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I ask because in my entire life of 25 years, I have never had a single person I can call a friend. Never. Ever. Not at all an exaggeration. The unsettling problem to me is that I'm unable to figure out exactly why. I like to think of myself as polite, avoid talking behind other people's backs at all costs, and generally like to listen to people talk about themselves in a conversation and almost never talk about myself or my interests. Despite that, for most of my life, I've been public enemy number 1 and have had people constantly trash me behind my back and act in the most hostile of ways and make my life miserable for reasons that are always unclear. Fortunately, I'm a grad student now so it's a lot easier avoiding people who don't like you and I just have to deal with one person making my life hell: my adviser.
I used to never think it was much of a big deal and would at times take pride in the independence from people. Admittedly, it can get very hard at times without having the powerful shoulder of a friend to lean and having yourself to rely on at all times, especially when many people out there want to see you fail miserably and kick you while your down. At this junction in my life, I can practically count the number of non-contrived or not of absolute necessity social interactions I have in a week on one hand. I don't own a cellphone, nor do I use any type of social media. I don't see the point, since I have no one to talk to in the first place. If people need me, they can reach me either by email or by home phone, which is usually sufficient.
My long winded question is: Are some people just inherently unlikeable by all other humans? As if they emit some kind of a field in all directions in space that interacts with and 'rubs' people the wrong way from the start? Because that describes all my social interactions with people throughout my life. If this is the case, and that I should learn to be happy with my lot in life because there is little I can do about it, then it would be a lot easier coming to terms with and would be a major burden off my shoulders.
I do know people can be unlikeable to most others, but I don't think it's an inherent trait. Your situation seems unusual, and very sad to me. Through 16 years of school you never had a single friend? No adult ever picked up on that, either a parent or a teacher, and tried to do something for you?
I don't even know what to say. I can't imagine being in your shoes. I know others have difficulty making new friends as they get older, there have been many threads about it. But to never have had any in the past is incomprehensible to me.
Agree with the previous poster. People aren't inherently likeable or unlikeable. There are people who tend to be loners, and these are perhaps introverts, and so they have trouble with social skills or even the desire to participate in social things.
Usually we have friends at school, or at least acquaintances that are friendly. You have had none? Ever?
What sort of schooling have you had? What sort of home life? I think the answer for you might lie in your family and personal life.
You say your adviser dislikes you. Have you asked him why he dislikes you? Has anyone ever given you any feedback at all about your likeability?
And, how many times have you done something kind for someone else in the last 2 weeks? Friendship is a two way street.
No cell phone? No social media? How are people supposed to connect with you? I don't mean call your home phone and leave a message. Find a Yahoo group or something on Meetup and start participating. If you want to make friends, you have to put yourself on display. Be witty; sound intriguing. Do something!
I'm not a social success. I didn't have a date for the high school prom. I married later than all of my friends. Someone will like you, love you, but you have to find them. They're not going to fall into your lap. You meet people when you interact with others who share an interest.
Despite that, for most of my life, I've been public enemy number 1 and have had people constantly trash me behind my back and act in the most hostile of ways and make my life miserable for reasons that are always unclear.
There is something you are doing to have people trash you behind your back.
It sounds like maybe you are not putting yourself out there enough to allow people to know you enough to want to like you. There will always be people who talk about you or don't like you, but even when someone gossips about me, I think at least I must be interesting enough for them to waste their time talking about me.
You should find out if your University offers free or low cost counseling services to students. You need to meet with an impartial third party who can work with you to find out what you are or aren't doing that is repelling people from you. You obviously can't tell and you don't seem to have any family who can help give you some guidance. Your post really gives us no idea what you are doing that is causing people to not like you, or if people not liking you might be just your imagination.
To answer your question about some people being inherently unlikeable: yes there are some people like that, but usually they have to open their mouth and talk for awhile for others around them to realize this. I suppose it's possible for people to give off a creepy serial killer vibe that would automatically make people not like them, but that's rare.
You didn't mention anything about your physical appearance in your initial post, but if you have bad body odor, don't wash your clothes, have rotten teeth and/or dress like a homeless bum that's something that would cause people to avoid you and trash you behind your back.
Last edited by patches403; 12-23-2014 at 12:42 PM..
I do know people can be unlikeable to most others, but I don't think it's an inherent trait. Your situation seems unusual, and very sad to me. Through 16 years of school you never had a single friend? No adult ever picked up on that, either a parent or a teacher, and tried to do something for you?
I don't even know what to say. I can't imagine being in your shoes. I know others have difficulty making new friends as they get older, there have been many threads about it. But to never have had any in the past is incomprehensible to me.
That is correct; never had anyone I could call a friend. As for my teachers in class, they wouldn't be concerned with such things they likely dismissed as trivial. As for my parents, or parent, they had their own issues to take care of in life and only cared that I was doing OK in academics.
People tend not to like those who are different. Could be looks, shyness or some other trait. I think sometimes other people just simply don't like people who are comfortable within themselves. Some people need constant maintenance. If you aren't admiring those people for something, then you don't have what they want and you're simply not useful to them.
Someone above mentioned look to your family and home life. I think we get so used to our family life as normal that we don't realize others see it as different. I used to have an acquaintance that was a good guy. He was a bit immature and overweight and he was set in his mama's boy habits. He was likeable, but could be a bit much because he was comfortable with his family's acceptance of what others considered bad habits. People would comment on him behind his because he was unwilling to make changes.
Not having having a cell phone or doing any sort of social media does make you a bit unreachable. I understand not wanting the costs and hassle of a cell phone or putting everything out there on Facebook. You have to be available to people. It would be a good idea to join some groups that interest you.
Usually we have friends at school, or at least acquaintances that are friendly. You have had none? Ever?
I've had a couple of acquaintances in the past. Though I believe these happened only because they were mutually beneficial and even necessary for both parties. Despite that, all acquaintances subtly made it clear that there was a clear distinction between being their acquaintance and being their 'friend', and I would never be classified as a 'friend' by them.
You might ask why I didn't ask them why they would never interested in being my friend, and that's a good question. My reasoning was, if I came directly out and asked them why they couldn't be my 'friend', that would jeopardize the acquaintance style relationship we already have. Understandably, people don't want to befriend desperate people, especially those who have no friends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran
What sort of schooling have you had? What sort of home life? I think the answer for you might lie in your family and personal life.
Public schooling at your typical, underfunded inner-city school. As for my home-life, I'd rather not talk about it. I'll say this, though, most people who typically came from the same situation I found myself to be in have no problem socializing or even being popular among a very large number of people. My school peers consisted mostly of people who cared about getting the newest clothes and shoes, attracting the opposite sex, and drugs. We clearly had little to nothing in common, so my isolation at this point in my life was understandable. I'd say that even though many of them had a similar situation at home as I, they still had no problem becoming socially adjusted.
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran
You say your adviser dislikes you. Have you asked him why he dislikes you? Has anyone ever given you any feedback at all about your likeability?
Thing is, I don't think it's just me that has a problem with him. The other grad students and the postdocs seem to be having the same problem with him and constantly complaining about him. I also think asking him this type of question will only make him dislike me even more and thus further exacerbate the problem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran
And, how many times have you done something kind for someone else in the last 2 weeks? Friendship is a two way street.
I try to be thoughtful and kind to others whenever I can be, though I don't go out my way to doing favors as much as I use to.
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