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By all means. Having blood ties to someone doesn't mean you can use and abuse them. And your kids aren't supposed to take the brunt of all bad decisions and failure to get off your butt and do something for yourself.
Your mother has a very wrong idea of what a parent is for and what children are for. A parent's job is to get the children to adulthood in relatively good shape and bring them to independence. Children aren't supposed to be just about getting free caretakers or bill payers for yourself.
People like this are emotional vampires, all they want to do is drain you and leave you weak and energyless. Misery loves company -- but you don't have to allow her to manipulate you.
Well, I'm going to be 27 years old and I'm STILL having arguments with my mother. It feels like the most pathetic thing in the world to be honest. We hardly argue since I've managed to ignore her for the most part but this past Sunday we got into a brief but heated argument. My mother is struggling to pay her bills and rent. She constantly gives me and my sister hell for not helping her out enough. My sister is pregnant, lives with her husband and the baby is expected to come soon. So they are looking for a bigger house or apartment for the baby and her husbands 2 kids. They run a business and their expenses aren't cheap. I'm going through a rough time financially. So much so that I'm living in my fathers boxing gym at the moment since I got laid off from work.
This past Sunday I was having a fantastic time until my mother called me complaining about her facing eviction. So I see her on Monday and she wines, cries and goes on and on about how much she owes and that her social security is cut. So now she's trying to figure out how to pay her bills. She doesn't work and hasn't worked in YEARS, suffers from depression, does nothing with her life (except watch TV 24 hours) and just hates her life and is absolutely miserable with herself. We get into an argument because she says "I supported you guys and took care of you when you were kids and now you are both off with your own lives" and the such. Which is what we are SUPPOSED to do.
She's indirectly blaming us for her falling way behind on bills and constantly wants us to bail her out. And if we can't, we get maligned and she thinks we don't care for her. We give her money ALL the time and tried to move her out the apartment she can't afford. She's looking for room mates but with her incredibly poor character of judgement, I fear she'll rent the room out to the wrong people. If not that she wants me to move back in and rent the room out to me. Which I wouldn't mind if my mother wasn't such a pain in the butt. It's the reason why I moved out. And honestly, though I've been struggling A LOT lately, I feel a lot less stressed than when I was living with her. Living with her really got me down and sucked the energy out of me, so much so that I would get badly depressed and unmotivated myself.
All-in-all, I'm just so tired of my mother. I love her but at times I CANNOT stand her (don't hate her). I just can't stand her negative energy, can't stand the fact that she feels entitled to our help, can't stand the fact that she doesn't accept responsibility for her own actions (being an alcoholic and addicted to drugs at one point) can't stand the fact that she doesn't understand we are trying to better our lives for us so that way we can take care of HER. She feels that we owe her our lives.
Since my mother is such a poopy pants, I've been thinking of having minimal contact with her for a while. I just need to gather my thoughts, get back to the drawing board and get back on my feet. Moving back in with my mother will throw me WAY off and even talking to her stresses me way out. I'm not 17 anymore and I hate arguing with my mom over petty stuff. It makes me feel immature and really, really pathetic. And I'm sure if you're looking from the outside--in--you'd probably think I'm some fat, dirty, late 20 something year old coach potato who plays PS3/Xbox all day and ******* when his mother tells him to pick up his fart stained underwear off the steps. I can 1000 percent assure that's not the case.
So I ask friends: Should I take a break from my mom? Have minimal contact with her?
As much as I want to, it is hard for me because I DO worry a ton about her and I worry a ton about my younger brothers who aren't even teens yet and don't have much responsibility. Though, in the end she can always move back in with her husband I do not want them suffering but my mother is just a huge thorn on my side.
Any thoughts? THANKS!
I can relate with you OP so much. I too have a very negative mother. She is successful and has a degree, but she always find a way to complain about something. I have to hear her whining about how she wants to move to find a "better" state, and how she doesn't have any friends...despite the fact that she refuses to socialize or get out more to meet people. Every other word out of her mouth is a curse word, or some other form of foul language.
Even though they are our parents......they are emotional leeches. I would like for you to look up the term "emotional leeches" or "emotional drainers" on Google, and you will be shocked at what you find. Basically, these people are underdeveloped spirits who are unable to exist in this dimension unless they feed off of others; they are unable to form their own energy, so they literally use others like a human battery. They are like a black cloud who only bring doom and gloom. They have very low vibrations (on a metaphysical plane). Here is how I deal with my negative, manipulative mother:
Limit Your amount of contact- My negative mother, would always demand that I talk to her every single time she called, which was like 4-5 times a day. Her excuse?; she wants to see if I'm alive and okay. Seems fair, right? Wrong.....mommy dearest is not calling a thousand times a day to see if you are alive and well....but she needs her energy fix. She is an underdeveloped soul who needs to feed off of your energy in order to survive, or else she will crash and burn. You ever notice how you could be in a really good mood, and then after talking to your mother on the phone, you feel drained, upset and maybe even a little depressed? That is her draining you of your energy. Limit phone calls to 1 times a day or even once every 2-3 days. If you do answer the phone, make sure you are at work or at an event and use that as an excuse to quickly get off the phone if the conversation starts to become negative. That way, you can still see if the other is okay without getting into deep conversations. Keep the convo short and sweet.
