My moral dilemma with mom. (siblings, present, senior, retirement)
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Sit down with mom and explain the realities to her. Give it time to sink in. But be firm - she moves toward you. The elderly almost always want to say in familiar surroundings but it's selfish when they can't do it without disrupting everyone's life and finances. Be gentle with mom but also be adamant that she is coming to you and not the other way around. Start exploring senior living arrangements in your area and start sending her info or have her come visit you to see them.
If it was only that easy. Again, she wants to move up here but cannot afford it nor can we afford to move into a bigger place. She got family all around this area & the sell of her house would not be enough to buy anything up this way it's too expensive here. She can't get a loan even with her credit to cover an more expensive house, she hasn't worked in 5 years. The bank won't loan her anything. As far as our careers go here they have been on hold this town doesn't have decent paying jobs & we have been thinking about moving because of that. I've seen how nursing homes can treat the people who live there my mom was a nurse for since she was about 17. Nursing homes/retirement homes cost money, money that she or us doesn't have. We've been trying to come up with something else but it doesn't seem to be happening. In all honesty I don't think she has 10 years left. Her mom died last year then soon after her sister died. I believe that she wants some closure between her & I before she goes. We would stay with her in her house it's big enough & still have some connections to get a job not paying that great but decent enough. I know what we would be giving up at the same time... it's my mom.
She's not at the point where she needs care 24/7 she is still able to get out & play in her garden,etc. We won't take that away from her. She want's to leave the house & land to us to be able to sell/rent, whatever. She doesn't want to live in a place like that, she loves her land & her house.
Since neither you or your spouse can give up your jobs or responsibilities locally..Then, why can't you work out a deal with your mom to have some sort of caregiver to be handy for her to rely on (Live-in or daily visits)?...Does she have a will and do you have Power of Attny to assist in some of her bill paying etc?? Because, in order to meet your mom's wishes to live in that home..She requires some rational decisions to be made to assist her...(I don't get the sense you don't want to help)..but it will help you maintain what she wants...Cancer..elderly ..frailty.. inability to do everything she was always able to do will wane...Look into legal venues to HELP her achieve that..Find out her wishes and get some sort of authority to achieve it for her..I wish you luck..It's not easy when one lives that far away and can't be there constantly like you would want!!
She's not at the point where she needs care 24/7 she is still able to get out & play in her garden,etc. We won't take that away from her. She want's to leave the house & land to us to be able to sell/rent, whatever. She doesn't want to live in a place like that, she loves her land & her house.
If she doesn't need care, why are you rushing the decision to move yourself? You don't want to take that away from her, which I understand, but you are giving up your standard of living for somebody who doesn't require you to do so, at least for now.
Asheville and the surrounding area has a lot of senior services and excellent health care, that's where my mother is.
I think you have some time to really think things through, don't make a hasty decision you may regret for a long time.
Can she or the three of you move to a more rural area where you currently live? Usually houses in the country are cheaper.
What about the three of you moving somewhere different altogether? You said your jobs aren't paying you well anyway. Texas has very low cost of living and a decent economy. Minnesota too. Lots of jobs there, low housing costs. Maybe look into some other states and see what you can find.
I understand what you mean. I dread this day with my parents. They live way out in the country, in a state we have no interest in living in. I am married with kids, who will be getting into school soon and my sister is a single waitress who can work anywhere with nothing tying her down, but I know she'll make a big stink about moving to care for one when the other passes and I hate the thought of either of them living all alone out there :/.
You should post on the Caregiving Forum. This is a very common discussion there, in fact I'd say the MOST common topic other than parents who never thought of needing care and are now being unreasonable, incompetent and/or just flat out broke.
For ONE THING you need to evaluate/discuss what type of CARE you're talking about.
There are MANY alternatives for example HOSPICE which does NOT mean what most people thinks it means any more. If she can get HOSPICE care she will get regular visits from a trained NURSE most likely an RN and other PROFESSIONALS who know what they're doing.
For example my client just went "into hospice" which only means she got APPROVED for it by her doctor....and all these months and years with dementia been FIGHTING taking her meds ONLY TO LEARN FROM THE HOSPICE NURSE that she could have had them in compounding cream you rub on her back. (she now has a slight swallowing problem, too)
It is NOT unusual that the grown children are not even CAPABLE of doing this "care" that they think they are going to do.
