Odd ball question about communication (person, lips, issues)
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I was in a live-in relationship with my ex for over 4 years. We broke up over a year ago because he wanted to see if the 'grass was greener'. Needless to say, it came as a shock to me.
I've spent these last months going over and over stuff in my mind. Thankfully, the 'dwelling' is starting to recede.
But something has come up recently and I wanted everyone's opinion on it.
There would be times (many times actually...) when I would ask my ex a simple question, such as, "Can I get anything for you while I'm at the store?" Now, I don't expect an answer as soon as the word 'store' leaves my lips, but I've often had to 15, 20 even up to 45 seconds before he would even acknowledge that I said anything. If I ask him while he's working on the computer, he'll continue to work on the computer without even looking up, or hold up a finger, or give me SOME clue that he's heard me.
It used to be so frustrating because of how often it happened. I mean, people have asked me questions before and I have no problem immediately 'switching gears'. I either stop what I'm doing to answer their question, or I at least hold up a finger (as if to say, "Give me a few seconds to finish this sentence")...or I answer the question while continuing to type.
We have talked about this before. HE claims that he's "thinking" about the answer. I'm sorry...but is it NORMAL to need 30 seconds to 'think about' the answer to a question like I proposed above? Is it normal to not even acknowledge that your significant other even asked a question?
When I say 30 seconds, that's NOT an exaggeration. I've actually timed it in my head before.
Personally, I know he has other 'issues', and I believe I already know the answer. I guess I'm just looking for a little validation, or for someone to 'set me straight'. Maybe I really WAS being 'impatient'...?
15 - 45 seconds without even acknowledging you at all? No, it's not normal. Sounds like he might have been a liiiiiiittle self-centered. Add that to the green grass hunt - and he might have do
ne you a big favor by leaving.
You really need to move on. This relationship is over how long?? You are carrying around a laundry list still?
And, the simple answer is....He may have been trying to think what he might need, to answer your question. Simple.
You should deal with your ongoing issues, if a relationship is done....get some reading done, and work on your feelings. It will put you in a better place emotionally. Don't keep "dwelling" Wishing you health
You really need to move on. This relationship is over how long?? You are carrying around a laundry list still?
And, the simple answer is....He may have been trying to think what he might need, to answer your question. Simple.
You should deal with your ongoing issues, if a relationship is done....get some reading done, and work on your feelings. It will put you in a better place emotionally. Don't keep "dwelling" Wishing you health
I totally agree with this post. Sure the guy seems self centered, or at least not terribly interested in you, but you've put this behind you.
People are weird all the different ways there are to be weird. This guy was weird that particular way.
To be frank, if he had loved you, he would have stayed. Please let it go. Find happiness and joy wherever you can.
He didn't jump ship because you're weren't willing to wait 10 seconds longer.
He jumped because he recognized that you and he were never meant to be.
When either party is counting seconds in their head at any time - well, that's a sure sign you both need to get the heck out of Dodge. You'll understand this way better when you find the right guy. You're well rid of this one, count your lucky stars.
I agree with the notion that he's now your ex. Just move on.
But yes, you might have been a bit too impatient. I'm like that, too. My brain easily gets immersed in whatever I'm doing, and it takes me conscious effort to (1) bring myself back to reality (2) review the question I was asked (3) come up with an answer.
His not providing any acknowledgement for those many seconds may well be simply bad habit. He hadn't learned to provide feedback that says, "I did hear you, and I am working on answering ... "
I was in a live-in relationship with my ex for over 4 years. We broke up over a year ago because he wanted to see if the 'grass was greener'. Needless to say, it came as a shock to me.
I've spent these last months going over and over stuff in my mind. Thankfully, the 'dwelling' is starting to recede.
But something has come up recently and I wanted everyone's opinion on it.
There would be times (many times actually...) when I would ask my ex a simple question, such as, "Can I get anything for you while I'm at the store?" Now, I don't expect an answer as soon as the word 'store' leaves my lips, but I've often had to 15, 20 even up to 45 seconds before he would even acknowledge that I said anything. If I ask him while he's working on the computer, he'll continue to work on the computer without even looking up, or hold up a finger, or give me SOME clue that he's heard me.