Have a Side-Kick- There are others in my family who are extremely dysfunctional and would classify as an emotional drainer. I notice that when I have my friends around, these dysfunctional people are less likely to show their true colors, or will refrain from being as negative as they would if it were just you two in the room. Bring along a friend with you the next time you are at a family engagement, and notice the difference.
Avoid Attempts to Help Your Mother- I know this sounds cold and callous, but you will not change your mother. Never try to suggest ways to help her. I use to do this with my mother....when she would complain about how she hated her family, her life and everything in it.....I would give suggestions; "Find a new job", "Start your own business", "Socialize more", "move closer to your family".....this accomplishes one goal: your mother is consuming your energy....afterwards, you will be drained and depleted, until you are able to recharge....and then here comes your negative mother again to drain you of more energy the next day......break the cycle. Do not give advice, do not give suggestions, keep your mouth closed....walk away....or change the subject.
Physical Distance- I find that putting a little physical distance between you and your dysfunctional family members is the easiest way to avoid meltdowns. 30 miles is okay, but 100+ miles is a whole lot better. That way she is unable to popup on your doorstep or you can use the physical distance as a valid excuse as to why you can't visit as often. Do not allow her to try to move closer to you....this is only her way of trying to get closer to her energy source.....
Have Empathy- Empathy is different from sympathy. If you look into the lives of negative people, you will probably learned they had a JACKED UP childhood or a lot of traumatic experiences. Have empathy, and become self aware as to how your mother got the way she is. This will make a ton of difference in how you react to your mother's negativity.
Remember, dysfunctionalism can be heredity and often runs through generations.......becoming self aware is the best way to break the cycle of dysfunction. Show your brother's extra attention, because they will need it.
Do it. I frequently take "breaks" from my mother when she slips into unreasonable. One time we didn't speak for 6 months because she went on a crazy rant about my life choices. I just refrained from contacting her. She could have contacted me at ANY TIME. But she chose not to, because she knew she'd have to apologize. I finally wanted to talk to her about something, and did the calling myself. She was all "I'm so happy to hear from you!" and hasn't crossed lines like she did in over a year.
Boundaries. It's all about boundaries.
Yes and you give great tips but sometimes they won't apologize so it's basically do you want to cut off the person forever or not?
This can be very hard and upsetting, even if your mother is/was abusive.
No, it is not wrong to take a break. It can be too negative an influence on your life. If you do it with love, it's really good for both of you.
Why is she getting evicted? She doesn't have money but is she old enough for Social Security? Does she suffer from bipolar? Some people get disability for their issues.
Yes and you give great tips but sometimes they won't apologize so it's basically do you want to cut off the person forever or not?
This can be very hard and upsetting, even if your mother is/was abusive.
No, it is not wrong to take a break. It can be too negative an influence on your life. If you do it with love, it's really good for both of you.
Why is she getting evicted? She doesn't have money but is she old enough for Social Security? Does she suffer from bipolar? Some people get disability for their issues.
My mother rarely apologizes. I will call her however when I feel like getting in contact, and she is usually all bubbles and sunshine. It's the threat of me making it permanent that keeps her in line for a long time until the next blow-up. It's not me bluffing or being manipulative, it's me putting things on a timeline that's convenient for me. Those breaks give me time to blow off whatever hurtful thing she's said/done, lower my stress levels and get my shields back in place. It's not like we can discuss the issue rationally - she just gets mad and hangs up on me if I say something she doesnt like.
My mother is more difficult than abusive, but she can really go on some bizarre rampages. I don't NEED her. Very little of my emotional life is tied up in her - she pretty much took care of that when I was a kid. However, huge chunks of her ego ARE tied up in me. She's the one that takes the damage really when I pull back. Taking my toys and going home is the most effective weapon I have against her.
Why can't your mother work? Even answering phones or something, anything. No, it's not wrong, and if I were you, I would take a break. This woman sounds like she needs a good dose of tough love.
You know, fertility does not equal sainthood. Sometimes parents can be less than stellar caregivers. Basically, you're an adult and so is she. You're more than welcome to break off all contact but that might be tough. She putting you into the parent role all of the time because she's not able to understand that she needs to be responsible for herself. You have to tell her that. Perhaps she just wants a shoulder to cry on, which we all understand but at a certain point she needs to start taking care of herself.
As someone else so succinctly put it: boundaries. Make it clear that you can't help, you can be sympathetic for a brief time but make it clear that she is control of her life and you have no way of helping her. In the (likely) event that she doesn't respond to that, then you're going to have put some boundaries very firmly in place. say: I don't feel good when you're asking me to help and give you money repeatedly. You know my financial situation and I would help if I could but I can't. Please don't ask me anymore, you need to sort yourself out.
Remember, you're not the parent here. Your mother is pushing you into a parenting role all the time instead of having an adult relationship with her. Don't let her do it and don't let yourself parent your own mother. She's a grown up and only she has the solutions to her problems.
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