When you love, but don't like your family (father, person, member)

[Pennies4Penny]

I think my parents did such a good job of creating the illusion that we were a perfect family, that I believed it myself for a long time. It wasn't until some recent events and reflection that I realized that this isn't the case at all and we are really a highly functioning, dysfunctional family. We get along on the surface, but not at all in reality. I also see where a lot of my personal issues now stem from. I feel like the great potential I had was squashed out by them embedding low self esteem, insecurity and self doubt into my mind. I am glad I realized these things so that I can do better for my own kids. Not sure what kind of comments I'm looking for... Maybe just need to share and see if others can relate. Please nothing mean or rude. Some info: I am 30, married, and we have three kids. My parents live out of state, my sister about a half hour from us.

My dad:

He really destroyed my self esteem. Unintentionally I guess. He used to pick on me, call me names, laughed when I cried and was just a bully. I remember him calling me pizza face when I was in middle school and suffering from bad acne. Later in college he said he HAD to "tease" me because I was mean to my younger sister so he was trying to teach me a lesson I guess. He laughed and smiled when he told me this. Like he was bragging. I, of course as a child, never made that connection and he just came off as an a-hole and I hated him until I moved out and had some distance. I thought we were past all this, but last summer we had a major plumbing problem in our home and he was forced to stay with us for three weeks, by the end we were fighting, he was being such an insensitive jerk and I could NOT wait for him to leave. We did not speak for a while afterwards. He also constantly says negative things and/or contradicts pretty much everything I say and do. One example: We bought our first car a few years ago. It's used, I know it's not perfect, but we scraped together $5000 to pay for it and we were so happy to finally have two vehicles (the other is my husband's truck from college) I asked him if he liked it and he pointed out every flaw and said it was just okay. He does this with everything, so now I stop asking his opinion, because it will just bring me down. He never says I'm good at anything and gets offended if I don't want to do what he thinks I should do. He complains to me about my mom a lot. About her weight and some other issues. They almost got divorced about 12 years ago and sometimes I wish they would've.

My mom:

I thought my mom and I always got along okay. Though never overly enthusiastic, she was more encouraging to me about some things and was never mean to me (though she didn't defend me against my dad) but over the past 5 or so years I've noticed she has some real problems. At some point when I was in high school, she made friends with this awful woman who was an obese smoker and single and childless at the time, who got my mom to start smoking and wanted her to act like a single person does and my mom did. My mom snuck the cigarettes for years before my sister and I finally caught on. She has quit 3 or 4 times over the past 6 years, but always starts again. And no matter how much I beg and plead with her to not smoke at my house, she does it anyway like a sneaky teenager. Her last visit I started to tell her that she stinks and that she can't hold my baby or be around my kids smelling like that. She gets offended, but I have asked as nicely as a person can for years and she just ignores me. She also completely disregards my no shoes in the house rule. She says I'm unempathetic because her knee hurts and she NEEDS to wear shoes, but I have offered multiple times to buy her clean shoes to wear indoors and she refuses. She is saying she wants to come for a visit soon, but I just see it as stressful because I know we will fight about these things. I always tell ahead of time, she agrees then ignores them once she's here and says I'm out of line for standing up for myself. She lies too and she also drinks too much. She buys a 30 case of beer, claiming it is for my husband, then drinks 90% of it in 2-3 days and buys another. She is never falling down drunk and she doesn't start drinking until after lunch, but it is too much. With the drinking and smoking and refusal to see a doctor for a yearly exam I fear she will be dead soon. Her mom died at 62 and I never knew her. I see this repeating for my kids.

My sister.

She is only 15 months younger than me. I thought we were best friends. I thought we had a lot in common, but we weren't and we don't. She has always been a bit self centered. My mom always blames her selfishness on being a single person, but it is more than that. Whenever she needs something from me, she needs it NOW, but if I need something from her she only obliges if it is convenient for her. She never asks, only demands. She used to come over once a week, she would watch my daughter while I took my son to a class. I always made sure this worked with HER schedule and told her it was okay to say no. Every week she would show up late which forced me to be late to a class we are paying money for and would roll her eyes if I said anything. She never called or texted me just to say hi or see how we are doing. She would never let me know if she would be late. She went on a three month trip and I sent her this long email describing how we were, what we had been up to etc... She replied with just a couple sentences explaining she wouldn't have internet access for a few days. For the entire 3 months she was gone she NEVER inquired about us. She is also like my dad in that she questions and judges everything I say and all the decisions I make. If I ever complained or vented about my in laws or anybody really, she would turn the blame on me, ask what I did to cause the problem. I always felt I was constantly defending myself, my actions and beliefs to her. It became so stressful and I became so anxious and mentally tired that I had to cut her out of my life. We fought for about a month straight to find a resolution, but in the end this way seemed like the only option and in all honesty I think it has been the best decision. Twice in the year and half since I banned her, we have tried to work things out, but she is unwilling to change and I can't handle it, so I feel it has to be this way. I just feel better without the constant worry of judgment looming over my head.