So post a thread on the Caregiver's Forum with more information and you'll get a lot of responses.
For one thing you are a renter. You're moving to a big house and property with no rent required on your part. A property you are going to inherit?
Maybe your wife is wise for realizing that. OTOH, is this your mother's only asset? Will she need her equity for caregiving and was that her DESIRE...to not die in a facility but at home? WHICH is not always POSSIBLE technically. You can't just "stay at home" cuz you WANT TO.
It is not feasible to stay HOME if you can't even walk to the bathroom or change YOURSELF IN BED. For example.
These decisions are multifaceted. With LOTS of different solutions or options. The first one the most challenging, requiring the PATIENT to agree to them LOL.
No one really wants to live where she does & the market there is terrible. Even if she got what she wanted for the house & land she's still couldn't buy anything here, the real estate here is insane. We did look into doing just that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by reed067 View Post
She's not at the point where she needs care 24/7 she is still able to get out & play in her garden,etc. We won't take that away from her. She want's to leave the house & land to us to be able to sell/rent, whatever. She doesn't want to live in a place like that, she loves her land & her house.
Quote:
Originally Posted by reed067
If it was only that easy. Again, she wants to move up here but cannot afford it nor can we afford to move into a bigger place. She got family all around this area & the sell of her house would not be enough to buy anything up this way it's too expensive here. She can't get a loan even with her credit to cover an more expensive house, she hasn't worked in 5 years. The bank won't loan her anything. As far as our careers go here they have been on hold this town doesn't have decent paying jobs & we have been thinking about moving because of that. I've seen how nursing homes can treat the people who live there my mom was a nurse for since she was about 17. Nursing homes/retirement homes cost money, money that she or us doesn't have. We've been trying to come up with something else but it doesn't seem to be happening. In all honesty I don't think she has 10 years left. Her mom died last year then soon after her sister died. I believe that she wants some closure between her & I before she goes. We would stay with her in her house it's big enough & still have some connections to get a job not paying that great but decent enough. I know what we would be giving up at the same time... it's my mom.
OK hold on.
If you're talking about TEN YEARS OUT, you're premature.
You are NOWHERE NEAR the stage of being ready to do what you're planning to do. UNLESS, like you say you're ready for a change. And living with her would provide you some financial relief and ability to build up some type of savings IF you can get jobs there.
WHY are you even entertaining the thought of "buying something" up by you. She is highly likely to need her ASSETS for her CARE. REAL care. (ETA I said that before you mentioned ten years!)
Do you know anything about UTIs, dehydration, dementia? Do you REALLY know her status? Playing in the garden is not a health status. What does her DOCTOR say? Lemme guess. She's the one giving you very little information.
CAN she do the "activities of daily living"? They are called ADLs and include:
Feeding
Toileting
Selecting proper attire
Grooming
Maintaining continence
Putting on clothes
Bathing
Walking and transferring
Your mother is going to need SKILLED CARE or at least hospice care and possibly in a "place like that" when her cancer goes to her brain. Perhaps right now she can get away with an in home caregiver like a Home Health Aid or CNA. It is a good idea to BUILD A RELATIONSHIP with an agency or individuals for when you NEED it.
Do you even realize that when that time comes, the LIKELIHOOD of her behaving like she has dementia/memory care issues is VERY VERY HIGH. That means setting fires in the house, getting stuck on the floor etc etc. So sometimes even the FAMILY cannot help at home. How are you going to get a person off the floor when they weight 3x as much as you? (for example). And even a woman at 150 lbs takes three people to lift up regularly. Unless you and your wife want permanent back damage.
Sometimes the medications they need for the brain, destroys their abilities to even WALK. So to keep the brain in balance and them not going crazy from anxiety or whatever....they end up in a wheel chair. We won't even go INTO having a STROKE.
Just because your mom was a nurse since age 17 is meaningless compared to the way things are done TODAY. And yes, strangers are not always a great alternative in "places like that" but oftentimes neither are family members. The dynamics can hide real CLINICAL issues.
