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Hi everyone, I'm new here. I wanted a second opinion from other women on something that happened between my friend and I. I'm at crossroads as to what I should do to. It's a long and dull story, and I'm trying to do some soul-searching, so I'm sorry in advance for boring you all!
I've been very close to her for a number of years. Once we went on a weekend away together with a group of people (mostly friends). I had too much to drink and my friends brought me to my room, unconscious. They locked the door and left. At one point I realized I'm going groped by someone. I'm still half-passed out, so I can't fight him off, but I tried pleading with him. I remember I was crying faintly, as he was undressing me and breathing heavily into my ear. For some reason, he stopped doing that and fell asleep next to me (he didn't actually rape me).
When I woke up I had no idea who he was, but as I found out later, he was an acquaintance of an acquaintance, who must have broken into my room. I'm still drunk and confused, so I stumbled into another room in the house. It's early in the morning by now and my friends had just came back.
I wasn't THAT traumatized by what has just happened - maybe because I was drunk or probably because my mind often tends to numb my feelings out of self-preservation. But still it's something that has never happened to me. Yes, I know I'm an irresponsible idiot for getting that drunk, but I still don't think that I in any way deserved that. Anyway, I'm still shocked and I tell people that some random guy has just tried raping me. I don't know, maybe if I were sobbing uncontrollably, people would have taken me seriously, but I guess everyone assumed that I invited him myself or something? They start joking. I'm starting to get embarrassed and I don't want to make a scene, so I change the subject and try to joke.
Ok, finally about my friend. I guess I wasn't really mad with the rest of the group, because most weren't my "real" friends and were guys anyway. But I told her later in private what happened and I didn't get any emotional support. She just said something like "what a nightmare" and started talking about something else. As I said, I wasn't hysterical or anything, but I still think it's a big deal to happen to a friend. It was really scary to be paralyzed, while he was trying to take my underwear off.
What do you think you would have felt/said in her position? I just can't get over the feeling of how lonely I felt that morning. Not even a close friend would stand by me and try to defend me. Since then, I've distanced myself from her. She was confused for a while, but started acting cold in return. I really want to talk to her sometimes and tell her about my feelings, but I'm not sure if I have the right to be upset with her. Do you think I'm over-dramatizing the whole thing?
What do you think you would have felt/said in her position?
This isn't really a relevant question that is going to help you.
It sucks to feel like no one "gets it." But we can't really speculate without knowing you or your history with her. Do you tend to overdramatize stuff as a rule?
Hi everyone, I'm new here. I wanted a second opinion from other women on something that happened between my friend and I. I'm at crossroads as to what I should do to. It's a long and dull story, and I'm trying to do some soul-searching, so I'm sorry in advance for boring you all!
First, never apologize about what you post unless your post DESERVES an apology (for example, if have been mean or insulting, and most people don't even apologize for that)! People reach out for advice all the time, and I am one of them.
What concerns me more is the possibility that you might have been actually raped. If it's not too late, I would get myself checked out. (Of course, I am assuming that your story is true. Many people view forums like these as being a place for creative writing. Unfortunately.)
Anyway, YES, you definitely should have received a lot of support and concern!!
If you have to ask about your own feelings then it appears you don't know yourself and don't trust your own feelings.
No one here knows you, your friends, or what happened so no one here can really even venture to guess how you feel, if you should be upset, if you should talk to your friend, etc.
The only thing I can advise is to not get drunk when in a group of people you do not know well, actually it is best to not get drunk at all. Have a couple drinks and be done, always safer that way.
This isn't really a relevant question that is going to help you.
It sucks to feel like no one "gets it." But we can't really speculate without knowing you or your history with her. Do you tend to overdramatize stuff as a rule?
No, I think I'm a fairly calm person. What I'm trying to get out of this thread is whether how she reacted
could "objectively" be seen as something a good friend would do or is it something of more ambiguous.
Some people aren't good with feelings...if that's her and you can accept that is part of who she is, then it's a friendship that can work. If not...then you need another type of friend, someone who is good at talking about feelings and is more empathetic. Or a therapist.
As an aside, I feel like this question is more like a statement then a question.
If you have to ask about your own feelings then it appears you don't know yourself and don't trust your own feelings.
No one here knows you, your friends, or what happened so no one here can really even venture to guess how you feel, if you should be upset, if you should talk to your friend, etc.
The only thing I can advise is to not get drunk when in a group of people you do not know well, actually it is best to not get drunk at all. Have a couple drinks and be done, always safer that way.
I guess I shouldn't have named my thread that. I AM angry with her and I'm sad she didn't side with me, but I'm not sure if what I'm expecting of her was reasonable. Like I could be jealous that my bf keeps pics of his ex's, but that doesn't mean that I would be correct in demanding that he deletes them.
I don't trust my feelings because I'm judging through the prism of my experience, and maybe for a girl who didn't go through this that's more difficult to understand
No, I think I'm a fairly calm person. What I'm trying to get out of this thread is whether how she reacted
could "objectively" be seen as something a good friend would do or is it something of more ambiguous.
There are way too many variables for us to say.
Depends on her personality, YOUR personality, your dynamic together, your definition of a good friend, my definition, her definition.
BOTTOM LINE: If YOU feel that she was not legitimately supportive of you, you should discuss that with her.
First, never apologize about what you post unless your post DESERVES an apology (for example, if have been mean or insulting, and most people don't even apologize for that)! People reach out for advice all the time, and I am one of them.
What concerns me more is the possibility that you might have been actually raped. If it's not too late, I would get myself checked out. (Of course, I am assuming that your story is true. Many people view forums like these as being a place for creative writing. Unfortunately.)
Anyway, YES, you definitely should have received a lot of support and concern!!
Thank you for your support and opinion! I wondered myself if I could have been raped, but I think I would have been in pain, at least a little bit. I was too ashamed to get checked at the time, and it's too late now.
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