Thought I was over it but still heartbroken (wife, father, husband)
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I'm sorry this is long. I've been reading for a while and see that most people that respond are so helpful, so I am gathering the courage to write.
For years, I knew I didn't think like other people...I just knew that I was different. I maintained a great "face"; that is, I had abnormal control making it look like everything was just fine. I had terrible impulse control as a teen and young adult. Made some very stupid decisions, and always had difficulty with responsible financial control.
I was very social, in charge of things, lots of friends...in particular, 2 BEST friends since age 16. We spoke on the phone daily, our kids were friends, we traveled together. Close. All three of us would talk about how awesome we were as a "threesome". I'm almost 40 now.
I quit my very good job because I just couldn't handle everything anymore...the house, the kids, the pressure of the job...I was so tired. I just felt WRONG. I started my own business, and it seemed successful, but I did not manage the bank account correctly, and procrastinated, and eventually spent many daytime hours sleeping. I had the talent but I couldn't manage everything. I steadily declined in my social activities. I overspent, and even while I was doing it, I couldn't control myself. A family member that was extremely close to me since my birth was tied to me financially for many reasons...we had joint accounts, they helped me tremendously for years...and I ran up too much debt, always thinking I would be able to pay it. The end result was a huge discord in that family. My husband had no clue...I had hidden everything successfully...until a switch just flipped. I left the state to be far away from my children and checked into a hotel, planning not to check out alive.
To summarize the rest...my husband (whom I had fully expected to take the kids and run far away from me) convinced me to return, and I was hospitalized for almost 2 weeks. Since then, we moved away, and I have had consistent treatment from a therapist, psychiatrist, and primary care physician, and many medications. I can't work, and I spend most of my time at home, happy not to leave, although I do have a few "safe" places. I have one friend, who is also mentally ill and had almost identical circumstances, who is in another state. I do not socialize. Most days, I just try to be as normal as my condition allows. We have no nearby relatives but I have the support of my parents, husband's parents and siblings. I have the best husband in the world, and the most amazing, talented, wonderful children.
My heartbreak deals with my two best friends. One of them in particular...while she was divorcing, I was her sounding board...daily...I never judged her...I helped her, because I had a lot of child custody knowledge, and because of me she was informed enough to retain primary custody of her children...she even called me from court once, standing with her lawyer, about the visitation agreement! She partied a lot, I never judged her...I supported her, although I was always honest. She actually was driving me crazy, but I supported her EVERY DAY, without judgement.
When I was in the hospital, my friends were understandably confused and had no idea what was going on. I talked to one of them once, and she almost attacked me on the phone..."what is going on, why did this happen, I don't get it" even though my husband had warned her I was very fragile and not to ask me...I was so upset I didn't even call the other one who was waiting for my call.
Bottom line, they both abandoned me. The one I had supported the most went behind my back to get info from my family members whom she knew..and was feeding them information about me...they were upset I wouldn't explain the situation to them myself, but I couldn't, I didn't know if there would be legal fallout. They were angry we just picked up and moved. I know they thought they had no idea who I actually am. One was mad I didn't contact her after her father died, I DIDN'T KNOW about it, I had deleted all social media...meanwhile two close relatives of mine died and I didn't hear a word from either of them...I contacted them both once by email after a failed medication left me with "no control" as my Dr. put it...it didn't end well, with the still married one's husband bitching me out. One of them texted me occasionally...I didn't answer, but once we ended up exchanging texts for a day...just superficial. At the end of the night, she said "it was good to have some peace between us".
My garage got wet this week. In a box, I found some papers from a retreat I attended once...and a letter from my friend...saying how glad she was to have me, that I never "judged her", I was always there for her. And at reading that, I realized just how heartbroken I still am at the loss of my best friends...who were like my sisters. I found old pictures of us...at high school graduations, from weddings, from new babies...I'm sure they feel justified, but I would have stood by either of them no matter what they did...
I realized I'm not over it, and I doubt I ever will be. I try not to think about it...but the pain I felt reading that letter was staggering. My illness is real...I'm not blaming all my mistakes on my illness, that is like a serial killer saying they aren't responsible for their actions because they are sociopaths...but it is as real as cancer. As my therapist put it when I told her I just wanted to snap my fingers and be "normal": "If you were in a wheelchair, would you expect to just stand up?"