Please post to the Caregiving forum. In fact there is a guy right now on there with a mom in the same situation out of state. There are also financial experiences you can learn from over there. I hesitate to say "advice" but yes, financial advise, too. And YES NOW IS THE TIME TO GET YOUR powers of attorney lined up. After reading the other posts, I can see your mom falls into the category of every other human being on the planet. It boils down to denial - everybody just hoping they'll die before they get sick or have a stroke or whatever. And it rarely happens that way.
Believe it or not, it is not PREMATURE to be researching a SKILLED CARE FACILITY for her either near you or near HER.
The financial things will be explained to you and eventually if she outlives her money she will go on Medicaid.
Every single administrator will tell you people ALWAYS wait too long and then are rushing around like crazy and getting whatever is "available" and making poor decisions when forced into the situation with an emergency or finally realizing what is needed or reaching a tipping point. It even happened with my own client who has plenty of resources and cash but even THAT was not enough to avoid a disaster when she was NOT receiving the care in the RIGHT TYPE of facility - she should have been seeing other doctors and been in Memory Care a long time ago but was not cooperative and the family just let her be that way until an EMERGENCY happened.
Last edited by runswithscissors; 04-23-2015 at 05:18 AM..
If you're talking about TEN YEARS OUT, you're premature.
You are NOWHERE NEAR the stage of being ready to do what you're planning to do. UNLESS, like you say you're ready for a change. And living with her would provide you some financial relief and ability to build up some type of savings IF you can get jobs there.
WHY are you even entertaining the thought of "buying something" up by you. She is highly likely to need her ASSETS for her CARE. REAL care. (ETA I said that before you mentioned ten years!)
Do you know anything about UTIs, dehydration, dementia? Do you REALLY know her status? Playing in the garden is not a health status. What does her DOCTOR say? Lemme guess. She's the one giving you very little information.
CAN she do the "activities of daily living"? They are called ADLs and include:
Feeding
Toileting
Selecting proper attire
Grooming
Maintaining continence
Putting on clothes
Bathing
Walking and transferring
Your mother is going to need SKILLED CARE or at least hospice care and possibly in a "place like that" when her cancer goes to her brain. Perhaps right now she can get away with an in home caregiver like a Home Health Aid or CNA. It is a good idea to BUILD A RELATIONSHIP with an agency or individuals for when you NEED it.
Do you even realize that when that time comes, the LIKELIHOOD of her behaving like she has dementia/memory care issues is VERY VERY HIGH. That means setting fires in the house, getting stuck on the floor etc etc. So sometimes even the FAMILY cannot help at home. How are you going to get a person off the floor when they weight 3x as much as you? (for example). And even a woman at 150 lbs takes three people to lift up regularly. Unless you and your wife want permanent back damage.
Sometimes the medications they need for the brain, destroys their abilities to even WALK. So to keep the brain in balance and them not going crazy from anxiety or whatever....they end up in a wheel chair. We won't even go INTO having a STROKE.
Just because your mom was a nurse since age 17 is meaningless compared to the way things are done TODAY. And yes, strangers are not always a great alternative in "places like that" but oftentimes neither are family members. The dynamics can hide real CLINICAL issues.
Please post to the Caregiving forum. In fact there is a guy right now on there with a mom in the same situation out of state. There are also financial experiences you can learn from over there. I hesitate to say "advice" but yes, financial advise, too. And YES NOW IS THE TIME TO GET YOUR powers of attorney lined up. After reading the other posts, I can see your mom falls into the category of every other human being on the planet. It boils down to denial - everybody just hoping they'll die before they get sick or have a stroke or whatever. And it rarely happens that way.
Believe it or not, it is not PREMATURE to be researching a SKILLED CARE FACILITY for her either near you or near HER.
The financial things will be explained to you and eventually if she outlives her money she will go on Medicaid.
Every single administrator will tell you people ALWAYS wait too long and then are rushing around like crazy and getting whatever is "available" and making poor decisions when forced into the situation with an emergency or finally realizing what is needed or reaching a tipping point. It even happened with my own client who has plenty of resources and cash but even THAT was not enough to avoid a disaster when she was NOT receiving the care in the RIGHT TYPE of facility - she should have been seeing other doctors and been in Memory Care a long time ago but was not cooperative and the family just let her be that way until an EMERGENCY happened.
Excellent points.
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(she now has a slight swallowing problem, too)
