Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Courage, Hopes. It's painful to even think about it. You are right, the most important thing is just be with her, give her warmness of your heart and days of your life. Just talk, and maybe laugh remembering childhood. It will be hard, but you know what, it would be harder if you were unable do go. Wish you to be strong and less pain to her.
Last edited by BusyMeAK; 02-16-2014 at 03:52 AM..
Reason: spelling
Hopes, my heart broke for you and your family as I read your OP. This thread is full of good ideas though, so hopefully you've been able to incorporate some of them by now.
My favorite one is the handwritten letter. If you don't hear from her, I would find a picture of the two of you together, preferably from your childhood, but really the best one you can find, and frame it beautifully and send it to her with a little note saying "I'm here for you," or something like that. Contact the BIL and your niece and get a gauge on how she's doing emotionally. Like others said, she may just want people to sit with her rather than to talk with her. Or maybe you could go over, clean the house, cook a good meal (one that freezes well) and just build in some time that she may choose to reach out to you if she wants. She may just be so tired of thinking and talking about the inevitable...she may just want the chance to relax...maybe even share some laughs, as odd as that may sound.
My grandmother reached a stage in her last few weeks (breast cancer too) where she wanted to relive family memories and share some laughter. She wanted to talk a lot about her childhood memories as well, and she spent a lot of time reliving memories of her mother (they were very close). In fact, when she got to the stage where she really couldn't talk without great effort, she seemed restless and unsettled somehow, and I don't know why we thought of this, but we decided to bring in a photo of her mother when she was a young mother herself (when my grandmother was a little girl). As soon as we brought in that photo, my beautiful grandmother's face broke into a huge smile! She spent a lot of time those last few days looking into her mother's eyes in that photo, and at one point during her last day, she told us, mostly with gestures and a few whispered words, that her mother and her brothers were standing over in the corner of the room. She was not afraid of them -they seemed to comfort her.
During her last few hours, she seemed to get more fretful - my youngest daughter had not made it in yet from college (she had been taking finals). She finally got there, and my grandmother relaxed. It was important for her to get to see those she loved. After my daughter left the room, my dad and I went in there and my dad said, "Mother, I think your mom is waiting for you." Her face literally lit up. He said, "She's got the pot roast ready, and the feather beds fluffed up - I know she's looking forward to seeing you!" Hopes, it was so beautiful - my grandmother's eyes lit up and though she hadn't talked in several days, she looked over to the corner of the room and pointed there and smiled and mouthed "Mother. Brothers." Then she closed her eyes and a couple of hours later, she was gone - very peacefully.
Oh, and after she "said goodbye" to everyone, I don't know how we knew it, but somehow we knew she wanted to be alone. Actually I think she just seemed tired so we wanted to let her rest, and that's when she passed away. My first thought was, "OH no - no one was with her!" and then I realized that her mother was with her. Also, the hospice staff told us that they very often see people in the final stages wanting to be alone more often - and sometimes that's difficult for the family, but the thing is that death is a very intensely personal thing, and some people prefer more privacy than others.
I hope this helps - that understanding helped me. My grandmother wasn't one to talk about her feelings or her death - in fact, the only thing she ever said about dying is that she felt that it was her moral obligation to fight for her life, so we could never really talk with her about her death, her final wishes, etc. This was frustrating - but apparently only frustrating to US. We have to respect the dignity and wishes of the person who is dying and put their needs above ours. She never did open up, but in the end it was important to her for us to be around her and available. She didn't want to talk but she wanted to feel our love - on her terms. In the end, it didn't matter that we didn't talk. She knew we loved her, and we knew she loved us. It was very interesting and poignant to watch an 86 year old woman become like a little girl, so joyful when she sensed her mother close by.
I cried when I read this thread and I don't cry often. So many good suggestions that I have jotted many of them down to think about.
Hopes, my thoughts and prayers are with you, your sister and the families.
Just before my mother passed away, she said her mother had come to see her and she had talked to her sister, Ada......I hope that was a comfort to her.
Be there for your sister, let her take the lead and do not have regrets.
I am sorry along with everyone else, Hopes. Next week it will be 8 years since my brother died after a long illness. It's hard to lose a sibling--it's different type of pain than losing a parent or grandparent or friend.
I don't know how close you are, but in my family, we were never very mushy between the sibs. However, the week before my bro died, I told him I loved him. I still carry the memory of the light in his eyes and his smile when I said it.
