Should I have forgiven my father? (member, bitterness, messages, aging)

[Frihed89]

To learn to forgive (or to be forgiven) and to learn to believe in the power of forgiveness benefits us far more than those we truly forgive.

[beera]

Originally Posted by stan4

If someone owns up to what they did, expresses remorse, and changes, that is when you forgive.

Sounds like he did.

Though he really still owes your mother an apology.

Did he really express remorse? Asking for forgiveness on your death bed seems like a last ditch effort to make sure you get into Heaven or something.

OP never said if his father said specifics either "forgive me for everything" is BS. But "son, forgive me for hurting you and your mother, for all the cheating I did, etc."

There's a lot of missing information here too, like does the OP have any sort of relationship with his dad? How often does he see him? etc. Or has he not seen him in years and he just want to the hospital?

OP, Just because you forgive him doesn't mean you need to have a relationship with him. Forgiveness is for yourself, and if you don't forgive him, that's okay too. If you need therapy to move past all this and realize that he's a narcissist who cares for no one but himself, then do so.

If you just said yes to be kind to a dying man, then you can let him know that too if you wish.

Personally, if I hadn't spoken to my father in years and I found out he was in the hospital, I wouldn't have gone. He'd already have been dead to me after how he treated my mother.

My dad cheated on my mom and abused her. After the divorce I didn't speak to him for five years. He came to me PERFECTLY healthy and apologized for everything and said he loved me even if I didn't want him in my life anymore.

We have a relationship now, but it's very superficial compared to the one I have with the rest of my family. He'll never get back in my life as much as he was before.

Take it as the broken plate analogy, when you break a plate and put it back together it'll never be quite the same again will it?

[AK-Cathy]

Yes I would have forgiven him too. I've forgiven much without being asked for forgiveness or the people in question even understanding that they had harmed me to be free of anger and remorse which consumes a person. You won't regret it even if he relapses into a jerk again. Your mom does sound like a gem.

[JrzDefector]

My father is a narcissist, and not a nice person overall. But he was a great dad. Unlike your father, he did not leave my raising to my mother, but was actively involved in my life from the time I was born. A very smart woman I know who married a man similar to him says part of that has to do with the fact that I was a daughter and not someone he would be in competition with.

He did not treat my mother well in the marriage or the divorce that came 25 years after their wedding. And he cheated on her with an awful woman, whom he wanted me to be friendly with. It turned my life upside down at a very crucial time (graduating college, dealing with the fatal illnesses of my best friend and her mother, seeing my dream career become an impossibility), and I think that's why I held off on forgiving him - especially since my mother saw me as her chief confidante, and I felt like I was bearing the burden of his actions.

I have stuck it in the past and have a great relationship with my dad now - to the point that I want him to spend his final years living with me. But only you can decide if you want to heal things with your dad. We have some differences: My father WAS and still is a very involved father who has always had my back. He has been my strongest and most unwavering supporter throughout my life. My mother just doesn't have the backbone to do that. I can talk with him about almost anything and know that he won't be judging me. He is often rigid, obnoxious, offensive, embarrassing and cold when it comes to other people. We've had some epic fights. But he is unrelentingly my father.

What I will say to you is this - your mother stayed with him. That was her choice, even though she saw early on what he was. I mean, honestly, I still wanna smack my mother for staying so long, just because my father did her a huge favor when he tanked the marriage. She is happier now than she ever was when I was a child, but she was too scared of change to take that step when I was a kid. But yeah, your mom could have left and probably done quite well in the divorce settlement. It takes two to make a dysfunctional marriage. I draw the line at physical or severe emotional abuse in terms of forgiveness, and my parents stopped short of that - they just were very unhappy.

If you do decide to let your father back in, just don't expect him to be "a dad" in any sort of idealized way. Don't let him bull**** you. And just accept his limitations as best you can.

[GiGi603]

Your Mother is an amazing woman.

[JWEvergreen]

I can't have sympathy for the man. When he married your mom, I assume they exchanged vows. He broke them. I don't care how many presents he can afford to give you. He hurt your mother deeply I'm sure. And relationships with other women are what tore your family apart. Money doesn't make that pain go away.

If my dad had done that to my mom, guess what... "see-ya, wouldn't want to be-ya".

I respect the one who keeps promises. I don't care if they were married in a church or a courthouse. There are some standard promises/vows.

I wouldn't wish him dead, but we'd never be "buds" again.

[Georgianbelle]

Forgiving him is the right thing, and your mother sounds like a selfless, loving person. You forgive someone for your health. It helps you to be able to live a stressfree life and to move on. Good luck.

[BeatAngMoh]

The Christian thing (and the right thing) to do is to forgive. You may not forget but its OK to forgive and try to move on.

[Marc Paolella]

Your father is a dishonorable creep. Sorry, just saying what you already know. I wouldn't forgive anything. He didn't give a damn about your family. Even worse, his actions were an attack on your family. You don't have to wish him dead, but you should not have a person like this in your life, except on the most superficial of levels.

Forgiving evil and destructive behavior is NOT a virtue, it is a vice. It will not save you from cancer or the common cold, and it is not the right thing to do. In fact, forgiving evil and turning the other cheek IS a form of cancer. In this case the popular advice is precisely wrong.

[PA Escapee]

Originally Posted by Lusitanio

.... I was wondering if I was weak for forgiving him .... that it just shows I have my heart in the right place and that as they say, holding on to grudges gives you cancer.

Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, to shed the heavy chains that bind us, & set ourselves Free. And sometimes, rather than being just a one time event, forgiveness is a developing process.

"Hand it over to God" is an old cliche, but if you can approach a long-standing situation like this one with the mindset, "God bought out all of your Bad Debt to me, in trade for my personal Freedom...& you no longer owe me on this one. But you do still owe Him...& He will hold you accountable. So in His hands, I leave you..." you can start to shake off those rusty old chains. And if you can do it, you will feel lighter, without feeling like you are selling yourself out, or your principles.

That said, forgiveness does not mean you are required to condone or accept more crummy behavior from your father in the future, or anyone else you forgive. If he gets well & goes back to being a deceiving philandering cad, just because you forgave him for his past, does not mean you have signed yourself up for more of the same in the future. Just because you forgave it doesn't mean you have to accept & allow more dysfunctional behavior back into your life.

Ultimately, forgiveness is not for him, but for you...it sets *you* Free.

And it does not mean you are now required by the other person to get on board with more of the same, & collude with history endlessly repeating itself.

I've wrestled with similar questions for decades, because my family taught me that forgiveness meant, "What you did is Ok now. You don't have to be held accountable anymore, & it's Ok for you to keep doing this in my life, because I forgave you." But it really doesn't. Forgiveness hands off someone else's bad debt owed to you, or to someone you love, to the only One who can really collect on it anyways...in trade for your own Freedom. Emotionally, physically, spiritually...the whole works.

And the truth is, God may have allowed your father to have that car accident in order to to bring him to bring him closer to Himself, & to a place spiritually where he gives up his ways & seeks his own forgiveness, while he is still alive & can make these choices, before he passes.

Best wishes to you & your father in the future...