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OP, I don't think you are so off base in trying to figure this out. It is a complex situation. I don't think we are ever morally obligated to choose any one particular path, but morally obligated to look at all the pros and cons of every option and choose the one that makes the most sense for those involved.
First, I do agree with the suggestion to find out about Hospice Care. If your Mom has stage 4 cancer, she likely qualifies for their excellent services. I'm not an expert, but to me, stage 4 does not mean your mom is going to live for 10 more years.
Your rent is low, but it doesn't sound like you have great employment. I've been unemployed and underemployed and IMHO no other lifestyle factor is important to consider if you don't live where you can work. If you are not working where you are, what is the harm in moving in with mom? Have you actually looked for work in her area? You might be surprised.
If you move out of your current home, you can view it as temporary. You don't have to make a permanent decision to live with mom for the rest of her life. Take it as it comes and make decisions on what is right in front of you, rather than a long term plan. If you only have 1 bedroom, you probably don't have a lot of stuff. You can move back to that area and pick up where you left off, right?
The following is a summary of the 5-year survival rates of different types of cancer in Stage IV based on research:
Cancer Type
5-Year Survival Rate (%)
Lung 50%
Colon 8%-15%
Liver Primary Tumor 30%
Secondary Tumor 0%
Brain less than 20%
Stomach 5%
Pancreatic 4%
Ovarian 17%
Prostate 33%
Breast 16%
Skin 15%-20%
My grandmother moved in with my mother when she became too old to care for herself. She had to move from Iowa, where she'd lived for 70+ years, down to TX.
I still remember how much she hated having to sell her house! And, probably the worse thing, getting rid of all the things she'd accumulated over her entire life time. My mother and her siblings threw away most of it (too bad this was long before the days of the Antiques Roadshow, might have had some good stuff!) and packed up a Uhaul and brought her to TX.
But, once she settled in with us in TX, she had a much more comfortable life. She could still garden in my parents backyard, they set up a small area for her. She didn't have to cook all the time, or go out to get her medications by herself, etc.
Basically, after 6 months she was fully settled in and was happy being around family, and didn't think too much about her old house.
I second the thoughts of most posters here... She needs to move to be near you. She doesn't have to sell her place, she could rent it possibly, but since you are the ones working, it doesn't make sense for you to uproot.
I still feel that most of you are missing the point of the post. Please read the OP again. Some of you have brought up some valid points that need to be addressed, & they will be next time the three of us talk.
The sale of her house will NOT buy anything up in this area we've been looking at that option for a while now. A retirement home cost MONEY we do not have. She won't rent the house either she doesn't want to pay a realtor to take care of it. She wants my wife & I to have the house so when the market turns around we can get a good price for that & the land. She's already forgetting things from time to time, then there are things she's sharp as a tack on. She got two steel rods in her back & one on her knee. She's took a couple of falls here of late that have slowed her down. While she loves to play in her garden there are things there is will try to move on her own. We also look at this as investment of sorts Know that the house is more or less or already, we can maintain it & help keep it up. Again she is tough & pride right now is an issue for her, her mom was stuck in a retirement home & left there & no one really went to see her very often. She doesn't want to live like that. Again ALL those things cost money which we do not have.
My own humble opinion is that the market in Florida is never really going to turn around. Florida has been overbuilt.
I see she wants to save the house to leave to you and your wife. Thing is, if the house is the only asset she has, she may have no choice but to sell it if and when she ever does need long-term care if she doesn't have long-term care insurance. You say she doesn't need care now, but the time will probably come.
Unless you or your wife are a nurse, trust me, there will come a time when you will not be able to care for your mom, especially if you both work. Cancer and its treatment are very intense. If she wants to stay in her home at that time, she will need the care of a visiting nurse.
In your shoes I would find out if there are any social workers in her area who specialize in elder care. They can point you to resources to help you and your mom plan for her future. I doubt she'd qualify for long-term care insurance because of the cancer, but the social worker can tell you what to expect as her treatment progresses, point you to an attorney who specializes in seniors and estate planning, and offer suggestions to you, etc., as well as counsel you on your present needs and feelings.