When I was in the hospital, my friends were understandably confused and had no idea what was going on. I talked to one of them once, and she almost attacked me on the phone..."what is going on, why did this happen, I don't get it" even though my husband had warned her I was very fragile and not to ask me...I was so upset I didn't even call the other one who was waiting for my call.
Bottom line, they both abandoned me. The one I had supported the most went behind my back to get info from my family members whom she knew..and was feeding them information about me...they were upset I wouldn't explain the situation to them myself, but I couldn't, I didn't know if there would be legal fallout. They were angry we just picked up and moved. I know they thought they had no idea who I actually am. One was mad I didn't contact her after her father died, I DIDN'T KNOW about it, I had deleted all social media...meanwhile two close relatives of mine died and I didn't hear a word from either of them...I contacted them both once by email after a failed medication left me with "no control" as my Dr. put it...it didn't end well, with the still married one's husband bitching me out. One of them texted me occasionally...I didn't answer, but once we ended up exchanging texts for a day...just superficial. At the end of the night, she said "it was good to have some peace between us".
From the above it sounds like you've been shutting them out. What exactly did they do to make you feel like they abandoned you?
Please read what you wrote. You apparently had expert knowledge in dealing with child custody issues, so you helped your friend. Did either of your two best friends have expert knowledge in the area of your specific mental illness? Because it sounds like a doozy. It sounds like they didn't have any information and were just trying to figure out what was going on with you. It doesn't sound like they abandoned you at all - it sounds like they were confronted with an extreme situation and left without a blueprint. It's not surprising that they floundered.
I've got a lot of empathy for mental health issues, but it sounds like you shut down all communications and all sorts of hell was breaking loose. What did you leave them to work with? What were they SUPPOSED to do?
From the above it sounds like you've been shutting them out. What exactly did they do to make you feel like they abandoned you?
They both told me they want no relationship. I did shut them out at first, because I didn't want them involved...I just asked them to please give me a little time to recover, but talked to them a little. I did contact them. Then I found out one of them was repeating everything I said to her to one of my family members...we'd hang up the phone and she would call her. I felt very betrayed...and I confronted her on the phone, and told her I loved her, and could she please tell me that she didn't betray my confidence...and she couldn't. This was a few years ago. I was very ill at this point, and had just gotten out of the hospital. They couldn't give it 3 weeks...after all those years...and just be there for me. I could barely get out of bed. My children were my priority at that point, and just trying to function.
I called the other one after we moved (which was very soon after) and tried to talk to her, but it was a very superficial conversation...I could tell they had bonded over this problem and had both decided to cut contact. They had each other, I guess they decided that was enough. I emailed them a few months later...trying to explain and reach out...but both my friend and her husband just did a lot of finger pointing and said that it wasn't worth the effort. He emailed basically telling me not to bother his wife, that I "hurt her enough". I thought after a few months they'd be ready to talk, that is why I emailed.
NONE of what transpired with my business or family had anything to do with either of them, by the way.
The other one just argued with me...then periodically would text me, once she said "I just want you to know, I don't want a relationship at this point, but I miss you." Seriously? I didn't answer her. She was always one for instant gratification, and I know that not knowing was driving her crazy, but my husband had asked her to please keep conversation normal, that we'd get together as soon as I was able and talk. Instead, she did the exact opposite. She was my youngest child's Godmother for goodness sake.
Another time she texted me and I answered...I had a new phone and didn't recognize the number, I thought it was a family member...and we just exchanged superficial information...she had even gotten remarried. I know she feels pain over what happened, but my primary concern during that terrible time wasn't taking care of them...it was trying to survive, and I'm not being dramatic. Neither of them remained supportive, for more than a couple of weeks...neither of them tried to then understand about my illness, they dismissed it entirely. In hindsight, they HAVE to know that something was wrong with me for a long time...especially over the couple of years I decreased social activity although I still spoke to them daily and put on a good show.
My problems were financial mostly...one of them could have committed a terrible crime and I still would have been there for them...during my friend's divorce, over a period of about a year, I helped her and was there for her nearly every single day, and she couldn't wait a few weeks for details and just be a friend. I would have forgiven both of them, even after that...but they weren't interested.
At this point...what now? My husband would tell me to give up completely and never talk to them again...after all, how could I ever trust them again...but sometimes my heart hurts so much I consider contacting them. I think it would just cause more hurt though. I just don't get it. I would have been there for them, no matter what.
