U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Covid-19 Information Page
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-22-2013, 03:36 PM
 
Location: Southern California
6,627 posts, read 8,964,246 times
Reputation: 6663

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Royalite View Post
Then the problem's you because you keep associating with depressed people. If you start noticing patterns in new people you're interacting with, then set up healthy distance and do something different. Stop welcoming them in. You're not responsible for their depression, but you are responsible for how you interact with these people and you need to change the way you do so.

Healthy detachment.
I completely agree. OK, putting up with your depressed mother is one thing because she's your mother, but with ALL these other depressed people that you speak of, YOU have control whether you keep them in your life or not. So don't keep them in your life, then complain about how everyone you know is so depressed & you're so sick of it. All this depression will take a toll on you too, if it hasn't already.

FREE YOURSELF from all these losers like you say. It's NOT your job to console them, give them pointers to feel better, etc. That's what therapists are pid to do.

There's no way in the short life that we all have, that I would get together with friends only to hear their most recent sob story. Yes, I realize people can't be happy & chipper 24/7, but if all they talk to me about is sad, bad, angry, negative news & never are in the mood to do fun things, I don't have to put up with that. You deserve to surround yourself with positive, happy people!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-22-2013, 10:26 PM
 
Location: Up North
3,410 posts, read 7,891,658 times
Reputation: 3066
Imcurious: I find your point of view interesting.


For those asking me why I am friends with these people or telling me I attract these people: this thread is about only two people, my two closest friends who I have known for 10+ years & 15+ years. We were friends as children & teenagers and they were never depressed then. I am still friends with them because I care about them.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I like the idea of barely responding to negative things they say and then engaging with them when they have something positive or neutral to say. Great idea!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-22-2013, 10:34 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 11,398,075 times
Reputation: 8956
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pear Martini View Post
Imcurious: I find your point of view interesting.


For those asking me why I am friends with these people or telling me I attract these people: this thread is about only two people, my two closest friends who I have known for 10+ years & 15+ years. We were friends as children & teenagers and they were never depressed then. I am still friends with them because I care about them.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I like the idea of barely responding to negative things they say and then engaging with them when they have something positive or neutral to say. Great idea!
I missed this advice, but think it is great. You don't have to respond at all to the negative things - look blank, change the subject, get up to go the bathroom, yawn, check your phone - then change the subject to something positive - or say "I would rather focus on the positive." You will be retraining them on how to be with you - you can always say, "I prefer to focus on positive stuff." If you say it enough times, they will stop complaining to you.

On the subject of complaining . . . there is a video on YouTube of a woman who quit complaining for a month . . . I think Lilou Mace interviewed her . . . It is a great story of how she got her entire family to change by changing herself. I will see if I can find it.

Edit: Found it! Enjoy!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tW8yVNsq0TI

Last edited by imcurious; 05-22-2013 at 10:43 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-22-2013, 10:59 PM
 
12,539 posts, read 13,195,993 times
Reputation: 28925
I'm not going to read through this entire thread because I sense it will irritate the pants off me. If you've taken exception with the OP, good, I agree.

But Pear, you sure as heck did a great job of whining, yourself, with that rant. How about a little compassion? Just a little. Just a wee bit. Just a wee. And if you can't find it in yourself to have some, then back away from your friends, because honestly? The last thing they need is your seething impatience.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-23-2013, 01:18 AM
 
Location: Europe, in the Land of the mean
956 posts, read 1,597,664 times
Reputation: 675
She's ranting because THEY have been at it for TOO LONG. I really can't understand how you can lump both groups of people together- the actual problem folks with the ''fed-uppers''- reasonable ' huh?!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-30-2013, 10:51 PM
 
Location: Up North
3,410 posts, read 7,891,658 times
Reputation: 3066
Here is my update. This thread is about 2 of my friends. 1 best friend and 1 long time friend.


The best friend is on my last nerve. I'm ready to tell this ***** off. Today we are hanging out, I drive her to Target to get some ****. While I'm driving her home she said "Sometimes I wonder why you're always happy. Don't feel like you have to do that around me".

I was like WTF? I'm in a good mood and you assume I'm full of ****.


Now, its 12:30am and this ***** calls me saying "Oh my god. I just smoked weed. I didn't want to but girl 1 and girl 2 were".

I'm silent waiting for why she wants to talk to me past midnight on a Thursday. No reason but she wanted to tell me she drank in a park and smoked weed with a 19 year old and some hoe who sleeps with married men.

I said "Okay, well if there is no reason for this call I'm going to get off the phone now because its 12:30 at night".

What I really wanted to say was "Do you have no backbone? You say you don't want to smoke pot and haven't in years. You sound like a retard. What other drugs will you do if they're offered to you. Do you only hang out with me because I make myself available because it seems you will keep the company of any ******* that passes your way!"

I'm so pissed at this duumb *****.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-30-2013, 10:56 PM
 
1,765 posts, read 2,578,864 times
Reputation: 1541
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pear Martini View Post
Here is my update. This thread is about 2 of my friends. 1 best friend and 1 long time friend.


The best friend is on my last nerve. I'm ready to tell this ***** off. Today we are hanging out, I drive her to Target to get some ****. While I'm driving her home she said "Sometimes I wonder why you're always happy. Don't feel like you have to do that around me".

I was like WTF? I'm in a good mood and you assume I'm full of ****.


Now, its 12:30am and this ***** calls me saying "Oh my god. I just smoked weed. I didn't want to but girl 1 and girl 2 were".

I'm silent waiting for why she wants to talk to me past midnight on a Thursday. No reason but she wanted to tell me she drank in a park and smoked weed with a 19 year old and some hoe who sleeps with married men.