I know I am not perfect and I am sure some of my traits have impacted them negatively, but I have just felt put down, cast out, and unworthy by these people who are supposed to be my family. I then feel other people out in the world feel these things about me too. I feel so misunderstood and disliked by most people. I never thought I would find a partner. That anyone would like me enough to want to be with me forever. So glad I did though. He is the only person that has ever made me feel good about me.

This greatly effects my ability to make friends and my desire to strive for anything career wise. I chose a safe, low expectation major and the thought of having to work again when I'm done staying home with my kids is terrifying. I had a lot of dreams, big goals.... But I told myself I shouldn't try for them because if I fail, they will be right about me again, so i just settled. Thanks for reading. It felt good to write this down.

[Mattie]

Your father seems to be the cord that binds a lot of unhappy people. I can't fathom a father calling his daughter "pizza face".
If he said that to you, who knows what he says to your mother. She apparently is drinking her unhappiness away. Sad, but beyond your control. I would lighten up on the shoe issue. It would be worth the price of a carpet cleaning to stop battling over her foot problems.

Your sister is a product of the same upbringing you had. She is likely just as much a victim as you are, so her focus on herself is understandable. You could both probably benefit from some counseling, and it may give you the opportunity to become closer.

[Curmudgeon]

You can only feel unworthy when you permit yourself to. I can well understand it as I was raised much like you were - add in a heavy-handed father and two alcoholics - and I know the toll it took on me. My one and younger sibling by 11 years and I have been estranged for 25 years. A couple of years ago I reached out to him and we corresponded several times but he again lapsed into silence so I finally just wrote him off.

It took me years to move beyond the feelings of inadequacy instilled in me by both my parents, along with much anger, and for many years and by my choice I didn't have any contact with them. Once beyond all those negatives my life, and I, became much more pleasant.

I hope that's ultimately your experience as well. Just keep in mind that you're an adult and you just don't have to take it anymore.

[BOS2IAD]

In so many ways, you described my own family. My mother was a verbally and emotionally abusive narcissistic alcoholic. My father was the perfect enabler who threw us kids under the bus. Instead of standing up to my mother, he would tell us to ignore her when she was verbally abusive because---get this---if we didn't do what he told us to do, she would yell at him later! He, too, had his moments when it came to verbal and emotional abuse. Both my parents expected me to go to college. When I went, my father told me that he fully expected that I would flunk out after one semester!

And, yes, such a dysfunctional environment does adversely affect sibling relationships. I was the oldest of 3 and the only girl. My mother treated me as her maid while my brothers got away from doing any housework because---according to my mother---housework was women's work and my brothers were going to live at home until they married and had wives who did all the housework! One of my brothers was her favorite kid and she made sure that I, and my other brother knew this! She even pulled me aside once to tell me that my father, my other brother and I were the cause of all the unhappiness in the family!

So...you're not alone. I understand how, to the outside world, your family appeared to be functional. My mother was sweet as pie to non-family members. So when I would try to tell people what our family life was like, they never believed me. It didn't help that my mother would tell people that I was lazy and never did anything around the house---which was a lie.

Of course, as kids you assume that your family is fine as you have no other reference points. I once read that when kids are removed from bad families, the kids will cry and not want to leave because, despite having bad parents, it's all they know.

It sounds to me like you are making a real effort to have a better family life for your kids. I commend you for that. Never lose sight of how bad things were for you and vow to yourself to always do better by your kids. Too many people just cycle the same garbage into the next generation without even stopping to reflect on their own childhoods. For example, my mother would tell me some of the awful things her father did and said to her. Then she would tell me how lucky I was that she didn't say or do those things. What she didn't realize was the things she said and did were just as bad.

