FL (where this "story" began) and my parents were together until my father's death last year. In 2010 I had moved to Las Vegas to begin life on my own and after my father's death I returned to Florida in March 2012 to be with my family
This man who we'll call Louis, found my mom on Facebook and said he was now retired and living in West Virginia and owned 17 acres and had invited her to go visit him. My mom accepted and I completely flew off the handle. At first she told me she wasn't going to go but now I found out through my grandmother that she is going.
I won't lie I am still angry at her for breaking up our family 12 years ago and putting us through all the hell of not being with our father who although an alcoholic was a loving and caring father, don't get me wrong he was no saint but he was by no means a deadbeat dad either. And I told her how staunchly opposed I am to this idea of her going to see the man she left my father for back then, especially since my father has not even been gone for a year. I told her that I felt she had lied to me by keeping her travel plans a secret and that "If you choose to lie, then you choose to die" I don't mean that in a sense I'm wishing death on her but that was what I had been told (by a relative) when I found out Im HIV+ on top of my mom planning to see her old flame
I told her that my 20 year old sister is now her oldest child, that I want nothing to do with her and that I would be out of the house by the end of the week even though this would mean homelessness for me. I hate her THAT much for doing this. Am I right or wrong for being angry about this whole situation? And am I wrong for still harboring bad feelings from 12 years ago?
This might sound really trite, but here goes...
If you're still that angry after all of this time, maybe you should talk to someone about it, like a mental health professional. Don't let your pride get in the way of forgiveness. Look at it this way: If your father forgave her, so can you.
I'm not saying you have to approve of her choices or be buddy-buddies with this man, or even with her. Just that you can't control her. She's a grown woman and it's her life.
But also, carrying anger like you're doing is not good for anyone. It's like a cancer that pervades your being, creates stress and anxiety, and eats away at both your body and your mind. You mentioned that you are HIV+. Anger and stress have been proven to interfere with the immune system. For your own health and well-being, I hope that you find someone who can help you sort through all of this--including the grief of losing your father--come to terms with what you cannot change, and free your heart of the burden of your anger.
As children we see our parents a certain way. You have an idea of how your parent's marriage was but you really dont know. The only people that truly understood their relationship are your parents. If your father had a drinking problem it could have been far worse than you realized. Of course you see your mother as mom but she is a woman that had needs. She might have been lonely. Im not big on people shacking up with someone new and bringing the kids along. I think this was a poor choice. I understand your anger on this. The restraining order was issued for a reason, something you may never know why.
My parents divorce was quite messy. Dad was cheating, got busted and basically started a new life and took to raising his new wife's kids without giving us much thought. I stopped talking to him and we went quite a few years without communication. When I was in my mid twenties, married and a mother. I felt the need to talk to my Dad. I called him up and asked if we could meet for breakfast. I asked him to be honest and tell me what happened. Surprisingly he was honest (not his strong suit) and told me things about the relationship with my mother that I was mature enough to hear and you know what? It made sense. I love my mother but I am a grown woman and have rode the waves of the good times and bad in my marriage. Relationships are very hard and require a lot of work. I could see she wasn't the greatest spouse. Neither was my dad for that matter. She refused to compromise on anything and let parents interfer in the marriage. My dad drank too much and was not dependable. From a mature perspective I was no longer "team mom" but looked at why the marriage failed. You know the old saying, it takes two to tango.
I realized they had a lot of issues and probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Although I still dont have a good relationship with my Dad the whole thing provided clarity for me. Mom wasn't perfect and either was Dad. They both have their flaws and what I thought I knew about their marriage was through a child's eyes and as I adult, I see why they had the problems they did. I think therapy would be good for you. Besides the feelings you have about your parents, you are also dealing with your own personal struggles. I think it would be good to have a heart to heart with your mom at some point. Just listen and be open minded. I spent quite a few years feeling a lot of hatred and let me tell ya, the only person it really destroys is you. I wish you the best.
My father passed on December 7, 2011 after a long battle with lung cancer
Back in 2000, my parents had seperated for a brief period. My mom had allegedly been cheating on my father with a man who lived down the street from us. Shortly after my mom told me father to "get out" she moved us (my younger sister, younger brother, and myself) in with this man and we lived with him for a year. During that year my mom got a restraining order on my father and my siblings and I didn't see or talk to him for over that 12 month period. Eventually that relationship with my mom's new man went sour and she wanted my father back.
By this time, my father was living in our home state of Connecticut and had a great paying job. He took my mom back and all of us. In 2005 we moved back to Orlando, FL (where this "story" began) and my parents were together until my father's death last year. In 2010 I had moved to Las Vegas to begin life on my own and after my father's death I returned to Florida in March 2012 to be with my family
This man who we'll call Louis, found my mom on Facebook and said he was now retired and living in West Virginia and owned 17 acres and had invited her to go visit him. My mom accepted and I completely flew off the handle. At first she told me she wasn't going to go but now I found out through my grandmother that she is going.
