friend of 40 years won't call bec. she doesn't like my answering machine (jealous, person)

[ellenrr]

Is she nuts?
She doesn't like my msg. My msg says, "hello. you have reached (my number). Please leave a msg at the tone."
ok, not very creative, but surely it is not objectionable.

so what else is going on?
I have suggested to her that something else is going on, something about how she feels about me, and I would like to talk about it.
(our friendship spans almost 40 yrs, not that she is 40 y.o.)
Maybe I have not been attentive enough. I really do not have a clue as to what is going on.

a friend says to me that N. (my friend) wants to always be able to contact me. That's how it looks, but that's not realistic.
There are people who are always available, (I know people who bring their phone into the bathroom with them.) that's fine. but that's not me.

I mostly use my landline and bec. I don't have caller ID, I wait to hear the caller's voice, before I pick up. (I get a lot of hang-ups and telemarketers and anonymous idiots,)

Naturally if I hear my friend's voice, or any other friend or person I want to talk to, I pick up.

My friend N. thinks that I sit there when she calls and listen to her and don't pick up.
I don't know why she thinks that, and when I explain my procedure to her, she doesn't believe me.

She sounds like a nut, but she's an intelligent, caring person, who - for some reason - is making up some big problem in our relationship.

She has suggested: that I look on the computer (which records whoever calls even if they call and hang up) all the time, or use my "who called" feature, to see if she has called.
or to give her a time when she call call and I will be here.

These are not realistic. I do call her, that works ok, except that from time to time she gets into her rant about my answering machine, and why don't I pick up the phone, and I can't stand that rant.

I am really starting to think that she has some problem going on with her thinking ability, bec she doesn't make sense. We seem to be unable to find any common ground.

I have asked her please talk to another person, besides me, get their opinion.
she insists nothing is wrong except that I won't change my phone policy.

She lives on the other side of the country from me. If we could see each other face-to-face maybe we could resolve this.
I find this very relationship currently very draining, and wonder if I should just give up.

what are your thots?

[Fiona13]

She does sound very insecure. EVERYONE screens their calls by seeing the caller ID or listening to the voice like you do. There is no reason she should be upset about this and probably does it herself. Sometimes you are busy or don't want to talk or whatever. There is nothing wrong with that. She is crazy to expect anyone to drop everything just because she calls. Following her suggestions would mean you pick up whenever it rings and then have to listen to the surveys, telemarketers and political parties. Unreasonable.

The only suggestion she made that makes any sense at all would be to set a time to talk. I know people who do this with their parents (i.e. I talk to my mom every Wed night at 7:00). None of her other suggestions make sense and honestly if you are expected to be sitting by the phone and pick up every time it rings you should be getting a paycheck for those hours. That sure sounds like you are at work!

[ellenrr]

thank you. I agree with what you say!

As far as making a time to call,
I'll think about it but I don't know if that would work well for me.
Bec. I don't have a regular schedule.
During the day I'm in and out (I'm retired), and it would be a hardship for me to make sure I am in at a certain time.
Maybe I can say evening. I'm usually in in the evening.
I guess I feel like it 'cramps my style', bec. say I tell her to call Mon at 7, and then it turns out to be a beautiful evening, and I want to walk, or someone suggests an event.

but I'll think about it.

I'm glad to have another opinion bec. I am so flummoxed by her behavior and I hope that it is not me being unreasonable and putting this relationship at risk.

Originally Posted by Fiona13

She does sound very insecure. EVERYONE screens their calls by seeing the caller ID or listening to the voice like you do. There is no reason she should be upset about this and probably does it herself. Sometimes you are busy or don't want to talk or whatever. There is nothing wrong with that. She is crazy to expect anyone to drop everything just because she calls. Following her suggestions would mean you pick up whenever it rings and then have to listen to the surveys, telemarketers and political parties. Unreasonable.