However, I would be very cautious about moving to an area of the country where jobs are hard to get. (That's another sign that Florida will not return to its prior glory. The rest of the country is chugging along, adding jobs, and well into its recovery.) This goes twice over for you because of your age. It is harder for people our age to find jobs even in the best of times because of age discrimination. Employers often don't want to pay the higher health premiums for us, nor do they want to pay us salaries worthy of our experience. So I don't know how wise it is to move to a part of the country where jobs are tough to come by in the first place. I know you love your mom and everything, but there is no sense in sacrificing your own future. She has already lived 70 years. Moving may make your next 30 very difficult if you end up drawing down your savings because you can't find a job when you get there.
I still feel that most of you are missing the point of the post. Please read the OP again. Some of you have brought up some valid points that need to be addressed, & they will be next time the three of us talk.
The sale of her house will NOT buy anything up in this area we've been looking at that option for a while now. A retirement home cost MONEY we do not have. She won't rent the house either she doesn't want to pay a realtor to take care of it. She wants my wife & I to have the house so when the market turns around we can get a good price for that & the land. She's already forgetting things from time to time, then there are things she's sharp as a tack on. She got two steel rods in her back & one on her knee. She's took a couple of falls here of late that have slowed her down. While she loves to play in her garden there are things there is will try to move on her own. We also look at this as investment of sorts Know that the house is more or less or already, we can maintain it & help keep it up. Again she is tough & pride right now is an issue for her, her mom was stuck in a retirement home & left there & no one really went to see her very often. She doesn't want to live like that. Again ALL those things cost money which we do not have.
I think you need stop focusing on what she wants to do and be realistic about what she HAS to do. She may WANT you to have that house and land, but it may not be realist or wise to hold onto it. We bought our first house before the market crash (in Arizona of all places) and as much as we wanted to keep it, it was a financial burden. We short sold it at half the purchase price. It sucked at the time, but looking back it was the best decision as it still would not be worth what we paid for it. You may not profit from the sell, but you won't be burdoned with this house and land you have to care for and pay taxes on. If she's insistent, a compromise might be to divide the land up. Sell the portion with the house and keep the 2 acres of land for later.
I think the most financially sound thing to do, would be for you and your spouse to move into a bigger place and for her to move in with y'all. She should have social security, savings or something to cover her monthly food and medical expenses right? You may need to get a second job or just really tighten your budget to make it work, but I think that is a more secure situation than uprooting and moving out of state.
I still feel that most of you are missing the point of the post. Please read the OP again. Some of you have brought up some valid points that need to be addressed, & they will be next time the three of us talk.
The sale of her house will NOT buy anything up in this area we've been looking at that option for a while now. A retirement home cost MONEY we do not have. She won't rent the house either she doesn't want to pay a realtor to take care of it. She wants my wife & I to have the house so when the market turns around we can get a good price for that & the land. She's already forgetting things from time to time, then there are things she's sharp as a tack on. She got two steel rods in her back & one on her knee. She's took a couple of falls here of late that have slowed her down. While she loves to play in her garden there are things there is will try to move on her own. We also look at this as investment of sorts Know that the house is more or less or already, we can maintain it & help keep it up. Again she is tough & pride right now is an issue for her, her mom was stuck in a retirement home & left there & no one really went to see her very often. She doesn't want to live like that. Again ALL those things cost money which we do not have.
This is what I would do:
-You and the wife search for better jobs in an area where you want to be (you did mention finding better jobs, I think)
-Mom sells her house for what she can get and TOGETHER you rent a home/apartment big enough to accommodate the three of you in your new area from what little she makes on the house and what you guys can afford. I'll be blunt - she's not going to be around much longer. Stage 4 cancer at the age of 70... She's not going to run through what she makes off that house probably.
