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Old 03-05-2013, 09:26 AM
 
2,677 posts, read 3,938,009 times
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I live in FLA and am planning a trip to NJ to see my Mom for Mother's Day. I haven't bought the tickets yet. I emailed my Mom about my plans and she said "yes, come, seeing you would be the best birthday present or mother's day present etc etc." My Mom and I aren't really close, but as she's getting older she's trying a little harder and I've grown up to put our problems behind us. Her birthday is the last week in March.

So I get an email from my stepdad today addressed to me and my older brother asking us to split the purchase of a ski helmet for her $160. Here are my issues:

(1) I am already planning to go see her and that will run me $200. My brother was also supposed to come but is not coming because he can't take the time off and they are going to see him in Colorado (mind you they never come to see me).

(2) I don't think my brother will chip in.

(3) I don't want to. If I get her a gift, I want to get her something I want to get her and I'm already going down there.

(4) I really don't have the extra money. My DP are on a strict budget this year. We are trying for a baby, trying to be more aggressive with our bills (I'm on track to pay off my car this year) etc. The only reason I have enough money for the ticket is because I got a credit card reward to pay for most of it.

Mostly, I'm just sick of him doing this. He's always asking to chip in for gifts for her. Mind you, my parents combined make about 5 times more than I do. Honestly, I just don't have the money, I'm already going to see her and I hate when he does this. What's the most PC way to handle this? No matter what reason I give him, I'll get a huge guilt trip from him and I hate that.
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Old 03-05-2013, 09:37 AM
 
819 posts, read 1,389,886 times
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Just tell him that you've already purchased something that you think your mom will love.
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Old 03-05-2013, 10:01 AM
 
Location: Simmering in DFW
6,948 posts, read 19,909,993 times
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Don't feel guilty. I hereby relieve you of ALL guilt!!!
Just tell him sorry and that as you get older you have come to realize the best thing you can give her this year is the visit -- which is already going to extend your budget to the max. Say you are excited about the visit and can't wait to see him either!
'nuff said.
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Old 03-05-2013, 10:07 AM
 
3,321 posts, read 3,115,883 times
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Both posters' answers are good ones.

Don't fall into a guilt trip about it. You have other obligations to satisfy and your stepfather isn't one of them. You wrote that you don't think your brother will chip in, so why would you feel that you have to? Rather than splitting the cost 3 ways, if he doesn't chip in, the cost would be split 2 ways making it more difficult to swing the amount. If your stepfather can't afford the helmet on his own, then he has the choice to think of another gift idea for your mom.

My ex-husband used to watch the Simpson's and (for some reason) this reminds of the episode when Homer bought Marge a bowling ball for her birthday with his name on it. LOL
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Old 03-05-2013, 10:28 AM
 
4,557 posts, read 9,899,297 times
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The only way you'll have a guilt trip is if YOU allow it. You are already doing something WAY nicer than a ski helmet. So don't feel bad one second!

As others mentioned, just say you are already planning the trip and that your budget doesn't allow for more.
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Old 03-05-2013, 12:27 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 68,237,911 times
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Do NOT make any excuses such as you have a budget, etc.

Just say "Sorry. I have already purchased a gift" and leave it at that.

If you are asked, "what did you get" just say - why would you want to ruin the surprise?

Do not get into a discussion about it. Just keep saying "It's a surprise" . . . and if you keep getting harrassed, ask "Why are you making my gift to my mother into an issue?"
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Old 03-05-2013, 02:22 PM
 
2,677 posts, read 3,938,009 times
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Thanks everyone. I guess I'm feeling this way because he was very intimidating to me as a child and I've always tried to please both him and my mother. I still have issues with saying NO obviously. Just irritates me that he just asks like that, especially since I'm already going to visit.
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Old 03-05-2013, 02:57 PM
 
Location: Noblesville, IN
3,761 posts, read 4,211,348 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar View Post
Thanks everyone. I guess I'm feeling this way because he was very intimidating to me as a child and I've always tried to please both him and my mother. I still have issues with saying NO obviously. Just irritates me that he just asks like that, especially since I'm already going to visit.
If he asks you again say "Am I not enough?"

If he gives you the guilt, you could always say "It sounds like you want to buy her that helmet. I support your choice."

Like the other post, do NOT offer any excuses. If you start to feel intimidated, just breath and don't answer. Whatever he throws at you, just keep in mind that you are an adult. I know this is VERY difficult to remember when a parent is STILL YOUR PARENT. I know it sounds stupid, but at my age, I still get worked up over my parents' "tricks". So, I won't respond to their games, I only respond to legitimate questions and I don't play games (something my parents love to do). Remember that you're in charge so if he gets upset, that's ON HIM.

Good luck, friend.
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Old 03-05-2013, 03:00 PM
 
35,107 posts, read 41,702,729 times
Reputation: 62166
Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar View Post
I live in FLA and am planning a trip to NJ to see my Mom for Mother's Day. I haven't bought the tickets yet. I emailed my Mom about my plans and she said "yes, come, seeing you would be the best birthday present or mother's day present etc etc." My Mom and I aren't really close, but as she's getting older she's trying a little harder and I've grown up to put our problems behind us. Her birthday is the last week in March.

So I get an email from my stepdad today addressed to me and my older brother asking us to split the purchase of a ski helmet for her $160. Here are my issues:

(1) I am already planning to go see her and that will run me $200. My brother was also supposed to come but is not coming because he can't take the time off and they are going to see him in Colorado (mind you they never come to see me).

(2) I don't think my brother will chip in.

(3) I don't want to. If I get her a gift, I want to get her something I want to get her and I'm already going down there.

(4) I really don't have the extra money. My DP are on a strict budget this year. We are trying for a baby, trying to be more aggressive with our bills (I'm on track to pay off my car this year) etc. The only reason I have enough money for the ticket is because I got a credit card reward to pay for most of it.

Mostly, I'm just sick of him doing this. He's always asking to chip in for gifts for her. Mind you, my parents combined make about 5 times more than I do. Honestly, I just don't have the money, I'm already going to see her and I hate when he does this. What's the most PC way to handle this? No matter what reason I give him, I'll get a huge guilt trip from him and I hate that.
Why in the world would you worry about being politically correct when it comes to a gift for your own Mother? Who the hades cares what step dad thinks, get her what you can afford and move on and you do NOT owe him an explaination as to why you have done something.
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Old 03-05-2013, 06:02 PM
 
13,341 posts, read 21,400,151 times
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Tell him to buy the helmet, you're sure it will be appreciated. But, it won't be. The ski season is over at the end of March.
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