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My sister-in-law is the youngest of ten kids (1 of 7 girls) and my husband is the third eldest (of three boys) with 16 years between him and the youngest girl. When we were married and had kids we hardly ever saw her because she was busy and occupied with her single life, friends, and job. All of the sudden she gets married and has a child - meanwhile my mom is going through lung cancer treatment out of state and I am trying to finish my advanced degree while taking care of my kids. I never got the chance to visit her "immediately" after the baby was born - side note: we didn't have much of a relationship with her in the first place only obligatory family events and such. We even found out when she was engaged and when she was pregnant from a third party.
Anyway, time passes and I see her 5 weeks after the baby is born at a family party. I ask if I can come by to visit and bring a gift. I say, "Are you home during the day, can I come by with a gift?" Her response, "What d'ya think I have a kid don't I?" I was scared that she was so rude and needless to say had no desire to visit her so I never went. More time passes and we don't see each other, I begin and internship, my mom gets sicker and my husband gets a new job. We are invited to and attend the Christening celebration party, not the church because of previous commitment - same as my husband's brother. After Thanksgiving she leaves me a message that we shouldn't exchange Xmas gifts (his whole family exchanges gifts. Crazy, I know but that's what they do). Her resigning is that we don't really have a relationship. My husband calls her back and she is upset we didn't acknowledge the birth of her first child! I don't know what she expected, really. He tries to explain our situation at the time and says sorry, let's go out have dinner, it's the holidays, we meant nothing by it, we are sorry, let's talk about it. She will not speak to him about it. He calls her husband and he sides with his wife. We tried calling several times and it led nowhere. On Christmas we are there at his mother's house with the whole family and with my children. When it's time for us to go we say goodbye and she approaches me and gives me back the gifts we gave her family. I was devastated and so unsure how to respond I ran out the door crying. He called his mother when we got home and she just listened. he also asked her to speak to his sister, but she never did. Shortly after that incident, we attended one even where she walked out of the room when we entered. Following that, we have told his other sisters we feel uncomfortable going to events because she is so rude and doesn't speak to us. No one really says anything, they say "do what you have to do." No one from his family has reached out to me….hence, we haven't spoken to anyone in four years. Another sister was upset with him 2 years ago for not attending all the events. Keep in mind they do everything as a family - there are ten kids and 14 gradnkids they were having birthday parties, milestone parties etc… for every kid and we can't make it all with our work and our own children's schedule. Plus we hadn't been attending bc of the other sister's rude actions. He tried explaining our side of the story and how we don't understand why the other sister won't speak to us and resolve the whole thing. She just argued with him, said that I should let it go and attend the partys and that I didn't have to talk to anyone, that he could still attend events w/o me! So they got into a big fight and stopped talking. I later visited his mother on two holidays when this second sister was there with her kids and she couldn't even say hello to me at her own mother's house. She was going through a divorce and my husband tried to find out why and messaged her ex husband on Facebook - this got her real mad bc she thinks he has no right to ask anyone why they are divorcing (the husband didn't even answer). Well, no one will talk to him, so he has to find out from someone. Moving right along….
We have gotten less than warm invites to parties and events and we have always declined since this has began. BTW, none of his other sisters or mother has reached out to me or made an effort to smooth things over since that one Christmas. I find it makes me want to vomit to think of being with these people when they will not even acknowledge what happened. However, we have tried to see his mother and we did attend Christmas for a short time last year, most everyone was friendly and well behaved except for the two sisters in question who ignored us. We were there a short time and I thought it was somewhat positive. However, three weeks ago my husband gets a note from another younger sister.
This note explains the difficulty of settling family rifts and how painful they are, states that my husband is not blameless and has hurt her two sisters terribly. She proceeds to request that he offer an "unconditional apology" to the sisters in question so that everyone can be a family again. She doesn't mention myself or our children at all. She says she "wants a relationship again with my husband" but that he has made it very difficult for everyone. He laughed at this bc she hasn't spoken to him in years. My husband wrote back to find out if she was writing this on her own or for the sisters, but it was on her own, which tells us the other two aren't interested in real reconciliation. He also told her we have been open to talking with these sisters (he has called them at least once a year to see if they will meet with us too), going out for dinner, etc…. but they haven't been interested at all. He explained the reasons why and all that happened bc we don't know who knows what….we do know that they only have one side of the story and its frustrating to me that no one wants the other side, our side. So - it all comes down to us not acknowledging the birth of the first sister's firstborn! We apologized when it first happened over the phone to her but she wouldn't talk to us back then, gave our gifts back to us, and still refuses to speak to us! So, then this third sister tells him that if we had done the "same thing to her" (not acknowledge the firstborn) that she would have done worse to us on that Christmas - and that she doesn't blame the other sister for what she did.
