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Background:
My father has always been a domineering control freak with a short temper. He is an immigrant and comes from a patriarchal culture where men rule the home with an iron fist. He never hit me, but he terrorized us verbally and emotionally. His two children from a previous marriage left home as soon as they turned 18 and didn't have contact with him again until 2010, almost 15 years. I don't blame them for severing ties with our father, but I do blame them for abandoning my mom (who raised them almost from birth as her own) and me when I was so young.
Going to college was the best thing that happened to me because I finally escaped, and then I got a job in the same town where I graduated and I've finally been financially independent for the past 2 years. I kept minimum contact with my father. I never turned my back on my mom because I love her a lot, and we talked every day and I visited every holiday, which mean constantly appeasing my father and turning a blind eye to his misbehavior.
Then lightning stuck earlier this year when my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She is almost completely dependent on others for care. My father was her primary caregiver for the first 6 months of her illness, with me making no less than a dozen 500 mile trips to see them and help out. For the past 4 weeks I've been living with them being an almost 24/7 caregiver while I'm on temporarily FMLA leave from my job. I felt like I had to this because my mom is having trouble walking and toileting, and it's been too much for my father to handle on his own. I am trying to make plans to relocate my mom's care to my city so I don't lose my job. My mom's doctors don't think she will live more than another 6-12 months (but who knows), so the move won't be permanent for him. My parents have nothing to keep them where they are because they are both retired and have no friends or other family. A social worker and the insurance case manager said that the family should be in the same place in my city, and my father seemed to be in agreement with the plan.
Emails:
Then last night my half-brother forwarded two emails that my father had sent him in confidence. He said all kinds of terrible things about me. He accused me of having known for years about my mom's "mental illnesses" (she was taking Xanax for anxiety for years without my father's knowledge) and hiding them from him, and the fact that she didn't see a psychiatrist is why she developed the tumor, which is medically absurd. He wrote that I treated him like dirt for years and continue to do so now. He said that I am "trying to drag an old man out of his home" and to my city because I am selfish and only care about my money and my friends. He further wrote that I have a duty to my parents first, and said my half-brother needs to remind me of that because I am young and inexperienced, and that my half-brother is "the logical and intelligent son".
I am absolutely furious. I have sacrificed so much already to help take care of my mom, and I continue to put my own livelihood in jeopardy. My father seems to give his other children a pass on pitching in, maybe because he is wary of further damaging his relationship with them, or maybe because he feels like they shouldn't have to do anything because that's not their biological mom. I thought my father had changed because of my mom's illness because he is now so sweet to her, but I see that he is still a manipulative snake, and the only reason he is so sweet to her now is because she is no longer able to push back because of her cognitive deficits and dependence on him. The fact that he expects me to quit my job to be a full-time, uncompensated caregiver and become financially dependent on him again (my nightmare) is mind boggling.
Every bone in me wants to confront him and tell him exactly what I think about what kind of person he is. I am practically choking with bile. I admit that I am in part a product of my father, and I have in me a similar desire to lash out in extreme anger like he does. But I don't know what will happen. On some level I am still afraid of him, even though he is old and frail. And I worry that my mom will suffer from this.
Last edited by Cigur11; 09-01-2014 at 04:38 PM..
Reason: grammar
I would not say anything to your father. Your brother passed on to you emails sent in confidence to him. If you tell your father you know what he really thinks, then you would be betraying your brother. It could cause a rift in your relationship with your brother. This just creates more drama. If there is anything you don't need it's more strife in your life.
Basically you learned that your father hasn't changed a bit. He is who he has always been. Are you really surprised ? Keep telling yourself he's not ever going to change. Continue on with your plans for your mother. Move her closer to you. if he wants to come also fine- if not, leave him behind on his own.
Do not throw away your job and your financial safety over a cantankerous, self involved, nasty father who will never change.
What you have to focus on now is getting your mother moved and dealing with her illness. Put your dad on the back burner- so to speak. Ignore him, have as little conversation as possible. Right now, he's just not part of the equation.