I thought I'd continue to share sister related stuff in this thread instead of creating others.
She doesn't want to see anyone because she's trying to protect her immune system for surgery. Her surgery isn't until mid-April. Looking back at the start of this thread, I see it will be two months after the biopsy. It's frustrating that it takes so long to start cancer treatment. I always imagined people were whisked away and treated swiftly.
We talk once, sometimes twice a week. Well. She talks. I listen. The few times I briefly gave updates about my family, I felt like they were inconsequential. I was just filling air and giving her updates like I normally do. I don't really know what to say to her. I just listen and tell her I love her. I feel sort of useless. There's no cheering her up. I don't try. That's why she talks to me. She finds some comfort in not having to put a fake smile on her face. She has to do that enough at work. I'm sure she does that with her family to an extent too. My mother did.
Even though I've buried many family members, I realized this is the first time I've been involved in another person's emotional aspect of facing terminal illness. Everyone else died suddenly, except my mother. She didn't share her fears with us because we were her children even though we were adults. I just want to get this right.
Some people here posted to share happy memories of our childhood together. The timing doesn't seem right. It's just not appropriate to bring up in these conversations we're having. Maybe that comes later. I've thought about sending her a letter, telling her how much she means to me, how much she has always meant to me---so she can know she is important to me.
This is the first time I haven't viewed a death from the perspective of my loss. I'm not thinking of me and my feelings. I'm focused on her and what she's going through and wishing I could make it all better when I can't. My father always said he hoped he would die in his sleep. Now I know why.
I have to say without even reading any of this. Just the initial thread. I have a tremendous amount of family members that have passed from cancer. The most recent has been my uncle just this past fall. I remember from a very young age my great grandfather, and my SO has been diagnosed just this past winter who is currently undergoing chemo at this moment. It is a terrible disease, and I have, given my family history have accepted the inevitable.
I couldn't even bring myself to read past the second page without crying, I send my prayers to you and your family in this time of need, ::Hugs:: I'm so sorry you are experiencing this again in your life, but I just can't read anymore. I send you and your family the best. ::Extra hugs::
I thought I'd continue to share sister related stuff in this thread instead of creating others.
She doesn't want to see anyone because she's trying to protect her immune system for surgery. Her surgery isn't until mid-April. Looking back at the start of this thread, I see it will be two months after the biopsy. It's frustrating that it takes so long to start cancer treatment. I always imagined people were whisked away and treated swiftly.
We talk once, sometimes twice a week. Well. She talks. I listen. The few times I briefly gave updates about my family, I felt like they were inconsequential. I was just filling air and giving her updates like I normally do. I don't really know what to say to her. I just listen and tell her I love her. I feel sort of useless. There's no cheering her up. I don't try. That's why she talks to me. She finds some comfort in not having to put a fake smile on her face. She has to do that enough at work. I'm sure she does that with her family to an extent too. My mother did.
Even though I've buried many family members, I realized this is the first time I've been involved in another person's emotional aspect of facing terminal illness. Everyone else died suddenly, except my mother. She didn't share her fears with us because we were her children even though we were adults. I just want to get this right.
Some people here posted to share happy memories of our childhood together. The timing doesn't seem right. It's just not appropriate to bring up in these conversations we're having. Maybe that comes later. I've thought about sending her a letter, telling her how much she means to me, how much she has always meant to me---so she can know she is important to me.
This is the first time I haven't viewed a death from the perspective of my loss. I'm not thinking of me and my feelings. I'm focused on her and what she's going through and wishing I could make it all better when I can't. My father always said he hoped he would die in his sleep. Now I know why.
Dear Hopes, I missed this thread until just now....
I am so very sorry for all your beloved sister is enduring, and for how you are suffering along with her!
You might not think you can "make it better", but just being there willing to walk through this with her is helping more than you know. So try not to beat yourself up over not doing "enough".
Let me just tell you what I did in a similar situation and maybe it will be helpful to you okay?
LAUGHTER, lots of laughter whenever possible.
I know it seems weird to laugh at a time like this, but honestly, it can be sooooo good for the person who is suffering and/or dying.
While you of course want to follow her lead a bit and not crack jokes at the minute she's at her worst, try to look for opportunities to laugh together.
If you live near enough to visit often, rent funny movies or stand up comedy shows you can watch together. There are also some great videos from motivational type speakers who tell humerous stories that can make you laugh so much. You could email her links.
A simple gesture, but can be a deep experience for you both.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My thoughts are with you.