I won't lie I am still angry at her for breaking up our family 12 years ago and putting us through all the hell of not being with our father who although an alcoholic was a loving and caring father, don't get me wrong he was no saint but he was by no means a deadbeat dad either. And I told her how staunchly opposed I am to this idea of her going to see the man she left my father for back then, especially since my father has not even been gone for a year. I told her that I felt she had lied to me by keeping her travel plans a secret and that "If you choose to lie, then you choose to die" I don't mean that in a sense I'm wishing death on her but that was what I had been told (by a relative) when I found out Im HIV+ on top of my mom planning to see her old flame
I told her that my 20 year old sister is now her oldest child, that I want nothing to do with her and that I would be out of the house by the end of the week even though this would mean homelessness for me. I hate her THAT much for doing this. Am I right or wrong for being angry about this whole situation? And am I wrong for still harboring bad feelings from 12 years ago?
I dunno, that's a tough one. It sounds as if you are consumed by grief still, and anger is a part of that. It is often difficult to think objectively when you are in the thick of it. As an outsider, I would have to know more about the circumstances surrounding the entire situation.
She allegedly had an affair. I'm not laying blame, but there are different reasons for affairs. He was an alcoholic. She kicked him out. She filed for a restraining order. This speaks volumes about what she might have been dealing with.
You said he was an alcoholic and "no saint" but he wasn't a deadbeat dad. This may be acceptable to you, but it may not have been acceptable to your mom. I would not want my kids exposed to alcoholism and the abuse that often comes with it.
You're holding her completely responsible for the breakup of the marriage and it doesn't sound like she was alone in this.
You flew off the handle when she accepted the other man's invitation. I can see why she lied about it. The truth is that she is an adult and is free to do as she pleases. You may not approve, but it is her life to live as she sees fit.
Your father has not been gone for a year yet. Again, this time frame may not be acceptable to you, but you really have no say in how long she should grieve or mourn. Still, would it matter if it was the year mark? Two years? Five years? She is going to visit the man she left your father for and that seems to be what this is really about.
The ferocity with which you are reacting, the way you are treating her, hating her, is very telling. Anger is part of the grieving process but this is completely centered on you. It makes me think this is the sort of thing she was dealing with in her marriage and what you were exposed to, to the degree that you are now exhibiting this kind of behavior. You blame her for everything. You dictate what she should have done, what she should have accepted, how long to mourn, what she should be doing now and you want to punish her. Have you ever asked her why she did the things she did? And if so, were you open to the answers or did you dismiss it because you had already made up your mind? It doesn't sound like you have considered her position at all. If you did, you might not be so angry.
I know this is probably harsh and very unflattering, but it is my take on it. I'm just going by what you've shared.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,135,151 times
Reputation: 11862
Actually something similar is going on in my family. Not involving me, but my sister and parents.
My advice: you might be really pissed off now, but don't do anything so rash and extreme that you might later regret. Just calm down and think it through.
Also, I'm sorry to hear you are HIV+. Things must be really hard/painful for you right now but at a time like this you don't want to be stuffing up your relationship with your own mother.
I don't think this anger is strictly about the past. You mentioned you recently found out you're HIV+ right? Were you expecting her to be there for you and help you through coming to terms with that? It wasn't wrong to expect that, but it appears, for whatever reason, your mother can't and/or won't give it to you. It's difficult to accept, but right now you have to focus on seeing what your best treatment options are and taking care of yourself to support your immune system.
By all means, go for therapy, I think it would be helpful for both dealing with your mother and accepting the diagnosis. Where do you want to live? Can you go back to Vegas if you want?
As for her, do you want her in your life? If you really don't, that's ok, and it's ok to be angry too. Either way, detachment will be helpful in dealing with her: Developing Detachment | LIVESTRONG.COM
DavieJ89....for your sake let it go....don't question what your mom is doing, she shouldn't have to answer to you...it's her life, let her have joy anyway she can get it...you should be happy for her, your father is gone so she can't hurt him no more, and he can't hurt her......maybe you should just concentrate on finding happiness in your own life instead of hanging onto past mistakes, and allowing them to control how you feel.....take care DavieJ89.
Davie, I'm so sorry for all the things you've had to endure and for the lack of openness and honesty you've had in your life. And that's probably a huge part of your anger right now. You are holding your mother responsible for everything wrong in your life, I think, and not even considering the good she may be responsible for. You don't know all the details why she got a restraining order against your father, and I believe you are blind to any possibility of it having to do with protecting you. It's time to open your mind - and your heart - and to understand that your mother is not a saint, that she is first a woman as well as your mother.
You are now a grown man, an adult. You've made some mistakes, you've had problems. But you now are responsible for yourself - and that includes for your emotions and behavior. Your mother needs to look at her future. She may have another 40 or so years and she has a responsibility to herself first, and to you and your siblings to do what is right for her. If she puts aside her needs "for the family" especially at this point in life, is to not do what is best for her children either.
Please get some counselling. You have several issues you need to deal with and a good therapist can really help you sort out many things and help you help yourself - to feel better about you, to learn to like you or to change the parts of you that you don't like, to help you make peace with those around you - in whatever way making peace will bring you the greatest calm and peace in your own life.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
