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As some have alluded to there may very good reasons you aren't close with your relatives. Maybe your parents didn't care for their parent's much, maybe some other things no one would like to talk about?
People that came from functional families project that family is so great, and in some cases that is unfortunately far from the truth.
My family is very close so it does seem odd to me, yet I know people who haven't seen their siblings or parents for years. Your comment about not having anything in common or being able to have a conversation it's something you have to work at with older people.I always taught my children as they got older how to have a conversation with their grandparents. Ask them how have you been? Has there been much rain (older people always talk about the weather). Questions about their childhood etc. It really helped get the conversation going and the grandparents always commented on how much they enjoyed talking with our kids. The kids ended up enjoying it more than they would have thought too. I just think it's sad when families drift apart, if a family is disfunctional that is different but just not making the effort?
Ok....there are all kinds of happy stories out there about how 'adoptive' parents are so awesome and how it's not that important to find your 'real' people. This is NOT a happy story. I know my true parents names but because the ignorant selfish fools who bought (yes BOUGHT) me were so insecure and utterly horridly possessive they took my name away from me, took my sisters and brothers and forced me to think of them as Aunts and Uncles.....I want to find my roots but these horrible evil people destroyed everything they could so I would be 'theirs'.....does anyone out there know how to go about this.....I refuse to use the name they shoved down my throat...they were awful awful people and stole my identity as a child. I want the sale vacated and I want my name back....I want to know my real people....granted they did sell me out but they are my heritage....can anyone help me?
Many of these posts seem so sad to me. A good friend of mine lost a sibling who was far too young just a couple of weeks ago - they hadn't seen one another for eight years, until the diagnosis brought my friend back to our hometown to be together one last time. Now, there are regrets...
Time is short. Life is short. It seems as if it will last forever when you are twenty, but it doesn't. If your relatives are close by but you haven't seen much of them, or only have a superficial relationship, do what you can to change that. 90% of the time, you won't regret it.
If there are many years between you and your older relatives, and you seem to have little in common, invite members of the middle generation to go along with you to help "translate". Ask about what life was like when your older kinfolks were your age - where did they live? Did they ever live anywhere else? If they moved, why? Were they in college or working or doing something else when they were your age? What were their parents and siblings like? Why did they choose to go into whatever field they did? How did they meet their spouses? Where did given names come from in your family?
What was the funniest thing that ever happened in our family? What was the most memorable? What were holiday and birthday celebrations like 25, 50, and 75 years ago? What were/are their favorite foods? Did great-grandma have special recipes? Are they still in the family somewhere? Are there any old photos of your ancestors and relatives around? And letters, written documents, family autobiographies, family Bibles?
From what country or countries did our family come to the U.S.? When did they make the trip(s)?, and where did they land and live? Why did they immigrate? Did any special family traditions come with them that are still remembered and observed?
And give them time to ask you a few things, too. You don't have to ask all of these questions initially, but pick and choose whatever fits your situation, and get to know your old folks, as well as your relatives who share your own generation.
Friends can fade away - family lasts a lifetime.
I got out some very old family photos and made an album, titled 'Who ARE These People?' It was a big hit and an icebreaker at a family gathering.
Many of these posts seem so sad to me. A good friend of mine lost a sibling who was far too young just a couple of weeks ago - they hadn't seen one another for eight years, until the diagnosis brought my friend back to our hometown to be together one last time. Now, there are regrets...
Friends can fade away - family lasts a lifetime.
Well, some of us are only children. We are from divorced families. We are childless. We moved from our hometowns. We have dysfunctional families or parents with alcohol issues.
We cannot always choose the families we are born into; more parents should focus on sticking with their marriage and keeping it healthy in order to raise healthy kids with healthy parents - this would create more close-knit families. The American culture is pretty screwed in this dept.
You cannot always assume the younger/current generation is to blame for loss of family togetherness.
And to those of you who come here assuming that people who are not close to their families have serious issues - you are the ones who need to get a life, stop judging others, and realize that every family out there isn't some form of your utopian perfection, that you apparently live in.
