Crazy 87 year old mother (person, brother, senior, house)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My mother is in perfect physical health. She has always been a paranoid, deceptive person and is always right. My dad died about 6.5 years ago and her mental health is now worse. Since his death she continually alleges she gets harassing phone calls and says people ring her doorbell all hours of the night. When I used to visit, I would scroll her caller ID log, and it didn't show that she received any phone calls at odd hours. I live in Texas and she lives in California. After Dad's death I visited every 3 months and would take care of any financial issues like her insurance renewals, investments, preparing for taxes, etc. But, then the stock market had its big decline and her investment portfolio took a 25% hit. At that point she decided I had stolen her money. My brother and I carefully reviewed the whole issue with her, and also the financial advisor and her tax preparer met with her. Everyone carefully scrutinized her books and reviewed each transaction and had personal meetings with her but she is convinced my mismanagement is the reason her portfolio took a big hit.
I am not welcome in her home and am so upset about this I don't care to see her. I have not visited since Xmas 2008. But I regularly phone her tho she never sounds happy to hear from me and does not phone me. Behind my back she tells people I took her money (referring to the time her portfolio took the big hit.) My brother lives nearby and says she is getting worse. He says she keeps trying to get him to take her to an attorney to cut me any my son (her only grandchild) out of her will. My brother is a good guy and has had many, many arguments with Mom over this issue. He says she is now starting to behave toward him the way she does towards me. She failed her driving test for renewal so she has no driver's license or car insurance now but continues to drive. She is a very bad driver. My brother told me today that he found she is responding to weird advertisers who prey on lonely old people. We have both tried to get her to consider moving close to either of us. My brother lives 2 hours' drive distance. She is a bitter, angry person and rejects any ideas that are not her own. My brother and I pay for a senior helper to come to her home and the lady does go there and gives us a summary of the weekly activities that my brother can easily validate on his weekend visits. But if you ask my mother she denies that anyone ever visits her and says she doesn't know anyone named "Anna". My mother's estate is substantial and her home is also of good value. She won't buy supplemental health insurance or homeowners insurance. I am both angry and sad over all this. Maybe you think I am callous but I have been a loving daughter and my dad wanted his estate to maintain my mother and if any was left to go to his kids and grandson. Any recommendations on dealing with the fact that my mother is driving (no, she refuses a taxi service even if I pay!) and that she is dead set on removing me and her only grandchild as beneficiaries in her will?
consult a lawyer, about taking over joint (you and your brother) power of attorney, your mom seems to be suffering from dementia, and maybe even Alzheimer.
Also contact AARP they can really point you in a better direction then us here on the site
My mother is in perfect physical health. She has always been a paranoid, deceptive person and is always right. My dad died about 6.5 years ago and her mental health is now worse. Since his death she continually alleges she gets harassing phone calls and says people ring her doorbell all hours of the night. When I used to visit, I would scroll her caller ID log, and it didn't show that she received any phone calls at odd hours. I live in Texas and she lives in California. After Dad's death I visited every 3 months and would take care of any financial issues like her insurance renewals, investments, preparing for taxes, etc. But, then the stock market had its big decline and her investment portfolio took a 25% hit. At that point she decided I had stolen her money. My brother and I carefully reviewed the whole issue with her, and also the financial advisor and her tax preparer met with her. Everyone carefully scrutinized her books and reviewed each transaction and had personal meetings with her but she is convinced my mismanagement is the reason her portfolio took a big hit.
I am not welcome in her home and am so upset about this I don't care to see her. I have not visited since Xmas 2008. But I regularly phone her tho she never sounds happy to hear from me and does not phone me. Behind my back she tells people I took her money (referring to the time her portfolio took the big hit.) My brother lives nearby and says she is getting worse. He says she keeps trying to get him to take her to an attorney to cut me any my son (her only grandchild) out of her will. My brother is a good guy and has had many, many arguments with Mom over this issue. He says she is now starting to behave toward him the way she does towards me. She failed her driving test for renewal so she has no driver's license or car insurance now but continues to drive. She is a very bad driver. My brother told me today that he found she is responding to weird advertisers who prey on lonely old people. We have both tried to get her to consider moving close to either of us. My brother lives 2 hours' drive distance. She is a bitter, angry person and rejects any ideas that are not her own. My brother and I pay for a senior helper to come to her home and the lady does go there and gives us a summary of the weekly activities that my brother can easily validate on his weekend visits. But if you ask my mother she denies that anyone ever visits her and says she doesn't know anyone named "Anna". My mother's estate is substantial and her home is also of good value. She won't buy supplemental health insurance or homeowners insurance. I am both angry and sad over all this. Maybe you think I am callous but I have been a loving daughter and my dad wanted his estate to maintain my mother and if any was left to go to his kids and grandson. Any recommendations on dealing with the fact that my mother is driving (no, she refuses a taxi service even if I pay!) and that she is dead set on removing me and her only grandchild as beneficiaries in her will?