I would advise you to have minimal contact with your parents. My parents retired to the other side of the country so we didn't see them very frequently---and I was glad for that.

[Jay100]

As an adult, people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If they don't shape up then, you might want to consider cutting ties, at least until they're ready to respect you. That might never happen but that's ok, at least you wouldn't be treated badly anymore. If they truly love you then they'll rethink their ways and come around.

[Pennies4Penny]

Thank you for all the responses. I was nervous to read them, but I feel better .

Originally Posted by Mattie

Your father seems to be the cord that binds a lot of unhappy people. I can't fathom a father calling his daughter "pizza face".
If he said that to you, who knows what he says to your mother. She apparently is drinking her unhappiness away. Sad, but beyond your control. I would lighten up on the shoe issue. It would be worth the price of a carpet cleaning to stop battling over her foot problems.

Your sister is a product of the same upbringing you had. She is likely just as much a victim as you are, so her focus on herself is understandable. You could both probably benefit from some counseling, and it may give you the opportunity to become closer.

Yes, I think my dad has made us all unhappy at least at certain points. I always thought my mom was happy with their life and that she drank because she was retired and kicking back, but then I realized HOW MUCH and that it was an everyday thing. She also said she doesn't like where they now live and wish they would've stayed in the previous area.

I tried to let the shoe thing go. I really did. The last visit I asked her for three days to please take them off and offered to buy her house shoes, but she kept putting them on. The forth day I said nothing. After a few hours of her walking around in them, the tile floors were covered in black marks and footprints. My kids' hands and feet were black with dirt from playing on the floor. When I pointed it out she completely lost it and that's when she called me unempathetic. It's not about the shoes as the complete disregard for my wishes in my home and that my wants don't matter, which is basically how I've always felt.

I feel like my sister was treated differently. Coddled a lot. They never missed her basketball games, but only attended one of my band concerts. My dad "teased"me to protect her from my "bullying." My sister and I had our normal sibling fights, but we actually did a lot together and got along for the most parts. I always took her to movies and concerts with me and took her places with my friends. She never returned the favor though. She would get so mad at me if I tried to hang out with her when her friends were over.

Originally Posted by Curmudgeon

You can only feel unworthy when you permit yourself to. I can well understand it as I was raised much like you were - add in a heavy-handed father and two alcoholics - and I know the toll it took on me. My one and younger sibling by 11 years and I have been estranged for 25 years. A couple of years ago I reached out to him and we corresponded several times but he again lapsed into silence so I finally just wrote him off.

It took me years to move beyond the feelings of inadequacy instilled in me by both my parents, along with much anger, and for many years and by my choice I didn't have any contact with them. Once beyond all those negatives my life, and I, became much more pleasant.

I hope that's ultimately your experience as well. Just keep in mind that you're an adult and you just don't have to take it anymore.

I have realized this recently and they hate that I have been standing up for myself. They don't like that I cut my sister out, but I don't care. I feel like it had to be done.

Originally Posted by BOS2IAD

In so many ways, you described my own family. My mother was a verbally and emotionally abusive narcissistic alcoholic. My father was the perfect enabler who threw us kids under the bus. Instead of standing up to my mother, he would tell us to ignore her when she was verbally abusive because---get this---if we didn't do what he told us to do, she would yell at him later! He, too, had his moments when it came to verbal and emotional abuse. Both my parents expected me to go to college. When I went, my father told me that he fully expected that I would flunk out after one semester!

And, yes, such a dysfunctional environment does adversely affect sibling relationships. I was the oldest of 3 and the only girl. My mother treated me as her maid while my brothers got away from doing any housework because---according to my mother---housework was women's work and my brothers were going to live at home until they married and had wives who did all the housework! One of my brothers was her favorite kid and she made sure that I, and my other brother knew this! She even pulled me aside once to tell me that my father, my other brother and I were the cause of all the unhappiness in the family!

So...you're not alone. I understand how, to the outside world, your family appeared to be functional. My mother was sweet as pie to non-family members. So when I would try to tell people what our family life was like, they never believed me. It didn't help that my mother would tell people that I was lazy and never did anything around the house---which was a lie.

Of course, as kids you assume that your family is fine as you have no other reference points. I once read that when kids are removed from bad families, the kids will cry and not want to leave because, despite having bad parents, it's all they know.