So, we continue to get invited to things, yet we feel very uncomfortable attending especially since the latest demand to give an unconditional apology. There was a death in the family of an in-law and we did not attend services. We emailed our regrets and sympathy with an explanation of why we weren't attending - only to get a short and curt message back thanking us with an ending of "Take Care".
Why will no one speak with us about this whole ordeal. Is this normal, are they normal? Are we being rude and petty? Should we sever these ties or try to mend them? How?
They need to get a life and stop making you the scapegoat.
I wonder how many spouses, who are married to someone in families that always do things together, feel they don't really matter; because they don't.
Your family is normal. Keep it that way and don't even give it a thought. If they were not complaining about what they are complaining about; they would be finding fault with something else.
It doesn't sound as though the gripe is with you as much as with your husband. But, I'm confused, you saw the SIL 5 weeks after the birth, and again at the christening party. Did you not bring a gift to either?
Saw SIL 5 wks after the birth at another event - we didn't know she'd be there, didn't bring gift in car for her at that point it was at another person's house. Brought gifts at Christening, which she accepted. After the Christening we had no contact bc that's how it went, we were not close at all, she made the call not wanting to exchange gifts at Christmas.
If you brought gifts to the christening, then why is she saying you didn't acknowledge the birth? Because she felt too much time had lapsed?
I think this is one of those times when nothing you can do will make a difference. If your husband cares about having a relationship with his family, then he needs to do whatever is necessary to clear the air. And, that might be getting together with all of them, alone. If he doesn't care, I'd get on with my life and not worry about it.
She sounds pretty self-centered and like she drug the other two into this and had them pick sides (hers). I honestly would tell her, "I'm sorry we weren't there for you directly after the birth of your kid, but we were going through a very difficult time. It doesn't mean we don't love or care about you, but it was just unfortunate timing. We really hope you can accept our apology, forgive and move on, if not we will be taking an even bigger step back from the family, because we will not be made to feel uncomfortable and unwanted during what are supposed to be happy occasions."
She is being childish holding this ridiculous grudge. She is the one that is going to have to grow up for this to be resolved.
Thanks for the support. I guess maybe too much time lapsed and we didn't do it "right" after the birth…is my guess. We don't really know as she won't speak to us. Her father-in-law passed around that time and she also called me out for spelling their name wrong on the sympathy card I sent! My husband could ignore it all and act as if nothing happened, he has never been close to his siblings even before our marriage but he participated in every event when single. He is very good at detaching his emotions but has supported me in not seeing them because I have been so hurt. However, as time goes on he views them differently and is more bothered by their actions, or lack thereof. Mostly, for some reasons, that the "family rules" apply to some people (like us) but not others - it feels like we are judged more harshly for some reason.
There has been so much angst and I question whether or not just have it all be "water under the bridge" and move on or not. My gut tells me "no" stand your ground for once and I am heading in that direction, just need some perspective. So thanks!
@Pennies - I agree, we just have to get them to speak to us.
I would refuse to be part of that soap opera - and that is what it is - an induced soap opera. Drama queens look for drama and when they can't find it - they make it.
Obviously that is the way they operate; if X has a conflict with Y, they indirectly let you know, then they "won't talk about it". So they are all tied up in their resentment and have no interest in communicating about the conflict and fixing things. The mom and other siblings either get involved and take on the fight with you OR they don't do anything. I would n't feel bad about the latter, they probably don't think there is anything wrong with acting that way!
My family acts in a similar way and it is just way too much drama; really dysfunctional. My sister decided I offended her and stopped talking to me. They are hurting themselves the most as they are obsessing about the wrong. Holding onto a grudge is exhausting and very toxic.
My sister has thawed a little but the drama is just tooo annoying. A pity but a waste of time.
Good luck with the situation.
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