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Over all the friendship is great with mutual respect. But a few times she has gotten very angry
when I set a boundary that was reasonable and important to me . She always sees these situations as me being unreasonable and controlling and her the victim.
These were clear reasonable boundaries that were respectfully conveyed to her.
I can let it go because it doesn't happen often and I do not give in to her angry reactions.
But I am wondering if there is any way to discuss it with her and help her see
her habit of doing that.
You told her but she's still upset by your boundaries? I don't know she'll be receptive to your bringing it up...do you think she's hurt as opposed to angry??
Your decision is about you more than about her...perhaps you can let her know this. There's not something she's wrong about, she just needs to learn your
basic needs...
It is no one big thing or we would have to resolve it in order for me to spend time with her.
Just things over the years..
One time she was texting while driving and I asked her to stop that it was scaring me.
She ignored my repeated requests and then got really angry and screamed at me, saying that I was nagging her.
She did stop texting because I told her to let me out of the car if she wanted to continue.
Years later she still sees that whole incident as me nagging and being controlling.
To me it is clearly a boundary that I do not ride with anyone that I think is driving dangerous.
If she wanted to keep texting and driving that was fine, but it wasn't going to be with me in the car with her.
I never got angry, I just did not give in to her.
It is no one big thing or we would have to resolve it in order for me to spend time with her.
Just things over the years..
One time she was texting while driving and I asked her to stop that it was scaring me.
She ignored my repeated requests and then got really angry and screamed at me, saying that I was nagging her.
She did stop texting because I told her to let me out of the car if she wanted to continue.
Years later she still sees that whole incident as me nagging and being controlling.
To me it is clearly a boundary that I do not ride with anyone that I think is driving dangerous.
If she wanted to keep texting and driving that was fine, but it wasn't going to be with me in the car with her.
I never got angry, I just did not give in to her.
Texting and driving is illegal and highly dangerous. If she is too selfish or uncaring to see that, she's not someone you really want to have as a friend. The fact that she got mad at you for refusing to allow it when you were in the car shows that she thinks her texting is more important than your life. (Not to mention, does she think that you are so boring that she'd rather text someone else when she's with you?)
Eventually this person is going to pay the price for her actions. If she's lucky, it'll just be a traffic ticket. But it could be a whole lot worse. Don't let yourself be caught with her when it does happen.
Sounds like a spoiled 3,4,5 year old whose parents...well, spoil her and she wants to do what she wants. She doesn't see risk, propriety, danger as they are.
It is no one big thing or we would have to resolve it in order for me to spend time with her.
Just things over the years..
One time she was texting while driving and I asked her to stop that it was scaring me.
She ignored my repeated requests and then got really angry and screamed at me, saying that I was nagging her.
She did stop texting because I told her to let me out of the car if she wanted to continue.
Years later she still sees that whole incident as me nagging and being controlling.
To me it is clearly a boundary that I do not ride with anyone that I think is driving dangerous.
If she wanted to keep texting and driving that was fine, but it wasn't going to be with me in the car with her.
I never got angry, I just did not give in to her.
Hum not sure talking to her will work because she would I imagine get defensive and then cycle back to being a victim. The texting while driving is an example of deflecting her defensive umbrage onto you as being the bad person. I’d say if for the most part you enjoy her friendship then standing firm on your boundaries and your approach is a good one. On the other hand if something came up and she doesn’t like a boundary you could state that she seems to get angry But as her friend you want to help her and you maintain a kind, compassionate friendship. Even if your boundaries or she has boundaries that seem stupid the end goal is you want to make sure each other are comfortable, and for example stopping texting doesn’t cost anything but continuing to text would cost the loss of a good friendship and you don’t want that to happen.
Texting and driving is illegal and highly dangerous. If she is too selfish or uncaring to see that, she's not someone you really want to have as a friend. The fact that she got mad at you for refusing to allow it when you were in the car shows that she thinks her texting is more important than your life. (Not to mention, does she think that you are so boring that she'd rather text someone else when she's with you?)
Eventually this person is going to pay the price for her actions. If she's lucky, it'll just be a traffic ticket. But it could be a whole lot worse. Don't let yourself be caught with her when it does happen.
I know it's dangerous. She actually tried to tell me that it is the same as glancing at her rear view mirrors.
But I don't want to get bogged down with the details of each incident. Other examples are not safety
related but still clearly boundaries that she tries to push past or ignore and gets mad when I do not allow that.
The friendship is important to me and I do not want to end it because of these incidents at this time.
But I do wonder if it would help her to have a 'boundaries" talk and try to get her to see what she does.
Maybe the best thing to do is to wait and see if it occurs again and then have that talk.
Hum not sure talking to her will work because she would I imagine get defensive and then cycle back to being a victim. The texting while driving is an example of deflecting her defensive umbrage onto you as being the bad person. I’d say if for the most part you enjoy her friendship then standing firm on your boundaries and your approach is a good one. On the other hand if something came up and she doesn’t like a boundary you could state that she seems to get angry But as her friend you want to help her and you maintain a kind, compassionate friendship. Even if your boundaries or she has boundaries that seem stupid the end goal is you want to make sure each other are comfortable, and for example stopping texting doesn’t cost anything but continuing to text would cost the loss of a good friendship and you don’t want that to happen.
It is no one big thing or we would have to resolve it in order for me to spend time with her.
Just things over the years..
One time she was texting while driving and I asked her to stop that it was scaring me.
She ignored my repeated requests and then got really angry and screamed at me, saying that I was nagging her.
She did stop texting because I told her to let me out of the car if she wanted to continue. Years later she still sees that whole incident as me nagging and being controlling.
To me it is clearly a boundary that I do not ride with anyone that I think is driving dangerous.
If she wanted to keep texting and driving that was fine, but it wasn't going to be with me in the car with her.
I never got angry, I just did not give in to her.
The bolded part.
You need to look at yourself and ask why do you put up with her behavior?
If someone pulled that with me years ago I would have started to question the friendship and most likely started distancing myself. She put your life, hers, and other drivers at risk, in addition to being unreasonable.
Yet years later you're still having issues with this person and you tolerate their behavior.
Sometimes we have to part ways with some people, even after years of friendship when you realize it's one sided, there is too much drama, or in this case lack of mutual respect.
She isn't going to change.
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