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Old 05-31-2013, 07:16 AM
 
Location: Bel Air, California
22,369 posts, read 23,662,375 times
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Try this experiment, dump all of your old depressed friends and make friends with a new group of happy and upbeat people. Wait several months and then check back with your old friends and see if they are now happy. If they are, check in with your new friends and see if they are now feeling depressed.
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Old 05-31-2013, 09:36 AM
 
Location: Canada
4,526 posts, read 3,098,871 times
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I am always amazed when people expect other people to be mind readers. If other people don't know their behavior towards you is bothering you, they have no reason to change that behavior.

For example, instead of stewing that your friend called you after midnight for no good reason, tell your friend never to do that again. Better still, tell her you won't answer the phone if she does. If she's in an emergency situation, she should call 9-1-1. Becoming upset and complaining that she called solved nothing. Telling her not to call in future after midnight solves the problem.
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Old 05-31-2013, 11:48 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
16,014 posts, read 8,812,418 times
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I used to attract weak needy people. Somehow that got replaced by being a kid magnet. Ever so much more fun!! I don't know why that phase in my life ended but I'm grateful. I hope it's just a phase for you as well.
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Old 06-05-2013, 06:41 PM
 
Location: Up North
3,410 posts, read 7,891,658 times
Reputation: 3066
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
People like this are emotional vampires...they will suck you dry if you allow them to....
I would definately cut them off, and by posting this tells me, you want to but your looking for approval to do so.
I would ask myself why you gravitate towards people like this...you are actually enabling them...more so then they are making your life negative...
You are the person in charge, you get to pick your friends, they do not pick you.
Don't come back and make excuses as to why you allow them in your life, to defend yourself, you don't have to...just change your life....period....
only you can do that....no one else...it's your life, your choice, and remember, always, we are a product of our choices.
sending hugs
Thanks. Luckily, one of them went out of town recently for the summer and the other one I haven't seen in a month now. I wonder if these types of people can qualify as "toxic" friends.

I'm going to try to focus more on my studies and my family for now

Quote:
Originally Posted by animalcrazy View Post
I used to attract weak needy people. Somehow that got replaced by being a kid magnet. Ever so much more fun!! I don't know why that phase in my life ended but I'm grateful. I hope it's just a phase for you as well.
Its weird, I feel like I attract those people to! My boyfriend isn't needy or weak but everyone else in my life is. I wonder why?
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Old 11-17-2014, 01:26 AM
 
Location: where you sip the tea of the breasts of the spinsters of Utica
8,299 posts, read 12,671,218 times
Reputation: 8058
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pear Martini View Post
.......

I am so fed up! I'm a 24 year old commuter student so my classes aren't really conducive to making new friends. But I need new friends. It is so hard for me to have to rely on mostly depressed emotionally weak, spoiled, invalid personalities for my socializing.
Well, it's never going to be easier to get new friends than in college, so try to stay late for social groups or events. Do ride sharing.

I haven't read through the thread because it makes me so SAD, but if your friends improve markedly during the sunny season, they probably have the winter blues. Encourage them to order up some Seasonal Affective Disorder spectrum lights.
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Old 11-19-2014, 07:29 AM
 
Location: The Jar
20,068 posts, read 15,342,888 times
Reputation: 36894
Sadly, there is much truth in this modern saying:

"We teach people how to treat us and how to interact with us."

Here's what they think of YOU:

You're a sympathetic ear. You care. You have all the time in the world to listen. You like to listen to, and you like, them.

They don't realize that deep inside you are stewing. They don't realize that you really hate it all and are fed up with their crap.

If you don't jump ship now, you're going to explode! Guess who will be the eternal bad guy/gal?

Yeah, forget all those times you listened, helped, etc. You blow, and it's bad guy label for YOU... forever.

