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I’m at my wits end so I wanted to throw this up here to see if anyone has any advice.
My 2nd wife and I have been married for 8 years. When we were married my kids were 9 (son) and 10(daughter) and both lived with my ex-wife, their mother. I saw them every week, and every other weekend and stayed very close to them even buying a house within the same school district so they could be close.
The same year I got married to my 2nd wife I was transferred to NY City, about 7 hrs away. My new wife loved this idea because she always wanted to live in NYC and happily accompanied me there. It was supposed to be temporary but lasted about 18 months and I kept the house in Rochester because I knew I’d be moving back and did trips back & forth all the time I was in NYC to see my children. During this time my son, now 11 was going through some real problems living at my ex-wife’s house. He was diagnosed with depression & anxiety and was told he’d benefit from a more structured environment. He was on medication and wasn’t doing any better academically (he failed 6th grade) or socially (was very withdrawn and had no friends). When we moved back to Rochester my new wife suggested he needed to come live with us because we could offer him a better living environment and he’d be better off here. All parties involved agreed.
Now fast forward 5 years later and the move into our house has definitely benefited him! He’s doing great in school, has a few friends but still suffers some social problems, is off of some of the medication and has really done well since he’s been living with us. He’s a great kid, polite, empathetic and would give you his last $1 if he thought you needed it. He’s got 2 years left in high school and so far it sounds like a success story! Except my wife & him are driving me crazy! After him living with us for 5 years they are on each other’s nerves all the time!!! She resents the fact we HAD to leave NYC to return to Rochester because she loved NYC. She hates her job in Rochester but loved her job in NYC. She says her kids are grown (all in their late 20’s) and that raising my kids wasn’t part of her “plan”. She has 3 kids, 1 she’s close to, 1 so-so and 1 has nothing to do with her. She always says she was a crappy mother, way too strict and never any fun. I kind see what she means. She barely speaks to him and when she does she goes out of her way to be mean to him such as the other day when she yelled at him for having the light on in his room (he was in there) because he should open the blinds as it was daytime outside. Or that he walked past the recycle bin without putting things into it yet didn’t say anything about cleaning out the litter box, moving the garbage cans and cutting the lawn…nope, focused right on the recycle bin and his failure to place some items in it. WTH?? He's a typical unmotivated teenager and we've made huge strides and continue to make progress (he's got a summer job lined up) but I'll admit he does require some additional motivation at times. I’ve tried sitting them down to talk to each other but she claims she has nothing to say to him and he clams right up knowing she really doesn’t want him there. She refuses to go to counseling and life just gets more & more unbearable.
So I’m at my wits end!! I’ve tried to keep this short and to the point. Any advice?
Of all the things you wrote, the one thing that struck me the most was that your wife said "Raising your kids wasn't part of my plan." That says it all. She is resentful that her life with you includes responsibilities of parenting.....but she knew you had children and SHOULD have known this was a possibility.
What does SHE want at this point? Has she asked that your son go back to his mother's house (not a good idea based on what you've said). Does she want to go back to NYC for work and be with you on weekends? Does she want a divorce? Or does she just plan to keep behaving badly toward your son, sending the message that she does not want him there. What a pitifully sad way for your son to be treated.
Ideally she could find the strength and patience and maturity to be a kind, loving step-mom for a couple more years, but it sounds like that's not even her goal. Her refusal to go to counseling is a huge red flag.
I'm sure there are parts of the story, from her point of view, that we're not getting here. But perhaps you will get some great advice here, and can print out this thread for her to read, even let her add her own comments to the thread.
I have seen this situation play out very badly with a cousin of mine. His son did not end up being a great kid because my cousin kow-towed to his new wife.
Your wife's behavior is very selfish, and you cannot have a selfish adult "raising" a child.
As a father, having seen how precarious things are for your son, you MUST choose. She has put you in this position.
From her own words, it is apparent that she never thought the kids would actually live with you. Tell your wife that she is being a harmful influence on your son and that if she does not go to counseling, she can pack up and move to NYC and live the life that WAS part of her plan.
Where were "her" kids in the picture? Did any of them live with you in the early years of your marriage? If not, your wife had no idea what living with a teen-aged boy would be like when he was only 11 and she suggested he come to live with you.
I sense there's a lot more going on than just her resenting your boy. She doesn't like Rochester; she doesn't like her job in Rochester; she admits to being a crappy Mother. You want her to go to counseling, she doesn't want to. Are we really hearing the whole story?
As for being mean to him, I told my kids to open the blinds; I scolded them for walking past the recyclables. It's what parents do.
Has she been this way since he arrived on the doorstep or is this a new turn of events? Is she the only one correcting him? Have you abdicated your role as parent because you view him as fragile?
Before you accuse me of picking on you and defending her, I'm only trying to suggest that there may be something more than what's on the surface. I hope you can get it fixed.
Where were "her" kids in the picture? Did any of them live with you in the early years of your marriage? If not, your wife had no idea what living with a teen-aged boy would be like when he was only 11 and she suggested he come to live with you.
I sense there's a lot more going on than just her resenting your boy. She doesn't like Rochester; she doesn't like her job in Rochester; she admits to being a crappy Mother. You want her to go to counseling, she doesn't want to. Are we really hearing the whole story?
As for being mean to him, I told my kids to open the blinds; I scolded them for walking past the recyclables. It's what parents do.
Has she been this way since he arrived on the doorstep or is this a new turn of events? Is she the only one correcting him? Have you abdicated your role as parent because you view him as fragile?
Before you accuse me of picking on you and defending her, I'm only trying to suggest that there may be something more than what's on the surface. I hope you can get it fixed.
Great post and questions! I used to be a stepparent and there is usually always more to a situation than just a couple of paragraphs presented here.
I think it's wonderful that the son is flourishing, but was there ever any acknowledgement of what the wife's sacrifices were? I found that bioparents sometimes don't recognize the sacrifices that a stepparent makes, because the bioparent would do anything for their child, but the stepparent doesn't always have that same bond and devotion to that child. And FWIW, I don't think a strict parent is a bad parent, it's just a different style of parenting.
I agree indeed and I think a divorce is in order and you must do it now for your sons sake . Your son needs you more than she does ...Good luck this is a very hard place to be put in .
You have to go to family counseling or let wifey move back to the city for the next couple of years while you and your son stay behind. You can see your wife on the weekends. She can start looking for a new job in the city and you guys can start planning for it. That should ease some tension around her feeling trapped. The kid will be leaving the nest soon, you can make it another 30 months.
First, make it clear to your son that you're committed to him. If she pushes you to choose, you'll choose him. That's what parents do.
Then, make the same thing clear to your wife. Tell her that you're staying in Rochester until your son is an adult and that she is free to look for another job, or move back to NYC if that's what she wants.
Assuming you want to stay married, listen to what she has to say and make whatever concessions you can. Make sure your son is treating her respectfully and doing whatever reasonable things she is asking him to do.
Good luck to you. Sounds like an awful position to be in.
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