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So my step-father had a stroke two weeks ago. It was very hard on him and on my mother who had to take time off work, shuttling between home and the hospital, spending time with him and taking care of my 13 year old brother, a dog and the house in general. My step-father got lucky, no permanent damage, but up to 3 months of light activity for recovery. He can go back to work soon.
During the week he was in the hospital, there were a lot of unknowns and my mother was rightfully very concerned, stressed and worried. I just had a baby and am breast feeding and it would have made it very difficult for me to leave my job, arrange child care, go to her (they live in another state) and help. I told her I will help in any way I can, I just can't physically come right now. I'm always there to help. I took leave from my job to watch my then 11 year old brother while my mom and step-father went to my grandfathers funeral overseas.
Anyway, we have another brother. He is 28. He and his wife also live in another state. He works, they don't have any kids. This is his father that had a stoke. I thought that he should have gone and helped my mother for a few days and saw his father. Talking to my step-dad over the phone, he sounded very scared and upset that this happened (his is very active and being bed-ridden was upsetting). I think he would have enjoyed a visit from his son.
I haven't said anything, and won't, but I'm angry that my brother did not go. At the very least to see his father, but also to help my mom. We got lucky that everything went OK this time around, but my parents are aging and I'm concerned as to the future.
Should I have told him to go? Maybe he didn't realize. I'm not very close with him, but we talk here and there. Since we live pretty far apart, it's hard to see each other. I always invite him down to visit, he never comes. He barely comes to see my parents either. Him and his wife are very self involved. You would be sitting across the table from them talking to them, then all of a sudden they would turn to each other and start whispering and you weren't finished. Very awkward.
Just looking for some personal experiences, advice, insight, suggestions...
I would speak up. Not angrily, just initiate a conversation about your parents aging, and the need to keep a closer eye on things. Ask him how much time he can commit to, even if it's just to help with maintenance issues.
My mother keeps a calendar, because all of us take turns visiting. She doesn't live close to any of her children, so we discuss among ourselves who can visit and when, with the goal of at least one person per month.
You can rarely do anything to "force" another person to do the right thing as you perceive it. You can make sure they have the info since often parents are very selective in what information they provide to their children and relatives. But you cannot force him or nag him into doing anything.
What you can do is do what you can to help and let your parents deal with their other children.
You can rarely do anything to "force" another person to do the right thing as you perceive it. You can make sure they have the info since often parents are very selective in what information they provide to their children and relatives. But you cannot force him or nag him into doing anything.
What you can do is do what you can to help and let your parents deal with their other children.
So my step-father had a stroke two weeks ago. It was very hard on him and on my mother who had to take time off work, shuttling between home and the hospital, spending time with him and taking care of my 13 year old brother, a dog and the house in general. My step-father got lucky, no permanent damage, but up to 3 months of light activity for recovery. He can go back to work soon.
During the week he was in the hospital, there were a lot of unknowns and my mother was rightfully very concerned, stressed and worried. I just had a baby and am breast feeding and it would have made it very difficult for me to leave my job, arrange child care, go to her (they live in another state) and help. I told her I will help in any way I can, I just can't physically come right now. I'm always there to help. I took leave from my job to watch my then 11 year old brother while my mom and step-father went to my grandfathers funeral overseas.
Anyway, we have another brother. He is 28. He and his wife also live in another state. He works, they don't have any kids. This is his father that had a stoke. I thought that he should have gone and helped my mother for a few days and saw his father. Talking to my step-dad over the phone, he sounded very scared and upset that this happened (his is very active and being bed-ridden was upsetting). I think he would have enjoyed a visit from his son.
I haven't said anything, and won't, but I'm angry that my brother did not go. At the very least to see his father, but also to help my mom. We got lucky that everything went OK this time around, but my parents are aging and I'm concerned as to the future.
Should I have told him to go? Maybe he didn't realize. I'm not very close with him, but we talk here and there. Since we live pretty far apart, it's hard to see each other. I always invite him down to visit, he never comes. He barely comes to see my parents either. Him and his wife are very self involved. You would be sitting across the table from them talking to them, then all of a sudden they would turn to each other and start whispering and you weren't finished. Very awkward.
Just looking for some personal experiences, advice, insight, suggestions...
My advice is to let it go and not say anything to your step brother, you stated you are not close and it is really between him and his Father should there be any discussion about this issue.
You can only do what you feel is right but you cannot force someone else or even suggest for them to do what you feel is right. They may be unable to visit for whatever reason that you are unaware of, they may have had a tiff with each other that you are unaware of.
Basically stay out of it.
Next time should you have to go through this, call your brother and ask him if it's anyway possible that he can give your mom a hand with your father. Tell him that you really would like to be there because they need the help but, it is no way that you can make it there this time because you have so much going on right now. But no, you can't make anyone do the right thing .
Next time should you have to go through this, call your brother and ask him if it's anyway possible that he can give your mom a hand with your father. Tell him that you really would like to be there because they need the help but, it is no way that you can make it there this time because you have so much going on right now. But no, you can't make anyone do the right thing .
This is about the only thing that you can do.
He may not go, but at least you let him know that you are not able to go and your parents need some help.
Next time should you have to go through this, call your brother and ask him if it's anyway possible that he can give your mom a hand with your father. Tell him that you really would like to be there because they need the help but, it is no way that you can make it there this time because you have so much going on right now. But no, you can't make anyone do the right thing .
Well this 28 yr old man is not the OP's brother. If she is referring to her mother's husband as a "stepdad", and this is his son, than this would be her step-brother. So that adds a layer of distance.
Did the OP and this "brother" even ever live under the same roof? Or did their parents marry after they were on they're own?
It's one thing to have a frank discussion with your actual sibling whom you grew up with about your actual parents in regards to who does what in a family situation(and even that can get dicey), it is a whole other ballgame when you're dealing with adult children from previous marriages.
always give options, if he cant come see his dad right now,,,maybe he can send money- if you or others have to miss work
or maybe dad needs some new accommodations at home...
yeah, unfortunately family that lives close is expected to do more- but that's where you also may have to speak up
ive also witnessed another dynamic,,,older men having a hard time would much rather have women around than men - sounds dumb and sexist, but women are usually much more thoughtful in these situations.
that's why I say have the out of state guy/son send money
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