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Hubby and I enjoy hosting Thanksgiving at our house every year and it's always a pleasant affair with 8 core family members (hubby, me, teenaged daughter, 11 year old son, mother in law, father in law, brother in law and his lovely wife) plus an additional 1-2 family members or friends, depending on the year. This year our extra person is my aunt. She comes to Thanksgiving every other year, but when she's there it changes the dynamics and energy in the room because she likes to "help" or offer "helpful" suggestions.
I've noticed that Thanksgiving at our house is much more organized and dinner comes together on time and is perfectly cooked when she's not in my kitchen. This year I want to do everything to minimize the impact she has on the overall dynamic of the event. Not inviting her isn't an option. She's a bit of a surrogate mom to me, I love her dearly and she's always welcome in our home.
To be fair, she's an amazing entertainer and cook, and knows how to put on a good party. But she can also be a bit controlling and passive aggressive. I'm always a open to new suggestions or ways of entertaining and I have taken her suggestions to heart, even changing how I cooked a particular dish because everyone preferred her version. But she tends to make cooking, decorating, or entertaining suggestions when we're in the middle of our celebration rather than beforehand when it would be more helpful, so it comes out sounding as a passive aggressive criticism, said with a smile.
She admitted that her adult son's in-laws (who also love her dearly) have not-so-jokingly told her she's not allowed in their kitchen while cooking and they encourage her to be a well-pampered guest. It's keeps her out of their hair and minimizes the impact she has on the event, so they've obviously felt this change in energy/dynamic while she's there. I'm taking a page out of their book and doing the same thing this year. I've already told her that she will be our honored guest and we will handle everything, no need for help in the kitchen.
This isn't an earth shattering thing, and I'm very grateful I don't have serious family drama and we all genuinely love each other and like spending time together. I know that's a rare thing. I feel truly blessed to have loving in-laws and that this is my biggest problem during the holidays. But you know how you always think of the perfect comeback hours later? I'd like a few quick phrases I can say in the moment to nicely shut down criticisms and "helpful " suggestions that aren't so helpful. I'd also love to hear how everyone celebrates their particular holidays and how you minimize family drama, however small or large.
I dunno. She knows she does it, so not sure you need a clever phrase. Maybe just "Auntie, you're doing that thing. Please just work on enjoying being a guest."
From what you've said, it sounds as though she offers her "helpful" suggestions at a time when it's too late for you to do anything about whatever she's suggesting. In that case, I'd ask you a question that a therapist once asked me when I was complaining about my passive-aggressive mother: "Would it kill you to let her think she's right?"
Of course, the answer is no, it wouldn't kill you to let her think she's right. So the next time your aunt comes up with one of her zingers, you could say, "Oh good idea, Aunt Mary, I'll try that next time," and then just change the subject. You don't really have to try it her way next time, but letting her think she's right defuses her zingers and you can then move on to something entirely different.
Hubby and I enjoy hosting Thanksgiving at our house every year and it's always a pleasant affair with 8 core family members (hubby, me, teenaged daughter, 11 year old son, mother in law, father in law, brother in law and his lovely wife) plus an additional 1-2 family members or friends, depending on the year. This year our extra person is my aunt. She comes to Thanksgiving every other year, but when she's there it changes the dynamics and energy in the room because she likes to "help" or offer "helpful" suggestions.
I've noticed that Thanksgiving at our house is much more organized and dinner comes together on time and is perfectly cooked when she's not in my kitchen. This year I want to do everything to minimize the impact she has on the overall dynamic of the event. Not inviting her isn't an option. She's a bit of a surrogate mom to me, I love her dearly and she's always welcome in our home.
To be fair, she's an amazing entertainer and cook, and knows how to put on a good party. But she can also be a bit controlling and passive aggressive. I'm always a open to new suggestions or ways of entertaining and I have taken her suggestions to heart, even changing how I cooked a particular dish because everyone preferred her version. But she tends to make cooking, decorating, or entertaining suggestions when we're in the middle of our celebration rather than beforehand when it would be more helpful, so it comes out sounding as a passive aggressive criticism, said with a smile.