I wonder what your half-brother intended when he forwarded the emails.
I understand where your father is coming from. He's old and frail, and you expect him to uproot from the familiar. He may not be able to handle that at his age.
You're between a rock and a hard place. By trying to do the right thing by your mother (admirable), you are dealing with a father who wants things his way. Take care of yourself first OP, but it won't be easy. I think your half-brother needs to step up and convince your father it's for the best.
Your brother sent these to warn you. I would ask him what you should do. Perhaps if your brother lives near your city, he can help, at least by spending some time with your Dad.
I really feel for you, this is a horrible situation for anyone to be in. The fact is, you have got to focus on your Mother, she is the important one.....After she is gone, sorry but no other way to say it...you can choose to never have anything to do with him again.
You have got to look out for yourself in this equation....Your job, your life are very important...If you are afraid of your Father, don't take him with you. Or, move them into housing in your city, and just care for your mother on your time off....or, perhaps your Mom needs a skilled nursing facility, or home health, or even hospice...usually 6mths is the time that hospice is initiated....there are several options, depending upon her needs medically.
I would certainly discuss this with the social worker, also share your fears, and they can help diffuse this situation. They can find care for your mother in your city, and housing for your Father. I'll keep you in my prayers as you go through this.
Don't be mad at your siblings for bailing. They were looking after themselves, which is what you should be doing. I suspect that is why your brother forwarded you your father's emails. Your father is not your ally, and you really must never forget that. Don't let him manipulate you or guilt you.
Provide your mother what you can manage without jeopardizing your future. Get social services involved.
Don't be mad at your siblings for bailing. They were looking after themselves, which is what you should be doing.
There's a big difference between looking out for themselves and doing almost nothing at all, which is what is happening. I am extremely resentful that I got stuck with all caregiving duties as the youngest child, especially because I am the least financially prepared and the least established. My father abuses me regularly even though I am the one who is here helping, and then he has the nerve to badmouth me behind my back to the children who fled and aren't really contributing.
I can't just leave my mom with him, especially because he refuses to hire help. I have to figure out an alternative solution that allows me to still keep my job.
But if they relocate then you are stuck with your father forever. I would rethink that. I'm sorry your father is so mean. You have done well in growing up and getting your own life, you should be proud. You sound like a wonderful daughter to your Mom. Give your dad to God and let him deal with him, don't take it on anymore than you have.
There's a big difference between looking out for themselves and doing almost nothing at all, which is what is happening. I am extremely resentful that I got stuck with all caregiving duties as the youngest child, especially because I am the least financially prepared and the least established. My father abuses me regularly even though I am the one who is here helping, and then he has the nerve to badmouth me behind my back to the children who fled and aren't really contributing.
I can't just leave my mom with him, especially because he refuses to hire help. I have to figure out an alternative solution that allows me to still keep my job.
My best friend was not being abused but she eventually had to leave her parents' home to avoid dealing with her mother's illness in the face of her father's failure to deal with it. He was forced to get help when she extracted herself from the equation.
Your father is an abusive, manipulative man. That stinks for your mother, but as long as she has given him decision-making power, your siblings may be making the rational choice to stay away. You might want to do the same. Your mother is an adult who chose to stay with an awful man. MAYBE if you convinced her to leave your father, your siblings would help out as long as they didn't have to deal with him.
Once one puts an abuser at a distance, it is very hard to return to proximity with that person.
There's a big difference between looking out for themselves and doing almost nothing at all, which is what is happening. I am extremely resentful that I got stuck with all caregiving duties as the youngest child, especially because I am the least financially prepared and the least established. My father abuses me regularly even though I am the one who is here helping, and then he has the nerve to badmouth me behind my back to the children who fled and aren't really contributing.
I can't just leave my mom with him, especially because he refuses to hire help. I have to figure out an alternative solution that allows me to still keep my job.
Are you the only daughter? It is OK for you to tell your siblings that you cannot do this without their help. Ask them, what specifically can you do to help our mother?
Or what can they do to keep your father in his home while you arrange care for your mother near you?
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