Please read what you wrote. You apparently had expert knowledge in dealing with child custody issues, so you helped your friend. Did either of your two best friends have expert knowledge in the area of your specific mental illness? Because it sounds like a doozy. It sounds like they didn't have any information and were just trying to figure out what was going on with you. It doesn't sound like they abandoned you at all - it sounds like they were confronted with an extreme situation and left without a blueprint. It's not surprising that they floundered.
I've got a lot of empathy for mental health issues, but it sounds like you shut down all communications and all sorts of hell was breaking loose. What did you leave them to work with? What were they SUPPOSED to do?
You are right, they didn't, and a lot of people don't.
I guess I would have hoped that they would have just been there for me, even if that meant a few weeks wait for more details. They knew I almost died...they knew I was hospitalized...they knew I was barely functioning. My husband was in contact with them. Just with that knowledge, I would have hoped that they would just be present as a support system. Much like my parents, my siblings, my husband. They were pretty much blindsided too, but even though they didn't understand it, they tried.
1. Yes, you are different from everyone else, but guess what? So is everyone else different from everyone else. So don't label yourself as such. Everyone has problems at some time in their life. It has nothing to do with being "different"; it has to do with being "human".
2. You are so fortunate to have a supportive family. This is what truly matters and should give you contentment irregardless of whatever friendships you may or may not have.
3. You were also fortunate to have 2 friends for 20-some years. This is a long time for friendships in our highly-mobile world nowadays. People usually grow apart much sooner. You were kind of spoiled, in a way, in that you apparently never had the experience of numerous short term friendships during your adult life.
4. Can you really blame your friends for being confused and mad over your hospitalization? You yourself admitted that you hid all of your problems from them. The "face" they saw wasn't the real you. Wouldn't you be angry if you found out a friend of yours was hiding something this important from you? I'd feel betrayed.
So, the lingering question is: are you willing to completely forgive your friends for their reaction? It sounds to me like there was a failure of communication at several points which led to hard feelings all around. Their reaction seems almost predictable in hindsight.
If this really bothers you, I would suggest you write them each a brief heart-felt letter just to apologize to them for not being honest with them about your emotional problems. If you haven't already done so, you should explain to them that this was all brought on by the shame you had in yourself due to your financial problems, and that it had nothing to do with them. Let them know you are getting well with ongoing medical treatment. Tell them you can completely understand any hard feelings they may have for you, but that it would be a great comfort to you if you could keep in touch with them.
And if they respond negatively, it's not because you didn't try to patch things up. Now you must move on. There are 6 billion people in the world -- find other friends.
A great many people to this day have no idea how to handle or respond to someone suffering a mental health issue. Truth is, I think most of us fancy ourselves as being supportive and understanding until it actually happens. 20 years ago I suffered a breakdown and it was very eye-opening how many people just never got in touch with me while I was dealing with it. Of course, they all assured me once I returned to work, how much they'd thought of me and even wanted to get in touch but apparently the powers-that-be at work forbade them. I could've asked why they didn't do it without telling anyone at work but at that point I really didn't care any more. Certain people had been there for me unquestioningly and never hesitated to answer my calls or help me; certain people didn't. I wasn't mad at them or resentful, I just had better things to deal with.
I always think that being in the middle of this feels like living inside a funhouse mirror. Everything you see and hear and interpret is distorted. Everyone is else living in "Normal-land" and many people just don't get why your behaviour is so bizarre. They get frustrated and confused and eventually give up trying to deal. They have their own issues.
Bottom line, you could try and restart these relationships or you could put them behind you and try to move on. I know it hurts and you'll miss them but like any relationship that ends, sometimes it's what needs to happen. If you already know you won't trust them, is it really worth it? They were your friends for a while and now they're not. Maybe it's time to draw a line under the experience and find new ones?
Please don't take this personally, but you remind me of my sister-in-law, and I want to come to you from possibly their perspective.
...
