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I think I have learned the hard way not to give unwanted advice. Sometimes it's just so hard to maintain silence on issues even though you know that anything you say will only hurt your relationship. I am trying to keep my mouth shut and just let my husband deal, or not deal, with his child.
My husband owns a rental property that he bought to help finance college for his children. His tenant recently moved out and he hired a painter to paint, lay new carpet and get it ready to be rented out again. Last night, he got a phone call from his 18 year old daughter. She asked if she could move into the rental property. He responded by saying, "I love you but no."
This morning, husband receives a call from the painter letting him know that someone had a party there last night. I think everyone but the painter knows that the daughter broke in there to party--she did that at my house after her dad and I married, before we sold my house; she had a party at her dad's house before that, ruining the walls with the stuff inside glow sticks. About a month ago, her mother found a pipe in her car. Most recently she showed up high at her sister's school concert. She has not received any consequences at all for any of these incidents.
She lived with us until this spring. My mother, who is recovering from radiation therapy (brain tumors), was visiting with us. During this visit, the daughter decided to have sex with her boyfriend after her dad went to work. I told him about it. She decided to go live with her mom. She hates me and has not hesitated to show her hatred with her fists, her text messages and her filthy mouth.
So please give me advice on not saying anything to my husband or commenting on her latest party. I know I need to tell my husband to turn down the volume on his cell phone so I don't hear the other end of his conversations. I truly would rather not know since he consistently does nothing but lets her go on with her party life. Based on his track record, he will do nothing.
I am trying to stay out of it but it gives me a slow burn. Please give me advice on how to think of something else. Okay, so I have not completely learned not to give unwanted advice to my husband, but I am reaching out for help.
I know, it's hard. I give tons of unsolicited advice, and the trick is to make it as low-key as possible.
I guess you need some neutral phrase for whenever he talks about it, like, "Huh. Odd." or "What are you doing to do?" What if you suddenly remembered something you had to do elsewhere at home, and just strolled out of the room?
It's not surprising that the daughter hates you, but her behavior is unacceptable. I don't text, so I don't know if it's possible to block someone's texts. But does your husband know about the language and the fists? The hitting, especially, is totally totally unacceptable. I mean, that's the kind of thing people call the cops for. So you need to talk to someone - your husband? a counselor? - to stop this.
He was there when she hit me. He pulled her off of me. He has been to see a counselor but takes none of the advice. He seems totally incapable of parenting.
I blocked her number.
Last edited by photobuff42; 12-14-2014 at 03:53 PM..
There's no easy answer - it's just keeping your mouth shut, even when you are tempted to speak. I struggle with this when dealing with my inlaws, but I know from experience that if I keep my mouth shut, things are far more likely to work out the way I want.
Complain about her in places like this, where you can get commiseration and empathy, and just keep your thoughts to yourself as much as possible around him.
It too late to parent. It's not too late to cut off financial support, unless it's still under a court order.
If you want to stay married to this guy ( and realize, that the end is hopefully in sight as far as Daddy duty goes), then just pound the keyboard and vent away like you did in the OP. By what you've said, I doubt any options are open for discussions with your spouse.
Wow. I would certainly stay away from her - for you own safety. Unfortunately, since your husband allows her to behave badly you are pretty much screw*d.
I agree with another poster. IF he asks you anything about his daughter I would just say to him 'What are you going to do?'. If he doesn't ask - don't say ANYTHING. Your life will be much less stressful if you allow him to handle his daughter.
This is a good lesson for people considering marriage to someone with children. When you marry someone you marry their family too....
I'm thinking that you should write up some basic rules and a list of things you DO get to complain about, and a list of things' you DON'T get to complain about. And then share that with your husband.
For instance:
Regarding his property, you stay completely out of it. You will not help in any way, and you will not complain in any way. That is his baby alone. This includes helping him pick out paint colors, or doing yardwork, or choosing tenants, anything.
Regarding the home you live in, the daughter is not welcome there anymore, because she became physically violent with you. This is non-negotiable. You can tell your hubby that he may see her at a restaurant, etc., but you will not go. You're done with her.
Or whatever you come up with. A list like this, where you agree to be hands-off in some instances, let's him keep some of his male ego intact. But, you definitely get to control your own home experience.
Let him move her into his rental house, and let her live there for free, whatever. That's his baby. But, she can't come into YOUR home anymore.
You now have a rule: Nobody who EVER hits you gets to EVER come into your home again.
The owner I worked for as a property manager, was a horrible businessman, IMO. His wife was much smarter than he was, but he needed to feel like he was the smart one, and they would just argue over his stupid decisions. So, she became completely hands-off. She would hand the phone to him. She would take a message for him. She left it completely to him. She had her own full-time job and her own money, so she could afford to let him make pennies when he could have been making dollars. But, this worked for their relationship.
I picture him asking her for advice and her response being, "I'm sure you'll make the right decision." Something like that.
Step kids are tricky, and the love of a parent for a child is hard to overcome. But, I think you might be able to come up with a compromise here, so he can't say you are the hen-pecker from hell.
You can make a noncommittal comment on the rental house. Something along the lines of :
" Gosh, honey, sorry to hear about that. Well, she's done it before and knows there are no consequences for her actions. Too bad it's going to cost you a bucket of money to fix things back up". Then drop it and go bake some cookies or something.
You've then gotten out your thoughts to him without arguing about it. It's his kid, if he's going to be a jerk about it, not much you can do
As far as the hitting, that's a big " No". That's call the police time. You remind your husband and his daughter that you will not be a punching bag. If it ever happens again, make sure you follow through with a police call and file charges. You are in charge if she ever gets away with that again.
It is hard to do, but something that must be learned. When I was 20-something and I gave my GF one more piece of advice, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and asked, "Don't I do anything right?" That was the start of me keeping my thoughts and advice to myself in personal relationships unless asked for; and sometimes even then.
Take solace in the fact you can give all the advice you want - freely - here in this forum... You just have to deal with the resulting arguments. Think of it as a safety valve.
OP, since you're married to this man, doesn't the cost of having to fix this rental property up impact you financially as well? Not so sure I would stay out of it, with the exception that you never merged your accounts after getting married.
And you really can't stay out of it as you need to as others have said and tell him she is not welcome in your home. So that involves speaking up.
Unfortunately you married into this, you're the not the next door neighbor observing this.
If her actions are going to have a negative impact on your finances, you can't just not say anything.
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