The only suggestion she made that makes any sense at all would be to set a time to talk. I know people who do this with their parents (i.e. I talk to my mom every Wed night at 7:00). None of her other suggestions make sense and honestly if you are expected to be sitting by the phone and pick up every time it rings you should be getting a paycheck for those hours. That sure sounds like you are at work!

[AK-Cathy]

Set a time like Fiona suggested or the friendship will wither and die. You won't change her mind about your machine or your procedures. It is what it is and she is who she is.

It doesn't have to be a big ordeal though. Outside of the times you set/agree upon, quit worrying about her and your machine. If you see that she has called of course call her back.

Edit: You don't have to set a time/day in concrete. Set a day/time with each phone call and keep the schedule regardless if it's a beautiful day. If you want to keep this 40 y/o friendship you will have to give something too. I suspect that this friend intuits that she isn't "worth" a half hour of your life on a lovely Monday evening.

[Fiona13]

Is she one of those people that answers their cell phone even while driving or in the bathroom? Maybe she expects this of you as well. Part of friendship and maturity is accepting that people are different. You tried to talk to her to see if there was another issue, so I feel you have done your part. If she wants to make a huge deal of the way you deal with phone calls then that is on her. Some people are just controlling and the issue may be just in her head and nothing to do with you.

[KathrynAragon]

She sounds insecure and controlling (not an unusual combination).

My mother intensely dislikes caller ID and voice mail. She would much rather just call and have someone pick up, preferably without knowing it's her on the other end. When she finally realized that this just wasn't going to be the way I chose to operate (this was twenty years ago when caller ID and answering machines became easily available), she would leave sarcastic messages - in fact, she still does this sometimes, because like your friend, she still assumes that I'm just sitting there listening to her and choosing not to pick up the phone.

I just ignore it. She doesn't rant at me anymore about actually leaving a message (she rants in the message instead sometimes so I just don't listen to her messages and instead I call her back when it's convenient to me), so that's a step in the right direction. Once in awhile she'll say, "Well, didn't you listen to my message?" and I say, "No, because you leave snarky messages sometimes and I don't enjoy those. So I just called you back to see what you wanted to talk about." That usually takes the wind out of her sail.

I would tell your friend that this is the way it's going to be. I would tell her that you consider her constant railing against this very reasonable system you have in place as disrespectful and irritating, because you're not going to change it. I would tell her that you love her and value your friendship and you hope she does the same. Then I'd tell her that if she brings up the topic again, you're going to cut her off right then and there. If she insists, you are going to get off the phone (or if you're in person, you're going to get up and leave, but I realize she's across the country). In other words, do not let her subject you to this unreasonable and disrespectful ranting and railing for one more minute.

You yourself say that it's very draining and I believe you. I'm sure it saddens you. Honestly, I think you have some cause for concern about her mental health if she is, as you say, an otherwise intelligent, caring person. If this behavior is out of character, you may need to tell her that it concerns you. Do you know someone else who is friends with her or who lives close to her (like a family member) who you can talk to about this confidentially to see if they're picking up on possible mental issues, like possibly dementia? The reason why I ask that is that in some people with early dementia, they know something is wrong with their thought processes. This makes them feel very insecure. It also makes them unreasonably angry sometimes, because they'd rather blame their frustrations on the behaviors of others rather than face what might be a devastating truth about their own brain. Sad but true.

One more point. As others have stated, I think her idea of setting a time to talk is reasonable. I do think it's unreasonable of you to expect to have the freedom to "stand her up" so to speak, just to go outside and enjoy the sunset. If I were her, that would be insulting to me. I expect friends to keep their plans with me and not to drop them for frivolous reasons, though I am flexible. It's one thing to be a free spirit - it's another thing to blow off friends.

Good luck. Please keep us posted.

[ellenrr]

Cathy, it certainly seems to be the case that I won't change her!