Don't make time for these people. Suddenly, you are unavailable, capiche?
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Old 11-19-2014, 08:19 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
53,117 posts, read 41,713,096 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pear Martini View Post
I am so fed up with the depressed people in my life. I have been around depressed people all my life.
Growing up, my mother was depressed. Now my best friend from high school, who I am still best friends with is depressed. My other good friend behaves like she is depressed.

I am sick of playing counselor. I am sick of going out of my way to get lunch with one of these depressed people only to deal with their constant bad mood, sad mood, bitching, possible tears, or weirdness from meds.

I thought it was general DECENCY to arrive at most social engagements in a positive mood.

I can't even introduce these people to normal folks who either hide their depression when in social settings or cope with their issues like most people do. These depressed people are horrible company.

ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE THIS! We live up North so everyone here gets prone to depression in the winter but this is all of my girl friends. My only non depressed people in my life are select family members and my boyfriend.


My boyfriend was depressed for a few months two years ago. He is the only one I am close to who can control himself.


These depressed victim-types have no respect for themselves or others. They are the most selfish people in the world. They usually have food, shelter, and clothing provided to them and barely have to work to get by but they are still depressed.

They are horrible company. There is always one crisis, drama, or something else. I have to play social worker and counselor every time I want to have a fun girls day.

Actually, fun laid back girl time doesn't exist. Its more like there will be tears at some point, a major "boyfriend" problem, complaining about her mother who helps her more than most would with her "disabilities" (A 23 year old needs to take accountability for herself and stop blaming mommy), her weird affect which I assume is from the 3 or 4 meds she is on, and when I try to correct her behavior (her boyfriend is a dope dealer who lives over 2,000 miles away and I disapprove or her open disrespect to her mother where I also disapprove) she gets mean and bitchy to me.

They talk about the heavy meds they are on almost everytime we hang out, which brings down the mood.

They act weird and out of it BECAUSE of their meds.

They act like victims constantly and no one can be really honest with them because EVERYONE knows they're on the edge of acting out of drama for attention like the adult children they are.

They bring low life men into their lives because the have low self confidence, leaving me to pick up the mess.

They don't take care of their looks, rarely washing hair and never wearing make up. Then they get jealous when I get all the attention and just want to "go home because I wasn't ready to get pretty". YOU ARE NEVER PRETTY! YOU HAVE POOR HYGENE & PEOPLE AROUND YOU ARE AFRAID IF THEY TELL YOU IT WILL SEND YOU OVER THE EDGE!!!

They arrive to social engagements in a bad or sad mood and whoever is there has to take care of them (I have to take care of them).

They are constantly blaming their generous & families for every little mental and real problem they have in life even when approaching 30.

My boyfriend's childhood friends up here are like this. These grown baby men who are in their late 20s are even worse. They either drink too much or pick fights when they go out.

Depressed people in their 20s are basically walking liabilities who blame their depression, ADD, and lack of "time management skills" on everyone but themselves. They probably have never held down any job for more than 3 months.

You won't see middle class and lower middle class people at the community college I went to in Florida acting this way. My friends from their were happy and well adjusted even if they worked full-time and went to school.

To show my bias: I actually grew up UPPER MIDDLE CLASS and I notice this about my childhood friends. But when I go into a lower income/class area I notice everyone is happier. I am not talking ghetto, I'm talking about South Florida regular suburbs.

But its they spoiled upper middle class whiners that have no idea how good they have it and how pathetic they look to the rest of the world!!!


I am so fed up! I'm a 24 year old commuter student so my classes aren't really conducive to making new friends. But I need new friends. It is so hard for me to have to rely on mostly depressed emotionally weak, spoiled, invalid personalities for my socializing.
Long story short:

1. You had to deal with your mother's depression growing up. You probably have some emotional baggage associated with growing up in this environment. You also learned coping mechanisms that are probably not healthy. Basically what you're doing is sending out messages to other depressed people that "you are prepared to tolerate them," when they know full well that most people AREN'T. Yes, you have an invisible mark on you that's obvious to people who are like your mother. Just like people who grew up in abusive homes are easy marks for adult abusers - you are an easy mark for depressed, dysfunctional people.