It used to be so frustrating because of how often it happened. I mean, people have asked me questions before and I have no problem immediately 'switching gears'. I either stop what I'm doing to answer their question, or I at least hold up a finger (as if to say, "Give me a few seconds to finish this sentence")...or I answer the question while continuing to type.
We have talked about this before. HE claims that he's "thinking" about the answer. I'm sorry...but is it NORMAL to need 30 seconds to 'think about' the answer to a question like I proposed above? Is it normal to not even acknowledge that your significant other even asked a question?
When I say 30 seconds, that's NOT an exaggeration. I've actually timed it in my head before.
Personally, I know he has other 'issues', and I believe I already know the answer. I guess I'm just looking for a little validation, or for someone to 'set me straight'. Maybe I really WAS being 'impatient'...?
Thanks for your answers in advance!
VG
It's very frustrating, i would have a difficult time dealing with this, but we are all different, it's normal for him
We have different ways of processing information, of focusing on something, of switching gears back and forth and people respond differently.
This is his "bad habit" I guess from your perspective.
As far as not being patient - it's all relative... some people can't wait 5 second and may be perceived as impatient, and others can't wait 45...
The trick is to find someone compatible or to be able to adapt and accept "bad habits" and to expect them to happen
Picture yourselves walking into a friend's or co-worker's office. It's lunch time. Your friend/co-worker is sitting at his or her computer staring at the screen while typing. You ask, "We're all going to lunch right now. Wanna come with us?" Now, I understand that there would be a short delay between the time the word "us" left your lips until your friend responded. That response would usually come in the form of an "uhh" or "umm" or maybe holding up a finger as if to say, "Gimme a moment to finish..." or your friend might simply glance in your direction, or simply answer 'yes' or 'no'. Any one of those responses would take place within the first 5-6 seconds (from the research I've done) after you finished saying the word "us".
But if your friend kept staring at the computer screen and didn't give you ANY response (not even blinking his or her eyes, or turning his or her head in your direction) after that 5 or 6 seconds, you might start to wonder "Did he or she hear me?" and after 10 seconds, you're DEFINITELY starting to wonder what's going on.
I brought this up because I NEVER experienced that kind of silence with ANYONE before in my life. When I was married, I had the opposite problem; my exh. would constantly interrupt me and I wouldn't even be able to finish ONE sentence without him interrupting, lol!
This is not something that my ex only did to me. Even is daughter noticed this, and said that it's "annoying". The three of us were watching t.v. one evening and she asked him a 'sensitive' question (something along the lines of, 'Have you ever smoked pot?'). He did the same thing to her. He kept staring at the t.v. He didn't acknowledge that she even asked a question. She repeated the question 3-4 more times before something called her away. I asked him why he didn't answer her and he said "I didn't know HOW to answer her". But he didn't even acknowledge that she was talking. He didn't even look at her. She said later that she felt 'ignored'.
We had some disputes about this 'habit', and he claimed that he was "thinking" about his answer. I can certainly appreciate that someone may need time to answer. But how much time does one need to answer such simple questions, AND, what's with the 'non-response'? Quite often I would say his name, and he would THEN respond with "What? Oh, um..." so I knew that he heard my question. Other times, I would say his name and it would be like I just jarred him back to reality plus, he had no idea what I asked.
Edited to add after post: I'm not saying that he should answer my question after that delay. What I'm saying is that there's no 'cue' that he's even THINKING about answering or that he even HEARD me. There's no verbal, non-verbal or body language that tells me he's even noticed that I asked a question, let alone that I'm standing 3 feet away from him.
All in all, I think CheryJohns' and Purehuman's response is probably closest to the mark. Yes, he IS a bit self-centered, and that's something I realized about him about 1/2 way through our r/s. I didn't link this issue of 'silence' to his self-centeredness before, but now that you've mentioned it, it makes perfect sense.
To everyone who's said that I should "move on" believe me, I am GLAD that it's over!
Your feelings about this man are spot on. His communication behavior - actually LACK of communication - made him act like a jerk. He IS a jerk. His non-response to you was all about him and nothing to do with you/your value as a person. Stop renting this character room in your head, and start celebrating your freedom instead.
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