You were fine and dandy for all these years although you pretty much did whatever you wanted all your life. Spent money with no thought or care of the ramifications, even though your brother was your joint account holder. You have a great husband and friends but suddenly you quit your job and a bunch of stuff comes out about embezzlement. You were writing bad checks against your brother's account, credit cards all maxed out and he had to file bankruptcy which ruined his credit and he can't get another job because of that. Now you suddenly come up with some mental illness and you want to blame everything on that, don't even want to take responsibility for everything you did before this "mental illness" came up. You had to move away because of everything you did and now you are starting over somewhere else, you don't have to work, your husband is having to deal with all of this alone, and you won't talk to anyone unless it something you want. Meanwhile, the rest of us that helped you through all your crazy bullcrap through the years are left with the pieces that you left behind, your brother is broke, your family has to support him now too, and your friends are standing behind him, because he was the one who was truly wronged. Yet you want to complain about them leaving you in the lurch? Sorry but the world doesn't work that way. You hurt a lot of people on your way down the yellow brick road, and no pill will ever fix that.
...
Again, please know this is me talking to my sister-in-law, so only apply this to your situation if it indeed applies to you.
I just saw your response on another thread and I decided to stay on track here instead of posting it there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheCatsMeoww
I haven't read all the other responses, but perhaps a therapist would be a good idea. I have a 15 year old girl (and boy, actually) and although she also does very well at school, she pulls a lot of attitude and we have problems with her and her twin and her little sister. The sense of entitlement is so irritating...part of it is being around other 15 year old girls, some of whom have more possessions that my daughter...we have her seeing a therapist once a month. They do a lot of chatting, development of self esteem, ways to deal with conflict, that sort of thing. Girls can be so MEAN. It has been helpful. Well, it helps for like a week, but at least that is something.
I am extra sensitive about potential mental issues since I have my own, so I recognize some traits in my daughter that are warning signs...we figured therapy couldn't hurt, and it has done her some good.
Is your real name Debbie? You sound like my sister-in-law so much that it's scary.
It couldn't possibly be they are acting out because of everything you described about screwing over a family member financially and then having to leave town? The kids got uprooted and hurt in the middle of your drama, which you blamed on a mental illness and left your family in the lurch, but you're blaming all of them. You still haven't taken responsibility for your part in hurting your children, your family and your friends and instead continue to blame your mental illness which conveniently never came up until you got into trouble. I'm not saying you don't have a mental illness; I'm just saying this is how they might see it.
My sister-in-law also still continues to whine and complain about all the wrongs that have been done to her, yet we were all helping her! She just doesn't seem to remember that. It's always someone else's fault. She even started taking meds which was helping but then she quit because she had convinced everyone she was okay. Til she got in trouble again; then out came the mental illness thing once more.
Like I said, don't take this personal but you sound just like her. I think you have some apologizing to do to all the people you hurt, not the other way around. That's just my opinion.
1. Yes, you are different from everyone else, but guess what? So is everyone else different from everyone else. So don't label yourself as such. Everyone has problems at some time in their life. It has nothing to do with being "different"; it has to do with being "human".
2. You are so fortunate to have a supportive family. This is what truly matters and should give you contentment irregardless of whatever friendships you may or may not have.
3. You were also fortunate to have 2 friends for 20-some years. This is a long time for friendships in our highly-mobile world nowadays. People usually grow apart much sooner. You were kind of spoiled, in a way, in that you apparently never had the experience of numerous short term friendships during your adult life.
4. Can you really blame your friends for being confused and mad over your hospitalization? You yourself admitted that you hid all of your problems from them. The "face" they saw wasn't the real you. Wouldn't you be angry if you found out a friend of yours was hiding something this important from you? I'd feel betrayed.
So, the lingering question is: are you willing to completely forgive your friends for their reaction? It sounds to me like there was a failure of communication at several points which led to hard feelings all around. Their reaction seems almost predictable in hindsight.
If this really bothers you, I would suggest you write them each a brief heart-felt letter just to apologize to them for not being honest with them about your emotional problems. If you haven't already done so, you should explain to them that this was all brought on by the shame you had in yourself due to your financial problems, and that it had nothing to do with them. Let them know you are getting well with ongoing medical treatment. Tell them you can completely understand any hard feelings they may have for you, but that it would be a great comfort to you if you could keep in touch with them.
And if they respond negatively, it's not because you didn't try to patch things up. Now you must move on. There are 6 billion people in the world -- find other friends.
You are so right...I am thankful for my family every single day. I can't blame my friends, but it still hurts...and just when I think I've moved on, I find something that rips off the bandaid. I may try writing something simple...just an apology for shutting them out, and wishing them well.
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