She admitted that her adult son's in-laws (who also love her dearly) have not-so-jokingly told her she's not allowed in their kitchen while cooking and they encourage her to be a well-pampered guest. It's keeps her out of their hair and minimizes the impact she has on the event, so they've obviously felt this change in energy/dynamic while she's there. I'm taking a page out of their book and doing the same thing this year. I've already told her that she will be our honored guest and we will handle everything, no need for help in the kitchen.
This isn't an earth shattering thing, and I'm very grateful I don't have serious family drama and we all genuinely love each other and like spending time together. I know that's a rare thing. I feel truly blessed to have loving in-laws and that this is my biggest problem during the holidays. But you know how you always think of the perfect comeback hours later? I'd like a few quick phrases I can say in the moment to nicely shut down criticisms and "helpful " suggestions that aren't so helpful. I'd also love to hear how everyone celebrates their particular holidays and how you minimize family drama, however small or large.
In the past have you thought of some perfect comebacks to stem the tide of her suggestions (albeit well-meaning but interrupting?)
I like this phrase and am repeating it to myself a lot lately:
"When you can be either right, or kind - kind is always right."
I like the suggestion of "Thanks for the suggestion - maybe I'll try that next year" said with a smile.
You're not arguing, you're not making any sort of ultimatum, you're not smarting off at her, you're not rolling over and giving her authority over the situation - you're just being blandly polite but not enabling her.
Since you clearly love her and want to include her, I wouldn't suggest making things any more tense or responding with a zinger. No point in hurting her feelings or making things bigger than they really are.
In the past have you thought of some perfect comebacks to stem the tide of her suggestions (albeit well-meaning but interrupting?)
None that I really want to say to her because they're not very nice. You'd think I'd have a good comeback after all these years, but I'm usually so focused on preparations and being a good hostess that I'm stuck feeling like a deer in the headlights in the moment when it happens. Although I'm annoyed after it happens, after the event is over I'm mostly just exhausted. My husband's family is nothing but praise and appreciation, but it's my aunt that's the one with criticisms.
I like this phrase and am repeating it to myself a lot lately:
"When you can be either right, or kind - kind is always right."
I like the suggestion of "Thanks for the suggestion - maybe I'll try that next year" said with a smile.
You're not arguing, you're not making any sort of ultimatum, you're not smarting off at her, you're not rolling over and giving her authority over the situation - you're just being blandly polite but not enabling her.
Since you clearly love her and want to include her, I wouldn't suggest making things any more tense or responding with a zinger. No point in hurting her feelings or making things bigger than they really are.
I completely agree with your last sentences, and that phrase is a terrific suggestion. Thank you.
From what you've said, it sounds as though she offers her "helpful" suggestions at a time when it's too late for you to do anything about whatever she's suggesting. In that case, I'd ask you a question that a therapist once asked me when I was complaining about my passive-aggressive mother: "Would it kill you to let her think she's right?"
Of course, the answer is no, it wouldn't kill you to let her think she's right. So the next time your aunt comes up with one of her zingers, you could say, "Oh good idea, Aunt Mary, I'll try that next time," and then just change the subject. You don't really have to try it her way next time, but letting her think she's right defuses her zingers and you can then move on to something entirely different.
Worked for me, anyway.
No, you're very right. It wouldn't kill me to agree, and that's the kindest way to deal with it. I might even have something new to try for next year, just like with her recipe. It really is just a matter of adjusting my perspective and not internalizing the criticism. Thank you for the wise words.
So the next time your aunt comes up with one of her zingers, you could say, "Oh good idea, Aunt Mary, I'll try that next time," and then just change the subject.
Minor quibble ... I wouldn't say "I'll try that next time" because that kind of commits to doing it. If you don't try it next time, Aunt Mary could say "You told me you were going to try it my way!"
It's better to say something like "I might try that next time" or "I'll consider that next time" ... leaves some wiggle room.
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