It really sounds like either you or your brother need to step up and go to court to have her declared incompetant.
I know this is not an easy thing to do but she is not in her right mind and needs someone taking care of her at this point.
Sounds a lot like my mother. lol---She's actually one of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet--we are too much alike and yet different. Mothers and daughters---the insanity of it.
consult a lawyer, about taking over joint (you and your brother) power of attorney, your mom seems to be suffering from dementia, and maybe even Alzheimer.
Also contact AARP they can really point you in a better direction then us here on the site
Jonathan
^^^ this! And don't take what your mother is saying/doing to heart. She is 87 years old and that's quite a feat to have lived for such a long time. Enjoy your time with her and let the petty things go.
[quote=seeniorita;16904052]^^^ this! And don't take what your mother is saying/doing to heart. She is 87 years old and that's quite a feat to have lived for such a long time. Enjoy your time with her and let the petty things go.[/QUOTE]
Easier said than done--people say this to me all the time.
Very, very draining. My advice would be to do what you can and be very kind to yourself find people who are supportive of you. Do things that you enjoy.
I will check into AARP for info. Last year she had an "episode" that was alarming when she kept looking for a storage locker that she said contained important papers and claimed I knew about. She would drive aimlessly about and actually went to the police claiming they knew about it. My brother -- at my urging -- took her to a geriatric psychiatrist who said she was generally "ok" mentally and should just be monitored every few months by visiting him. She absolutely refuses to go bakc. We were hoping this would help us move towards getting power of attny. We need medical support to get pwr of attny if its not given over voluntarily.
Easier said than done--people say this to me all the time.
Very, very draining. My advice would be to do what you can and be very kind to yourself find people who are supportive of you. Do things that you enjoy.
Well you have to put it into perspective. Getting upset over something an 87 year old is saying is like getting mad at a toddler for not paying bills.
(Sorry seeniorita, but mom's behavior is not petty. She has the potential to be a danger to herself as well as to others (driving with no license or insurance is a good example).
Squirl,I would look for another professional to assess her competence and then likely have you or your brother granted guardianship rights. She needs someone to protect herself from herself, she will be an easy target for those who target the elderly and given her propensity for forgetting things that happen to her, she will likely not realize she has been victimized.
I totally understand and sympathize with you. My dad developed dementia and he was scammed by the many "charities" that send their pleas for money through the mail. Dad wrote checks to everyone and in some cases he would send money to opposing sides of the same issues, not realizing what he was doing. Often the annual appeals turned into every-other-month "annuals" and he never noticed. I finally had to have his mail diverted by setting up a P.O. box where his legitimate bills went (and I collected once a week) and then he collected everything that came to his house and once a week I went through it. It was all junk and I used the self-addressed envelopes included to mail back the solicitations with a sticker that I had made that told them I knew that they were taking advantage of an elderly person who could no longer make informed decisions about his money. The rest, I just trashed.
But returning to your issue Squirl, her dementia is what is responsible for your mother's behavior so don't take it personally. You and your brother need to meet with her and in a lucid moment, get her to agree to a power-of-attorney to handle her finances. You should probably get one for medical decisions as well before she can't make that decision. If she has a financial advisor, work with him/her to get your mother's affairs in order (insurance, will, etc.) and you will probably also need to include an attorney. You need to find someone whose judgment she listens to to get her to give up her car keys and then probably get her car sold. If she hits someone with no license or insurance, the liability will be staggering. It will **** her off for sure but it sure beats the alternative. Once everything is in place then you can relax a little and know that it isn't your mother talking but her dementia - and that she can't do anything that will put her life or her finances as risk. It is a hard thing to do but your mom was there when you were too young to do for yourself so return the favor.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