It sounds to me like you are making a real effort to have a better family life for your kids. I commend you for that. Never lose sight of how bad things were for you and vow to yourself to always do better by your kids. Too many people just cycle the same garbage into the next generation without even stopping to reflect on their own childhoods. For example, my mother would tell me some of the awful things her father did and said to her. Then she would tell me how lucky I was that she didn't say or do those things. What she didn't realize was the things she said and did were just as bad.

I would advise you to have minimal contact with your parents. My parents retired to the other side of the country so we didn't see them very frequently---and I was glad for that.

I have a girl and two boys, my daughter is the oldest . My goal is to make sure they love themselves and KNOW they are EQUAL.

We see them once or twice a year, but I used to text my mom several times a week. Funny thing is since I stopped initiating conversations, we only talk maybe twice a month now. Oh well I guess.

Originally Posted by Jay100

As an adult, people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If they don't shape up then, you might want to consider cutting ties, at least until they're ready to respect you. That might never happen but that's ok. If they truly love you then they'll rethink their ways.

I honestly don't want to cut them out completely, but I have stepped back quite a bit and I think that has helped. Now more visits that last more than 3-4 days!

[Nanny Goat]

Your 30's are typically an enlightening decade if you're looking for the truth about yourself and how your family played a part in all of that. There are very few families, very few that are apple pie and sunshine. It's just that we see too many Toyota commercials on TV and read too many Hallmark cards. Everyone has stuff, some people inherit loads of it, some less, but always something. I always find it interesting how some people think their original families were so "wonderful." I guess a few are, but most people are living in denial. Good luck, it's a process and it can be really rewarding to find your true "self" amongst all of the other "stuff."

[signalfire]

Good lord, you can't stand them and it would seem with good reason.

Break away, far away. There's no rule that says you have to open your heart, your home, or even an hour or two here and there to people that if they weren't blood, you wouldn't tolerate for five minutes...

Change your phone number if you have to, refuse to answer the doorbell, even move if possible without a forwarding address. They'll figure it out in direct proportion to their ability to think clearly (which means it may take a while). Some people are toxic, there is nothing you can do about it, and you're smart in realizing it and not becoming like them. Don't inflict this crap on your children by continuing to make it 'work'.

[Pennies4Penny]

Originally Posted by signalfire

Good lord, you can't stand them and it would seem with good reason.

Break away, far away. There's no rule that says you have to open your heart, your home, or even an hour or two here and there to people that if they weren't blood, you wouldn't tolerate for five minutes...

Change your phone number if you have to, refuse to answer the doorbell, even move if possible without a forwarding address. They'll figure it out in direct proportion to their ability to think clearly (which means it may take a while). Some people are toxic, there is nothing you can do about it, and you're smart in realizing it and not becoming like them. Don't inflict this crap on your children by continuing to make it 'work'.

That's what I tried to tell my parents about my sister. They were so mad (probably still are) when I told them I never wanted to see or speak to her again. If I had a friend treating me the way she does, they wouldn't want me hanging around them. I don't think I should force myself to be around her (or them) just because we are related.

My mom likes to guilt people and is nosy. She was going to try and pull some crap and guilt me into letting her back in. About three months after I cut her out my parents called me last minute and said they were coming for a quick visit, because they "needed to see their family." They were flying in for just a day and a half. Their ability to use air travel easily didn't make the trip seem unusual, but the shortness of it did. They also didn't want me to pick them up from the airport, which was odd. So I waited until late the night before they were leaving and told them to be clear, my sister is not allowed at our house and if they brought her here, I wouldn't let them in. She got so mad at me and said I was preventing her from seeing her family and causing a riff between everyone. I told her I'm not preventing her from seeing anyone. I said they could still visit. They could stay half the time here then go to her house and the choice to come or not was 100% their own. They canceled that trip and tried to say that they couldn't visit because I made it inconvenient. I told them sorry my feelings are inconvenient for you, but this is how it how it has to be and they have to deal with it. It turned out they were basically going to ambush me with her and conduct an intervention on me (you know, cause everything is my fault ).

It's funny though, I have tried to go see them, but with three little kids and no money, traveling is pretty much impossible, but my sister who is single and childless with a decent income and her own time has not, but I'm the one who doesn't care about them

[Retroit]

"The purpose of family is to teach us how to deal with people we can't stand."