U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Covid-19 Information Page
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-11-2012, 09:48 AM
 
Location: Colorado
4,308 posts, read 12,295,488 times
Reputation: 4445

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mooseketeer View Post
I concur ! I am 44 , female and have never wanted children. The abuse you get from people is quite extraordinary even in 2012. I have been called "un-natural", a "selfish b.i.t.c.h" and once "evil" which was my personal favourite. Having no maternal instinct whatsoever I cannot comprehend why people assume that EVERYONE loves kids and wants to have them. Some people love kids, others do not. I am not quite sure what is so difficult a concept for people to grasp ( when I say people I mean women as I have never had an adverse reaction from men yet... ).

I do not wish to procreate and know that I would make a terrible parent because children do tend to bore me, I find them dirty, smelly,messy and on the whole tedious to be around. There are exceptions but they are few and far between. I personally don't understand why people want kids but I don't go around treating them as if they were planet polluting , population disaster fiends. I accept it is a choice and that though it is not for me some people are entitled to a different opinion.

Kids should be loved, and wanted 100% and it pains me that so many people seem to have children more as a the result of a social expectation than true desire or by accident even. I believe children should be cherished, respected and cared for and sadly too many parents fail on all counts. They deserve better than to have parents who are not good enough and do not genuinely get involved in raising them ( and yes I do know a lot of deficient parents). A kid is not a toy, an accessory, nor is it there to make you feel better about yourslef, look after you in old age or carry down your genes ( all reasons which seem quite common with parents one way or another).


Being a woman who does not want children and does not coo over babies is still considered a moral and mental defect and I wish people would realise that knowing yourself and your limitations is much better in the long run. I am honest with myself and others and refuse to be blackmailed socially into having children.

Pass.

Puppies however... Now that it a different story. Puppies I can coo over quite easily !
I absolutely concur! Well, apart from the puppies thing. Kittens

The attitude that bothers me the most is the assumption that if you're female, in your mid- to late-40s and don't have children is that it's by choice. What about all the women who can't have children? I know people will go on about adoption but a) I've never felt the maternal instinct and b) the reasons above to not have kids apply to adoption too. I think most kids are great and I love watching them do their thing but I'm 100% happy that they're not doing it around me.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-11-2012, 09:55 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 69,716,807 times
Reputation: 22522
Some people really can't grasp that others don't want to procreate.

My sister didn't want children but she made up this tale to get our mother off her back - that she had HEART PROBLEMS and "couldn't have children." My mother actually went around telling everyone and anyone this . . . so she would have an "excuse" to explain my sister never having kids. I would never have known about this BS but one of my cousins relayed to me how it must just be awful for my sister to be dealing with heart issues and to never have had children b/c of that - hadn't they ever considered adopting? I was floored.

You don't really owe anyone any explanations - just keep that in mind. If that is your decision -- your business.

When folks ask "why not" -- the most diplomatic thing you can say is -- "it just wasn't in the stars for me to be a Father." And leave it at that. People take it as some kind of judgment on THEM as parents if you say - I just never wanted kids. They feel personally accosted, like you just maligned everyone who cherishes their children, lol. It is nuts but that is how folks typically react.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-11-2012, 10:22 AM
 
Location: Oxford, England
13,036 posts, read 22,723,477 times
Reputation: 20048
Quote:
Originally Posted by chilaili View Post
I absolutely concur! Well, apart from the puppies thing. Kittens

The attitude that bothers me the most is the assumption that if you're female, in your mid- to late-40s and don't have children is that it's by choice. What about all the women who can't have children? I know people will go on about adoption but a) I've never felt the maternal instinct and b) the reasons above to not have kids apply to adoption too. I think most kids are great and I love watching them do their thing but I'm 100% happy that they're not doing it around me.
Kittens are on the list as are pretty much all Baby Mammals ! Baby Otter/Donkey/Bear/Wolf/Leopard etc... or Human baby ? No contest...

Actually some people have assumed that my childlessness was because of me being "barren" a word I really find hilarious in an OMG sort of way. That somehow I had been afflicted with a deficient womb as this could be the only reason a woman my age could possible not have children.

The other thing I get which makes me laugh is " well you'll see , one day you'll regret it and it will be too late". Once again the assumption that a woman can never be complete without kids and will spend her days lamenting her loss once she realises the error of her way... All of it very patronising .
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-11-2012, 10:37 AM
 
15,803 posts, read 10,002,561 times
Reputation: 68461
All the above and more! I've been doubted, suspected, accused and pitied by both men and women - mostly by women.

My husband has had comments also, mostly from men (he interacts with way more men for work so that's partly why). My husband, however, hears far less about it than I do. Two things that are different for him also are: 1. most of the men show interest, not judgment, and 2. most of the people who do judge assume that I'm the problem - either barren or obstinate. <sigh>
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-11-2012, 10:50 AM
 
Location: Connecticut is my adopted home.
2,339 posts, read 3,304,858 times
Reputation: 7325
Pretty much anyone that knows my (self) upbringing understands why I don't have kids. For those that don't and feel a need to inquire, I simply tell them a part of the truth: I was the eldest of many siblings and by my late teens I was pretty much all done in with child raising and was ready to be free like a child for a while. I've never been called names or been given weird looks as a result. I've never had pressure from my family. Now in my 50s I add: By the time I might have been ready, it was way too late and I have no regrets. Also part of the truth.