Yep. I feel sorry for people who choose to live such impoverished lives. Families are where you come from and they are what made you who you are. And families are the ones who will have your back when no one else will. Whenever I read a post about someone estranged from his or her family, I pretty much know I'm dealing with one of several groups:
1) A drama queen. As in, "My [mother/sister/brother/father] says terrible things to me all the time, so I've stopped coming for Thanksgiving." Typically, these statements contain about 1% truth and are uttered by people who are so thin-skinned that they regard anything that isn't complete doting to be mean. Grow a freaking backbone. Love isn't always about being hugged 24/7.
2) The self-centered. As in, "I don't have anything in common with them." Oh. You mean your childhood experiences? Your life growing up? Did you magically gain consciousness the moment you began living on your own? Or could it possibly be that you are so self-absorbed that you won't spend time with anyone who doesn't think the way you do?
3) The lazy. As in, "I haven't heard from them in years." Last time I checked, the telephone makes calls as well as receives them. In other words, you expect the world to reach out to you, but you won't make the mental energy to reach out to it.
4) The judgmental. As in, "My family is so weird." Well, so what? All families are weird, and all people are weird -- including you. Trust me. You're no prize yourself. So what makes you any better than them?
Now, there are a very few exception. If you have a child molester in the family who made you his victim, then avoid the family gatherings by all means.
This is a perfect example of what I spoke about above. How judgmental of you.
Ok....there are all kinds of happy stories out there about how 'adoptive' parents are so awesome and how it's not that important to find your 'real' people. This is NOT a happy story. I know my true parents names but because the ignorant selfish fools who bought (yes BOUGHT) me were so insecure and utterly horridly possessive they took my name away from me, took my sisters and brothers and forced me to think of them as Aunts and Uncles.....I want to find my roots but these horrible evil people destroyed everything they could so I would be 'theirs'.....does anyone out there know how to go about this.....I refuse to use the name they shoved down my throat...they were awful awful people and stole my identity as a child. I want the sale vacated and I want my name back....I want to know my real people....granted they did sell me out but they are my heritage....can anyone help me?
You can always change your name. If your bio parents are out of the country it will be difficult, but not impossible. I have a friend that found her bio mom in Korea over 25 years after she was adopted.
Keep in mind the sale took more than than a "purchase" - your bio mother/parents were part of the transaction. Would hate for you to be disappointed, and not be able to move on as an adult.
I want the sale vacated and I want my name back....I want to know my real people....granted they did sell me out but they are my heritage....can anyone help me?
I've encountered a number of adoptees and those who are the result of sperm donors there in the forums. However, be warned that the test is a long shot as you are hoping that a close blood relative has also chosen to take the DNA test there or may do so in the future.
I took the test for genealogy purposes last November. It connected me to about 700 DNA relatives. However almost all were 4th and 5th cousins. The closest match was a 3rd cousin. That was fine for my purposes though but wouldn't help to find a birth family. Other testers have found closer matches though and a few lucky ones have had responses from a parent or sibling. Again, I repeat, it is a long shot.
It's not really odd. I was never close to much of anyone in my family, and in our family, "extended family" rarely ever came together. I was actually closer to my grandparents than my own parents or sibling. And once I was on my own, my parents very rarely have even checked up on me. Over the years, they might call me once a year, and there were years where the only reason we even spoke was because I called once or twice just to see if they were ok. Apparently some people just don't have the ability to have close relationships, I guess.
Oddly, I've re-connected with a few cousins/aunts via Facebook, but I don't live near any of my family. My own kids do know my parents, but their other grandparents have NEVER met them, and they're 6 years old. Those grandparents live off (separately) in other cities, but you'd think they would show some interest in their blood-related grandchildren. So my kids will grow up really never knowing their grandparents, other than memories of my parents visiting them a few times.
I was always kind of jealous of close families since I never got that. The big gatherings, close bonds... I had none of that.
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I was totally ripped off