But I will also say this - my grandmother (who also had Stage 4 cancer) moved in with my mother in what turned out to be her last days. She had my mom and my aunt around her all the time, and though she hadn't WANTED to make the move, she later pulled me aside and privately told me how happy she was and how wonderful it was to spend time with them. She eventually fell and broke her hip (unpreventable - she refused to ask for assistance getting up and my mother was out of the room), but even though she was very ill, those last few weeks before the fall she was very happy. I know sometimes it can be a very bad experience, but neither my grandmother or my mother regretted moving her in. (And frankly, I think it was a good thing that she fell and broke her hip and died from complications with that - I've seen a couple of Stage 4 cancer deaths, and this was a much more pleasant way to go.)
OP, if you are hoping to inherit the house, she may have to quit claim deed it to you NOW. Medicaid may have a look back window and the ability to claim that asset in return for her care.
JM2c
So my wife & I are going to go takecare of my mom in the fall she's will be 70 in June & has hadcancer for as long as I can remember. At the present she has stage 4cancer more or less at this point it's a matter of time before itgoes to her brain. She's a tough old bird. She lives in SouthGeorgia close to the Florida state line. We live in WNC & we loveit & do not wish to leave, yet we rent a one bedroom, one bathApt for much less then the rental value. She has a 3bd 2 bath houseon two acres & her mortgage is about $100.00 a month. So movingher up here would to be close is out of the question. This was mywife's idea she noticed that her health as gone down hill in the lastyear or so. There comes a point that we all have to take care of ourparents like they did us. I love my mom & we were never closewhen I was growing up. I am pushing 48 in December my wife will be 42in August.
This is where I feel I am have somewhat of a moral dilemma, we all want our parents to live long healthylives. As I said above we are moving to a town with jobs that arevery hard to come by & worse they don't pay very well. Again,please understand I LOVE my mom. Yet at the same time we have ourown lives & friends. I also promised her I would never put herin a nursing home I love her too much for that. While we don't mindtaking care of her ( here comes the part that makes me sound bad)
I don't want to be there for 20 years.With her health & the cancer I doubt of shes got 10 left in her.
I feel like crap for even thinking likethat. My friends tell me that it's natural & I am being hard onmyself.
Am I?
To the OP's original question, are you being hard on yourself? Probably. But I think most people with any moral standard would feel the same as you do. You clearly love your Mom, but you don't really want to up and move to take care of her because that is a major sacrifice for you and your wife. This makes you feel guilty for even thinking about what you have to sacrifice because this is your Mom you are talking about and you would do anything for her, right? But then again it may only be a few years because her health is in decline but no one wants to hope that happens fast just so they can return to their regular lives. More guilt.
I understand where you are coming from. I think that you sound like a kind and loving son who is challenged with how to care for an aging/ailing parent and you want to do the right thing for all involved. That may make you feel resentful at times and that is ok. It does not make you a bad person.....after all, you are not a martyr, you are human.
I hope that it all works out for you and that you get to spend some quality time with your mother while she is still here.
OP, if you are hoping to inherit the house, she may have to quit claim deed it to you NOW. Medicaid may have a look back window and the ability to claim that asset in return for her care.
JM2c
The house is in my name it fully becomes mine when she passes. I
I'm not seeing your moral dilemma OP. You seem ready to up and move to a floundering part of the country to assist you mother. I personally don't see it as a smart move, but I would applaud you on moral grounds. Your mother is fortunate that you are willing to risk your own future to make her last few years happy.
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Some of you have brought up some valid points that need to be addressed, & they will be next time the three of us talk.
She lives in SouthGeorgia close to the Florida state line. We live in WNC & we loveit & do not wish to leave, yet we rent a one bedroom, one bathApt for much less then the rental value. She has a 3bd 2 bath houseon two acres & her mortgage is about $100.00 a month. So movingher up here would to be close is out of the question. This was mywife's idea she noticed that her health as gone down hill in the lastyear or so. There comes a point that we all have to take care of ourparents like they did us. I love my mom & we were never closewhen I was growing up. I am pushing 48 in December my wife will be 42in August.