I agree with whoever said that most people don't deviate from the script even folks that might have wanted to or probably should have. I often have had both men and women confide (after the have thoroughly assured me that they love their children very much) that they might have done the same thing had they thought it through a little more.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-11-2012, 10:52 AM
 
Location: Sunny Bay Area, CA
1,566 posts, read 1,882,044 times
Reputation: 3267
I hate that judgement and condescending attitude some people hand out when they hear something they can't grasp or understand. I think it's perfectly acceptable and normal to make the decision not to have kids. I hate that some people have to be so rude about it. I can't believe Moosketeer was called "evil" at one point. That just blows my mind.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-11-2012, 12:23 PM
 
Location: Brooklyn,NY
11,294 posts, read 14,285,186 times
Reputation: 17564
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baldrick View Post
I believe it's all down to choice. Much better to not have children if it isn't what you want. Kids aren't for everyone by any means, including some of those that have them..

The BIG three

1. Politics
2. Religion
3. Children

Other peoples opinions are always much more important than your own.
Rep for this post. Right on the money Baldrick.

People who do not want kids are seen as outsiders most of the time. Religion also divides people as well, Despite many preaching a togetherness or camaraderie and politics as well.

I fall into this category, having chose not to have kids and having formerly left my religion in the mid 90's. And I will make no excuse for it no matter who complains. I am I, Just like the Queensryche song! These three are not requirements for one to be a good person and contribute to the world either.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-11-2012, 03:06 PM
 
Location: Brooklyn, NY born & raised!
2,633 posts, read 4,114,420 times
Reputation: 3552
Because people can't grasp the concept that some people just happen to deviate from the norm.

Life would be pretty boring if all of your friends did the same things, lived their lives the same way. Oh wait, that's actually a lot of what I see in the suburbs here and why I had to leave. Because all of the friends I had that got married the same year as me were instantly planning kids and buying the house and what day care they were going to pick. I just found it exhausting.

Like another poster said, sometimes they act offended as if you personally stabbed their kid or something by saying you don't want kids. I was recently told by my aunt that I would be old, lonely, miserable and in a nursing home because I don't want them. So that should be my goal? To have kids so they take care of me when I get old?

I'm 38, the BF is 36 and thank God we are in agreement on this subject. I think I just need better responses to people that ask me why I don't want them that will quickly shut them up instead of asking more questions or saying condescending things such as "Oh, you'll change your mind". No I won't.

I think next time I'm going to respond with either "Why are you so concerned about my ovaries? What I do or don't do with my life doesn't affect you in any way" or maybe "Well what made you truly decide to become a parent?" Because so many people have the wrong answer for this one than I can shake a stick at.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-11-2012, 03:37 PM
 
Location: Brooklyn,NY
11,294 posts, read 14,285,186 times
Reputation: 17564
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss J 74 View Post
Because people can't grasp the concept that some people just happen to deviate from the norm.

Life would be pretty boring if all of your friends did the same things, lived their lives the same way. Oh wait, that's actually a lot of what I see in the suburbs here and why I had to leave. Because all of the friends I had that got married the same year as me were instantly planning kids and buying the house and what day care they were going to pick. I just found it exhausting.

Like another poster said, sometimes they act offended as if you personally stabbed their kid or something by saying you don't want kids. I was recently told by my aunt that I would be old, lonely, miserable and in a nursing home because I don't want them. So that should be my goal? To have kids so they take care of me when I get old?

I'm 38, the BF is 36 and thank God we are in agreement on this subject. I think I just need better responses to people that ask me why I don't want them that will quickly shut them up instead of asking more questions or saying condescending things such as "Oh, you'll change your mind". No I won't.

I think next time I'm going to respond with either "Why are you so concerned about my ovaries? What I do or don't do with my life doesn't affect you in any way" or maybe "Well what made you truly decide to become a parent?" Because so many people have the wrong answer for this one than I can shake a stick at.
People perceive this in many cases as the "norm", And get either overly curious or suspicious because one does not fit that mold. And some love drama, talking about someone who is "different" over brunch and mimosas. It can be stifling I imagine living in a community where they make you feel like the odd one out. Glad tou left it.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-11-2012, 06:31 PM
 
Location: In my view finder.....
8,520 posts, read 14,601,488 times
Reputation: 8079
Quote:
Originally Posted by D. Scott View Post
People perceive this in many cases as the "norm", And get either overly curious or suspicious because one does not fit that mold. And some love drama, talking about someone who is "different" over brunch and mimosas. It can be stifling I imagine living in a community where they make you feel like the odd one out. Glad tou left it.
That's because MOST people stick to a script. I'm a people watcher and everyone is living like everyone else. Here in Columbus,Ohio, all the yuppies drive the same damn car--- Subaru Outback. That's the "I've arrived" car. The yuppies are all bland and corny. Their idea of being cultured is eating sushi at a trendy "urban" eatery. Mind you, it's in an area they would not have been caught dead in 10 years ago because it used to be the "bad" part of town. People can't think for themselves. I'm 38 and without children, people just think it's so odd.

What burns me up is when people think I don't have any REAL responsibilities because I don't have children. That tells me many of these child lovers don't have a life outside of their childrens lives.

At work I listen to the women talk about "family stuff" and it's the most boring, bland lifestyle. Oh, and "date night" is really funny. I guess that's the night in which the "lovely couple" can "get away" from the kids for a while.


LOL....damn, I'm laughing as I type this silliness.


Kudos to you about the religious choice. I'm with you. I come from very religious upbringing. Some of the most 2-faced, narrow minded people that I have ever met were religious people. I don't need any of that in my life.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top