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A once best friend of mine who I knew for 12 years gave me the silence treatment with her last message to me saying that "Don't worry, we are okay". I got seriously depressed for the first time in my life back in the summer for losing this friend.
I made a new friend, and somehow I got into a similar situation. Accepting my apology for something I said that had hurt her feelings, she said "No I think we are good. You are a very considerate person". Few days after this I asked her something on facebook. I was over sensitive and thought that she was going to ignore me like what happened to me in the summer. I said the following things to her
1) I hoped she can one day understand what it feels like to be ignored by someone you care about
2) I described how bad I feel for her after knowing what I said to her had hurt her feelings so bad. (I was not aware of it until she let me know.)
3) I asked her to please talk to her friends if she is not feeling okay, because I don't want to feel bad for her anymore. (she told me once that she occasionally has minor depression when she feels like she should just die, and letting me be aware of the possibility if one day she say something really bizarre)
It turns out, of course, she did not intend to ignore me and she had her reasons.
The problem being that at that time I was really confused and scared by myself on why I would lose temper for no good reasons at all. The reason I mentioned above was not known to me until much later.
In the following days I sent her two messages.
First message: I said that I am sorry for the drama, and that I won't try to talk to her in the future because I thought that she was probably scared of me. I thrown in random reasons for why I caused the drama. My intention was that being in such an unstable state I was in, I might cause more dramas and hurt her in the future if I keep contact with her. I figured the best thing I could do was perhaps to leave her.
My second message: I asked her to please get rid of everything that has anything to do with me, and that she should forget everything that happened and move on with her life. I said at the end of the message that that would be my last message.
However, there were a lot of emotional statements chipped in in both messages because I felt very guilty for causing the drama. Take my word for it that these statements seem crazy (Or am I? After the event in summer...). There were no threatening or anything with bad intent in nature. I was thinking out loud, and given that I was in an extremely confused and scared state, the thoughts of course seem crazy. They are all about how terrible I feel for everything that happened.
Two weeks later: I made the connection with the event that happened back in the summer. I sent her a message telling her that I found the true reason for the things that happened, and that we can meet sometime to talk about it. She replied saying that she didn't read this message because she felt uncomfortable reading my messages. She said whatever happened had severely affected her life, and asked me to stop contacting her.
So here I am. Right now, what I think is that
1) By explaining to her on everything she would understand and stop being affected.
2) Her suffering due to this event is entirely my responsibility.
After the drama I haven't seen her in 5 weeks in person. I avoided going to places where we would usually see each other.
What I am afraid of:
1) If I send another message to her trying to apologize, there's a very good chance that she deletes the message without reading it. Since she had asked me to stop contacting her in the last message, is this considered harassment?
2) If she considers this harassment and called police, it would disturb her life even more. This is what I absolutely do not want to see.
Um...I'm pretty sure you messed this up. What I got out of this post was that you hurt her feelings, then apologized. She said it was all right and she wasn't going to ignore you. Then you sent her messages saying you didn't want to be friends anymore and you should avoid each other.
Sorry but you ruined this friendship because of your own insecurity. I am sorry that you lost one of your best friends but you have to know that not all people are the same and I'm not sure why you freaked out so bad when she told you everything was all right. Did she actually ignore you for any period of time, or did you just assume she would?
How about communicating in person, in real life, or at least via telephone or Skype, rather than relying on messaging?? So much non-verbal communication is lost online - and while phone calls are also limited, at least you have the benefit of expression and tone of voice, and can clear up misunderstandings more readily.
So - ask your friend over for coffee, or go out somewhere quiet, and hash it out in person.
It seems that Facebook, messaging, smartphones, and their ilk have much to answer for when it comes to mutual misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and distance between one-time good friends. That's one reason why I avoid all of them (I do send and receive emails, make and receive phone calls, and even - hold your hat!! - old-fashioned cards and letters, not to mention participating in-person, real-life conversations).
Um...I'm pretty sure you messed this up. What I got out of this post was that you hurt her feelings, then apologized. She said it was all right and she wasn't going to ignore you. Then you sent her messages saying you didn't want to be friends anymore and you should avoid each other.
Sorry but you ruined this friendship because of your own insecurity. I am sorry that you lost one of your best friends but you have to know that not all people are the same and I'm not sure why you freaked out so bad when she told you everything was all right. Did she actually ignore you for any period of time, or did you just assume she would?
red: The situations were similar. My once best friend told me everything is allright and thereafter she did not say a single word to me. I still do not understand why so today.
blue: I assumed it. I saw the seen time stamps for two messages that I sent her, at the same time she was going on and offline repeatedly that I thought she would ignore me like my once best friend did to me. I totally understand this is very unreasonable. This is why I was scared and confused myself after the fact...
How about communicating in person, in real life, or at least via telephone or Skype, rather than relying on messaging?? So much non-verbal communication is lost online - and while phone calls are also limited, at least you have the benefit of expression and tone of voice, and can clear up misunderstandings more readily.
So - ask your friend over for coffee, or go out somewhere quiet, and hash it out in person.
It seems that Facebook, messaging, smartphones, and their ilk have much to answer for when it comes to mutual misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and distance between one-time good friends. That's one reason why I avoid all of them (I do send and receive emails, make and receive phone calls, and even - hold your hat!! - old-fashioned cards and letters, not to mention participating in-person, real-life conversations).
Totally...we had really great time when we hang out and we had been really friendly to each other in person. I think I will use facebook and text messages to setup only dates in the future.
What I consider doing: when I see her in person next time I will give her a smile and see how she reacts. From there I will first apologize and explain that I found out what happened, and that by explaining everything to her she would feel better.
I don't know why, but a mental picture of Scotty from the original Star Trek television show just popped into my head while reading your problem, OP. He was saying (while grabbing Captain Kirk's collar) this:
"You've got to get a hold of yourself, Captain!"
I think that friendship ship has sailed. Leave her alone and move on. There's plenty of friend fish in the sea. Just remember to learn from your mistakes--- so you won't repeat them and lose out again.
I don't know why, but a mental picture of Scotty from the original Star Trek television show just popped into my head while reading your problem, OP. He was saying (while grabbing Captain Kirk's collar) this:
"You've got to get a hold of yourself, Captain!"
I think that friendship ship has sailed. Leave her alone and move on. There's plenty of friend fish in the sea. Just remember to learn from your mistakes--- so you won't repeat them and lose out again.
I am only thinking of what I can do so that she can stop being affected at this stage. I want to make sure she is okay.
Sorry but you ruined this friendship because of your own insecurity. I am sorry that you lost one of your best friends but you have to know that not all people are the same and I'm not sure why you freaked out so bad when she told you everything was all right.
Sorry but you ruined this friendship because of your own insecurity. I am sorry that you lost one of your best friends but you have to know that not all people are the same and I'm not sure why you freaked out so bad when she told you everything was all right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick
Great summation!
This I totally agree. I was way too scared to think properly when I was presented with the possibility (the cues...) that she is ignoring me like my once best friend did.
Plus, I believe I had subconsciously looked at her as a substitute for my lost best friend. It had never happened to me that I trusted and opened up myself to a new friend in such a short period of time (~1month). There are a lot of things in her that keep reminding me of my lost best friend.
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