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I imagine you probably did like most, suppressed the hurt, the anger and all of the feelings involved for years, and you expressed it by being promiscuous, like you said. And then years later is when we make the correlation that certain events led to certain behaviors without us knowing it.
Even worse, is when we suppress things for so many years, that when it does rear its ugly head we end up being more angry about it and don't even know why. So while yes, it may have indeed happened years ago, we find that we never fully had closure about it, never got all of our feelings and hurt off our chest, at least not to the person in question.
If you have the strength to do it, I say pull your cousin aside and have a talk. It might be hard, but considering there may very well be other events you will find yourself in close proximity, better to get it over with now instead of trying to avoid the person the rest of your life.
Or just avoid her if that is far more comfortable to you. I didn't have that luxury, so I had no choice but to confront the person, but I feel a lot better that I did it.
Good luck, no matter what you decide.
Someone else's is certainly not the appropriate place to have this conversation. It is the Bride and Groom's time to be happy and share that happiness with their families, not a time to be bringing up a 30 year old issue that has never been dealt with to date.
I imagine you probably did like most, suppressed the hurt, the anger and all of the feelings involved for years, and you expressed it by being promiscuous, like you said. And then years later is when we make the correlation that certain events led to certain behaviors without us knowing it.
Even worse, is when we suppress things for so many years, that when it does rear its ugly head we end up being more angry about it and don't even know why. So while yes, it may have indeed happened years ago, we find that we never fully had closure about it, never got all of our feelings and hurt off our chest, at least not to the person in question.
If you have the strength to do it, I say pull your cousin aside and have a talk. It might be hard, but considering there may very well be other events you will find yourself in close proximity, better to get it over with now instead of trying to avoid the person the rest of your life.
Or just avoid her if that is far more comfortable to you. I didn't have that luxury, so I had no choice but to confront the person, but I feel a lot better that I did it.
Good luck, no matter what you decide.
I just cannot agree with this advice. Counter to the Jerry Springer Show or The View, there are some things simply cannot be solved by talking it out. What evidence does the OP have that the cousin is continuing in this behavior? Or, more to the point, does she remember the encounter in the same way? Will she just give the OP a blank stare and say, "What in God's name are you babbling about?" What's more, your sister's wedding would be the entirely the wrong forum for it to take place. Let's just destroy a happy day for everyone shall we? That would be the height of selfishness.
If she did, I bet you dollars to doughnuts that an ugly scene develops, the OP will get blamed for creating an incident at the sister's wedding, further ostracism occurs, old wounds are reopened, fresh wounds are created, and the OP feels even worse that she did before. Since this was DECADES ago, and the OP cannot deal with her, avoid her at the wedding and be done with it.
I should clarify that while I suggested she talk to the cousin, it would be if she needed closure and to get those feelings off her chest. It does not necessarily have to be done at this time during the wedding plans, but at some point in the future if she feels up to it.
And yes you have to be VERY careful in how you word things as well. I had to think long and hard before I approached the person, but then again I knew there was no way I could go the rest of my life avoiding the person or without saying something. The OP may feel differently than I did about it.
OP, it does not matter when, who, what, where or why, but this person took advantage of you and what you are feeling is normal and justified. Sexual abuse can have far reaching affects that can last a lifetime if not appropriately addressed. I think you should return to counseling until these issues have been appropriately addressed. It's quite possible that at the age of 11 she may have been acting out something that was done to her also, not that this excuses it. I think you really need a trained professional to help you get through this because it's very likely that you may have future encounters with this cousin again being that she and your sister are besties.
I hate to say not to attend the wedding because then your abuser wins. If anything try to avoid her as much as possible. I wouldn't even smile or look her way. If she tries to approach you, ignore her and walk away. Keep yourself as busy as possible during this time. I do think maybe one day you should confront her as that may be the only way for you to truly heal and I don't think it's fair that you've had to carry around this baggage for years to keep the peace.
I should clarify that while I suggested she talk to the cousin, it would be if she needed closure and to get those feelings off her chest. It does not necessarily have to be done at this time during the wedding plans, but at some point in the future if she feels up to it.
And yes you have to be VERY careful in how you word things as well. I had to think long and hard before I approached the person, but then again I knew there was no way I could go the rest of my life avoiding the person or without saying something. The OP may feel differently than I did about it.
What is the reason behind the "closure"? I've been part of more than one abusive situation and I never "talked" it out with anyone for any reason. There is no closure to be had deal with the situation as it was and move on and do not allow any other human control your life. It really is that simple if one would just choose to move on. Why would I keep myself miserable just because someone else made a decision that affected me, it merely means they are still in control and they won and I'll be danged if I ALLOW anyone besides myself to control my life. Every human has baggage, everyone has insecurities from time to time but to allow all of that mess to control every waking moment for 30+ years, cripes, what a waste of time and energy.
ADA = Accept the situation for what it is, Deal with it in a reasonable way and manner, Adapt to the changes it made in your life and move forward, always forward.