2. I recommend that you get some counseling. No, I don't think you're crazy, and I don't think you need a psychiatrist. But you would probably benefit greatly from a few sessions with a life coach or a psychologist, to help you sort through some of your default behaviors that are deeply ingrained from growing up with a depressed mother. At the very least, you need to read a couple of books:

"The Road Less Traveled" and "People of the Lie" by M Scott Peck.
and
"Codependent No More" - (can't remember the author but it's a great book)

3. Why am I recommending that you work on yourself when clearly these other people have the most serious problems? Because you can't fix them - you can only fix yourself. You need to learn how to remove that invisible X on your forehead that makes you a sitting duck for these energy suckers. You need to learn how to establish healthy boundaries in your life. When you get that figured out (and I promise, it takes self discipline but it's not unreasonably difficult), you will easily be able to identify these people BEFORE they gain a foot hold in your life, and you will be able to maintain healthy boundaries with the people already in your life.

They won't like it and they probably won't like you. You will experience their anger, their tears, their tantrums at first. The vast majority of them will probably fade from your life. Those who don't, you may have to put out of your life. But you may be pleasantly surprised by a few of them. Some people simply have never been EXPOSED to healthy boundaries - it's a new concept to them. Once they recognize them, they may respect them - and then not only is your life much improved, theirs can be as well.

I don't think you need to invest a lot of energy into these "friends" of yours, but your family members can possibly benefit greatly from a stronger "you."

Please let me know your thoughts! You are an asset to this forum and I enjoy reading your posts. I sincerely hope you can find some long term solutions to this issue in your life.
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Old 11-19-2014, 08:58 AM
 
28,904 posts, read 48,419,371 times
Reputation: 46200
The common denominator in all those relationships is you.

Snap out of it. You can't do much about your mother, but you can do something about everything else. When it comes to your boyfriends, quit picking these mopey guys, and quit enabling them. Because if you keep dating the same kind of guy over and over again, then it's your own damned fault.

What's more, the first time a guy goes to a social occasion and acts like a moody, self-absorbed youknowwhat, it's his fault. The second time he does it, it's your fault because you allowed it to go unchecked the first time. If these guys really behave like this during the first fifteen minutes of a party, you have every right to drag him outside and say, "You are embarrassing me in front of my friends. Either shape up your attitude and behave like an adult or take me home right now." And if he doesn't correct his attitude, then follow through on your threat.

If your best friend is constantly whining about her life, you need to decide whether she should be your friend anymore. That doesn't mean that you abandon friends who are going through a rough patch. But if your friend is just using you as your counselor while she refuses to change anything about her life, then you are really allowing it. You need to say, "Nancy, I'm your friend. So I'm going to be a friend to you and tell you the awful truth. You are making bad decisions in your life, and one of those decisions is moping around like this all the time. It's really beginning to bring me down, and I'm your best friend in the world."

Hey, I get it. Clinical depression is a medical condition. My father had it, and it was hellish for those around him. But the large majority of people who claim to have depression issues do not have it. They're self-diagnosed in order to justify not doing what they need to do in life. Getting yourself off the sofa and doing something about your life is usually the best way to combat feeling low.

If you're driving into campus every day and having a hard time meeting people, then find some extracurricular activities to do. Colleges are filled to the rafters with groups to meet every single kind of interest. Their flyers are tacked up on the bulletin boards on just about every hallway in every building. All you have to do is take a couple of minutes to look it over and pick one that sounds appealing. And when you go, you'll find people there who have something in common with you. What's more, you'll likely be meeting people with enough energy and enthusiasm to try new and different things. So you've automatically eliminated 95% of the moody, depressed nitwits out there.

There. Our session is over. Please pay Bertha at the receptionist's desk as you leave.