Fiona, no I don't think she is like that with her cell phone.
yes, I agree to accepting how people are.
for ex, I have a friend who is not all that available on cell or landline. Sometimes I call one or both and leave a msg and she doesn't get back to me. Not a big deal. I'll just call her again.
I would never make a big deal of it with her. It is just her way.

My friend N seems to think that our long friendship is worth jeapardizing over this (to me) inconsequential thing. that is what baffles me.

I hope I can figure a way out of this.

I appreciate both your comments. I am trying to get a good perspective on this, and not just give up on what is my longest friendship.

[ellenrr]

Kathryn A, what you say about mental processes is very scary to me.
and I'll add something about my friend's behavior which concerns me greatly, and relates to what you say about dementia.
I gotta run out now, but will be back later today.
I hope you can check back later.

ellen

[Nodpete]

We were getting 5-10 calls a day from people we didn't know. So I changes my answering machine message to :
"If you're a solicitor, hang up NOW, if not, leave your name, number and a brief message and I'll get back to you"

The calls have almost stopped. This is on my land line. I only turn my cell phone on when I want to make a call.

And during the political campaigns, I told each candidate that called, that I was going to vote for them, but seeing that they bothered me during dinner , I would vote for their opponent.

[ellenrr]

Kathryn A,
this what happened and why yr statement - which I think is true - " The reason why I ask that is that in some people with early dementia, they know something is wrong with their thought processes. This makes them feel very insecure. It also makes them unreasonably angry sometimes, because they'd rather blame their frustrations on the behaviors of others rather than face what might be a devastating truth about their own brain. "

scares me.

A few years ago a friend from my locality (Diane) went to visit a cousin in the state where my friend Nancy lives. I gave each of them the others' phone number and suggested they call each other.

Well, they got together and a great time.

which is somewhat unusual bec. my friend Nancy is not the kind of person who loves everybody. She has few friends: me and one friend in her town, and the guy she lives with (whom I'm not sure should be called a friend).
Nancy and Diane went out to clubs and stayed out late going from place to place.

My 2 friends had a such a good time they raved about each other to me, they even planned a trip together. I kiddingly told my friend Nancy - that I was jealous, just remember I am your best friend.

so about 2 years after that visit I called Nancy to tell her Diane (my local friend) had had by-pass surgery and she was fine. My friend Nancy had no recollection of the event!
none. Not that she didn't remember Diane's name. Not that after I prompted her, she said oh yes now I remember.

She had no recollection of the event. Which to me said that there might be a problem with mental processes.
I mean I forget a lot, and most people my age forget a lot, but this kind of erasure of an unusual event, total erasure, seems to me to be serious. and of a different nature.

So now when you say about dementia, I recall this. and what you say makes sense. My step-mother had dementia for about 10 years. and not that I am an expert on it. but seems to me that what you say is correct.

I have told my friend many times how much I value her and love her. I have even hung up on her, when she insists on talking about my answering machine.

And as regards talking to some else about her, I have been thinking of that. As I said she has only one friend, but I do have that person's phone #.

Now - after writing here on this forum and getting feed-back, I decided that time is short - I am 67 and she is 75. So I am going to call her today and tell her that I am turning over a new leaf. I am not going to get mad anymore. If she doesn't want to call me, I'll just call her. If this is something she has no control over, I want to be there for her, and support her, instead of getting mad and thinking about how I have been hurt.

I have been hurt. But IF what is going on with her is some kind of deterioration of her mental processes, then it is up to me to be the calm person and the loving person, and not the person who makes demands on her, that perhaps she cannot fill.

I don't in fact know what her mental condition is, but I've had a sense for a number of years that something is not right. And if I am calm and loving and supportive, perhaps she will feel free to talk to me about it.
Certainly if I am whining and making recriminations to her, that will not make her feel safe.

thank you.
this interchange has really helped me. It has given me a new perspective.

I will let you know how it goes.

I deeply appreciate the input. This has bothered me so much for so long, and it terrifies me if indeed she is in serious mental trouble, but I feel good about the approach that I have decided to take.