I agree with Missingatlanta. You need to put this into perspective. An 11 year old child sexually abused another child. Children don't abuse other children sexually unless they have been abused, usually by an adult. Normal childhood sexual curiosity or sex-play isn't necessarily related to sexual abuse, but you say that what she did to you was actual abuse, and I believe you. But in order for a child to commit such abuse, it had to come from somewhere; it does not just arise in a vacuum.
Yes, it hurt you. Yes you had long lasting effects. Because the cousin was also a child,it doesn't take away from what you went through, but it doesn't make her a sicko or a monster. Of course, she might be, we don't know, but that's only a slim chance. But I go with the odds, and it's most likely, she is a woman who, like you, has experienced sexual abuse in childhood and had to live with that affecting her for many years. On top of the trauma of being abused, she might also be dealing with life-long shame and guilt about what she in turn did to you.
Think about it: if you had an 11 year old daughter, and you just learned that your child did this to a younger child, would you be more likely to decide your daughter is a sicko and bad, or would you be more likely to think that your child had been sexually abused and has been living in pain and agony, and that this was a cry for help? Caring for and understanding your daughter would not necessarily take away from what the other little girl experienced, and you would probably want that little girl to get treatment and support. But you would also want your daughter to have that caring, treatment, and support.
I see you and your cousin as two child victims/survivors of sexual abuse by the same adult, whoever that was. Your experience was "collateral damage" and that doesn't minimize it at all. Whoever abused her is also guilty of the abuse you suffered.
I provided therapy to adults, many of whome were survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Several of the women also admitted in therapy to also having acted out against younger sisters, cousins, and playmates when they were still kids. As adult women many years later they felt intense shame and guilt about this, and often it seemed that the anguish about their own actions was as bad as or even worse than their anguish about their own abuse. I developed a great amount of empathy for people who have gone through that. I know that the people they acted out against were traumatized, but I'm sure it was nowhere near as much as my clients had been traumatized, since knowing you've hurt someone else multiplies your pain. It might be hard to understand, but this kind of acting out by a child who has been abused is not really voluntary, planned, intentional behavior. They are unconsciously acting out what happened to them in an attempt to get power over it and survive. Unfortunately, they hurt others without meaning to. nowadays, kids are encouraged all the time to report sexual abuse, and it has helped, some. But many kids hold it in and keep the secret, and acting out like this is often then only way they finally get help.
You might never be able to empathize with your cousin, but at the very least, try to look at it from this outsider's perspective, and at least see her as more of a human being. Believe it or not, getting to that point willl also have a positive effect on YOU as well.
OP, it does not matter when, who, what, where or why, but this person took advantage of you and what you are feeling is normal and justified. Sexual abuse can have far reaching affects that can last a lifetime if not appropriately addressed. I think you should return to counseling until these issues have been appropriately addressed. It's quite possible that at the age of 11 she may have been acting out something that was done to her also, not that this excuses it. I think you really need a trained professional to help you get through this because it's very likely that you may have future encounters with this cousin again being that she and your sister are besties.
I hate to say not to attend the wedding because then your abuser wins. If anything try to avoid her as much as possible. I wouldn't even smile or look her way. If she tries to approach you, ignore her and walk away. Keep yourself as busy as possible during this time. I do think maybe one day you should confront her as that may be the only way for you to truly heal and I don't think it's fair that you've had to carry around this baggage for years to keep the peace.
^^^ I completely agree with what is in bold.
Is it possible that your cousin was abused also, and the things she did to you she didn't know it was wrong since it was being done to her? Not that it is an excuse for her actions..it is all horrible. But... she might be in the same boat as you.
I gree with the others that say just avoid her and have your significant other help you avoid her the day of the wedding. But perhaps you might want to get more of an understanding some other day. I mean, if she never sought help..her kids might be at risk, or have already been abused.
It could be a great opportunity to confront. Some abusers admit and apologize. It reminds me of Mo'nique the comedienne and her confrontation of her brother. He admitted to abusing her. I think that says it all. He could have lied but he admitted it and apologized on tv no less. I'm very sorry about what she did to you, trampling your spirit and self esteem and sense of safety. I really hope this all works out for you.
Someone else's is certainly not the appropriate place to have this conversation. It is the Bride and Groom's time to be happy and share that happiness with their families, not a time to be bringing up a 30 year old issue that has never been dealt with to date.
absolutely...to the OP I would suggest just avoiding her as much as possible....confront her if you must....but AFTER the wedding some time.
While this may work, also be prepared for the possibility your cousin will deny it. If you've healed enough to handle that possibility, by all means, confronting her on it might help. But if you're not ready for it, as Miss J said, avoiding her may be better. Are you still in therapy? You may want to talk it over with your therapist.
Just to clarify my earlier post above, I don't this should be at the wedding or right before/after it even if luckygirl is ready and wants to confront her.
And I don't think the fact that this cousin is only 2 years older and also female really changes things that much. It was still traumatic and it still did damage.
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