Last edited by cpg35223; 11-19-2014 at 09:15 AM..
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Old 11-19-2014, 09:27 AM
 
Location: North Oakland
9,154 posts, read 9,177,597 times
Reputation: 14390
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pear Martini View Post
Here is my update. This thread is about 2 of my friends. 1 best friend and 1 long time friend.


The best friend is on my last nerve. I'm ready to tell this ***** off. Today we are hanging out, I drive her to Target to get some ****. While I'm driving her home she said "Sometimes I wonder why you're always happy. Don't feel like you have to do that around me".

I was like WTF? I'm in a good mood and you assume I'm full of ****.


Now, its 12:30am and this ***** calls me saying "Oh my god. I just smoked weed. I didn't want to but girl 1 and girl 2 were".

I'm silent waiting for why she wants to talk to me past midnight on a Thursday. No reason but she wanted to tell me she drank in a park and smoked weed with a 19 year old and some hoe who sleeps with married men.

I said "Okay, well if there is no reason for this call I'm going to get off the phone now because its 12:30 at night".

What I really wanted to say was "Do you have no backbone? You say you don't want to smoke pot and haven't in years. You sound like a retard. What other drugs will you do if they're offered to you. Do you only hang out with me because I make myself available because it seems you will keep the company of any ******* that passes your way!"

I'm so pissed at this duumb *****.
This post seals it for me. I'd rather be friends with your friends than have a "friend" like you. Their negativity can't be worse than yours.
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Old 11-19-2014, 09:53 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
53,117 posts, read 41,713,096 times
Reputation: 73942
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
The common denominator in all those relationships is you.

Snap out of it. You can't do much about your mother, but you can do something about everything else. When it comes to your boyfriends, quit picking these mopey guys, and quit enabling them. Because if you keep dating the same kind of guy over and over again, then it's your own damned fault.

What's more, the first time a guy goes to a social occasion and acts like a moody, self-absorbed youknowwhat, it's his fault. The second time he does it, it's your fault because you allowed it to go unchecked the first time. If these guys really behave like this during the first fifteen minutes of a party, you have every right to drag him outside and say, "You are embarrassing me in front of my friends. Either shape up your attitude and behave like an adult or take me home right now." And if he doesn't correct his attitude, then follow through on your threat.

If your best friend is constantly whining about her life, you need to decide whether she should be your friend anymore. That doesn't mean that you abandon friends who are going through a rough patch. But if your friend is just using you as your counselor while she refuses to change anything about her life, then you are really allowing it. You need to say, "Nancy, I'm your friend. So I'm going to be a friend to you and tell you the awful truth. You are making bad decisions in your life, and one of those decisions is moping around like this all the time. It's really beginning to bring me down, and I'm your best friend in the world."

Hey, I get it. Clinical depression is a medical condition. My father had it, and it was hellish for those around him. But the large majority of people who claim to have depression issues do not have it. They're self-diagnosed in order to justify not doing what they need to do in life. Getting yourself off the sofa and doing something about your life is usually the best way to combat feeling low.

If you're driving into campus every day and having a hard time meeting people, then find some extracurricular activities to do. Colleges are filled to the rafters with groups to meet every single kind of interest. Their flyers are tacked up on the bulletin boards on just about every hallway in every building. All you have to do is take a couple of minutes to look it over and pick one that sounds appealing. And when you go, you'll find people there who have something in common with you. What's more, you'll likely be meeting people with enough energy and enthusiasm to try new and different things. So you've automatically eliminated 95% of the moody, depressed nitwits out there.

There. Our session is over. Please pay Bertha at the receptionist's desk as you leave.
This is GREAT advice!

All I'd add to it is that in order for the OP to actually identify what's "in her" that attracts these people, she may need some outside help in the form of a few counseling sessions or at least reading a few books on the topics of codependency, enabling, and personal boundaries. I think this journey of introspection is CRITICAL to success when dealing with the sort of people she's describing (or any other sort of negative pattern we see when it comes to people who become parts of our lives).

Your point that SHE is the common denominator is right on target.
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