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I am an adult black male 28 years old but right now I have a job that gives me barely any pay for a living wage while i search for other jobs. I have no where else to go. So I am trying to tough this out.
My mother has been critical, controlling, emotionally and physically abusive towards me since I can remember. I remember in high school I hated when my mother had to take me to school. She literally would curse me out from the moment we backed out the driveway until she dropped me off at the school's front door. She'd criticize my room, my appearance, my clothes EVERYTHING, it's like she wouldn't stop. She NEVER EVER cared for my opinions or seemed to have remorse at all. If i were to mention this to her, she would get defensive deny it and accuse me of being sensitive and that whatever she said she was doing it for the best. To no surprise I was very, very evil, defensive and depressed as a teen, a very sad young man and even had suicidal thoughts that continue to this day
Recently, there was an incident where out of nowhere my mother accuses me cashing in 20.00 worth of bottles and keeping the money for myself, saying it was her money. I don't even recycle. She says i am a liar. Some weekends when I don't work or have much to do, I stay in the bedroom and play Flight Simulator 2004. I don't always feel like going out. Well, she says that I am not normal,I'm a computer freak that most people would sit on the porch or the backporch instead of being in their room all day flying Boeing 747-400's on a computer. Yea, sit on the porch in 23 degree weather all day my ass.
Then she told me that I look like a retard. I'm a dumb dora. A Stupid. Dad chimes in saying i'm an ugly black Mod cut: inappropriate language. I tried defending myself by saying i am not, but never got to, as she started hitting and cussing me, saying don't talk back to her. When I defended myself it got worse and she called me a 'Snip' and that if I dare hit her back she'll knock me out and throw me out the house.
She is controlling of my life, she acts as if she is the one that is living it. She takes my meager paycheck and gives me back barely anything out of it. She doesn't care whether i don't have enough for shoes. She goes things like this in every aspect of my life.
She talks about the clothes that I wear, saying I am too old to be dressing like someone in a cult (trench-coat and all black). She tells me that I am not that young/You're not grown, you're a child and I am pushing 30. she makes me feel so miserable. I cannot enjoy the moment, she is always reminding me that I am getting old. I never feel young at all.
What is it? Is it jealousy or what?? I don't understand why she is like this...why she is so physically and emotionally abusive. She tells me that I am the one that is not normal when really it's her. Whenever she gets into one of these modes where she feels like picking on me, if I respond to her it will make the situation worse. She gets illogical, emotional and abusive--telling me to shut up and listen. But if I don't speak that drives her crazy too
If I don't do something the way she wants me to do it, like clean a window the way she intructed, she'll say that I don't know how to follow directions and that means I will never amount to anything, or im a sorry Snip. If I forget something, no matter how trite, she'll account that to my inability to keep a job saying that I will probably end up dead or I might end up in jail because I am careless. Everything i do is wrong to her and dad. They say I'm a horrible person. They have destroyed my spirit. How do i cope??
Last edited by PJSaturn; 03-04-2013 at 12:49 PM..
Reason: word correction
You are almost 30 and shouldn't be living like you are. It is not healthy for you. Move somewhere else. Enroll in college (yes, you can. Even at your age.) and live on campus. Get another job (in a different state) and get out. Clearly, you cannot stay where you are.
Personally, if my mother hit me...I would call the police. That is assault.
I had to move back home due to recession anyway. I can enroll in community College at Royal oak. Thing is, i have no friends. i can't stay with just anyone. So i can just go to school so i can look for a job cross country while continuing to work for target here in southfield..Thank You for your input.
Stop giving your mother money and just save what you can. If your parents decide that they rather kick you out for not ... paying them, I guess that would be a better reality than what you're living in right now, no? If you can seriously say no, it would not be a better reality-- then obviously you're just going to have to endure your parents' abuse while you figure a way out.
Is your mother's behavior new? If it isn't, what's the point of asking why she's like this? Some people are just toxic and/or nuts to the bone.
Get out of the house. Get a second job, get a room mate or two, etc. Just get yourself gone. Worry about more schooling only after you're gone.
