When the holidays change *LONG* (father, guilty, brother, sister)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I know nothing is constant in life but change...however I feel in a weird place right now.
My family is small and getting smaller as we lost my grandfather this summer. I'm having issues deciding where to spend time going forward. By this, I mean that my family basically consists of my mom/brother, then my aunt/uncle/2 young cousins. My mom/aunt/uncle live in SC so that is where Christmas has always been (I currently live in Chicago). (My brother is the exception as he lives in Japan and doesn't come home anymore.)
What I always do is go home to SC for Christmas. But since my grandfather passed my mom suddenly decided to go to West Virginia and see some distant family there in November. Recently she told me she would be staying there until February. Now, originally my mom said she would spend a week with me in Miami Beach and then we could go back up to SC for the rest of my time off. I did fly to WV to see her while she was visiting there on Thanksgiving, which was different. I know there's probably a combination of reasons why she decided to go/stay there, but I think it boils down to a couple of primary things. (1)-I think she didn't want to be home and reminded of her Dad being gone this year, (2)-she doesn't get along with her sister (my Aunt in SC) and doesn't want to be around her, and (3) she wanted to do something different *I guess*.
Now, my aunt/cousin I'm close to in SC want me to be in SC for Christmas and my mom wanted me to be in WV. I made the decision not to do either one (in part because my license was recently stolen and I haven't replaced it yet and I need to be able to drive/get around whether in SC or WV).
The thing is, I'd really like to see/spend time with my Aunt/uncle/2 cousins (I'm really close to one of the cousins) in SC -and- I'd really like to see/spend time with my mom. My mom does NOT want to be around her sister and does NOT want me around her either. Now I'm an adult and I choose who to spend time with but my main reason for this thread is this:
I'm now having to choose and I.hate.it.
My cousin told me last week that she was sad about whatever her mom and my mom have going on, but that she guessed it was time to 'make some new traditions'. So she invited a ton of friends over to my Aunt's on Christmas and it appears they had a blast. I think that will be 'their thing' going forward honestly... I talked to my Aunt as well and she says she 'understands' how mad my mom would be if I chose to spend Christmas with them. She said she'd support me in whatever decision I made but honestly I feel like they are disappointed in me right now for not coming to SC. My mom would want no part of that and is very wishy washy so who knows what she'll want to do moving forward.
So I spent my first Christmas alone...on Miami Beach. It was peaceful. And it was very lonely.
I don't want the holidays to now be about who I choose to spend it with, whether I'm going to go along with my mom or be a part of this new tradition my cousin seems to be starting by having a gathering with her friends at my Aunt's. For the first time on Christmas, I actually spent more time thinking about how alone I am. I went to the beach alone, I ate at restaurants alone, I went back to my room alone. And all the while I am surrounded by people who have....other people. I know I'm not the only one by far who doesn't like this time of year but I feel like being 'down in the dumps' around this time every year would be my fault...in other words, I need to learn how to make decisions "I'm okay with", be grateful for the people and things I do have, and how to cope with whatever drama 'is' there during this time of year...
Your mother didn't honor her commitment to spend the holidays with you, so I wouldn't have felt badly about making the trip to SC. Does you mother think it's fair for you to end up alone, even if it is in Miami?
"Mom, I don't want to choose sides, but we have very little family left, and I don't want to lose the relationships still available to me." The end.
This year is done so I guess now you have to consider next year. Your mother wasn't being fair to you this
year by having you wind up alone in Miami while she reneged on her plans to join you. Don't let that happen again.
Some questions to ask of her. Do you think she will once again go to WV for several weeks next year? Do the WV relatives plan on asking you to join them if she does.
It seems like you want to be loyal to your mother but your heart really wants to be with the livelier SC relatives. Perhaps you could spend Christmas Eve/ Christmas Day in SC then head to WV for the weekend or the week after Christmas. Christmas season is really more than just a day.
What you don't want to do is to let your mother involve you in her feuds. You're an adult and you have to remind her of that. This is one time you have to stand up and declare your independence. This is where you remind her that she is the one forcing you to chose. So you made your choice, this is what it is and it's done.
Your mother didn't honor her commitment to spend the holidays with you, so I wouldn't have felt badly about making the trip to SC. Does you mother think it's fair for you to end up alone, even if it is in Miami?
"Mom, I don't want to choose sides, but we have very little family left, and I don't want to lose the relationships still available to me." The end.
In regards to the bold, the issue I'm having is that she really kinda 'acts out' if she finds out I've associated with my Aunt at all. When I went to visit my mom in West Virginia, I called home to say Happy Thanksgiving to my cousins/Aunt. When my mom walked into the room and figured out I was on the phone with my Aunt she did a 180 and basically yelled at me. It was like someone flipped a frikkin switch and she turned from being fine to being extremely angry just like that. It was really uncalled for and its so stressful. I told my Aunt I didn't mean to cut our convo short but had to go and she understood.
This year is done so I guess now you have to consider next year. Your mother wasn't being fair to you this
year by having you wind up alone in Miami while she reneged on her plans to join you. Don't let that happen again.
Some questions to ask of her. Do you think she will once again go to WV for several weeks next year? Do the WV relatives plan on asking you to join them if she does.
It seems like you want to be loyal to your mother but your heart really wants to be with the livelier SC relatives. Perhaps you could spend Christmas Eve/ Christmas Day in SC then head to WV for the weekend or the week after Christmas. Christmas season is really more than just a day.
What you don't want to do is to let your mother involve you in her feuds. You're an adult and you have to remind her of that. This is one time you have to stand up and declare your independence. This is where you remind her that she is the one forcing you to chose. So you made your choice, this is what it is and it's done.
On one hand I think my mom didn't want me to spend money on her to come to Miami and basically kinda decided on that at the last minute. That's not what she's said, but that's the conclusion I've come to. My mom never really ever says what she means or is the type to stick to plans or stuff like that.
I don't know if she will go back to WV next year or not. I know I'm welcome to join the relatives in WV if she does. (My older Aunt in WV that she stays with there is very sweet and is always asking all relatives to come and stay with her.) I'm not close to any of the relatives in WV; the SC relatives are the ones I've grown up with. So in a way it's confusing to them why I'd choose to go to WV to spend time with relatives I've never been around. Really I love all of my family of course but my primary reason for going would be to still spend time with my mom. My heart isn't in any one particular place really. I just feel guilty about not being able to spend time with her AND my Aunt/cousins in SC. My Aunt has done a lot for me/the family and my 2 cousins are my age--one is the closest thing I have to a sister so she is not happy about my decision not to see them.
You're right; Christmas season is more than just a day. So maybe next time I could spend some time in WV if my mom goes there, then a few days in SC. It will just be hard to do because my mother does things last minute and it will require my going several places during that time I'm off.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
