Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My wife's two brothers and their wives often go on double dates to restaurants, bars, and other places. When that happens, there's usually a lot of liquor involved.
My wife and I don't drink, and we've been getting a lot more pressure from them to drink at family gatherings and other occasions.
For my wife's bachelorette party, they took her to eat at a nice restaurant, after which my wife said she was tired and ready to go home. Since my wife wasn't driving, they took advantage and dragged her to a bar/lounge. They said they would not take her home until she had a few drinks. Needless to say, once they took her home my wife couldn't stop crying and wondered how they could ever stoop to that level.
Then came a Christmas Eve get together. They have asked me to take sips before, but because they were already plastered when we arrived, they dialed it up a notch by literally serving me the drink and putting it next to me at the table. They got extremely hammered that night -- to the point of being obnoxious and making fools of themselves.
And the worst one took place this past weekend. My wife and I recently purchased a condo and have spent the last few weeks painting, fixing stuff, and cleaning before the furniture arrives. One of her brothers called her Saturday night saying the 4 of them were nearby and wanted to stop by and see it. (No one has visited yet, as the place is still messy.) Since we had been cleaning all day, still weren't done, and saw it was getting late, we told them we didn't want to receive anyone, but that we'd be sure to invite everyone for a housewarming once the furniture was there and the cable/Internet up and running.
After repeated texts and phone calls, they let us know they were there and heading our way. We managed to slip out of the unit and drive off without their noticing. As I was backing out, I noticed the 4 of them walking behind us toward one of the entrances. I almost forced my wife to give me their phone #s so I could call and tell them off, but my wife advised me against stirring up trouble.
Instead, we sent a very cordial text message to all 4 of them politely asking that they call us one or two days in advance to ask if they can come over. The message was so formal that it probably threw them off. (My wife didn't want to be rude in the message.) None of them responded, but I assume they got the point.
As you can imagine, we were livid and felt these people had crossed a line. We suspect they may have been drinking again. They pulled a similar stunt a few years back in which they stopped by the duplex where my wife and I are renting now and began texting us from the car saying "We're outside. Come out and say hi." Yes, they had been drinking.
What I've observed is that when these people are sober are either by themselves or just with their partner, they can be the nicest people in the world.
But when all 4 are together and alcohol is involved, they turn into a quartet of pushy, obnoxious people who don't take no for an answer. They become flat-out bullies who try to pressure us into drinking, letting them into our apartment, etc. Whether you call it the herd mentality or groupthink, they seem to bring out the worst in each other while intoxicated. And from what I've heard, the women can't stand each other when they're sober.
I don't understand why they've taken to drinking so much. Both couples have kids, so I'm not sure if it's the stress of parenthood coupled with marital problems they may be keeping under wraps. At the end of the day, we don't know people's battles. But it seems these 4 enjoy drowning their sorrows with booze whenever they're able to leave their kids with someone else. It could also be they're entering a mini-mid life crisis in their mid 30s and want to relive their pre-kids days. (My wife and I are in our late 20s and don't have kids.)
I've been noticing that these 4 have been putting more pressure on my wife and I to "join the group." Now that we're married, I feel like they're trying to say, "You're part of the family now. Drink, have fun, and be like us" (herd mentality). While we certainly wouldn't mind going out with them on occasion if notified in advance, my wife and I refuse to change. Not only do we not drink, but we're calm, quiet, keep-to-ourselves-and-stay-at-home-watching-Netflix kind of people. We are not into partying like these people are, but they seem to have a hard time accepting that.
And now that we've seen how silly and pushy they can get after having a few drinks, we're understandably reluctant to hang out with them whenever booze is involved.
Any suggestions on what we can do or tell them so that they get the message loud and clear? Has anyone else ever been in a situation like this?
You know how, in shows like Law and Order, they put the suspect and his accomplice in different interrogation rooms to try and get them to rat each other out? Maybe it would be worth talking to them individually and while sober to see if being in the hot seat alone causes them to throw each other under the bus. ("It was their idea, not mine.")
Any thoughts/suggestions welcome.
Thanks.
Last edited by Wordsmith12; 02-02-2015 at 07:59 AM..
It sounds like you are dealing with a family of alcoholics. The fact that you two don't drink and participate makes that fact, and their true state, stick out like a sore thumb. Best solution for them is to get two of you into the fold/cycle. Don't fall for it. Hold your ground. You might get put out of the family and/or ignored for bringing their disease to light. So be it. Better to do that than join 'em and become diseased yourselves. Good luck! You're gonna need it!!!!
Last edited by picklejuice; 02-02-2015 at 08:09 AM..
I don't understand adults succumbing to peer pressure. Slipping out the back of your own home? C'mon. Bullied into drinking? Not since high school.
Don't answer the door, or close it firmly in their faces. Leave the drinks untouched if they order or serve them. If they want to discuss your actions, let them know you'll be happy to, over breakfast. They don't drink at breakfast, do they?
Just keep doing what you are doing and tell them thanks, but no thanks. Advise them they can only come over when invited that you don't like pop in guests (if that is how you feel once the condo is complete)
For your wife going out with them and not driving, tell her the next time this happens call a cab. No one should control her like that.
Like picklejuice said, good luck!! You are most definitely going to need it.
Maybe it would be worth talking to them individually and while sober ....
Yes, definitely.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
I don't understand adults succumbing to peer pressure. Slipping out the back of your own home? C'mon. Bullied into drinking? Not since high school.
Don't answer the door, or close it firmly in their faces. Leave the drinks untouched if they order or serve them. If they want to discuss your actions, let them know you'll be happy to, over breakfast. They don't drink at breakfast, do they?
Seriously. ^^^^ Quoting for emphasis.
Your wife could have called you to pick her up from the bachelorette party. Time to re-examine grown-up boundaries.
Don't serve alcohol at your housewarming. Prepare for conflict if they bring their own.
Remember Eleanor Roosevelt's quote, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Status:
"Just livin' day by day"
(set 23 days ago)
Location: USA
3,166 posts, read 3,359,241 times
Reputation: 5382
People who drink like to be around others that do too. This is speaking from personal experience. They'll look at you as if something is wrong with you if you choose not to drink.
We had a similar situation, but probably not as bad as yours. We just stayed firm like you are doing and they eventually disappeared from our lives. It was kind of hard to see the good times with them go, but it was actually more of a relief.
People who drink like to be around others that do too. This is speaking from personal experience. They'll look at you as if something is wrong with you if you choose not to drink.
And we don't, which is why I don't see why they'd be interested in hanging out with us. I feel they're taking it as a challenge to get us to change our ways.
We had a similar situation, but probably not as bad as yours. We just stayed firm like you are doing and they eventually disappeared from our lives. It was kind of hard to see the good times with them go, but it was actually more of a relief.
We wouldn't want to sever ties with these people, but I'm starting to think that if we stand firm and not give in, they'll eventually put us on their blacklist and fade away. Still, if that's what it'll take to head off the behavior, so be it.
We wouldn't want to sever ties with these people, but I'm starting to think that if we stand firm and not give in, they'll eventually put us on their blacklist and fade away.
They would, because you are refusing to validate their chosen lifestyle by joining them. They would view it as an implicit rejection.
Which is why talking to them when sober and explaining that you love hanging out but not when they are drunk is your only option. It may not work, but at least fading away would be their informed (unfortunate) choice.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