The situation will never improve. The only cure is to remove yourself from it. Do a search on Google on how to find reliable room mates. Room mates don't have to be friends. They just need top be mostly compatible people who will pay their share of the rent on time.
You need to get out. My parents were verbally abusive as well and your story is similar to mine in a lot of ways. I remember one incident in high school, my dad and I were going to this Dad-Daughter dinner dance, I didn't have directions to the hotel and nether did he, but apparently it was my fault, he cursed me the entire way there until we finally found the hotel. I'm black also, dark-skinned, the darkest one in my immediate family. My mom would call me ugly and my dad would call me black wench. I can tell you a bunch of other stories and the abuse was a daily thing. And the backlash if I defended myself! According to them, I was sassing them and being disrespectful. My dad even threatened to hit me in the face with a glass plate if I talked back to him. It came to the point where I would tune the abuse out. I stayed in my room a lot as well, I think it was to stay out of their way. I'm not sure where it comes from or why they do it, maybe it was the way they were raised, maybe it's their own insecurities, I don't know.
The best thing I did was leave to go away to college. You need to get out of that environment, away from them and work on building your self-esteem, because the longer you're there, the abuse will eat away at it. Can you get a part time job so you can find your own place? Or get a roommate or rent a room somewhere?
I also want to add, I was away from home for 10 years and would visit every couple of years, call once a week. It had gotten better. The abuse was little if any. You said your mom still sees you as a child, maybe once you leave home and make it on your own she will treat you and respect you as an adult and the abuse will diminish.
Last edited by jaynaydee; 03-04-2013 at 02:08 PM..
My heart breaks for you, you sound like such a nice young man and you are going through such a tough situation. You aso have some real insights into why your Mother nehaves this way, you've already identified her as having emotional and perhaps a mental illness. That mean you are very intelligent emotionally.
That hard part is knowing and not knowing how to help yourself.
I would strongly urge you to find support outside your home. There are groups for folks, family members like you to attend that would offer you insights and help you to have somewhere to vent and also develop coping skills. This page has a menu on the right...I would check for family support and maybe someone to talk to. The worst thing you can do is to sit in your room and isolate yourself, you are probably suffering some depression yourself. Call and speak to someone and get yourself into some supportive groups and counseling...Mental Health America: Co-dependency
NAMI National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. This link may offer some networking in family support or perhaps meetings in your area. NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy Look for organizations in your area that may have family support. Also look online for forums, like City-Data so that you can share what you are going through. City Data has some wonderful supportive members, please check of the mental heath forum. I am confident that you will find some support. Even if you are in your room talking to others and gaining some coping skills it may help you a lot. Here is a link. https://www.city-data.com/forum/mental-health/ I hope you find some support and are able to eventually change your living arrangements so that you can limit your contact if that is what you desire.https://www.city-data.com/forum/mental-health/ God Bless you.
Assuming that you have a clean record, a high school diploma or GED, and no disabilities, I would look into enlisting with a branch of the military. At 28 you need to be giving serious thought to growing up and starting a career, not bouncing around dead-end jobs while living with your folks and playing video games in your spare time.
Assuming that you have a clean record, a high school diploma or GED, and no disabilities, I would look into enlisting with a branch of the military. At 28 you need to be giving serious thought to growing up and starting a career, not bouncing around dead-end jobs while living with your folks and playing video games in your spare time.
Did you give any thought to what the OP stated? For instance, he moved back home because of the recession and he's paying his parents to live there. It's difficult to get all the deposits and money together when you have a job from Target...they don't pay all that well. He plays video games to get away from his God-awful parents. When you're depressed, it's difficult to do just about anything and you certainly don't want to dwell on reality...sheesh, have a little more empathy?
Anyway, I think the OP should check into renting a room. It's a basic start. DON'T give your paycheck to your parents. They abuse your money like they abuse you. Like another pointed out, what are they going to do if you don't give them your check? What could be worse than what they're already doing? The best thing is to get out of there...then you can start thinking about what YOU'D like to do with the rest of your life...what do YOU enjoy...how can you make money at it or at least, enjoy your spare time with other activities. You'll make friends, maybe slowly, that will help you get out of that negative space in your head. You just have so many things you could look forward to if you'd get out from under their freaking spell.
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