I said "Okay, well if there is no reason for this call I'm going to get off the phone now because its 12:30 at night".

What I really wanted to say was "Do you have no backbone? You say you don't want to smoke pot and haven't in years. You sound like a retard. What other drugs will you do if they're offered to you. Do you only hang out with me because I make myself available because it seems you will keep the company of any ******* that passes your way!"

I'm so pissed at this duumb *****.
Stop complaining Pear Martini. If you're not willing to make a change then you're really no different from the people you're complaining about. You're actually doing the same thing they are to us.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-30-2013, 11:11 PM
 
Location: Up North
3,410 posts, read 7,891,658 times
Reputation: 3066
Quote:
Originally Posted by Royalite View Post
Stop complaining Pear Martini. If you're not willing to make a change then you're really no different from the people you're complaining about. You're actually doing the same thing they are to us.

How am I doing the same thing they are?

I come here for support and your response is "stop complaining". Why did you even bother to post anything at all?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2013, 06:36 AM
 
26,763 posts, read 25,805,431 times
Reputation: 16489
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pear Martini View Post
I am so fed up with the depressed people in my life. I have been around depressed people all my life.
Growing up, my mother was depressed. Now my best friend from high school, who I am still best friends with is depressed. My other good friend behaves like she is depressed.

I am sick of playing counselor. I am sick of going out of my way to get lunch with one of these depressed people only to deal with their constant bad mood, sad mood, bitching, possible tears, or weirdness from meds.

I thought it was general DECENCY to arrive at most social engagements in a positive mood.

I can't even introduce these people to normal folks who either hide their depression when in social settings or cope with their issues like most people do. These depressed people are horrible company.

ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE THIS! We live up North so everyone here gets prone to depression in the winter but this is all of my girl friends. My only non depressed people in my life are select family members and my boyfriend.


My boyfriend was depressed for a few months two years ago. He is the only one I am close to who can control himself.


These depressed victim-types have no respect for themselves or others. They are the most selfish people in the world. They usually have food, shelter, and clothing provided to them and barely have to work to get by but they are still depressed.

They are horrible company. There is always one crisis, drama, or something else. I have to play social worker and counselor every time I want to have a fun girls day.

Actually, fun laid back girl time doesn't exist. Its more like there will be tears at some point, a major "boyfriend" problem, complaining about her mother who helps her more than most would with her "disabilities" (A 23 year old needs to take accountability for herself and stop blaming mommy), her weird affect which I assume is from the 3 or 4 meds she is on, and when I try to correct her behavior (her boyfriend is a dope dealer who lives over 2,000 miles away and I disapprove or her open disrespect to her mother where I also disapprove) she gets mean and bitchy to me.

They talk about the heavy meds they are on almost everytime we hang out, which brings down the mood.

They act weird and out of it BECAUSE of their meds.

They act like victims constantly and no one can be really honest with them because EVERYONE knows they're on the edge of acting out of drama for attention like the adult children they are.

They bring low life men into their lives because the have low self confidence, leaving me to pick up the mess.

They don't take care of their looks, rarely washing hair and never wearing make up. Then they get jealous when I get all the attention and just want to "go home because I wasn't ready to get pretty". YOU ARE NEVER PRETTY! YOU HAVE POOR HYGENE & PEOPLE AROUND YOU ARE AFRAID IF THEY TELL YOU IT WILL SEND YOU OVER THE EDGE!!!

They arrive to social engagements in a bad or sad mood and whoever is there has to take care of them (I have to take care of them).

They are constantly blaming their generous & families for every little mental and real problem they have in life even when approaching 30.

My boyfriend's childhood friends up here are like this. These grown baby men who are in their late 20s are even worse. They either drink too much or pick fights when they go out.

Depressed people in their 20s are basically walking liabilities who blame their depression, ADD, and lack of "time management skills" on everyone but themselves. They probably have never held down any job for more than 3 months.

You won't see middle class and lower middle class people at the community college I went to in Florida acting this way. My friends from their were happy and well adjusted even if they worked full-time and went to school.

To show my bias: I actually grew up UPPER MIDDLE CLASS and I notice this about my childhood friends. But when I go into a lower income/class area I notice everyone is happier. I am not talking ghetto, I'm talking about South Florida regular suburbs.

But its they spoiled upper middle class whiners that have no idea how good they have it and how pathetic they look to the rest of the world!!!


I am so fed up! I'm a 24 year old commuter student so my classes aren't really conducive to making new friends. But I need new friends. It is so hard for me to have to rely on mostly depressed emotionally weak, spoiled, invalid personalities for my socializing.
People like this are emotional vampires...they will suck you dry if you allow them to....
I would definately cut them off, and by posting this tells me, you want to but your looking for approval to do so.
I would ask myself why you gravitate towards people like this...you are actually enabling them...more so then they are making your life negative...
You are the person in charge, you get to pick your friends, they do not pick you.
Don't come back and make excuses as to why you allow them in your life, to defend yourself, you don't have to...just change your life....period....
only you can do that....no one else...it's your life, your choice, and remember, always, we are a product of our choices.
sending hugs
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2013, 07:10 AM
 
1,765 posts, read 2,578,864 times
Reputation: 1541
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pear Martini View Post
How am I doing the same thing they are?

I come here for support and your response is "stop complaining". Why did you even bother to post anything at all?
I posted before. Do you realize these people are also looking for support from you but you're so burnt out you can't give it to them and the thing is you aren't willing to distance from them because youve known them for years so now youre comPlaining just like you say they are. Really and truly, the only person who can change your corcumstances is you. So change it. Many suggestions posted above. Of one fails, try another.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top